2More TVF in 2020? I wasn't kidding when I told y'all I was the fifth horseman of the apocalypse.
This is just a little TVF as a treat for my friends Lukas and Mace to read on the plane as they fly off to begin a grand new adventure! Congratulations you guys I love you! Safe travels! Backstory: Mace has been a TVF fan since the age of 11, waayyy back when it was in its "prime" and we connected on Tumblr this past year when I returned to the Shandom after years of hiatus. Also there's just something about writing TVF stories where they travel because of all the opportunities for shit to go wrong.
There's absolutely NO plot here, but when has TVF ever had a plot? If you're new to the TVF universe uhh just go with the flow I guess. You can read the old ones if you want but they're full of early 2010's cringe. One of these days they'll be getting 'renovated' but if you feel like reading them just be aware that I'm aware there are things that need to be fixed.
Anyway, Mace and Lukas I hope this gives you a little chuckle to start your adventure with a smile! If these wackjobs could do it for you as a kid, maybe they can do it again now. ENJOY!
VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN:
They say there's only one thing in the world that can survive an apocalypse, and that's the cockroach.
But the truth is there's actually two things: the mighty cockroach, and Darren Shan's relentless optimism.
Because I don't know about you, but I've personally lost count of how many times Darren has attempted grand travel plans with his vampiric family - only to have it blow up in his face, sometimes literally. They just aren't good at it. They're loud. They're disorganized. They're reckless. They're an overall public health hazard, really.
Let's take inventory here.
Darren tries, but nobody really listens to him.
Larten is a total Karen. He's persnickety. He always wants to speak to the manager.
Seba likes to yell about how technology is corrupting the world. As he fast-forwards through commercial breaks watching the History Channel on their 4K TV.
Paris... okay, Paris doesn't usually cause trouble. But he doesn't HELP either. He sort of just runs commentary. And recently he's been on a kick of sharing really stupid boomer Facebook memes so he's losing points for that.
Mika is an incorrigible shit-disturber. Smart enough to know better. Doesn't care. Goads Arrow and occasionally Harkat into doing stupid shit. Often seen pestering Kurda just to get a reaction.
Arrow is reckless and impulsive. Big heart and means well, but if he sees an escalator he's physically incapable of NOT running the wrong direction on it. Especially if Mika bets him he can't make it all the way the top.
Kurda is high-maintenance. His soul is pure but his proclivity for shiny objects and self-care have been the downfall of the group dozens of times.
Harkat... nope. Nothing bad to say about Harkat. Harkat is perfect.
But Darren swore the last trip would be the last trip. Gosh, it was almost a decade ago now. Let's go camping, he said. It'll be wholesome, he said. One thing led to another and they ended up in jail. So Darren told them all he was done. Trips were a privilege, not a right.
But here he was, dusting off 8 fake passports and dragging the suitcases out of storages once more in late summer of 2020.
But let's go back to the beginning. Not literally the beginning, we already know about the time Darren installed the computer in Vampire Mountain 12 years ago (and look how THAT turned out). Yikes.
It was last week, a Wednesday night in Vampire Mountain. Paris was on the couch with his iPad, roaring in laugher at minion memes while Darren hollowly pretended to chuckle. Then a FaceTime call came through.
"...VANCHA?!" Paris yelped in shock as he saw the green-haired Prince's face appear on the screen.
"This is what it takes to get a hold of you these days?" Said Vancha irritably. "I had to buy an iPhone just for this. Do you know how much an iPhone costs?"
"I could have given you one!" Said Paris, frowning. "I just got my yearly upgrade! And the camera is beautiful, might I add. What iOS are you running?"
"I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear you say that." Vancha grumbled with disgust. "I've heard rumours that the mountain has been... modernized in recent years but I didn't realize just how domesticated you've all become. Where do you even get the money?"
"I just keep applying for credit cards online." Paris shrugged. "It's not difficult."
THAT made Darren a little uncomfortable. He walked over to Paris.
"Hey, Vancha!"
"Hey kid. You've grown! Listen, I don't have much time. I'm calling a Prince meeting. Where are the other two?"
Come to think of it, it had been a little quiet that afternoon. Where were Mika and Arrow?
"I think they're playing Animal Crossing." Said Paris.
"So they're outside... hunting for food?" Asked Vancha hopefully.
"Oh, no. It's a Nintendo Switch game. A Covid-19 essential." Paris clarified. Vancha facepalmed.
"I don't even want to know what that means. Can you go get them?" He asked.
"Certainly." Said Paris. "I'll find them right now."
"Maybe my screen is frozen but it looks like you're still sitting on the couch." Said Vancha skeptically.
"Well, I'm not walking all the way to the other room just to get their attention. I'm adding them to the FaceTime call. Do try to keep up." Paris corrected him impatiently. "I'm sure they'll have their phones on them."
