A/N: bro i was like twelve when i wrote this i'm just reposting this here bc i'm learning how to post on
The day someone with the username 'Expertrees' got Instagram was also the day Jared almost spilled all the beans to that "stranger."
It's funny how when you meet someone you don't know, it automatically means that you can literally almost pour your heart and soul into talking with them. Yet, with someone you've known for years, you still have a little bubble separating you two.
Jared analyzed the situation. Maybe it was because by being familiar with the other person makes them harder to connect to. He was still going to see that person almost daily, so every single action that he does will be remembered. If Jared made one little mistake, it would be burned to their memory, so vivid. He just couldn't deal with that, so he choose to have a rougher personality, so that others will try to avoid him, and ones that he knew will get used to it. So that if he screws up, at least others won't view it as out of character. (That wasn't the only reason he came off as arrogant, though.)
Sometimes it got out of hand.
On the other hand, people that he barely knew, rarely talked to is a different story. There's a high possibility of them forgetting that Jared ever existed, after only talking to him once. If he just literally tells them his life story, then they'll forget about it in just days.
For example, if someone randomly commented on any social media, someone you've never met said something in the lines of, 'I'm insecure and I shadow that fact away by being a cocky dick. I'm also confused about having a crush on someone even thought they say love yourself before you love others, because I can never bring myself to love... well, me. I don't know these emotions, they're all too new. And toppled off with family problems has been a huge pain in the ass. Anyone have tips?' will you actually care? Sure, you can bring yourself to feel pity for the guy, but bringing yourself to be worried to the point that you're offering the person advice every three seconds? It seemed impossible in Jared's mind.
That's why Jared never liked the thought of venting or ranting, letting then know your thoughts. He only poured his heart and soul into paragraphs to people he actually was close acquaintances to, but not too close.
So that's what happened on Saturday. He was awoken with a loud notification on his phone.
Getting up groggily, he put his hand in his bedside table to feel his glasses. It wasn't that he couldn't see, his vision was so bad that anything small and a foot away looked like a blur. It didn't even look like anything at all. Okay, so maybe he couldn't see.
He finally felt the lenses, then lazily put them on. Blinking a few times to get adjusted to the environment, he grabbed his phone and checked the thing that woke him up in the first place.
Weird. It was a follow request on Instagram from someone who's username is 'Expertrees.' When he first received the request, he was sure that it was Evan. Who else would have this weird... tree fetish?
Additionally, the user put their name as 'Wood is Good.' What other tree nerd would put that abomination into words?! Evan. Even his icon was a tree. What is it with that kid, he likes trees too much.
Jared bets he masturbated to a curvy piece of driftwood once. Does the kid even do it? Evan seemed to innocent to actually do any of those things. If Jared suddenly yelled, "SUCK MY DICK, YOU LITTLE FUCK" to someone who deserved it, then Evan would always wince. Then again, he wasn't supportive of the idea of Jared cursing at random people.
Where was he again? Oh right, woke up, Expertrees, and...Evan's...dick? Where did that come from?
Jared half giggled, half snorted. Even though he hated the was he thought, such as his strange memories, his dirty mind was one thing that he used to cheer himself up. It had its ups and downs. Sex jokes were one of the things that kept him partially sane.
(But he was totally not thinking of Evan's dick. Because of course, that would be weird as fuck. And really gay.)
He glanced back at his phone to check his bio. Of course, it said something about fucking nature. Worded differently, of course, but Jared found it necessary to include at least one curse word for every hour he speaks. Definitely not in front of adults, kids, or babies, but to teens his age.
Jared's initial reaction was shocked. Evan getting any type of social media was not something he would do. Social was not a word to describe him.
Jared tapped on 'Evan's' profile to see his content. It turns out that tree boi was posting pictures of plants that happened to be the same one in their neighborhood park, and the ones Jared saw in his home. Yes, this was definitely Evan. No other person would like nature and trees and shit this much.
He pieced the information together and was 100% sure that the user was actually Evan. Reluctantly, he accepted the request and followed him.
In a literal ten second span when he hit accept, Evan somehow commented on his latest post saying, 'I am your long lost uncle.' (His latest post was his pug named Banjo. Beautiful chub boi.)
As if he needed one more clue to prove that it was him. Saying that he was his long lost uncle was an inside joke they've had since they were both 11. (Don't question it, it had just sprouted one day and they've been repeating it ever since.)
Jared wondered how Evan managed to find his account. Maybe putting his username as 'the._.insanely._.cool._' and his name with the pseudonym 'Dixie Normus' was a bit of a stretch. After all, Jared was known for is unbelievably dirty mind. (A/N: Me too). Now thinking about it, it wasn't much of a surprise that Evan managed to find it. And also because he referred to himself at the 'Insanely cool Jared Kleinman!'
He never knew why he did. In his opinion, cool or funny was a terrible word to describe him. Actually, no, it's a fact.
Offensive or fat loser seemed like a good idea to describe him.
Oh right, back to the Evan topic.
Not to mention that his bio said, 'what up, im jared, im 19 and ive never fucking learnt how to read.'
