If the Emperor had a bunch of Anime Waifus

By Full-Paragon

Kitten looked up at the Golden Throne, feeling a deep sense of remorse as the Emperor ranted about...something. What was it, again? Oh, right. He was going on about how annoying it was that the Mechanicus insisted he was their "Omnissiah."

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOD WORTH WORSHIPING. ALL GODS ARE INSANE, EVIL, AND OR AN ENORMOUS ASSHOLE WHO WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO SUCK ALL THE SOULS OUT OF EVERYONE TO EAT LIKE SO MANY KIT-KAT BARS.

Magnus, of course, couldn't just accept that His Glorious Golden Self was right, and needed to argue about it, which just made Kitten feel even more hopeless. "But father, just because the Gods of Chaos have negative traits doesn't mean there couldn't be gods worth worshiping. Even the gods of chaos have positive aspects to them."

I THOUGHT AFTER THEM TWISTING YOU INTO A MONOCULAR LAP DOG YOU WOULD LEARN YOUR LESSON MY SON, BUT IT IS SIMPLE: GODS CANNOT EVER BE TRUSTED, NOR CAN YOU PUT YOUR FAITH IN THEM. THIS IS WHY THE IMPERIAL CREED IS SO IMPORTANT, AND WHY I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT FOR INSISTING THAT ATHEISM IS THE ONE TRUE RELIGION.

"There's so much wrong with that I actually don't know where to start," Magnus mused. "Look, without the chaos gods, there would be no emotion. No hope. You can't simple write off one of the most pivotal aspects of the human experience. Without hope, are we even human?"

"Our existence does feel pretty hopeless right now," Kitten muttered. "If only there was a way to get the Emperor off his throne. I just know if he were healed, he'd be able to lead the Imperium into a glorious new age."

"That would be nice, but I doubt father is just going to stand up on his one, considering he's been sitting there for 10,000 years. Let's face it, you might as well wish for an actual set of benevolent deities to show up and magically heal father," Magnus laughed. He lifted a large red hand, grinning at Kitten. "Look, I'll just snap my fingers, and summon a power capable of doing just that."

Kitten felt a sense of utter despair as he listened to Magnus jeer. Was there no hope? The Emperor had turned out to be a grumpy old man, and even though Kitten still had faith in him, his orders had throne the Imperium into chaos, and started wars that would leave billions dead. Was there no hope?

There was a loud snap, and a bright light suddenly filled the Throne Room. Not the artifical brilliant golden light of the Emperor, but a soft, soothing light, one that felt natural and pure, and spoke of the beauty of nature, of rest, and most of all, of hope.

Be not afraid. I am Madoka, Goddess of Hope. I have heard your pleas, O child of man. You are lost and weary, and fear that light itself will fade. I shall not allow this.

Even the Emperor was at a loss for words, as from the light stepped what appeared to be a young woman with magenta hair, soft fucsia eyes, and a warm smile on her lips. She was dressed in a white dress, and pure alabaster wings on her back, and carried a bow of rosewood that had blooming flowers along the haft. She floated gently down to the ground, landing with a soft flutter of her wings. She smiled not at Magnus, nor the Emperor, but instead at Kitten. "You love your father, don't you? You wish only for him to be safe, and healed, and for him to bring hope to his people once more, don't you?"

Kitten couldn't respond, just gaping at the apparent angel that had manifested so suddenly, Magnus was staring at his own hand, blinking (or perhaps winking, it was hard to tell) in shock. The first to recover, of course, was the Emperor.

OK. WHAT IN THE SHI-

Before the Emperor could start in on his profanity laden tirade, the angel slammed her bow into the ground, creating a pure note, one that filled every heart that heard it with hope.

"Sir, that is most inappropriate language," the angel in white declared. "I am going to have to ask that you moderate yourself. Especially if you want to be healed. I won't withhold healing because you have a potty mouth, but I will be very upset, and I'll let Hestia wash your mouth out with soap."