Vancha cringed. Within seconds, Mika and Arrow had joined them on the screen. They had Harkat with them too, and Kurda eagerly appeared over their shoulders as soon as realized there was a social call happening without him. Meanwhile, Larten and Seba had joined Darren and Paris upon hearing Vancha's voice for the first time in years.
"Vancha! When are you coming to visit us?" Arrow demanded. "And are you bringing mushrooms?"
"I can't visit until one of you idiots leaves." Vancha rolled his eyes. "You know... one Prince always has to be outside the mountain? Just like one always has to be in the Hall of Princes... remember? Oldest rules in the book?"
Mika, Arrow, Paris, and Darren exchanged a look.
"Yep... that's a rule, alright." Said Mika uncomfortably.
"A rule we follow!" Arrow added helpfully.
"So who's in there right now?" Asked Vancha suspiciously, looking back and forth between the two FaceTime calls.
"Darren and I." Said Paris.
"You fool. This is the living room! And you all say I am senile!" Seba argued. Larten quickly covered his mouth but Vancha looked even more suspicious.
"I don't remember the wall in the Hall of Princes being that colour." Said Vancha.
"I painted it. The whole room. I like to paint now." Said Darren quickly. Vancha raised an eyebrow.
"You said you didn't have much time? What's going on?" Paris asked, changing the subject.
"Vancha, don't take this the wrong way but I'm legitimately curious about what hair products you've been using." Kurda interrupted. "Please tell me it's not Monat." Then he turned to Mika and added in a very loud whisper: "Don't tell Vancha I said this but I think he's been using Monat. His hair looks even worse than usual. Ask him if he's in a pyramid scheme."
"I can't give you much detail." Said Vancha in a low voice, glaring at Kurda. "They might be watching me, listening. But I need your help."
"What kind of help? Who's listening?!"
Vancha looked away from the screen and they could see he was holding a pencil and writing on something. Then he held up a piece of paper in front of the screen. The others squinted at it for several minutes.
"Why do we have to throw the American government? Where are throwing them to?" Kurda asked loudly.
"It says he needs help OVERthrowing the American government." Mika clarified. "Also, wow Vancha. That's some next level espionage shit."
"Shut up, you idiots!" Vancha grumbled. "Great, now I have to destroy this phone. It's a fucking mess out here! All that technology and none of you are watch the news? Time to get involved before the whole country is destroyed. Their leaders are incompetent. I've been doing the work of five Princes out here while you sip lattes and hunt fake animals on your Switcher."
"You don't hunt the animals in Animal Crossing!" Arrow explained as though Vancha was the idiot here.
"You make trade deals with them." Mika added. "Also the latte machine has been broken for like a week, so we're basically living in squalor."
"Vancha, it will not matter if you destroy the phone. It will save your FaceTime calls to the Cloud." Said Paris helpfully. Vancha facepalmed harder than ever.
"Charna's Fucking Guts, you three are a train wreck. How quickly can you get on a plane and meet up with me?" Asked Vancha impatiently.
"Four train wrecks. Remember Darren is a Prince too." Larten corrected.
Seven pairs of eyes looked at Darren expectantly. He sighed resignedly.
"I don't know where my passport is." Said Arrow. "I might have left it on that island when we were in the plane crash like 10 years ago."
"I have your passport." Darren grumbled.
"Do you have mine?" Asked Kurda. "It's he one in the Louis Vuitton holder."
"I have all of your passports!" Said Darren, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Remember how I never let you touch them?"
"I need a new one. Mine says Mike." Said Mika. "I'm not going on the plane until it's fixed. That's not who I am. You said you'd get it fixed last time we went somewhere and you didn't."
"You don't even have a birth certificate, MIKE! You're lucky to have a passport!" Darren protested. "Do you know what I had to do to get those?"
"You sold feet pics, didn't you?" Kurda replied knowingly.
"What are feet pics?" Larten asked curiously.
"Literally just pictures of your feet." Kurda explained. "Easiest job in the world. If you have pretty feet."
"I'd argue the ugly ones would sell for more." Said Mika matter-of-factly. "I'm not into feet, but I do understand the economy. Niche markets tend to be less saturated and therefore face less price competition."
"You have played Animal Crossing for two weeks. That is not the same thing as understanding the economy." Said Larten primly.
"Well, do YOU understand the economy?" Mika shot back defensively.
"Of course!" Larten argued. "It has inflation, and currency, and taxes. Sometimes mortgages. You get them at the stock market."
"I think you're making those words up." Said Arrow politely. Mika high-fived him.
"At least I have HAIR!" Larten snapped back.
"I guess you could call it that." Kurda contributed with a critical glance at Larten's head. "Wait, Larten... have you been using Monat too? Because you shouldn't. Didn't you listen when I gave my PowerPoint last month. Are you in a pyramid scheme too?"