Normally they would have talked by text, but because Evan finally got an account, he decided to direct message him, saying the usual, "Whats up, tree fucker?" And also he may or may not have been overloading and spamming his notifications with curses and puns. Mostly puns. And memes.
What he hadn't expected was the response to been, 'What?! Why would you call me that?! Who is this.'
Well shit. Jared fucked up. He didn't want to use Evan's name to ask what happened because this might have been a different person. So Jared responded with, 'Tree boi ik that this is u. Stop playing tricks ans shit.' There was a pang of hope in Jared's chest that it was him. Jared knows Evan almost like he knows his own mind. Then again, even Jared doesn't know what he is thinking.
'Damn emotions,' he thought to himself. If this really wasn't Evan, then he's need a lot of explaining to do. Perhaps apologies. It wasn't every day when someone you've randomly followed called you a tree fucker.
Jared braced himself for the response. This was not going to be pleasant. He probably made the person spiral into panic. He was going to be responsible for that person.
Jared immediately began to type out an apology. 'Shit super sorry wrong person!' He felt bad, even by just texting that person, not being familiar with them.
Speech bubbles. Oh how he hated them, it gave a view of the inevitable. This conversation can turn out to be a mess, or Evan just being a little dick.
It felt like forever until Expertrees responded. Every breath Jared took seemed to last an eternity. He closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. When he opened them, a reply was typed out. 'Oh okay!'
Evan was snickering behind his hand. He never knew that Jared was this gullible. It took a lot of courage to finally do this, in such a short period of time. He just came up with this idea when Jared said, 'Whats up tree fucker?" Many thing that formed in Evan's mind turned out to be an automatic lie, what can be so bad about acting on it?
Alas, this was going to be fun, getting revenge on him for all the years he tormented him.
Okay, not exactly torment, more of teasing. Not to the point of Jared actually bullying him, more of a friendly way. He hoped. It was hard to decipher Jared's personality to see when he was serious or not.
That's one thing Evan hated about Jared. He didn't necessarily hate the other guy, but the feeling of not being able to interpret whether he's joking or not bothered Evan. One day, he's a jerk face but another day he's normal. What is going on Jared's mind?
That reminds him of when he was little. Evan had always wished that he could read minds. Not for unlocking their darkest secrets, but to understand what they feel. If he could read minds, then he would know if the other person wants him to stop saying sorry or what they thought about him.
The thought of portrayed in negative light was one of the most terrifying things that he could think of. If someone thought of Evan as too fidgety or anxious and didn't like it, then they basically must hate Evan. Those are the one of the many things you can use to describe him. Those shape up his personality.
Evan partially likes the way Jared is. He doesn't seem to give a crap if someone was talking bad about him, or at least he doesn't show any sign of weakness.
While him, a stuttering idiot is constantly pulling on the hem of his shirt, thinking of how bad his future is going to be. Worrying of how everyone thought about him.
He envied the way neurotypical individuals thought, the layout of their lives. He would give anything to have a typical life, mental illness free, a mom who was there because that's all she had to be, and a dad who was supportive of him.
Evan loved his mom and wouldn't trade the love and support for anyone, but still wished that she was there for him. Rare nights when she was there for dinner, but he knew not to get his hopes up at a young age. If he thought of anything positive, life would immediately jinx it and leave him with disappointment and anger.
Evan wondered how anyone would actually take time to care for him, and was thankful that his mom showed it.
But what if she was just putting on a mask and would leave him as soon as he turned 18 because Heidi would have a much better life without him?
'I'm such a burden. I'm keeping everyone from success. I'm useless.' He heaved.
Just another waste of oxygen.
Where did all these thoughts come from?! There was a million things going on in his head, and it just bloomed from trying to trick Jared.
Tricking Jared, ah, right.
He checked the time, surprised to find that fifteen minutes have passed. Geez, he was such a screw-up, if he showed his real identity then Jared would hate him more that he does. Shoot. He can't believe he's actually doing this.
'It's fine, kinda. Just pretend that it's like the time Jared convinced you to break in the school with him and superglue that lock. First you were a bit nervous but in the end it was fun, I guess. And you almost broke your arm because your hands were so sweaty any you slipped off the wall. Jared laughed. Maybe he doesn't care after all.'
Trying to shake himself out of his thoughts, Evan quickly typed, 'Oh okay!'
'Okay Evan. Focus in fooling Jared.'
Wait just a fucking moment. He checked and it turns out that the other person read it fifteen minutes ago. How come he left him hanging? He thought that the "eternity" was just his imagination.
He decided to dismiss that thought.
Jared's thumbs were too fast for his brain, and before he knew it, he angrily typed out, 'Why did yoh mebtion that thing abojt an uncle? Why does your account soundnlike something evan would sya? And why did you follow me if you didnt know me? Dude if this is really evan then fuck uou'
Reading the message he quicly typed out, Jared thought to himself 'Fuck I shouldn't have included the last part.'
There were the three dots of the future again. Jared cringed at his wording.
'Whoops wrong page.'
Jared blinked. 'Well what about that uncle inside joke?' He was starting to get suspicious. There's no way that someone could remake another inside joke like that.
