A Shitty Day
Ianto exited the bathroom area with the plunger still in his gloved hand, the look of doom almost cloying in the Hub… as much as the smell of lingering sewerage. Owen had tried to look innocent but everyone knew (including Owen) that he had been the one to blame with the Kirlim he had biopsied with the wrong grating open in the autopsy bay, letting it all spill into the main line instead of the special containment tanks designed to keep things like that hidden for eternity.
Sort of like the vault in Ghostbusters. For stinks instead of spooks. Owen wondered if he could make Ianto feel better so he called out to him "Hey Ianto, I know what you found when you looked into the toilet!"
Ianto stopped walking to turn slowly, the fact his neck did not allow movement instead the entire body shifting at the heel should have been warning enough but Jack rising slowly from the crouched position over Gwen's workstation with a look of alarm did warn Toshiko who stopped typing to watch Owen get into deeper shit.
"Do ya know what it was you saw?" Owen asked "Same thing Spock did. The Captain's Log!"
"Ah shit" Jack said softly, pushing away from Gwen's workstation to try and defuse the glowering descent of doom
"Nah… actually I have to put my hand up and admit it was me. I got my wooden shoe stuck in the toilet" Owen said as he looked around the Hub, not reading the room "You know? I clogged it."
Owen looked around with surprise then Myfanwy flew overhead, sensing the danger and wanting to see if it was the rat faced man again. This unfortunately reminded him of more stupidity "come on. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."
"Owen!" Jack warned, almost to Ianto where he hoped to distract him.
"Why did Gwen sit on the toilet?" Owen said, still on a roll "To do her duty"
Ianto flinched. Visibly flinched at the comment and Jack groaned openly now as he knew the connection to Canary Warf (Yvonne and Lisa) had now been triggered and Owen was dead meat no matter what he tired to do now so he slowed and watched the decline of a Twat.
"Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? Because he was pissed off." Owen was snorting, sniggering and he turned to Toshiko "I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes."
Toshiko stared at him with her mouth open. Shock apparent.
"The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?" right? Got it? A poo?"
Owen started to roar with mirth, Ianto blinked as he looked over at Jack.
"You said you talked to him about this. You told me… assured me that these little breakouts were over. Tell me It's Alien interference. Maybe a little traveler? I can taser him to see?" Ianto spoke softly, almost as a lover would to another asking for some sexy time and Jack was taken with those vowels, the soft dreamy expression and it took a moment for the word 'Taser' to infiltrate his grin.
"Now, now Tiger!"
"You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?" Owen turned his attention to Jack now "European."
Ianto let his hand holding the plunger lower to his side as Owen corrected himself "First you Russian...then European...then Finnish"
"Owen … I am about to lose my shit!" Ianto snarled.
"What?" Owen said with surprise "Wait…. What?"
"Enough now. We all thought it funny, now get back to work" Jack said as sternly as he could.
Owen then looked at Ianto and his eyes narrowed, taking in the plunger and the bucket in his other hand, then he pointed at the mop bucket with undisguised glee.
"A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says…" Owen chortled, giggling as he tried to get his breath then ended the Joke with "he said... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!" Get it? The rollers!"
"Yeah, I got it" Ianto smiled back as he dropped his things and reached for his sidearm, the taser feeling so damned good in his hand, even as Jack straggled with him to let it go.
Felt damned good.
Got two good shots in!