121A/N: Small trigger warning for allusions to suicide. Also, I know this one is really long, but I didn't want to break it up again.
"What?" Castle replied, his confusion clearly written on his face. "What does that mean?"
Trying desperately to maintain the steadiness in her voice, Kate began, "I really thought if I started small, this would be easier, but I can see, now, that it won't be. So I just need you to bear with me. I know I have no right to ask more of you than I already have, but I am. I'm asking for this one more thing."
Castle nodded. "I will hear you out. I will always hear you out."
Kate took a deep breath. "So you asked what happened in the car, but to understand that, we need to go back. I need to tell you how this started; how I got here."
"Wait." Castle interrupted. "Does this have anything to do with what I said to you when you were shot?"
Apparently, Kate's shock was written all over her face because he continued, "I know you remember. I suspected that day on the swings, but the case with the sniper confirmed it. Your reaction to it was too visceral for someone who had no memory of the day."
"I..." Kate stammered. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I could ask you the same thing,"Castle shot back. Kate didn't hear as much anger in his voice as she expected. "I knew you weren't ready to hear it and I picked an awful time to say it. I won't apologize for that. I thought I was going to lose you and that wasn't going to happen without you knowing how I felt. Realizing you were lying really hurt, but I figured the reason had something to do with those infamous walls. As for why I didn't call you on it… Well, I figured you would tell me when you were ready. Actually, I assumed that's what you were working toward since the case at the museum. You've been opening yourself slowly, making confessions, so I just assumed the truth was coming."
Kate sat in stunned silence for what felt like an eternity. When she found her voice again, it was very small. "I can't believe you knew. I can't believe you knew and you're still here."
"Don't get me wrong, Kate. I am furious and I want to know why you lied, but the way I feel about you is not something I can walk away from. So, just start at the beginning and don't stop until you explain why you stopped fighting today."
Kate let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding.
"You won't leave?"
"Kate, every time I said 'Always,' I meant it. I am not going anywhere. I just want to hear the truth."
"Okay. Yes. I heard you in the cemetery. I heard what you said."
"What did I say, Kate?" Castle asked, his voice slightly softer than it had been moments ago. "I need you say it."
"I heard you tell me that you loved me." she said, her voice nearly a whisper. "And you were right Castle. I wasn't ready to hear that and you really did pick a bad time to tell me. But, I would be lying if I said I didn't understand it. I would have done the same thing in those circumstances. In fact, I nearly have multiple times since then."
"What?" Castle interrupted again. "You mean..."
"Seriously?" Kate interrupted. "Do you honestly think I would put us both through all this if I didn't intend to say it back?"
It was Castle's turn to stammer. Before he could form a coherent sentence, Kate continued. "I do intend to say it back, Rick. But you have to let me explain first. If I jump right to the words, I have a feeling you won't hear anything else I say and I can't let that happen. I owe you an explanation. You deserve an explnation and you promised to hear me out."
"You're right." Castle huffed. "On both points. Just… talk fast."
Kate returned his small smile with one of her own.
"Okay. So, when I woke up in the hospital, I remembered everything. It came back in a rush of lights, images, and crippling pain. I couldn't separate your words from everything else that happened that day. I couldn't deal with it. Your words were tangled up with everything I needed to run from. But, make no mistake, I took them with me when I ran. Everything I thought was truth turned out to be lies. The universe pulled the rug out from under me and, to top it off, someone wanted me dead. Your words were the only solid ground I had; the only thing that felt true to me. The only safe place I could stand when everything else was spinning out of control. I clung to them every single day and they gave me strength to keep going when it would have been so easy to give up."
Kate paused to reach over and give his hand a squeeze. He tried to prevent her from taking it back, but she used it to reach for her wine glass. She would never be able to finish if he was touching her.
"When I came back from my dad's cabin, I had to see a department psychiatrist to get cleared for duty. I was still lying to myself and so I lied to him, too. I thought I would be able to keep that day closed up behind my walls, but, after my first case back, I knew that wasn't going to happen. So I went back and told him everything."
"How long did you see him?" Castle asked. Kate did not begrudge him interrupting to ask questions. She was giving him the story, but he needed to make sense of the details.
"I still am. It was, actually, his idea to make smaller confessions and try to build my courage to make this one."
