The Bug on the Windscreen
"You know, if we had turned left back there by the cows we could have…" Owen's voice petered out as a large bug slammed into the windscreen making him look up from the Tablet he was messing around with to get their GPS working. Ianto swore softly while employing the window washer and wipers with open malice. Owen turned to look behind them like it might somehow be seen careening along the road in freefall. Or bouncing or whatever.
They drove for a while in companionable silence apart from Owen's tapping on the tablet then Owen started to snigger, something that annoyed Ianto as per usual so he looked over and said softly "just say it for Godsake."
"OK …so have you heard the joke about the dildo?" Owen asked jigging in the seat and Ianto closed his eyed for a moment... only a moment… he was driving ya know.
"No Owen. I have not heard the joke about the dildo" Ianto sighed, wondering how the hell that had made the little beast think about a dildo in the first place.
"So …a family are driving along the motorway on a lovely afternoon. Home from church or some shit" Owen said, his hands flapping around as Ianto tried not to close his eyes for a second Hail Mary. He nodded like he was somewhat enthused. Best get this over with.
"Right. So, little Jimmy is in the back seat and…"
"Why is the child always called Jimmy?" Ianto asked suddenly cutting Owen off, "Always Jimmy."
"OK" Owen said slowly trying not to face palm, "Let's say…. Little Jack."
"Can we have a little Jack?"
"Well… I don't know mate. This is all a bit sudden and we've not really even been on a date so … anyway. Back to the joke. Right. So … like I said. Driving along on the motorway and in front of them is a truck loaded with stuff for the dump. Like… someone's house cleaned out or something yeah? So … driving along… and the truck hits a bump, the load shifts and a dildo flies off the back to splat on the windscreen of the family car behind it" Owen smacked his hands together and then roared with mirth. Ianto blinked as he wondered if that was the joke. You can't really tell with this nutta.
After a few more sniggers and chuckles, Owen continued "So … the mummy didn't want to damage her delicate little boy's morals so she said quickly 'Wow Daddy. That was a big nasty bug' and she hoped that would slide. The father made a noise of agreement, still gripping the wheel with horror at what he had seen."
Owen stopped for some more sniggering as Ianto gripped the steering in much the same fashion as the father must have when trying not to throttle the little boy.
"So…" Owen hiccupped "so … she thought that had worked until a little voice from the back seat says …says….says 'wow. I don't know how that bug can even fly with a dick that big!"
Now Owen couldn't talk, gasping for air as he slapped at himself with glee.
Ianto sighed softly as he said "Yes. Dicks can be hard to ignore."
Owen decided this was gonna be a good retrieval after all.