OK. STOP RIGHT THERE. I AM THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO IN MY OWN THRONE ROOM? I WAS GOING TO ASK IF YOU WERE SANGUINUS, BUT THAT LITTLE COMMENT HAS CONVINCED ME THAT SOMEHOW, MY MOST BELOVED SON NOT ONLY CAME BACK TO LIFE, BUT GOT A GENDER CHANGE WHILE HE WAS AT IT, WHICH IS SUPER GROSS BECAUSE THERE ARE NO GIRLS IN MY PERFECT PRIMARCHS OR SPACE MARINES.

"Oh!" the girl put a hand to her mouth in embarrassment, then dipped her head slightly. "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself! I am Madoka, Goddess of Hope. I'm sorry, I'm not Sanguinus. I'm afraid he is truly dead."

YOU. BANANA FLAVORED COMPANION.

"Yes, my lord?" Kitten managed, still not sure what to make of the situation.

IT IS CLAIMING TO BE A GOD. YOU PEOPLE THESE DAYS LOVE TO TALK ABOUT HERESY. FOR ONCE, I AM IN AGREEMENT. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Before Kitten could charge into glorious melee like a complete moron, Magnus spoke up again. "Now hold on Father, she offered to heal you, and doesn't appear to be malevolent. In fact, I'm not sensing any ill intentions from her at all through the Warp. Actually, she's got a massive Warp presence but it's like the Warp itself bends around her. Haven't you noticed? She radiates...hope."

"I am the Hope of Mankind," Madoka said, stepping forward. She put a gentle hand to Magnus's head, a look of sorrow on her face. "You have suffered greatly. They nearly succeeded in twisting you into a witch. I can...I can restore you, a bit, if you will allow me."

"Restore me? What, you going to turn me back into a human?" Magnus asked in amusement. "If you can do that, I might just be willing to actually worship you, if only to spite father."

"That would take a long time, but the road to redemption is one any can walk. I was mostly talking about your eye. There."

There was a soft warm glow, and Magnus stumbled back, his hand going to his face, where two eyes now sat, the ruined socket utterly repaired. "But this...this isn't even...I don't even have a body! How did you-"

OK. THAT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF AWESOME. I STILL DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU CLAIM TO BE A GODDESS, BUT IF YOU CAN TELL ME HOW YOU MANAGED TO TRICK MY SON INTO ACTUALLY STOPPING HIS LITTLE PITY PARTY LONG ENOUGH TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON, I WON'T TRY TO INSTANTLY KILL YOU.

"It's not a trick. Magnus just lived without hope for a long time. I gave him a little back. With that, he once more sees the world clearly, and thus, he manifests having two eyes," Madoka explained. "It's metaphorical."

Madoka looked up at the Emperor, frowning. "As for you, I think you do need to be healed, but it's not your body that I'm most worried about. You gave up your emotions, and with that, your hope, compassion, love, joy, faith, sorrow, and everything else that makes someone truly human. You too need healing."

EMOTIONS ARE FOR PU-

Madoka gave the Emperor a flat look.

-EOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT RULING AN ENTIRE SPECIES. BUT OK. LET'S SAY I NEED THEM BACK. HOW COULD YOU PROVE TO ME THAT YOU ARE TRULY A BENEVOLENT DEITY?

"My Lord, she did just heal Magnus. Maybe she can be trusted?" Kitten asked, true hope filling his heart for the first time since the Emperor had first been ensconced in the Golden Throne.

BUT SHE IS NOT HUMAN, AND ONLY HUMANS CAN BE TRUSTED. GODS CANNOT BE.

"I was once human, and in many ways, I still am. In fact, I think I'm more human than you are now, Sigmar."

The silence at Madoka's words was immediate and deafening, so much so that Kitten clutched at his helmet, and Magnus staggered slightly.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME.