"You talked about me? I'm flattered." Castle chuckled, trying to inject some levity into the air around them.
"We actually talked about you a lot. Maybe more than my shooting." Kate replied with a chuckle of her own.
Seeing the expression on Castle's face lighten slightly, she continued. "Sometime between my first case back and the one with the sniper, I came to realize how much my mom's case was costing me. Someone took her from me, but, since then, I'd allowed that same person to take my life as well. Every decision I made following her murder was driven by the need to find who was responsible. I let her case define everything from my career choice to the men I chose to be with. I insulated myself behind the walls of her case and didn't let anyone in because I thought if I didn't let anyone get close, I wouldn't get hurt. Turns out I was wrong about that."
Kate paused take a sip of her wine before she continued. "The case with the sniper shook me in more ways than one. Yes, it triggered my PTSD, but it was more than that. Staring down the barrel of his gun, I saw myself. I saw someone so driven by the things that happened to her, she was willing to destroy everything else in her life. I saw everything that we could be; everything I wanted; everything I was hiding from. I realized in those few seconds how broken I really was. Being shot wasn't enough to make me see it. Almost dying wasn't enough. It took another person, just as broken as I was to make me realize I wanted to be more; that I wanted to live beyond the scope of my mother's case; and that I wanted to do it with you. That's why I continued to see Burke and talk about you. I needed to fix myself before I could start building something with you."
Kate saw Castle open his mouth to interrupt again, but she barreled on.
"Don't say that I didn't need to fix anything; that you wanted me just as I was. I was broken Castle, still am in some ways. And I meant what I said all those weeks ago. Nothing that lasts can be built on a cracked foundation. I know you probably think we could have made repairs to the foundation while we built something, but we couldn't. It wouldn't have been strong enough. I wouldn't have been strong enough. We would have just gotten the walls, or the ceilings, or maybe even the decorations up before something came along and shook everything. Then, those hastily repaired cracks would have brought the whole, beautiful thing tumbling down in a heap of tears, broken hearts, and rubble."
"I think you're taking the 'building a relationship is like building a house' metaphor a little far, Kate. But I know what you mean. I wish I could've do more to help than just waiting, but I understand why you needed to do it alone. But none of that explains why you lied."
"Castle," Kate sighed "lying to you about hearing you say you loved me is possibly the biggest mistake of my life. We talked already about how selfish it was to run and shut you out. I lied for many of the same reasons. I was selfish and scared and so broken. Lying to you was not the right choice, but I can't say I regret it..."
"Hold on. Hold on." Castle interjected. "You don't regret lying to me? You don't regret asking me to wait with nothing but a promise cloaked in subtext to hold on to?"
"No, Castle," Kate said, softly, "I don't. I'm not proud of it, but that lie forced me to deal with my walls. Because you were right. I crawled inside my mom's case and didn't come out. I was hiding there. I'd convinced myself that I couldn't be happy until her case was solved, but really I was just scared. I was scared to find out who I was without it, scared that letting you in would mean I would lose you because I lost everyone who meant anything to me. I was convinced if I even entertained the idea of more, I would only get hurt, or worse, I would hurt you. That fear is what made me keep you at arm's length for so many years. Unfortunately, the summer you spent in the Hamptons with Gina only served to reinforce that fear."
"Wait! What? What about Gina?" Kate watched as the meaning of her words washed over him. "No. Kate. No."
Kate stopped him before he spun out and derailed all the momentum she had. "No, Rick. It's okay. It wasn't then, but it is now. We can talk more about it later, if you want, but right now, I need to keep going."
Castle didn't say anything, just nodded in reply.
"So, I lied because I was scared. That's the long and the short of it. I was scared and I was selfish. I know how wrong I was and I am so, so sorry. I know that can't possibly be enough."
"It is, Kate. It's enough. I'm still mad, probably will be for a while. But it's enough." The tears Kate had been fighting finally broke free and spilled down her cheeks. Castle caught them with his forefinger and wiped them away. "Now, tell me what happened in that car today."
Kate swallowed thickly and gathered what was left of her courage. This was the hard part. "I thought I'd lost you. It was the second time since the cemetery that I thought I'd lost you and you didn't know how I felt. I realized, after the bank, that I wouldn't survive losing you. So, when you went after my gun and didn't come back, I thought, just for a moment, that it would be better to join you than lose you. It wasn't until I saw the lights from the dock that I realized I wasn't going to; that we were both okay."