'That was my mistake. It was a typo. I meant to say Long list of uncles, a reference to a game I like. The picture of the dog looked exactly like the one in the game.' Seems sketchy, but Jared did not question it. Maybe later.
'Who are you then?'
'I'm Maya from Tennessee. Who are you.'
'I'm Jared, I'm ninteen and I never fucking learnt how to read.'
They talked for a few minutes, some apologizing and stating their interests and favorite things.
'Favorite meme? Mine is lov the cronch' Jared typed.
'Do you like everything with your name on it? Just kidding. Um I don't really like memes or really know what it is.'
This girl doesn't know what a meme is? Jesus fucking Christ. She a a lot to learn.
All was good until they stumbled upon the topic of romantic interests.
'Who's your crush? It's fine you don't need to say their name. Mine is this girl who likes jazz.'
Evan totally forgot that he was impersonating someone else. Darn, he should have just said a dude. Jared might get mad and the plan will backfire. A wave of guilt almost made him fall of the bed. This was a terrible idea!
At least if Jared ever found out that Evan was Expertrees, he already knew that Zoe was his crush.
He made a mental note: Next time he pretends to be a fictional character, make it a girl who is in love with a dude named Percy who likes the ocean.
Evan hoped that Jared wouldn't react negatively. After all, he was questioning on being bi.
Pushing that aside, Evan wondered if Jared even had a crush.
It would be interesting to find out. Jared did tend to overshare his secrets on the internet.
What would Evan do with that information? Keep it a secret or tease Jared about it like he does with Zoe? Nah, seems a bit too harsh for him. It would be an out of character decision, for his taste.
Evan checked for the response.
'Yee, this one dude. But the thing is he kinda thinks I hate him, soooo yeah, that sucks.'
What? Did Evan read that correctly? He read that over and over, almost 50 times, but his vision didn't seem to change. It still said dude, he, and him.
Evan decided not to press for information.
He felt bad, this was only supposed to be a joke. He didn't think that Jared actually liked anyone. His manipulative side got the better of him. At least he wasn't a homophobe.
But maybe he came up with a random response to answer the question quickly? So many possibilities.
Or what if he's just attracted to guys and there is no hidden meaning?
'Cool.' His fingers shook as he typed.
He decided to change the subject.
'So this dude Evan, how is he? Are you friends with him?' Evan wondered how Jared thought of him when he wasn't talking directly to him.
'He's super noice, kinda weird but I like it. I guess he's my friend. He's also really smart. I wanna talk to him but seems like we're a million worlds apart.'
Evan felt his cheeks warm. Eh, Jared actually thought of as smart and noice (what a high title). And as a friend other than a family friend? He wondered about Jared's intentions.
But he wouldn't say smart. Evan thought he was actually pretty dumb, a stuttering mess.
'Nah he doesn't seem that smart.'
Jared felt his blood boil. No one calls Evan stupid except him. 'He isn't stupid, jackass.' The boy retorted.
'Sorry.' was all that was said.
'Sorry too. I just get kinda mad when people refer to others as dumb or stupid for one little thing' Jared explained.
Before he saw the response of tree girl, he wrote down, 'Wow you even sound like Evan, he says sorry a lot.'
He clicked out of the keyboard. He didn't expect to see a 'Wow I didn't know that Jared Kleinman is actually capable of saying sorry.'
That took him a lot of guts to write, but he wanted to come clean.
Those 13 words surprisingly took an excruciating amount of effort to type. It will be painful to look at the response.
It hit him like a flash.
'DUUUUDE FUCK YOU RUN INTO A BRICK WALL' 'GO FUCK A TREE' 'HOLY SHITU DUDE WHAT THE FUCK'
Jared seemed angry, but in reality he was laughing his fucking ass off. He never knew that Evan could actually be manipulating!
He made sure to add a 'BAHAHHAHAA DUDE THATS FUCKIN PRICELESS' to make up for those half assed responses.
Jared stopped his giggling when his mom did her infamous shush, then he wisely chose to shut up.
He just stood there with a big smile on his face. So Evan finally decided to try and trick him.
Suddenly his smile was wiped off from his face. Wait. Shit. He just realized that he told Evan that he was smart, nice, and weird and indirectly told him that he had a crush on him. Or at least someone. Son of a-
'WTF WAIT WHY DID YOU ASK THOSE WUESTIONS' Jared demanded.
'SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU DIDNT HAVE A CRUSH AND THAT I WAS ANNOYING!' Evan confessed.
Jared buried his hands into his burning face. He wanted to sink in a hole in the ground and never come back. He wondered how long it would take for him to recover from this.
'Okay just pretended that didn't happen. But you're a dick!'
'Ok sorry sryy sorry Jared sorry.'
The apologies were hurled at him like a cannonball. Each one weighed him down and hurt exactly like one. At least he knew the manipulative part of Evan. He's just have to prepare himself for the next time it happens, so he wouldn't overreact to extra emotions. Hopefully it won't be like this, and it won't be worse.
'Bye. Fuck you Evan, asshole. Suck a dick. (Middle finger emoji) O :'
A/N: this is so ass but i'm not sorry