"Your name. It's been a long time, hasn't it? But your parents named you Sigmar, didn't they? It's still engraved on your soul. You should have kept that name. Names are important. They are a part of who we are. They keep us humble. That is why I shall always be as my own mother and father called me: Madoka."

FINE. MADOKA. IF THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. I TELL YOU WHAT. I SHALL ALLOW YOU TO HEAL ME, IF YOU CAN BEAT KITTEN IN A CONTEST.

"Oh, I won't heal you. I'm not especially good at healing. I leave that to my friends, Aqua and Ristarte," Madoka explained. "I'm good at a lot of things, but they're very skilled at healing. They're goddesses too. I'm sort of the leader of our Pantheon. We call ourselves the Seven Goddesses, the Guides of Man. And women too. Don't think I forgot about that bit about 'No Girls Allowed.' I have met some ladies that are quite excellent warriors, thank you."

FINE. THESE TWO BEAT MAGNUS AND KITTEN IN A CONTEST, AND YOU CAN HEAL ME.

"Really father, I don't think that's fair," Magnus said, turning both his eyes to glare up at the Golden Throne. She's a girl. Even if she can heal me, I'm a powerful sorcerer, and Kitten is a Custodes even if he's a strange one. He's an experienced warrior, fi we fought-

Madoka spread her wings, and a sudden shockwave slammed through the Throne Room, rattling everything. Her eyes blazed, and her shadow grew in length as she seemed to stretch and grow, just for a moment, thorny vines twisting around her bow.

"-we would lose. We would lose horribly," Magnus finished, sounding both astonished and horrified.

"My friends are not going to fight you. Not only do we have a strict policy of not fighting Mortals, which Kitten is, but it would be a shame to destroy you, Magnus. You can yet find hope, and regain your humanity. No, there will be no direct combat."

FINE. BEAT HIM IN A CONTEST OF YOUR CHOOSING.

"I'll leave that up to Aqua," Madoka declared, and pulled out a communication device. "Hey, girls? I think we got an in! Yep, we'll save all the people here! Yes, yes, and destroy those nasty gods. Yes, I know you're particularly offended by this Nurgle. I personally want to rip that Tzeentch in half. Manipulating fate like that! People should be able to choose for themselves! Look, they want you to face them in a contest first. No, you can pick. That? I'm sure it will be fine. Just bring extras. Ok!"

A second later, two more young women appeared, one a buxom blonde who apperaed slightly older, the other a blue haired girl.

"OK! The rules are simple!" the blue haired one declared without preamble. "You have to defeat Ristarte and I in a game of Commander!"

YOU ARE CHALLENGING MY SONS, ONE OF WHICH IS A LITERAL DAEMON PRINCE WHO LEADS HIS THOUSAND SONS IN BATTLE AND HAS DONE SO FOR MILLENIA, AND THE OTHER THE CAPTAIN OF MY CUSTODES, THE MOST ELITE FIGHTING FORCE IN THE GALAXY, IN A CHALLENGE AT WHO COMMANDS BETTER IN BATTLE?

"Huh?" the blue haired woman looked baffled. "What, no! I don't know anything about fighting, I'm Aqua, Goddess of Water! And Ristarte is the Goddess of Healing. No, I mean, this, Commander!"

Aqua held up what appeared to be four boxes, each 14 centimeters high, in a variety of colors. "I brought extras to share! You can even pick!"

"I have also brought spare decks for our challenge," the blonde, who had to be Ristarte agreed. "Choose wisely!"

WAIT. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU THREE, WHO CLAIM TO BE DIETIES, ARE CHALLENGING MY SON, THE GRUMPY RED BICLYOPS, AND KITTEN, WHO IS THE MOST ADORABLE MURDER MACHINE I HAVE EVER CREATED, TO A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME FOR THE FATE OF THE GALAXY?

"Duh. What did you expect us to do? Play Monopoly or something?" Aqua asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "That's a good way to make everyone hate each other."

"W-what makes you think I-I even know how to play this...children's card game?!" Kitten gasped, jerking away from the offered boxes.