"FORGET IT! I'LL OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT BY MYSELF!" Vancha roared at the screen before disconnecting the call.
"I forgot he was there. That silly man." Said Paris with a chuckle.
"Well, he's gone now." Darren sighed. "Text him back, Paris. Ask him what airport we need to fly into... then go pack your bags, all of you. I guess we're overthrowing the government. As if I needed another thing to do this week... and for the love of the gods, don't forget your masks!"
AIRPORT:
Darren felt a grim sense of foreboding as he pulled up to the airport and parked the Escalade (yes, of course they still have the Escalade) in the lot. The fact that his crew was loudly chanting, "AIRPORT! AIRPORT! AIRPORT!" wasn't helping. They just really loved airports, it was like a giant indoor amusement park full of everything they could possibly want. Mika and Arrow had always been partial to the thrill rides: escalators, moving sidewalks, and golf carts. Kurda liked the plentiful luxury shopping kiosks. Paris enjoyed the ample opportunities to chat with fascinating strangers from all corners of the globe. Larten acted like he didn't want to be there but Darren knew he loved people-watching. Harkat is happy anywhere, but he's partial to those fancy massage chairs you can rent for 5 minutes at a time. And Seba is content as long as he can yell loudly about how un-content he is.
Darren asked them to please stop yelling "Airport". He regretted this, because almost all of them immediately switched to WAP, the only exceptions being Seba and Larten.
"Masks on!" He reminded them as they approached the revolving glass doors. They were still chanting so they didn't seem to hear him.
"MASKS...ON!" Harkat bellowed. Darren sighed. Harkat was the unofficial mask police and he was very good at it. He was so used to wearing a mask himself, he couldn't fathom why it was so difficult for others to grasp.
"I actually just put my lip treatment on, so feel free to exclude me from that narrative." Said Kurda lightly.
"You... have to!" Said Harkat, horrified.
"Harkat, you are being so extra right now and I need you to dial it back. I'll put it on when my lips dry. In about 20 minutes." Kurda replied emphatically.
"I am not... extra!" Harkat gasped. "I am... exactly the right amount!"
"We can't go into the building unless we're all wearing our masks." Darren groaned. "And we are NOT splitting up. Because last time that happened you got on the plane without me and it crashed."
So all 8 of them stood outside and waited for 20 minutes. During that time, Mika and Arrow bribed a limo driver to give them a ride around the block, and a little extra for him to blast Ridin' Dirty and let them stick their heads and arms out the sunroof. Darren furiously tried to chase them but he was was struck by a taxi and launched 15 feet into the air. But the driver really didn't want to be sued, so he offered Darren 500 cash to carry on his way. Which Larten immediately accepted on Darren's behalf. Darren wasn't entirely sure about that, but Larten had waved the driver on his way and pocketed the cash before Darren could protest.
Finally, Kurda was confident his overpriced lip chap had dried entirely, he slipped his (Gucci) mask on, and they strolled into the airport.
"AIRPORT!" Arrow bellowed happily, immediately spying a stray luggage trolley and leaping onto it. He proceeded to use it as something of a skateboard, whizzing around the lobby in circles. Needless to say he was promptly joined by Mika but the fun didn't even last long enough for Darren to scold them.
"Sir, excuse me Sir! That one hasn't been sanitized yet!" Gasped an employee, hurrying over with a spray bottle and a roll of paper towels. "I need to wipe it down before you can use it!"
The young man approached with such determination, the vampires simply retreated without a fight and allowed him to compete his sanitization routine.
"Thank you! Enjoy your flight!" Said the boy before scampering away to the next trolley.
"That was weird..." said Arrow slowly.
"He didn't even tell us we were creating a safety hazard." Said Mika with confusion. "He just... cleaned it. And left. I don't understand."
"Do you wanna ride it again?" Arrow asked.
"It's only fun if it's illegal." Mika grumbled.
"That guy looked like he'd seen some shit." Arrow commented.
"You'd look... like that too... if you worked an essential... service during a... pandemic." Said Harkat wisely.
"Vampire Princes are essential!" Arrow protested loudly.
"What was your schedule yesterday, Arrow?" Asked Larten primly.
"Well, in the morning I had breakfast. Then a nap. Then my nerf guns arrived from Amazon Prime so I chased Kurda with them for 3 hours. Then I helped Harkat make a pizza. Well, Harkat made the dough. I put the toppings on it..."
"If dumping an... entire bag of... bacon bits on top... counts as picking... the toppings." Harkat mumbled.
"Then I watched Tiger King with Mika for the 8th time. Then I played Animal Crossing and fell asleep on the couch." Arrow concluded.
"How essential of you." Larten remarked. Arrow shrugged.
Next stop was the luggage counter.
"We wouldn't have to do this if you'd all just pack carry-ons!" Darren whined as he hefted the 8th and final suitcase onto the conveyor. It was the rose gold one - Kurda's - and it turned out to be over the weight limit.
