Chapter 1: Knocking the Spoiled Princess off her Soapbox

A/N: I do not own Fairy Tail, thankfully neither does Desna. Thank god for that. Nor do I own her crappy story, this is just a critque of it that will hopefully bring some self awareness to the Lucy Fandumb (doubt it).

Natsu had been fine with Lucy no longer being a member of Fairy Tail, she was a grown women and could make her own decisions, he was fine if heartbroken with finding out the guild had broken up. It had made him a little angry that nobody had fought against the Old Man's decision to end the guild but instead of sitting around mopping he had set about tracking down the various guild members to try and get the band back together. That had led him on this long quest to Bosco where he now stood in the manor of the Pradesh family.

It looked kind of tacky and reeked of insecurity that was usually apparent in how flashy rich people's homes were but Natsu couldn't really care less, as Igneel told him it doesn't matter how much gold you've got in your hoard, we all die and leave it behind in the end. What matters is how you live your life.

So Natsu had reseolved to live a life worthy of praise from his Father, he would always defend the innocent, and try to help the helpless, and stand by his family wherever and whenever needed. Though he could be a bit billigerent and hard-headed as one is when half your life was spent raised in a literal cave there were very few who would refute that he was one of the kindest souls in Fiore if not all of Earthland.

But even a kind soul has his limits, and the blonde brat infront of them had thrououghly trampled on them with her self important little spiel.

When he first saw his blonde haired friend as well as his teammates Gray and Erza he was overjoyed, the whole crew was back together! Hell there was the Thunder Tribe and Cana too! If he could convince them to come back then it would be much easier to find the rest of the guilld.

Then the Slap had happened.

Natsu saw it coming and decided to allow it, hoping it would let Lucy burn off some of her anger at him leaving. He half expected it as he felt guilty about leaving all of a sudden without telling anyone as he had expressed to Gildarts when they met on his journey. But he didn't regret the decision, it was necessary.

Zeref had found him during the Tartaros incident and had told him that he had some sort of interest in the Dragon Slayer. He wasn't sure what it was but he knew one thing if it concerned the Black Wizard it couldn't be anything good, and if he was targeting Natsu he would be targeting the people around him as well.

So Natsu had left. He left his family and friends, his home, and everything he had ever known behind save for Happy as Natsu was his 'father' and couldn't just leave his 'son' behind. He did it all for the sake of the people he loved to get stronger, and also because he NEEDED to get away for a bit.

Being away in the wilderness and pushing himself to the limits everyday had been a good distraction from The Pain, but that's all it was, a distraction. When he went to bed at night, and woke in the morning it was the last and first thing he saw.

Red and Black wings fluttering in the sky, crashes of magic that felt like thunder as the earth was scorched and charred, a pained roar and a giant body falling to the ground missing an arm.

A mighty crash that shook the earth.

Silence, Heartache, Tears.




He had done his best to swallow The Pain, he would come back stronger protect his family and Destroy the one who took his father away and anyone else who threatened them.

So yes, when he saw Lucy cock back her hand he could have dodged or stopped it, as although it was apparent that she had trained hard in the past year, fact of the matter was Natsu had 6 years of combat experience over her, and as anyone who whose ever been in a real fight will tell you: Experience trumps everything (1). Plus it was not as if he had been idle in his pursuit of strength in the past year. He had fought monsters the size of buildings and rogue dark mages pushing himself physically to his limits until he found a breakthrough, a hidden well of power within himself that Igneel had left behind.

He had never intended to leave permanently, as he told Lucy in his letter. Just until he was sure he was strong enough. Yes, it had been kind of a heel move to leave only a letter. But if told Lucy face to face she might have tried to persuade him not to go or worse have tried to follow after him, he couldn't allow that.

She would be in danger not just from Zeref but from the other threats he might encounter in his time away from home. He had brought Happy because he was responsible for him being his pseudo-parent and when it came down to it, Happy knew how to keep out of trouble. If he had a Jewel for every time Lucy got kidnapped he could probably pay off the rest of Fairy Tail's debt by himself. She was basically a living embodiment of the Damsel in Distress.

Not to mention that ultimately when it came down to it, Lucy wasn't really a ruffin' it kind of gal. She complained alot on missions that required them to go into more hostile enviorments, didn't really know how to live off the land and would probably spend alot of the time complaining since they weren't staying in the fancy motels they would frequent when the Team went on missions together, at her behest. Not to mention there would be nothing for her to do as he would be training all day and night and Lucy wasn't the type to really train that much, her magic basically resulted in her relying solely on her spirits abilities(2).