"Or me? I am a primarch, and a Daemon Prince! Why do you assume I would lower myself to such a level?!" Magnus cried in outrage.

OH PLEASE. YOU ARE BOTH HUGE NERDS. IF ANYONE IN THE IMPERIUM KNOWS HOW TO PLAY A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME, IT WOULD BE YOU TWO.

"I'll go get my Adriana Deck," Kitten mumbled, hurrying from the Throne room before he could die of embarrassment.

Magnus sighed, made a portal in the air, and reached in to pull out a vessel shaped like a red human skull, popping it open to reveal meticulously sleeved cards inside. "I've got my Okaun and Zndrsplt deck right here."

"Great! I'll just use my favorite then," Aqua said, conjuring up a table with a gesture and pulling out a red deck box, decorated with a variety of stickers.

"What, you're a goddess of water, is that a Thassa deck?" Magnus taunted.

"Nope! I like Norin the Wary!" Aqua declared, happily pulling out her somewhat creased and nicked cards, all sleeved in custom artwork that featured herself, of course.

"I shall be playing Daxos Deck! I had him custom altered, check out his abs!" Ristarte giggled, showing off her commander, which was indeed a custom paint job, so that a shirtless Daxos resembled a dark haired, stern looking Japanese man.

"I did the alter myself! He looks just like her husband Seiya now!" Aqua said brightly as Megnus eyed the card suspiciously. "Look, my deck is all custom alters too! I did them myself."

Indeed, Norin now resembled Aqua herself, holding aloft a torch as she explored some hidden dungeon, a look of worry on her face.

"Uh-huh. Well. My deck is a fully blinged out in foil. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find all the cards for it, even in the Warp," Magnus said, carefully shuffling his deck.

"I'm back," Kitten said, sitting down at the table and taking out his own deck. "I'm afraid my deck isn't terribly competitive, but I shall do my best to make you proud, my lord."

"I wouldn't worry about it. They're playing mono-white and mono-red. Even if your just playing Boros, I assume you at least tuned your 99?" Magnus asked.

"Oh, of course! My list is nothing but the finest of the Emperor's Warriors, ready to fight in glorious melee combat for the God Emperor!" Kitten said eagerly.

"Roll to see who goes first?" Aqua offered. She tossed down a D20, and her expression fell when she rolled a natural 1. "I always do horrible with that."

In the end, Kitten ended up going first, slapping down an Alpha Plateau, which had everyone at the table making appreciative noises, especially when he tapped it and played a genuine Legends Land Tax, in Italian, naturally.

"You understand what they're doing?" Madoka asked the Emperor.

DO I LOOK LIKE ENOUGH OF A NERD TO ACTUALLY BOTHER PLAYING A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME TO YOU?

The goddess rolled her eyes. "You really do need to get your humanity back, you know. It wouldn't kill you to have fun every once in a while. If you hate card games so much, why have them play?"

BECAUSE, I HAVE A PLAN THAT IS FAR TO COMPLEX FOR A CHILD LIKE YOU TO COMPREHEND. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT EVEN IF I EXPLAINED IT, WHICH I WON'T.

"Oh really?" Madoka's eyes sparkled with mischief, and she straighed up and began to tick points off on her fingers. "First, you only said a contest. You wanted to see what kind we would pick. Just by choosing a seemingly innocuous game instead of some epic battle or other, more deadly or traditional kind of contest, you learned a lot about us."

PERHAPS, BUT THAT IS-

"Second, by observing how the contest plays out, you have a chance to see if we're willing to cheat to get what we want. How they interact during the contest is important too. Will we get nasty, feign politeness, or be kind and friendly?"

I AM STARTING TO THINK YOU ARE HERE TO SUCK ALL THE FUN OUT OF MY LIFE, WHICH IS PRETTY MISERABLE AS IT IS.