Castle's hand flew to his mouth and he shook his head vigorously. "No. Absolutely not, Kate. First, you will never lose me if I can help it. But if I can't, you have to promise you will survive; live. The world would go on without me in it, but it needs people like you, Kate. The world needs you in it. Promise me. Promise me right now that you will stay in it even if I'm not."
Kate was a little shocked at the intensity of his words, but she nodded. "I promise. Anyway, it doesn't matter because you saved the day once again. What does that bring the score to?" She asked, desperate to inject a little levity. "I think I am trailing by two, now."
Castle chuckled, despite still looking very serious. "Just promise never to think like that again and we'll call it even." Both were quiet for a moment, each absorbing everything that had been revealed in the last few minutes.
Eventually, it was Castle who broke the silence. "Why now?" he asked, scooting closer to her on the floor. "You already said you were working up to telling me with all the smaller confessions, but why did you decide to tell me now?"
"Well, I promised we would talk about what happened in the car, but that was only part of it. Actually, it as Sophia that forced me to decide it had to be tonight."
"Sophia? Really?"
"Yeah. I realized she and I were the same."
"Wait. Please tell me you're not a KGB sleeper agent too."
Kate actually laughed. "Somehow I knew that's where your mind would go. No, I was just someone you thought you could trust who was lying to you. I was so mad at Sophia for what she did to you, realizing I was essentially doing the same thing was a serious gut-punch. I saw how much her betrayal hurt you and I couldn't keep hurting you, too. I am doing the work and I'm nearly where I want to be, but tonight I decided I couldn't waste any more time. I had to tell you and hope against hope you would forgive me."
For a moment, Castle didn't say anything. Kate was beginning to worry, now that he'd heard her out, he was going to leave. She was preparing herself to watch him walk away when he finally spoke. "Even though she's dead, I will have a hard time forgiving Sophia. And, I'll be honest, your lie hurts a lot worse than Sophia's. The difference is, I never loved Sophia, but I do love you, unconditionally. So, I forgive you Kate."
Kate simply shook her head and stared at him. "I don't think I will ever deserve you, Richard Castle, but I will spend every day trying to be someone who does."
"And I will spend every day trying to convince you that you already are."
Rick didn't bother to wipe the tears from Kate's face this time. He just reached out and drew her in. She wrapped her arms around his back and clutched his shirt. She buried her face in his neck and whispered, "Thank you, Rick."
Rick slowly ran his fingers up and down her spine. Kate felt him take a deep breath and hold it, as if he wanted to say something, but was stopping himself. She drew back, wiping her eyes, and asked, "I can tell you're holding back something. What is it? At this point, I think you've earned the right to ask me anything."
Castle stared down at where his hands had landed in his lap and he muttered, "I know you said you intended to, but…"
His voice trailed off before be could finish, but Kate knew exactly what he meant. She took his hands in her own, drawing his eyes up to meet hers. She leaned forward and gently kissed the knuckles of his left hand. With a soft smile Kate said, "I really thought you were going to ask me for something difficult."
She replaced his hands in his lap and moved her own to either side of his face. She looked him squarely in the eye, so he could see, as well as hear, the truth of her words. Then, with absolute certainty, she whispered, "Rick, I love you. I love you, Rick."
Before she could register his movement, Castle was kissing her. His strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her tight against him. She moved her hands from his face and tangled them in his hair. Kate could not say how long the kiss lasted. It could have been mere seconds. It could have been several hours. All she knew was, when oxygen finally became necessary, the two did not put much space between them. With her forehead resting on his, Kate asked, "So what happens now?"
Castle just met her eyes with a radiant smile and replied, "I have no idea. But I can't wait to find out."
A/N: There you have it! I hope I didn't let Kate off the hook too easily. I imagine if Castle realized she was lying very early on, he would have worked to forgive her before she even admitted it, but I still felt like Kate needed to explain herself.
I am not sure if this is the end of this story. I am going to mark it complete for now, but, should inspiration strike, I may continue and deal with Castle's lie by omission and the fall out from her mother's case resurfacing.
Again, a million thanks to everyone who followed, favorited, and commented. You all made my first multichapter worth the writing.