It was a weakness he had noticed but never brought up as he didn't want to hurt the blonde's feelings and felt that if she wanted to improve she would make the decision on her own. He would never try to impose his will on her as that had been exactly why she had run away from her Father all those years ago. As if Lucy would even allow him to in the first place.

He remembered a few months (well technically years because of the Tenrou dibacle, another thing to pay Acnologia back for) when a few of the newer guildmates started spreading a rumor that he had kicked Lucy off Team Natsu to make room for Lisanna, as if he would ever do that to her or any of his friends. What kind of moron would believe that?

When she had heard the rumor she had laughed it off as no big deal as Lucy wasn't so wishy washy as to lose faith in her friends over something so petty.

He knew that she would be different when he next met her, but not like this

He hadn't expected was the vile insult spewing beast she had become in the past year though. He remembered Lucy as a kind, empathetic, compassionate girl who always tried to look for the best in even the worse people. It was part of the reason he cared so much for her. But this Creature seem cruel, vengeful, not to mention self-obsessed with her little speech about how Fairy Tail had "abandoned" her not to mention she seemed pretty ignorant of her own faults in correlation to his own and start throwing nonsensical accusations at him.

He had endured it because he was shocked out how disgusting Lucy's behavior had been, but she was done ranting and he was done listening to this blonde bimbo try and turn him into her little emotional punching bag.

Natsu was never the type to simply back down from a fight and this was no different.

"I'm Lucy Pradesh of White Sea now, Lucy Heartfilia is dead!"

"Enough." he said while he he raised the magic pressure of his magical container so quickly she forgot to breathe. The people in the room instantly started to sweat from the heat that poured off the Annoyed dragon-slayer.

"I've had enough of your bullshit" said Natsu as he fixed his former blonde partner with the steely gaze of a Fire Dragon, that made her stop in her tracks as though petrified.
She understood now why Natsu was one of the most infamous mages in the magical world, for his look was the same kind he would give his enemies when he faced them in combat. Anger and determination and confidence reflected in twin pools of glowing jade.

It made her feel small.

"Let's address the horseshit that just spewed out of your face hole just now." said the Salamander. "First of all, nobody abandoned you. We ALL of us needed time away from the guild after what happened with Tartarus we were ALL hurt by what happened. "Erza was stripped naked and tortured, Gray watched his father die AGAIN, Elfman was forced to almost destroy the guild because of that she-witch demon using Lisanna against him, Wendy and and Gajeel lost their parents and I...I saw Igneel get ripped apart in front of me."

There it was again, that nigling feeling, the flash of red and black, the feeling of hollowness as if all that was good had vanished in the world. But no, not now. He pushed it down and The Pain subsided for the time being.

It knew it's place.

"WE ALL lost our home that day, and if you're gonna say we abandoned you then you abandoned us too! You didn't even ATTEMPT to keep the guild together and none of us KNEW about what happened to Aquarius, and even if we did. It's not our job to babysit you when you're upset! If you reach out to us we'll be there for you but if you shut us out don't come crying about it. If I had known that Old Man Makarov lost his mind and disbanded the guild or that you sacrificed Aquarius key I wouldn't have left but I didn't get over it. Your "pain" is not special and you are not the center of everyone's world. We've all sacrificed ourselves and put our lives at risk enough for you that we deserve better then that!"

Sure he was making light of her "Sacrifice" of breaking Aqaurius key. But she didn't seem to care that he lost his father that day so why should he pull his own verbal punches?

"Secondly," said Natsu raising his hand with his ring finger sticking out. "Do you see a ring on this finger? Were we going out? No, because i'm not your boyfriend and i'm sure as hell not your fucking husband! I don't owe you anything. Was it shitty to leave with only a note? Yeah, but i'm not obligated to do anything else do you think I make all of my friends come to my house and get my blessing before they decide to go out of town on a request or on vacation? No I don't. Because they're just my friend and I had my reasons for leaving."

Natsu took a breath to compose himself as he saw that the increase of magical pressure that he had been exuding was taking it's toll on Lucy as well as the bystanders, that long-haired scrub pretty boy Kalzone or whatever his name was looked like he was going to fall over in a few minutes and he didn't want to harm any of the idiots around him. Just put them in their place.

He was nowhere close to being done.

"I didn't bring you with me because I needed to grieve for Igneel just like I left you alone when you were grieving your own fathers death! I didn't demand you put aside your pain and focus on me, I don't take my garbage out on other people!" he yelled at the blonde as she took several steps back, intimidated by the rage in the pink-haired mans voice.