"We're here to help you, and heal you, in case there's something wrong with your hearing," Madoka said sweetly. "But I'm not finished. You also get a chance to see if we're compatible with your two children. Will we get along? Kitten's one of the nicest people around, and Magnus one of the toughest to actually be friends with without falling to his manipulations. If we can get along with them, we can get along with anyone.

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? THAT IS THE SOUND OF YOU RUINING MY PLAN BY EXPLAINING IT. IF YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS PLANNING, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO JUST SCHEME ALONG AND TRY TO MANEUVER ME INTO DOING WHAT YOU WANT, NOT JUST LAY THINGS OUT SO EVEN A MORON COULD FOLLOW IT.

"It's ok. Where I'm from, we have room even for big meanies like you," Madoka said, and affectionately patted the Emperor's leg.

The game lasted for several hours, not because of the great skill of those involved, but because Aqua was playing a Norin the Wary deck, and the game rapidly devolved into such a messy and confusing board state that even literal goddesses and daemon princes had a hard time keeping track of it all.

"Ok, so, with all those triggers on the stack, I've got back my Warstorm Surge, and Norin comes back onto the battlefield and leaves again, which with Grip of Chaos, which is currently controlled by Kitten, and we reselect the target… ok, so the two damage goes to Magnus. I think that kills you?"

"I cannot believe you turned my own strategy against me!" Magnus ranted, throwing down his hand in disgust.

"Strategy? I just wanted to have fun!" Aqua laughed. "Ok, so, I need to randomly assign all these triggers, but I get back my Torbran, which means all the damage is increased by 2. Um, Ristarte, help me with the math?"

Kitten rubbed at his helmet's crest as the two goddesses calculated all the ETB triggers from Aqua having resolved a Warp World off her of her Possibility Storm, which was controlled by Ristarte. In the end, Aqua killed Kitten, then herself, leaving Ristarte as the last player standing.

"Aw man, I thought I was going to win that one," Aqua sighed. But she grinned widely, and reached across the table, offering a hand to Kittten. "That was fun though! I really like your Adriana deck! I bet you choose each of those cards as a tribute to your friends, didn't you? It's like a little story you tell yourself when you play!"

"You...you could tell?" Kitten asked, blinking and gently shaking the goddesses hand, which was like that of a small child's in his massive armored grip. "I did! For example, I chose Hero of Bladehold to represent Vulkan himself, for his love of making friends and how he inspires his brothers in battle! I know the artwork doesn't really match, but, well, I think it fits him."

"I could help you altar your cards! I love doing that! My favorite is doing custom jobs for my friends and helping them make their decks super cute!" Aqua burbled.

"So, they won," Madoka said, eyeing the Emperor. "What happens now."

I CONFESS YOU APPEAR TO ACTUALLY BE BENEVOLENT, BUT I AM NOT CONVINCED YOU ARE ACTUALLY GODDESSES. YOU SEEM FAR TOO SILLY FOR THAT.

"Hey, just because you're a boring, crusty old man of a god doesn't mean WE have to act that way!" Aqua argued.

"Oh no," Kitten moaned, as the Emperor's artificial eye glowed an ominous red.

WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?

"Boring. And old. And you stink too. Come on, let's just heal him Rista so he can go take a shower or something," Aqua declared.

WAIT. I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS! DON'T YOU DARE-

"Father, just let them try at least to heal you," Magnus argued. "They're harmless enough, and powerful. If you really want to restore the Imperium, being healed would give us a huge advantage.

FINE. YOU CAN TRY TO HEAL ME. BUT I DOUBT YOU WILL ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH IT.

"O ye of little faith," Ristarte giggled, and she and Aqua raised their hands.

"SACRED GREATER HEAL!"

A light so pure and holy that it blinded even the Emperor himself filled the throne room, and a choir of angels filled the air. Madoka allowed herself a small smug grin. It was time to blow some sunshine up the ass of this word and it's insufferable grimness. Only war in the far future, was there? Well. It was time for a little something different.