Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor any of the elements; they all belong to their respective owners.


Bowser was at his limit. Since the events of his son's adventure, which occurred during Fawful's attempted plan to use the Dark Star to take over the world, something drastically changed between his son and his adopted children. What used to be a rivalry to prove who was the better Koopa to gain his favor had now turned into something almost akin to friendship. No longer were Junior and the other Koopalings fighting over Bowser's attention and praise. Instead, they were now taking every moment to hang out with each other... and Bowser was not liking it a bit! It wasn't because he enjoyed seeing his kids bicker a lot, no. In fact, he was glad they started to get along after Junior decided to treat everybody more fairly. The problem was that because the Koopalings and Junior were so distracted by their newfound friendship, a lot of assignments had been neglected. Eventually, Bowser began to wonder if this would affect their training as future warlords.

Wanting them to regain focus, Bowser decided to call up an old associate of his from the real world. Last week, said associate had arrived at Bowser's castle via a Warp Pipe. The associate in question was a tall, lanky man with a big nose, a large chin, and a handlebar mustache wearing a dark purple trench coat, red gloves on his hands, and a big striped hat with driving goggles on top his head. This was Dick Dastardly, the most vile and most notorious villain to ever walk on the face of the Earth (with the bad luck to go with it). And he did not come alone. Accompanying him was a shaggy anthropomorphic dog with an underbite wearing an aviator's cap and goggles named Muttley, who was prone to laughing wheezily at Dick's plans backfiring and mutter under his breath when things go south for him.

We now see them inside a room. Lined up in front of them were the Koopalings themselves. Their names were Ludwig "Kooky" von Koopa, Morton "Big Mouth" Koopa, Jr., Roy "Bully" Koopa, Wendy "Kootie Pie" O. Koopa, twins Lemmy "Hip" and Iggy "Hop" Koopa, Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa, and the youngest of them all, Bowser Jr. (affectionately nicknamed "Junior" by his friends). Dick paced back and forth as the Koopalings stood to attention, his gaze scrutinizing and calculating.

"Are you real villains?" Dick asked after a few minutes had passed.

The Koopalings huddled into a circle and whispered amongst themselves (something they started to do when discussing amongst themselves) before facing Dick and shaking their heads 'no.'

"Have you ever caught a real hero before?" Dick asked again.

Morton scratched his head and opened his mouth to speak, only for Dick to cut him off.

"Princess Peach doesn't count," the mustachioed villain explained, which made the burly Koopaling retract his answer. Like before, the Koopalings huddled into a whispered discussion before shaking their heads at Dick.

"Have you even tried wearing disguises?" Dick asked for one final time.

Roy was about to say something, but Dick added, "...besides dressing up like a cake?" At that, the brawny shade-wearing Koopaling closed his mouth. Again, the Koopalings huddled and whispered before they shook their heads.

Sighing, Dick rubbed his face in exasperation before regaining his composure.

"Very well, I can now see that I will have to teach you all how to be vile, rotten, and downright dastardly!" he proclaimed. He then turned to his canine sidekick.

"Muttley, cue the music!" Dick ordered.

Nodding enthusiastically, Muttley pulled out a saxophone from behind his back and began to play a few notes on it. Ludwig got an idea from listening to it and whispered something to his siblings, who immediately agreed with his idea.

Hey!

A few moments later, Ludwig was conducting wildly as the other Koopalings played different instruments. Roy was on drums, Lemmy was playing the cymbals, Morton was strumming a double-bass, Wendy shook a tambourine against her hips, Larry blew a trumpet, and Iggy simply hit a metal oil drum with his wand. Muttley continued playing his saxophone as the music intensified, all while Junior was dancing to the rhythm.

We are number one, hey!

We are number one

"Now, listen closely," Dick said, bringing the Koopalings' attentions towards him.

Here's a little lesson in trickery

This is going down in history

If you wanna be a villain number one

You have to chase a superhero on the run

What followed was a montage of them going around the Mushroom Kingdom causing (or at least trying to cause) chaos. Mostly, it was just Dick trying his hardest to teach the Koopalings how to be bad guys, which was easier said than done. Peeking out from behind a wall, the dastardly duo and the Koopalings spied on Mario and Luigi doing laps around Toad Town. They followed the Mario Brothers to a park with trees planted everywhere, providing perfect cover for the villains (and young villains-in-training) to hide from prying eyes.

Just follow my moves and sneak around

Be careful not to make a sound, shh

Roy accidentally stepped on a fallen tree branch and quickly picked it up to hide it, only for Dick to notice what he was doing.

"No! Don't touch that!" Dick Dastardly admonished him, which made Roy hide the branch behind his back sheepishly.

We are number one, hey!

We are number one

We are number one

For the first part of their exercise, the Koopalings were ordered by Dick to catch Mario and Luigi with a large butterfly net. However, Junior, who was holding the net, missed the two brothers when they jumped and instead caught Dick, leading to the ladder that Roy and Morton were holding to fall over and get Iggy and Lemmy's heads stuck in between the steps. After getting the net off of his head, Dick saw the calamity that had befallen to the Koopalings and only buried his face in the palm of his hand, shaking his head in disappointment. Muttley simply wheezily giggled at the mess the eight children of Bowser got themselves into.

Ha, ha, ha!

Now, look at this net that I just found

When I say: "Go", be ready to throw. Go!

In an alleyway, Dick showed the Koopalings a large fishnet which he planned to use on catching the Mario Brothers for their second exercise. Giving the net to Larry and Wendy, Dick held his hand up to signal them to wait for their quarry, which was the Mario Brothers. When he saw the two Italian plumbers run past them, Dick gave out the command to Larry and Wendy. The Koopalings did as he ordered... only to toss the net at Dick and Muttley. Irritated, the villain pulled the net off of him and turned to face them.