"Okay, what are we throwing away?" Said Mika briskly. "Hair dryer, fluffy bathrobe, or 12 jars of face cream?"
"WE'RE NOT THROWING ANYTHING AWAY!" Kurda yelped in horror as Darren wearily opened his suitcase and began to look through.
"I believe the face cream is responsible for the majority of the excess weight." Said Larten wisely.
"No, it must be the bathrobe. Look at that thing. Have you ever seen more luxurious terry-cloth?" Paris disagreed.
"I'll save you some time. It's both." Grunted the counter employee.
"Bet I can land all of these in that garbage can over there." Said Arrow, picking up a jar of cream.
"PUT THAT DOWN, YOU DIRTY HEATHEN!" Kurda snapped, practically dislocating Arrow's arm as he yanked the cream back. Mika snorted in laughter. Kurda stuffed all 12 jars in his enormous Louis Vuitton tote bag while shooting a deadly glare at Arrow. Meanwhile the counter worker shook her head in the exasperation. Now there was just the matter of the bathrobe.
"Alright, Kurda. Either you wear it on the plane or we leave it behind." Said Darren firmly. Kurda immediately donned the robe with great decisiveness.
"I do not understand the weight restrictions." Said Larten. "We are going on the same aircraft as our belongings, are we not? Will it not weigh the same on our person as it would in our luggage?" He then turned to the counter worker. "Is there perhaps a manager on duty I could speak to about this?"
"No, Mr. Crepsley..." Darren groaned. "You promised you wouldn't ask for the manager on this trip."
"Well, that was before I knew I would have to walk around in public with him looking like THAT." Larten huffed, gesturing at Kurda who was now wearing the robe, as well as the gel sleep mask he'd found in its pocket, while his tote bag overflowed with expensive skin cream.
As it turned out, TSA was even less amused by this than Larten was.
"Sir... this is against airline safety regulations. You can't fly with all this." Said the weary security guard as everyone sent their carry-on bags through the x-ray machine one by one. Except Kurda, they took one look at his bag and didn't even bother.
"Oh, no. It's okay!" Said Kurda serenely. "It's not drugs. It's just my skincare routine."
"Thank you for clarifying that you aren't smuggling drugs, but you still can't fly with opened skincare products." Said the guard. "Please dispose of them in this bin, then you can send your bag through the scanner."
Kurda began to tremble in rage and Darren knew they were mere seconds from ending up on a no-fly list. Kurda was about to flip his entire lid.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit..." he muttered to himself. But then, a miracle occurred.
"Kurda, can I borrow some of that?" Mika asked abruptly, swiping a jar of something from Kurda's bag. He opened it and scooped out a large glob of cream which he began to rub onto his hands and arms.
"Mika, don't be ratchet." Kurda groaned. "That's for your face!"
"Would you rather throw it in the garbage?" Mika replied seriously, taking another glob. Kurda pouted but didn't argue.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Darren yelled, taking Mika's cue. "Everyone, get your skin care routine on!"
He began handing out jars and tubes at random.
"When I was your age, our skin care routine was freezing rain and a handful of fresh gravel if we wanted to exfoliate." Seba growled. "I have never seen such an abomination in all my life!"
"Oh, I think you have. Remember when we downloaded TikTok for a day?" Paris countered casually as he smoothed a handful of cream into his beard, causing Kurda to cringe. "Oh dear, nobody eat this one. It's very spicy." The old Prince added as he accidentally got some in his mouth.
"Preferably don't eat any of them." Darren groaned as he slathered some light green stuff across his face.
"Too late. I can't usually... taste things. But I tasted... that." Harkat grumbled, spitting something into the garbage bin. The TSA agent recoiled in disgust.
"Darren, that's for underneath your eyes!" Kurda whimpered.
"Can I try the purple one?" Arrow demanded. "This one smells like flowers. I hate it." He swapped his tube with Harkat and began to rub it all over his bald head, deaf to Kurda's scolding.
Ten minutes later, the frazzled TSA agent dumped a tray of empty skincare containers into the trash, and waved the group through. And that was that on that.
"Good work, team." Darren sighed wearily. "All there's left to do now is wait for the plane. We have an hour and a half. You can get some snacks but make sure you stick with your assigned buddy!"
"Wait... assigned buddy?" Said Mika skeptically.
"Yes. New rule." Said Darren impatiently.
"I don't follow your rules." Mika grumbled.
"You do if you want your passport changed... Mike." Darren retorted. Mika looked highly offended.
"What was wrong with our old buddy system?" Arrow whined.
"Specifically? You and Mika were what was wrong with our old buddy system." Said Darren. "It was the same disaster every time! I give you an inch of freedom, you team up and leave a trail of disaster everywhere you go. No more. I'm breaking the cycle of chaos. Mika, your assigned buddy is Mr. Crepsley. Arrow is with -"
"Harkat!" Said Arrow hopefully.
