Summary: SSHG, Severus, King of the Goblins, is served an ultimatum by his people to take a queen or they will rebel. They've waited centuries for him to get his act together, tolerated his insufferable crush on the girl Sarah, waited for that stupid de-ageing-humanity curse to wear off, and even given him a few decades to get over that bloody red-headed horror who traumatised him for longer than any self-respecting king should ever be. Enough is enough. No more excuses. Jareth must find a queen willing to sit beside him on the throne of the Goblin Nation or they will make him wear— glitter.

Warnings: Crack, I mean come on. This is a Corvus story… sheesh.

Beta Love: Hahahahhahaha no one found me yet! Nope, caught ya, birdie! - Dragon, Dragon and the Rose, Dutchgirl01, and a lured in JoJo the Rad Penguin, DeepShadows2

Note: Posting these with smaller chapters to see how it goes... not sure how I feel about smaller chapters.

Note2: This story was originally posted on AO3 with illustrations.

A King Without a Queen

There's such a sad love

Deep in your eyes

A kind of pale jewel

Open and closed

Within your eyes

I'll place the sky

Within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart

Beatin' so fast

In search of new dreams

A love that will last

Within your heart

I'll place the moon

Within your heart

-David Bowie (Labyrinth)

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Severus scoffed as he threw the parchment down on the table.

"Not kidding, Sire!" the smaller goblin said, both grovelling and insistent. "The Goblin Nation is both concerned and most restless that you have not taken a queen in centuries. They have been waiting most patiently. They tolerated your fascination with the young human, Sarah, but she abandoned you and us for her dreams, and then while you were drinking that off, some wizard de-age cursed you and stuck you in the form of a human whelp. Just when things were starting to look good for your return, you got infatuated with a red-headed menace and got yourself oathbound to one and tattooed by a megalomaniac. Now that both of them are dead, the Nation wishes for you to fulfil your contractual obligation as King of the Goblins to take a Queen that willingly wishes to remain by your side (and by natural progression the Nation) and bless us with royal goblets to fuss over and take our minds off being reduced to the tedium of finance and banking when we really just want to get out there and remind people why we're goblins and not ridiculous flitting fairies."

"And if I should refuse this asinine attempt to get me married to some sappy bint who thinks being married to the King of the Goblins is a good idea?" Severus' dark gaze seemed even more umbral than usual.

The younger goblin tugged at his collar. "The Goblin Nation will require you to wear nothing but glitter for every single day you remain unwed."

Severus' jaw tightened. " Fuck ."

Severus Snape, the reigning goblin king, who was once thoroughly humiliated as the man who fell for not one but two superficial young human girl-witches who turned him into a sodding love-sick fool was having one hell of a temper tantrum.

Oh, sure, he'd let silly Sarah run off to pursue her dreams and save her baby brother after CLEARLY asking Severus to take him and then doing an abrupt about-face without explanation, changing her mind— he'd at least grown a little since then— not that the mortal world forgave him that either. Some blithering twit made a damn movie about it, plastering the embarrassing tale of his epic romantic failure upon countless Muggle movie screens the world over.

Not that the Nation was forgiving him over that one.

At all.

Hell, he hadn't been able to forgive himself— hence the bout of drinking that had gotten him so utterly knackered that he hadn't seen the curse coming straight for him.

Something about being a bloody pervert who deserved to see how real people lived—

And so Jareth, King of the Goblins, became Severus Tobias Snape, whose father was such an unbelievable bastard that he didn't even remember what drunken night might have given him an unexpected child and whose mum was a witch running from so much debt in fleeing her family that she was obligated to play her part up until the point when Tobias had gotten so pissed drunk that he'd beaten her to death—

Of course, Severus hadn't known any of this until his subsequent "death" had freed him from the yoke of two cruel masters and an entire human lifetime of crushing guilt and shameful pining for a witch that hadn't cared enough to forgive him a single word said in a devastating moment of humiliation and anger.

No. Severus and Jareth had both had it with females of any species.

Females were incredibly fickle creatures, judgemental, barking mad, bloody unpredictable, unreliable, unreasonable, irrational, and—

Nothing but trouble.

They were one hundred and ninety-nine point nine percent trouble.

A goblin flying lizard dropped off a stack of parchments, each with an astonishingly detailed dossier on suitable prospective "dates" for him to go on starting—

That very night.


The entire banking establishment of Gringotts shook violently with the sheer intensity of his negative response.