Drow Arena: A Crackfic
The author watched on as K'yorl Odran, the psionicist Matron Mother of House Oblodra entered the arena. "Heck yes, mothertruckers," she yelled, stepping out onto the sand of the Underdark Arena in Menzoberranzan. Why there was sand on the floor of an arena in the Underdark doesn't really matter, but the author liked it.
"First challenger, a tiny drow baby!" announced the announcer. The crowd cheered, they loved tiny babies. The baby blinked up at K'yorl, then she fainted to the ground. "It's an unsurprising victory for the tiny baby" Shouted the announcer, to nobody's surprise. The author smiled, because he knew that he had to make amends for overstating K'yorl's power.
"The next challenger, the Lichdrow!" K'yorl was finally revived by being slapped repeatedly by Methil El'Viddenvelp's lush face tentacles. "Heck yes, beaches," She yelled, and rushed out onto the hard stone floor of the Underdark Arena in Menzoberranzan. The crowd cheered, they loved the lichdrow, he was so old and old. Also he was old. And wrinkly. The lichdrow started to waggle his fingers, casting such a powerful spell that it would destroy K'yorl Odran and her whole house. The author raised his eyebrows, intrigued, but not overly interested.
Suddenly the old drow fell down, holding his head. K'yorl smiled as she read his mind with her powerful psionic attack, which he couldn't guard against and cast his spell at the same time, due to only being able to focus on one thing at once. "I'll be back," she yelled in a fake German accent, not that she knew what that was, and dashed off, leaving the silly old man lying on the ground.
Soon she was back, holding a big complicated glass looking setup known as a phylactery, she found the location in the lichdrow's mind because he didn't think ahead and make sure he didn't know where it was hidden. "Now," she said, "wouldn't it be a shame if I just accidentally dropped this?" But she didn't drop it because K'yorl Odran didn't have accidents (at least not since she stopped wetting the bed at 45 years old [hey, it's young for a drow]). No, she didn't drop it. She threw it. "Oops"
"The next challenger, some fake-sounding half-dragon thing that totally seems like the canon authors ran out of inspiration." The author smirked. That sounded about right. Like seriously, a whole cult of half-dragon drow, couldn't they do any better than that. Suddenly he was worried. What if this insanely powerful creature could defend itself mentally and attack K'yorl at the same time? And what if Auro'pol found out? In the past? He'd have to rewrite the whole story.
K'yorl wasn't worried though. She just blasted its mind with her powers and another easy win for K'yorl Odran. With surprise, she found out that there was a secret society known as the Jaezred Chaulssin, and that in about 50 years, during the Silence of Lloth, they would find out about this very secret society that literally no female in Menzoberranzan currently knew existed, including Auro'pol. "Too Easy," she yelled in an Aussie accent.
In the brief intermission between bouts, K'yorl went up to Mez'Barris Armgo. "Hey Mez'Barris," she said. "Should we invite a bunch of males to our super secret meeting of the six highest ranked Matron Mothers not named Do'Urden or Baenre?" The author shook his head at the stupidity, and provided Mez'Barris with her script.
"Um, no…" the Matron of the Second House replied.
"The final round!" yelled the announcer. "Yvonnel Baenre, Zaknafein Do'Urden, and Lloth herself versus K'yorl Odran!" The crowd went wild. The author paled. This wasn't how it was supposed to go… The writing prompt was most dangerous single drow, not two drow and their literal deity. Oh well, such is life.
K'yorl charged onto the surface of the lake that was the Underdark Arena in Menzoberranzan, walking on water just as easily this round as she had in all the previous rounds. "H-E-double hockey sticks yes, ditch pits," she cried. The crowd cheered, they loved seeing Lloth literally eat the competition. Fwoop went K'yorl (which in cannon is the noise mind-flayers make when using their stunning attacks and how different is a psionicist?) and the three opponents were paralysed. None of them recovered from the blast before K'yorl stole Zaknafein's weapons, pushed Yvonell Baenre over (and she was too old to get back up unassisted), and kneed Lloth right in the silk-sac (it's a very sensitive area for spider deities). "THE WINNER, K'YORL ODRAN" bellowed the announcer.
"Waaaa" said the baby that everyone had forgotten. K'yorl wasn't the most dangerous drow on Faerun, she was. But sadly the author went back in the second draft and cut her out, that mean, mean author that the author is.
Don't forget to check out my author's profile page for updates on all my stories (and random other thoughts).
I received a review of my most recent chapter of Heirs of the Underdark that inspired me to write this story. Is it terrible? Yes. Did I enjoy it? Also yes. You're welcome.