Hi, my name's Karli. I'm the main character of this, not the person writing it. Just wanted to make that clear.
I currently live in Galar, but I'm here in Vaniville Town, Kalos to visit my friend George. I look like the female Pokémon Trainer in Smash but wearing a more modern outfit and George looks just like the male playable character from Pokémon Emerald but taller. Actually, scratch all that. We don't look like them. They look like us.
Unfortunately, it shouldn't be much longer now until George is more than just my friend. No, he's not gonna ask me out. That would be wrong for at least three reasons. What's actually happening is my mom is gonna marry his dad. My friend becoming my brother sounds like something that I should find awesome, but I find it anything but for some reason. I'm not sure if it's just because I like things a certain way so I don't want things to change or I just miss the ol' days of when I was an only child. Although, those days were technically never because I had a twin sister all along and didn't find out until I think last year.
Anyway, I'm going into George's house now.
He's sitting on the couch and eating hot dogs with his dad. George has got his baby daughter on his lap and they're all laughing about something. Man, I wish George's dad wasn't here. I just wanted to play some Wii U with my buddy like the old days, but now this is gonna turn into a whole big thing about how we're all gonna be one family now. I DON'T WANT THAT!
George is standing up and heading for the front door. "Hey, Karli," he greets. "Sorry to leave right as you get here, but me and Anniecarmenjudypatsy gotta go." Great. Now I gotta say that George's daughter's name is Anniecarmenjudypatsy. I think I prefer to just call her by her nickname, Apple. He wanted to name her after the daughter of another person named George but he couldn't decide which one he wanted, so he combined four of the names he came up with together. His only regret about it is not remembering to include George McFly in that.
"Where are you going?" I ask. After saying the first couple words of that question, I realize I don't actually care. I probably only asked to be nice, or at least mostly for that reason.
"I'm finally gonna help my girlfriend catch a Bruxish," George answers while heading out. "This is long overdue."
"Why are you referring to her as 'my girlfriend' instead of saying her name?" I ask.
"For a perfectly legitimate reason." And with that, George is gone. It's just me and my future stepfather now. Son of an unlikable woman!
Would it be okay if I just left? There's no doubt that it would be super rude to, so the real question here is if I care. I'm 40 percent sure that I don't. "I know you're not thrilled about me Drake&Joshing your mom, but please try to find a positive side of it," he says to me.
That's a good idea. Also, he tried to pander to me by mentioning a TV show I happen to like. Unlike most people, I like being pandered to, so I appreciate him doing it.
Now, let's see. What's something good that'll come from this?
Oh, I know. But first, I'm gonna have to exposition you a little. I grew up with just my mom. Then one day, some random guy showed up and said he was my dad. My mom agreed with him. He did a lot of horrible stuff like make me wear pants and be a massive hypocrite. I realize that may not sound that bad but you had to be there. I found out later he actually wasn't my father at all. He was just some guy who had gotten hypnotized by Omega and so had my mom. It is extremely unlikely you know who Omega is but that's not my problem.
Now- umm- Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. My first experience having a dad was so bad that, on the Father's Day after I found out the truth, I took that one song from Rugrats in Paris and changed the lyrics to 'I Don't Want a Dad' while singing it in a happy tone. Having Mr. Picklebutt here as a dad will definitely be better than that was, so that's what the good thing to come out of this is. Oh, and I didn't call him that as an insult. George and his dad's last name really is Picklebutt. Oh, Arceus! They're not gonna make me change my last name after the wedding, are they?!
"Would you like to hear the story of why me and my first wife got divorced?" he asks to break the silence. The two of us have just been standing here motionless for the last few seconds. Quite a few, in fact, some I probably would've did the same thing. I wouldn't have brought up his divorce, so I guess it's technically not the SAME thing, but you know what I mean.
"No, I do not," I respond. "I just wanna play Mario Kart 8."
"Would you like to play it with me?" my soon-to-be father named Norman asks.
"Multiplayer is for losers. Please go away."
"Alright. But before I go, can you tell me the story about how you were born? Your mother already told me everything but I'd love to hear it from your perspective."
"Maybe some other day." I say while gesturing at the door. Having said that, I've got the house to myself now.
Man, that was painful. She totally hates me. I hope I'm wrong and she's actually just mad at me because she thinks being related to my kids would be too weird. I don't give a barnacle if she hates them. Whether or not people like me is all that matters.
I'm still here at George's house. I'd just leave but there's a couple of Pokémon in front of me and they look like that want something. It's an Emolga and a Dunsparce. They must've taken Translation Pills today because they both say "Hello," to me and I can tell what they're saying. Based on the voices, I believe the Dunsparce is male and the Emolga is female.
"Hello," I say back to them. "Are you two fans of mine?"
"We're your future daughter's twin sister's parents," the Emolga explains to me. That's a sentence you don't hear said very often. "We couldn't help overhearing that you wanted to tell Karli about why you got divorced. Just FYI, no one in the multiverse has a more ridiculous divorce story than we do." Okay, apparently Pokémon can get married. I didn't know that. Did you?
"Oh, you're on!" I exclaim. "Tell you what. I'll tell you mine and then you tell me yours. Whoever has the better one wins."
"Wins what?" the Dunsparce calmly asks me.
I think about that for a moment. I quickly realize I can't come up with an idea for a prize or reward or whatever you wanna call it. "They win this contest we're having. Duh!"
"Sounds good to me," the two Pokémon say at the same time.
And so, I start telling my tale. "My ex-wife and I were both really desperate to get some grandchildren. We lost hope that our daughter will ever give us any a long time ago. Our son, however, seemed to have more of a chance, so we came up with a plan. We figured out that if we got divorced, our son would be upset about it and then maybe he'd have sex with his girlfriend to make himself feel better. He'd probably be too upset to remember to wear a condom and condoms only work 97 percent of the time anyway. This meant he would get her pregnant and us a grandkid. As you may know, that's exactly what happened! Only difference is instead of just one grandkid, we got three!"
The two Pokémon take a second to let everything I just told them sink in. Then the Dunsparce shouts at me. "You are so lying!" I scoff at that. "You and your wife could've gotten remarried after you were done."
"You didn't have to divorce her at all. You could've just lied," the Emolga adds in. "And if this is all true, it makes the fact you got engaged to Karli's mom so fast super duper weird."
With my eyes closed and my arms crossed, I say "Yeah, whatever. Let's here yours now."
The Dunsparce's POV
Okay, let's see. Where do I start? "It was our daughter Emolga's fifth birthday. A green Pokémon with wings appeared out of nowhere and claimed to be Emolga's friend from the future. She said that it was the day we got divorced. Me and my ex-wife wanted to be alone for some reason I can't remember and we could hear Emolga say 'So I have a friend in the future? What's that like?' as we left. We then started having an argument about which was better, Pop-Tarts® or mancala. The argument got so heated that we ended up getting divorced over it on that very day."
"Pop-Tarts® are still better," my ex-wife says despite the fact she is extremely wrong.
The person we're in this contest against who is probably a human is now laughing with his head held up high. "Yeah, okay. You don't stand a chance at winning this," he says. If we lose, I'm challenging him to a game of mancala!
So, who do you think had the best divorce story in the contest? If you want to, please let me know in the comments.