"No."
"Paris?"
"No!"
"Kurda?"
"No..."
"Ah, Seba then?"
"You're with me, Arrow. I'm sorry to break it to you." Said Darren resignedly as Arrow glared. Larten and Mika looked reproachful too. "The other buddy pairs are Seba and Harkat, and Paris and Kurda. Any questions?"
Arrow immediately raised his hand.
"I will not be taking any requests for changing buddies at this time." Said Darren flatly.
Arrow lowered his hand and frowned.
The new buddy system wasn't so bad, all things considered. Except for Arrow who glumly sat beside Darren as he stood on the waiting chairs with binoculars, keeping an eye on everyone.
"Things are going well." Darren declared with relief. "Harkat and Seba are watching planes land... Kurda is helping Paris pick out a fun hat from the gift shop... Mika and Mr. Crepsley are having breakfast beers at the bar. Like, actually sitting down and not causing shenanigans. I can't believe it! Everyone's being civil! I officially like this buddy system."
"I don't. Bye, Darren." Said Arrow abruptly. Then he got up and marched away while hollering at the top of his lungs, "HEY, MIKA! ORDER ANOTHER ROUND! FUCK THE BUDDY SYSTEM!"
Over at the airport bar, Mika grinned and raised his mug to greet Arrow. Arrow shoved Larten off the barstool so he could sit beside Mika, even though the seat on his other side was empty.
"You oaf!" Larten grumbled.
"Mika, you're doing brunch without me? Do they have mimosas? I'll take an venti mimosa!" Came Kurda's exuberant voice from the gift shop. At least he was still following the buddy system, he hauled Paris along with him who hadn't yet paid for his hat but didn't seem to care as soon as he realized brunch was happening.
"Did someone say... brunch?!" Harkat piped up. "We love... brunch. Don't we... Seba?"
"If there are no waffles I shall burn this place to the ground." Seba announced MUCH too loudly. A nearby security guard muttered something into his walkie-talkie.
So began brunch. It was a grand affair. Darren would've enjoyed it if he wasn't so worried about missing the flight. No one else seemed worried in the slightest. Kurda kept ordering mimosas and soon he was having a tearful conversation with the waitress. Darren was trying to tune him out, but he kept overhearing things like, "Maxine, you are a stone-cold FOX! Chad doesn't know what he's missing!" And "I wish you'd just put yourself out there more! You have SO much to offer!" And finally, "Just give me your phone. I'm calling Chad and telling him what a fuckboy he is."
"Okay, you're cut off before you ruin brunch." Said Mika grimly, plucking the mimosa glass from Kurda's hand and quickly downing it himself.
"Brunch was already ruined when they named it brunch. Preposterous abuse of the English language." Seba huffed.
"Eat your... waffle." Said Harkat gently, holding up a forkful to Seba's mouth. Which he nibbled begrudgingly.
Once Kurda had stopped crying about his new friend's unfortunate dating life, Darren quickly asked for the cheque and ushered everyone out. They were making good time, they'd make it to their gate with 20 minutes to spare. Everyone was being mostly cooperative now that their bellies were full of breakfast food and alcohol. Darren triple-counted to make sure he had the boarding passes and the passports. He'd picked up a pen from the convenience store to change Mika's name. It was absolutely not legal, but the passport itself wasn't legal to begin with and Darren would do anything to keep the peace where Mika and aircraft were concerned. He couldn't afford any tantrums from any of them.
Things were going smoothly, really.
Until the bird.
It was a sparrow. One simple sparrow that had no business being in the airport, and it just about derailed everything.
They were waiting at the gate, Harkat was staring excitedly out the window watching the planes, when all of a sudden the bird perched on the railing in front of him.
"Hello!" Said Harkat happily. "Wait a minute... you are on the... wrong side of the... glass! Darren! The bird is on... the wrong side... of the glass! He is not supposed... to be in here! Darren!"
"He must've slipped in through the outer door." Said Darren, looking up from his magazine. All these years later, he's still reading Today's Parent in hopes to learn a thing or two about dealing with difficult people. "I'm sure he'll be okay, Harkat."
Darren went back to his magazine but it didn't last. He felt like he was being watched, and sure enough when he looked back up there was Harkat, staring daggers at him. Darren sighed.
"Or we can rescue the bird."
"There's a bird?!" Said Arrow loudly, jumping over the seats to check things out.
"Where's the bird?" Mika added, close behind.
"What kind of bird? I have an app for this! Perhaps it is rare!" Said Paris excitedly.
"Why is there a bird?" Kurda slurred, still very much feeling the effects of his many mimosas. "Is it Christmas already? Oh gods, is Seba gonna make us kill it and eat it?"
"Nobody touch the bird." Larten advised. "I will find the manager."