"Throw it at him, not me!" Dick shouted at them while Muttley wheezily snickered at the slight fumble. "Oh! Let's try something else."

Now watch and learn, here's the deal

He'll slip and slide on this banana peel, ha, ha, ha!

Dick plucked a few banana peels from a shoebox, dropping them on the sidewalk carelessly. His intended purpose for them was to have the Mario Brothers slip on the banana peels and fall down, hopefully getting knocked unconscious in the process. However, the Koopalings found it fun to slip on the peels and fall down on their backs laughing.

"What are you doing?!" Dick questioned them incredulously. Muttley sniggered at the event, which only prompted an annoyed Dick to hit him on the head. Rubbing his sore bump, Muttley grumbled under his breath.

"Sassarassafrassa DickDastardlyhitmeonthehead."

That muttering did not go unheard by his owner, who simply bopped his head again.

"I heard that!" Dick exclaimed.

Hey!

On the third exercise, Dick had the Koopalings build a complicated trap. Wendy and Junior were holding two ends of a rope as they sat on opposite sides behind two trees, while Ludwig was tying a large bucket to another piece of rope that Iggy was holding above a tree branch. The plan was to trip the Mario Brothers over and swing the bucket to hit their heads, knocking them out cold. Giving each other and Dick a thumbs up, they prepared to wait for the two brothers to come by. However, Junior became distracted by a pretty flower conveniently next to him. Knowing how Wendy loves flowers, he picked it up and briefly smelled it before gently tossing the flower over to her. Wendy picked up the flower and gave it a long, good smell before smiling appreciatively at her brother. She loved how sweet he could be when not trying to play favorites with Bowser. Iggy noticed what was happening and smiled in adoration. They were so caught up in the moment that they did not notice that Mario and Luigi were coming until Dick warned them.

Wendy and Junior hastily pulled at the ends of the rope to trip the Mario Brothers, but were a minute too late as said brothers unknowingly leapt right over it. Dick came out of his hiding spot (behind a bench under one of the trees) and prepared to give chase to the Mario Brothers, only to trip over the rope as Wendy and Junior were still pulling at the opposite ends and face-planted on the concrete sidewalk, much to Muttley's amusement. Iggy was snapped out of his daze when the bell that signaled the Mario Brothers tripping rang and immediately dropped the bucket tied to the rope down to Ludwig, who swung it towards a recovering Dick Dastardly. Sadly for the villain, the swinging bucket met his face (and nose) and managed to hit him hard enough to go flying through the air briefly before landing back-first on the pavement, dazed from the collision. At that sight, Muttley let out one of his trademark wheezing laughs at his master's misfortune.

Ba, ba-biddly-ba, ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, we are number one, hey!

Ba, ba-biddly-ba, ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

Villain number one!

Hey!

During their fourth exercise, Muttley dug up a pit in the middle of the road before ordering the Koopalings to cover it up with a tarp. Lemmy and Larry placed the tarp over the pit and smoothed it over to make it look inconspicuous before they rejoined their fellow Koopalings in waiting for the Mario Brothers to appear, sitting on a large bench in a row. Meanwhile, Dick and Muttley ducked behind a brick wall to hide from their targets. When Mario and Luigi leapt over a wall, the Koopalings briefly panicked and ran around in circles before Junior directed them to hide behind the large bench, so they did what their little brother asked them to do.

All eight Koopalings popped their heads from behind the bench and watched the Mario Brothers run closer to the covered pit trap. However, what they did not expect was the two plumber brothers to cartwheel and leap into a spin over the trap without noticing. Their jaws dropped in shock before Junior angrily shouted and pointed to the Mario Brothers' retreating forms to give chase... unfortunately due to his current state of emotion, he accidentally led his older brothers and sister right into the pit trap, causing them all to fall in the hole and get stuck. Dick and Muttley poked their heads out from behind the wall and could only stare in disbelief as the eight Koopalings wriggled to get themselves free from the tight and cramped pit hole. Dick smacked his face in sheer annoyance while Muttley wheezed his wheezy laugh at the Koopalings' current predicament.

Hey!

Ba, ba-biddly-ba, ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, we are number one, hey!

Ba, ba-biddly-ba, ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba

A few clips showed Dick Dastardly and Muttley loading up a cannonball into a cannon that was aimed directly towards the castle of Princess Peach, unaware that Princess Daisy and Captain Toad were spying on them from behind a house. Cut to a few scenes depicting an unconscious Mario inside a cage, with the Koopalings watching guard over him, looking bored out of their minds. Just then, a regular mushroom from Princess Peach landed near the cage through a Warp Pipe and instantly rejuvenated Mario when he came into contact with it. We then see Dick and Muttley looking on in disbelief as Mario and the Koopalings were playing a game of catch, and the Koopalings seemed to be enjoying it. Out of frustration, Dick throws his hat at the cannon, inadvertently triggering it to fire the cannonball at them instead of the castle and causing it to send him and Muttley flying across the air, screaming all the way.

We are number one!

We are number one!

We are number one!

Hey, hey!


Just to let everyone know, this idea came to me when I thought "what if Dick Dastardly sang We Are Number One, but to the Koopalings?" So this little one-shot came about. I hope you all enjoy it!

Dick Dastardly and Muttley belong to Hanna-Barbera.

Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Bowser Jr., the Koopalings, Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, Captain Toad, and the Mushroom Kingdom belong to Nintendo.

We Are Number One sung by Stefán Karl Stefánsson belongs to LazyTown, Máni Svavarsson, and Magnús Scheving.