(This is a work of fanfiction. The Haunted Mansion, and all its characters, except for Megan, are owned by Disney Corp.)


Megan squinted as she sat near the window in the gathering dusk. Being stuck in the house, had proven to be quite the psychological challenge; but she'd made the best of it by catching up on her 'Round To It list, and learning what she did and didn't value in her everyday life.

As she paused to assess the stack of jeans that still needed hemming, she heard the familiar patter of bare feet in the darkening kitchen...then, the refrigerator door opened.

"Ere, that's the ticket!" chimed a voice. THe refrigerator closed, and a small bowl of hard boiled eggs floated into the living room, and sat itself on a coffee table.

"Hello Gus, how are you? Megan grinned.

"Right as rain, Miss Megan..an' fanks for the snacks," Gus said, daintily examining his prize.

"Don't do it, Gus," Megan warned.

Gus waved his hand over the peeled egg, causing the shell to reform.


"Oh, Gus..!"

"Wha ? I don't like 'em soggy," the little ghost protested, continuing to crunch away.

"They're doing a new movie," said Megan.

"I know...we wasn't consulted," said Gus.

"Do you think thet'll get it right? OUCH!" said Megan, putting her finger to her lips.

"What do you fink?" asked Gus.

Megan didn't have to fink very hard on that one. She'd worked at the Haunted Mansion for six, going on seven years, and had come to the conclusion that the more she'd learned about ghosts, the more she realized that she didn't know much of anything at all.

"Well.." she said, setting her sewing down.

The refrigerator opened again, and the beer bottles clinked.

"Use the opener!" Megan called.

"Should I stick out my pinky when I drink it too?" a voice smarmed.

"The last time, you nearly broke two teeth !" Megan warned.

The junk drawer clattered. "What I don't do for dames.." came a growl.

There was a dull click, then a loud "OW!"

Megan got to her feet, and turned on a small accent lamp. "Do I need to get the instant glue?" she called.

"Uh, no Doll, it's okay," Ezra said floating into the room with his beer, "I got 'em put back in."

He plopped himself into the recliner, and kicked his feet up on nothing. "So what's the hairy little cactus on about now ?"

"Well, for your information, we was talkin' about the new movie, and wever it's gonna be good or not," said Gus, picking up his next victim.

"Yea, they're all talkin' about it," said Ezra, examining a bottle of hand sanitizer.

"Ezra, no.." said Megan.

"Way ahead of ya, Honey. This stuff tastes like Phineas cooked it up," the lanky ghost said, putting it back in its place.

The refrigerator opened, and a cheesecake escaped. "I take exception to that comment," a cake server said, cutting into the cake. "All my medicinal cures are organically sourced."

"Yea, they all taste like cat pi..."

"Ezra!" Megan cautioned. "Hello Phineas, please help youself."

"You're too kind," the pleasingly plump ghost said, materializing on the sofa. "I have given some thought to this little conundrum.."

"Aw geez, here we go with the five dollar words again," said Ezra.

Everyone in the room who wasn't Ezra was now staring at him.

"Aw c'mon! Just cause he stalks around the graveyard at three a-em tryin' to solve all the world's problems, doesn't make him some kind of..." protested Ezra .

Everyone in the room who wasn't Ezra was still staring. Ezra pulled a racing form from his pocket, and fanned himself. "Gettin' kinda warm in here.."

"Phineas finks that..." said Gus, over his shoulder to Megan.

Megan abandoned her sewing, and sat on a hassock near Phineas.

"I can fink.." Phineas sat his food on his lap in exasperation. "I can think for myself, and oddly enough, I can speak for myself as well. I don't beguidge mortals their interest in us; we are, after all quite different than one would expect. We're.."

"Inhuman?" Gus offered helpfully.

Everyone in the room stared.

"I don't like this staring game !" Gus yelped.

Megan leaned forward, and put her hand on Phineas' " hand. "I want to hear," she said.

"How much do you know about ghosts?" Phineas asked her quietly.

"Well, I've worked at the mansion for years.." Megan said, counting on her fingers the sum total of all the thing she knew for sure.

"Nothing," she said.

"Could you write a film about ghosts?" asked Phineas.

"Yes," said Megan.

"Okay," said Phineas, nodding.

Megan began nodding with him.

"Precisely," said Phineas, waiting .

Ezra, Gus, and Megan nodded a bit, and looked to each other, having not one clue about why they were doing that.

Phineas was growing a bit impatient..he didn't much care for warm cheesecake.

The silence was intolerable. "I know jack about ghosts," said Megan.

Everyone in the room agreed on this point.

"...but technically, I could write.." Megan said, rubbing her forehead. "Phineas, you make my brain hurt."

"Good," said Phineas, returning to his snack.

Gus reshelled another egg, and bit into it thoughtfully. "It's a good fing someone in this room knows what he means. All that finking stuff just gives you headache."

"Mortals are dumb, aren't we?" asked Megan.

"Self deprecation is not condusive to critical thinking," sighed Phineas .

"I need a translator," said Ezra, taking another swig of beer.

Gus was busily thumbing through his pocket mortal to ghost vocabulary book.

"What are you looking up?" asked Phineas.

"I dunno..I'm just tryin' ta look busy," said Gus.

Phineas went around to the side door of the discussion. "I could write a film about mortals.." he said, picking a surgical mask out from between the cushions, and regarding it with some distaste.

"Well, sure...you've been a mortal, " said Megan.

Phineas glanced at her just long enough for her to see.. he had no intention of spoon feeding a grown mortal.

The room had darkened, but the little light was enough to see.

"Could use another beer," said Ezra, heading to the kitchen.

"An' eggs," said Gus, following after him .

Megan stole Gus' place on the sofa, and draped her arm around Phineas' shoulder.

They finished the cheescake together.