"When I was your age we did not go running around demanding to speak to the manager every time something caused an inconvenience!" Seba bellowed, grabbing Larten by the collar.
"Thanks, Seba." Darren sighed in relief. "That was actually really helpf-"
"When I was your age, if we had a problem we simply fought!" Seba added. "Where is this bird?"
"Oh, fuck." Darren groaned.
"NO... ONE... IS... FIGHTING... THE... BIRD!" Harkat wailed, standing protectively in front of it.
"I see a exit down that hallway." Said Darren slowly. "If we all gently steer the bird that way, we can corner it down there and open the door so he can get out. We only have twenty minutes til we board, so let's do this quickly and quietly."
"Let's name him Larry. He looks like a Larry." Kurda declared loudly, squinting at it.
Evidently the bird didn't like that, because it promptly flew away.
"YOU IDIOT!" Harkat shrieked, whacking Kurda with his carry-on bag and tearing off after the bird.
"Ow! He hit me! Darren, he hit me!"
"We're never going to board on time!" Darren moaned as he took off after Harkat. "The rest of you, stay here! Do NOT leave that luggage unattended! I'll be back in a minute!"
Harkat quickly realized Darren cared less about saving the bird and more about getting on the plane, so he hopped into the nearest unattended golf cart and sped away.
"Come on, Harkat!" Darren panted, hurrying along behind him. "Just come back to the gate, I'm sure the bird will find his way out!"
"Shut up... Darren!" Harkat yelled, turning around and glaring as Darren struggled to keep up. "You never... think of anyone... but yourself!"
"I GOT FAKE PASSPORTS FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU UNGRATEFUL BARBARIANS!" Darren spat furiously. The audacity of it all gave him just enough of an energy boost to catch up with Harkat and leap onto the back of the golf cart. Harkat was still zipping along determinedly, not taking his eyes off the bird who was flying further and further from the gate. Harkat picked up speed and Darren was hanging on for dear life.
"Not the stairs, Harkat!" Darren wailed.
"Would you rather... the escalator?" Said Harkat fiercely.
"I'd rather be at home!"
"Hang on... tight!"
Harkat and Darren launched off the top stair and landed unceremoniously on the lower level several terrifying seconds later. The cart almost bottomed out but Darren supposed it must've been tougher than it looked. Sort of like Harkat.
Meanwhile, back at the gate...
"We probably shouldn't go after them, right?" Said Arrow as he made a beeline for the the nearest unattended golf cart.
"We should definitely stay at the gate and guard the luggage." Mika agreed, hopping in the passenger seat as Arrow got behind the wheel.
"Maybe we have time for a quick cruise down the hall, just to make sure Harkat is okay." Said Arrow very seriously.
Paris rolled his eyes at both of them.
"You are not fooling anyone. I know you're chasing the bird." Said the ancient Prince impatiently.
"Look, if there was a chance in hell that Harkat and Darren could catch that bird and make it back in time to board the plane, we'd be perfectly happy to stay here and mind our own business." Said Mika casually as Arrow began to drive away.
"But Darren is an idiot and we all know the bird is going to get away and we'll miss our flight because Darren has our passports with him. America will be doomed, and Darren will find a way to blame us." Arrow added, as they picked up speed.
"Wait for me!" Larten huffed, jogging after them. "If Darren is about to embarrass himself I would like very much to be present."
"Are you going past the gift shop?" Kurda added, scampering along behind Larten.
Arrow braked reluctantly, only long enough for Larten and Kurda to crawl aboard before pushing the pedal to the floor and taking off.
"I suppose we'll just stay here then, won't we Seba?" Said Paris resignedly. "Oh, no. Don't stick your fingers between the chair slots! Remember what happened last time? It was stuck to you for weeks. You went gallivanting around that deserted island dragging an entire airport chair with you. You looked ridiculous."
"You laughed, but while the rest of you were sitting in the mud like barbarians, I had a proper chair." Seba grumbled.
"I thought when you were their age, chairs were only for the bourgeoise and real men sat in the mud." Paris reasoned. "Also, I didn't laugh. It was a terrible experience from start to finish. Someone even wrote a book about it - it's called Lord Of The Flies. I have it on Audible if you'd like to listen to it on the plane."
"Audible? More like audibomination. Bah!"
"Have it your way then." Paris sighed. "I wonder how Darren's wild bird chase is going."
Meanwhile, Harkat and Darren were already halfway across the terminal and Larry was still in no mood to be caught.
"Please, Harkat! Just go back to the gate! We can't miss this flight!" Darren begged. "We have to help Vancha save America!"
"How can we... save America... if we can't even save... one bird?!" Harkat exclaimed, sounding agitated.
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out! We always do!" Said Darren urgently as Harkat dodged his way through the crowd as though in Fast and Furious movie. "What's your plan anyway? How are you going to catch the bird? You're only four feet tall, Harkat! Did you even think this through?!"
