26th August 2020

So, Peter has found himself a new project. He says that Abi needs support right now, that he can 't just turn his back on her, that he wants to help her. Her chosen poison is different to his of course. But he says that drug and alcohol addiction share the same basic impulse, that her desire to self-destruct is something he can understand like few others ever will. I know deep down he is right. So why is this tearing me apart?

Maybe because it's her. Abi. His ex. I don't dislike her, not really. In fact in many ways I admire her. After all, I know what it's like to want to forget your past, to be ashamed of your roots and work hard to not let them define you. I agree with him that she deserves help and not judgement when she's struggling so much. Besides, I really have no reason to worry, she seems happy with Kevin, at least she did before this, and her and Peter's brief time together is a distant memory now. And I trust Peter, of course I do. Don't I?

But this all just feels too familiar. A damsel in distress, Peter stepping in to save the day. Let's face it, that's how we got together in the first place; he saved me from myself, from alcohol, from Frank, and I loved him for it. The connection that we shared back then, that we still do, it's something I've never had with anyone else, and don't think I ever could. But what if that's not true for him?

I know they fancied each other once. So it's not that much of a stretch to think that she'll become reliant on him just as I did, and those feelings will resurface, that she'll think his support is something more, just like us all those years ago. He had Leanne back then, and what appeared to the outside world as a perfect family life with her and Simon, but that didn't stop me tempting him away did it? What if she can do the same?

Maybe that's what Peter craves almost as much as the booze, a person to fix. He won't admit it of course, but looking back at our relationship the times he has been most committed is when I've been at my lowest and he has swooped in and saved the day. Last year he didn't want to get back together with me until he heard about the factory roof collapse and guessed that I wouldn't be able to handle the fall out alone, although not even he could have predicted just how bad it would get for me. And I couldn't have asked for more from him in my darkest times, he is my hero and I will never forget what he has done for me. But I'm better now, I don't need him like I did even a few months ago, and I think part of me is terrified that he's now found somebody that does.

That makes me a bitch doesn't it? Blaming her for drawing his attention away when she is struggling so much and deserves my sympathy. I know better than most what addiction is like. OK, so I may not be a full-on alcoholic, but I haven't exactly had a healthy relationship with booze have I? And my past gambling habit only proves that impulse control isn't really my strong point. Perhaps I should try to step in, be a friend to her instead of standing by and letting my imagination run riot. But what if I don't want to? Maybe I can't be the bigger person here, not when she threatens what me and Peter have, whether he admits to it or not. And let's not forget it wouldn't be the first time he'd cheated on me. Maybe leopards really can't change their spots.

I hadn't thought about Tina for a long time before today. Like so many of my more painful memories I'd managed to push her to the back of my mind. She was just a stupid girl, and Peter, well he should have known better. I know he would never have picked her over me, but that doesn't alter the fact that he led her on and cheated on me, destroying all of our lives in the process. I do believe him when he says that he loves me above anyone else, and always has, despite what he did. But I'm not sure if that makes it even harder, the knowledge that he was unable to resist temptation, in spite of what he was putting at risk. Would he do it again? He has spent so long atoning for his past and I desperately want to believe him. If you'd asked me a few short weeks ago I wouldn't have dreamed of doubting him, I feel awful that I do now, but turning these thoughts off is easier said than done.

I know telling Peter to stay away will upset him, and likely just push him even closer to her; and who am I to dictate who he can and can't see? If the situation was reversed I'm sure I wouldn't take such an order from him. I could try and warn her off I guess, but then won't that just confirm to those who already doubt me that I am paranoid and crazy? Maybe they'd be right, I have got form with creating things in my mind, haven't I? But this feels different, and I am certain it is not completely in my head; I can't just stand back and watch everything we have built be destroyed yet again. I suppose the real question is, what on earth can I do to stop it?