"Not to mention I needed to train, I wasn't on some fucking vacation I was pushing myself to my limits so I could get strong enough to protect you and the guild from Acnologia but also from Zeref who threatened me and by extension you when I ran across him in Tartaros. I didn't have time to babysit you and listen to you bitch and moan, about your feet hurting, or you couldn't find any food to eat or that we were sleeping outside".

"Y-yeah well, you still brought Happy with you didn't you!?" said the stellar mage managing to regain her wits.

"HAPPY DOESN'T GET KIDNAPPED EVERY FIVE SECONDS!" shouted the Salamander making the blonde girl lose any confidence she previously had.

Lucy's fuckboi had apparently gotten ahold of himself and walked up to Natsu from behind while putting his hand on Natsu's should aggressively.

"Silence" he said as Natsu tilted his head to consider him for a minute. "You will turn around, you will walk out of this house, and you will never return to Bosco!"

Natsu looked at him for another second before shrugging off his hand, shocking several people in the room including Kaleb.

"I'm not done." he said with finality.

"Back to your other shitty points in your little "why you suck" speech. I'm destructive? Yeah I punch people with explosions, sorry to tell you this but there's no way to use my magic without that happening, you can't control fire you can only direct it. The only option would be to not use my magic at all and sorry to break this to you but i'm not gonna hold back and risk my life and my teamates lives just so you can get a couple extra bucks. I see a threat I take it out that's how combat works, if I hold back or hesitate i'm a weak link in the team which puts us all at risk and I refuse to gamble with anyone's lives."

"Also newsflash blondie, your spirits cause just as much destruction as the rest of us. How many times have Virgo dug giant holes in the middle of buildings, or have Loke and Taurus blasted holes in walls when fighting bad guys. Hell our very first meeting Aquarius wrecked an entire peer which caused the army to chase us, because she attacked you because you "interrupted her date", yeah what a great 'friend' she was."

"You choose to come on missions with us despite knows how destructive we are, so don't expect me to feel sorry for you if you continue to do so. It doesn't cost that much to pay your rent, only 70,000 we made 50,000 jewels with Asuka just doing lame community service jobs for 1 day. If you were upset at the jobs you should have left the team but don't ask us to hold back and risk our lives and others especially when you're just as much apart of the problem! Not to mention that we still made plenty of money on the missions we went on, you had enough jewels to buy yourself new clothes everyday so I doubt you didn't have enough to pay the rent!"

Lucy was shocked at how perceptive Natsu was being, she had always assumed he was dumb as rocks. Conviently forgetting that he was the one to deduce that the former chairman was working with Tartarus after finding out only a few councilors knew about Face. Or how he saw through Sting and Rogue's attack patterns by allowing them to beat on him for a bit during the grand magic games.

Natsu Dragneel was far from the idiot she made him out to be on a daily basis.

"Also don't give this BS about me and Happy "eating all your food" that never happened. If you wanna get mad at something then don't fucking lie about it. You're mad that we called you fat? It's called teasing you drama queen! Friends do it all the time. If i'm a shitty person because we teased you then you're just as shitty from the amount of times you called me an idiot and BEAT ME UP for doing something you don't like. Not to mention we only every teased you about it twice, grow some thicker skin."

"We broke into your house? So did you plenty of times incase you forgot!"

Lucy's eyes widened as she remembered the the Fairy Training Camp were she told her friends about her sneaking into Natsu and Happy's homes.

"Yeah didn't think I knew about that did you, you fucking hypocrite? And unlike you I didn't plan to get rid of all your personal property and replace it with my own! I came to hang out with you because I know you had a lonely childhood, not raid your home and throw out your crap!"

"So as far as i'm concerned you can take your self-righteous, self-pitying, holier-then-though attitude and choke on it!" said Natsu finally finishing his epic rant.

"I said that's ENOUGH!" said Kaleb grabbing Natsu by his coat. "You WILL walk out of this home. You WILL leave Bosco, and you will never return here again!"

Natsu behind him square in Kaleb's eyes, he smelt...strange. Like he didn't have a sent at all like he was there but wasn't.

He then proceeded to back-hand the pretty boy sending him spiraling back several feet and landing on his ass. Didn't even need his magic for that one.

"Kaleb!" screamed Lucy as she went after her fuckboy.

"As for you guys!" said Natsu turning to his traitorous turncoat 'friends'. "Don't think I didn't notice how you were mean mugging me during the 'princess' little rant."