Darren knew he'd gone too far when Harkat took his foot off the pedal and the cart slowed down. The Little Person's eyes were so dejected that Darren couldn't bring himself to be relived at the fact that the thrill ride was over and they might make it onto the plane after all. Then Harkat started crying and that made Darren feel like the world's biggest asshole.
But then occurred the most glorious miracle. It went speeding past them in the form of a second commandeered golf cart. At the wheel was Arrow, but in this moment he looked more like Vin Diesel. On the seat beside him were Mika and Larten, both standing upright. And on their shoulders stood Kurda. He was holding a gift shop bag out like a net, with his sights locked on the bird.
Harkat turned to give Darren a luminous smile.
"I don't need... a plan. I have... friends." He grinned before taking off after them once again.
"You got lucky, Mulds." Darren sighed. "Let's go get that bird."
The grand chase concluded when they reached a dead end. Arrow wheeled the cart around into a spectacular sideways sliding stop. Kurda launched himself from Mika and Larten's shoulders into the air at the bird (because bottomless mimosas equate to bottomless courage, obviously), and after a terrifying moment in which he seemed to float through the air, he triumphantly scooped the feathered friend up into the bag. For a moment it looked like he was going to go crashing back down onto the unforgiving marble floor and kill the bird and break his own neck in the process, but Mika leaped from the cart and caught him just in time. Both Kurda and Larry were unharmed.
Once they found the exit, Kurda carefully passed the bag to Harkat so he could do the honours.
"Bye, Larry!" Said Harkat as he set the sparrow free and watched it soar off into the sky. Then the gang made the triumphant (despite many, many dirty looks from security) return back down the long hallway til they reached their own gate. And then finally it was time to board.
ON THE PLANE:
"Do you suppose we will succeed in assisting Vancha with the mission he has proposed?" Larten wondered aloud as he stuffed his bag into the overhead compartment and sat down.
"Honestly, I don't know." Said Mika with a frown. He was reading a newspaper he'd picked up during the chase. "America is fucked. We might be too late."
"We have to try." Said Darren determinedly.
"Just pretend... America is a bird." Said Harkat wisely. "We saved Larry... we can save America too."
Darren and Larten exchanged a glance.
"...Sure."
But they didn't have time to worry about America any more at that moment, because then the plane began to move and Seba decided he wanted off.
"Please don't tase my grandfather!" Darren begged as flight attendants began to gather. "He'll be fine once we take off!"
"I WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOT!" Seba protested, scrabbling at the window. "I will not die inside this abominable tin can! Let me go with honour!"
"Seba, there's waffles on the in-flight snack menu!" Said Kurda, brandishing the laminated sheet.
Mika looked at Arrow.
"Second brunch?" Said Mika.
"Second brunch." Said Arrow.
Mika smiled charmingly up at the flight attendant.
"8 mimosas, please. Keep them coming til we get to the other side."
"The other side of what?" She asked curiously. Mika frowned.
"I don't know, the ocean I guess? When the plane stops, the mimosas can stop."
"The mimosas don't stop!" Kurda disagreed. "They're bottomless!"
"So that means you're staying on this plane forever?" Arrow asked hopefully. Mika snorted. Kurda huffed in annoyance and pulled his sleep mask down over his eyes and his Gucci mask up over his mouth.
Once they were airborne, Darren took a few deep breaths and tried to banish his multitude of worries, at least for a couple of hours. He figured he'd better do a head count (although if someone was missing, it was a little late now).
There was Larten, Seba, and Paris in a row. Paris was in the middle and was reading a news magazine to Larten and Seba who were listening with rapt attention. It seemed like they were refreshing themselves on the current political climate they were about to walk into.
Across the aisle were Arrow, Mika, and Kurda. Mika was in the middle seat and was watching a movie with Arrow. It must've been a really good movie because he didn't seem to notice that Kurda had finally succumbed to the multitude of mimosas and had passed out with his head on Mika's shoulder and was snoring like a grizzly bear. Add the fact Kurda was still swaddled in his bath robe and wearing his sleep mask, he looked quite comfortable.
And beside Darren, there was Harkat. Dear, sweet Harkat. Friend to all. Saviour of birds. And Darren's right-hand Person. Darren didn't know what kind of mission Vancha was about to drag them along to, and he wasn't sure he he wanted to know.
But maybe, just maybe... if they actually could pretend America was a lost, frightened bird trapped in an airport... maybe they had a chance.
ONE WEEK LATER - HOMEWARD BOUND:
"That wasn't so hard, honestly." Said Arrow, buckling himself into his airplane seat and digging for the snack menu. "Vancha could've handled that alone."
"It was fun, though. Even I'll admit it." Said Darren, popping up from the seat behind Arrow.