"You four!" he pointed at the Thunder Legion. "Turned Lucy to stone (Evergreen), tried to kill her (Bixslow), made her friends hurt each other (Freed), and then threatened to blow up an entire town full of innocent civilians because this dipshit (Laxus) was mad Gramps wouldn't make him guild master because he was a giant prick who couldn't get off his own nuts! As far as i'm concerned none of you EVER has the moral high ground!"

The Thunder Legions were shocked as they had somehow forgotten about their past transgressions, not to mention that Natsu was the one adovcating to keep Laxus in the guild despite all he did.

"I saved you from your psychotic ex-boyfriend!" Natsu said as he pointed to Erza. "And you from killing yourself to stop Delioria when you were going through your little emo phase when we came across Lyon on Demon Island!" now turning his ire to Gray.

"Finally you getting pissy with me about leaving is HIL-ARI-OUS considering you straight up abandoned Lucy on tenrou when we were being invaded by a fucking dark guild who wanted to kill us." it was Cana's turn to feel the dragon's heated gaze.

None of the three had any real response to the slayer as they knew he was write. Natsu had done alot for them and Cana had actually abandoned Lucy on Tenrou Island during the S-class promotion exam. So instead they looked down ashamed that they had thrown a friend they had grown up with under the bus to assuage Lucy.

"I didn't expect you to take my side. But I didn't expect you all to turn on me either! Whatever beef between me and Lucy is just that, between me and Lucy! So as far as i'm concerned i'm washing my hands of you lot and that one!" pointing to Lucy who was still trying to wake Kaleb up from Natsu's lovetap.

What a light-weight.

"You're all dead to me." he said simply shocking the people in the room even the Predash's who knew Natsu's reputation in how much he valued his friendships.

"Now i've got more important things to do then sit around here, wet nursing you whiners. I have a guild to get back together, a Dragon of the Apocalypse to slay, and an immortal Black Wizard to dethrone...somehow. So yeah, see you around never." he said flippantly before turning around and marching towards the door.

As he passed by the blonde stellar mage he took out a trinket from inside his coat. It was a large golden key attached to a string, and proceeded to dump it on the infront of her.

"Happy fucking birthday by the way, asshole. he said without turning to look at it.

Lucy picked up the key and saw a little latch at the top of it, before opening it and seeing what was inside. It was a custom made locket, with a picture of Team Natsu posing together inside of it. On the latch read a little inscription.

"It's always more fun when we're together."

Tears welled in her eyes and her lower lip trembled at the magnitude of what she had done. While yes she did have grounds to be upset with Natsu she didn't have the grounds to be such a bitch to him, disregard his own suffering and turn his friends against him. She had destroyed a beautiful friendship with the man who brought her to the guild that was her dream to begin with. Who was always there to comfort he or give her space, who uprooted a tree to make her happy, who changed destiny to protect her future.

Who had left everything he loved behind to protect her and gotten her a birthday present, showing that even when they weren't together he was thinking of her.

Even worse was she realized what a hypocrite she had been. But it was too late now.

The only sound that echoed across the chamber were Lucy's sobs as she held the locket close to her chest forgetting her husband who laid beside her.

"Oh by the way dumbass." said Natsu peeking his head back into the room shocking everyone a for what seemed like the 100th time that day. "If you really gave such a shit your bitchy mermaid spirit who never did anything but attack and insult you, why didn't you go to the spirit world and check up on her? Why didn't you have one of your spirits,
one of whom is dating her give her a message from you? Didn't think of that did ya?"

Lucy's jaw dropped at her own stupidity.

"Yeah I thought not, later." said Natsu now finally leaving the tacky mansion.

Kaleb continued to lay on the floor, knocked out cold. _

A/N: Yeah it always annoys me that Lucys annoying fans let her have these onesided rants that only ever consider things from her perspective when Natsu left so I decided to bang this out in an hour to make the argument a little less one-sided.

As always read and review, or don't I could care less since I already know what I write is good.

Also Desna since I know you're reading this to ego surf just so you know this story is a parody and therefore subject to Fair Use. I know you like to police your stories comments section to delete constructive critsicm-I mean "toxic" comments because you're too precious about your little fanfiction universe but...yeah I don't care. I'm bulletproof in posting this. Though I imagine your little fan niche will send lots of flames to me but unlike you I support free speech and don't block people who don't kiss my ass all the time. Granted none of them have the testicular fortitude to PM me they'll just leave a review talking shit and desperately hope I don't notice because they're scared of the boogeyman of that you guys have made me out to be.

To those pu-ssyfarts I say this: keep it coming make that review count go up as much as you like and i'll be over here ignoring you to death.

So yeah, i'll see you guys later as I intend this to be a multi-parter and once again:

Thank God for Me.