"I think America will be much nicer for everyone now. Think Vancha will like living in the White House?" Said Paris contentedly.
"I think he will manage." Larten snickered. "I suspect he will paint it, though. But who is going to stop him?"
"We only almost died... five or six times... That's not... bad for us." Said Harkat proudly.
"You were great, Harkat! The way you saved the entire postal system single-handedly." Said Darren happily.
"I like... getting mail. Everyone deserves to... get mail." Said Harkat with a shrug.
"Did you see when I drove the Mercedes through that rally? All those rednecks were like, "ahhhhhh!" Kurda grinned as he put on his fuzzy pink travel neck pillow.
"That was pretty impressive. I'm proud." Said Mika with a tired laugh. Then he leaned over and gave Kurda a little kiss on the cheek.
There were several long moments of stunned silence. Darren, who'd been leaving over the seat fell backwards with a yelp. Larten was halfway through stashing his carry-on in the overhead compartment but he dropped it in shock. It landed on Seba who started hollering in outrage, oblivious to the unexpected kiss. Harkat began to smile in disbelief. Paris just stood rooted to the spot in awe, blocking the aisle and ignoring the flight attendant who kept asking him to take a seat. Arrow's jaw dropped so far it was practically resting on his in-flight tray.
"What happened? What are you looking at?" Asked Mika unconcernedly.
"Do I have a bug in my hair?" Kurda yelped. "I have a bug in my hair, don't I?"
"Mika kissed Kurda..." Darren choked out as he resurfaced from the plane floor. "My brain is broken... Does not compute..."
"I think he is having a stroke!" Said Larten in alarm.
"Is there a doctor on this plane?!" Arrow yelled in panic, ripping the oxygen mask from the roof of the plan and roughly pushing it at Mika's face.
"Arrow, what the fuck? Put that away. Everyone shut up. I'm fine. Kurda is fine. Everything is fine." Mika snorted impatiently, swatting the mask away.
"But you kissed him... on his face... voluntarily." Darren gasped weakly.
Mika looked at the stunned boy as though he had three heads.
"Yeah? We've been dating for like three years?" Mika clarified slowly and patronizingly, as if explaining 11 to a kindergartener
"Two years and nine months." Kurda corrected him with a grin, wrapping his arm around Mika's shoulder contentedly.
"Right, sorry." Said Mika, then he looked back at the others. "Wait... did none of know that?"
"NO!" Bellowed everyone else.
Kurda looked extremely offended now.
"Do NONE of you follow me on Tiktok?" He grumbled, crossing his arms and glaring around at them.
"I think you know the answer to that." Said Paris kindly.
"To be fair, I don't even have TikTok." Mika shrugged. "Want a mimosa?"
SEVERAL HOURS LATER, SOMEWHERE ON TIKTOK:
KeepingUpWithKurda posted a new video!
Title: Rating My Family On An 8 Hour Flight ~ #2020 #coronacation #livelaughlove #fyp #keepingupwithkurda
Music: that one with Hannah Montana vocalizing for 60 seconds straight
Video clip of Darren being buried in an avalanche of bags as he opened the storage compartment and having to be rescued by Harkat.* Caption: Darren. 3/10. Does too much. Wouldn't let me buy in-flight wifi. Cries easily.
Video clip of Larten quarrelling with a flight attendant.* Caption: Larten. -5/10. #KarenAlert. Asked to speak to the pilot because his coffee wasn't double-cupped.
Video clip of Seba launching himself at the emergency door handle and almost grabbed it before an air marshall tackled him to the floor.* Caption: Seba. -169127/10 almost killed us all. He's on a no-fly list now.
Video of Paris holding up his iPad showing minion memes to a small child in an effort to make it stop crying.* Caption: Paris. 8.5/10 didn't cause any trouble, keeps the peace. Finally found someone that thinks his boomer memes are funny.
Video of the plane bathroom door.* Caption: Harkat. 6/10 usually love travelling with him but he got stuck in the bathroom AGAIN smh he does this every time we're on a plane. What was he even do in there?
Video of Arrow slowly creeping down the aisle, peering around surreptitiously. Cut to video of Arrow walking back, looking sullen and followed by a glaring flight attendant.* Caption: Arrow. 4/10 tried to sneak into first class. Lasted 10 mins before doing the walk of shame back to the peasant zone.
Video of Mika walking nonchalantly down the aisle, looking around innocently with his hands in his pockets.* Caption: Mika. 9.5/10 hot af, also snuck into first class but brought me back the good kind of earphones, a complimentary pillow, and a bonus mimosa after the attendant stopped serving me. But lost points bc he didn't take any candid pics of me looking out the window at the clouds.
Video of Kurda, selfie mode on, beauty filter engaged, lip-syncing to WAP.* Caption: Me, 162821/10. Living my best life. Like for part 2! #keepingupwithkurda
The End.
Ok guys I'm really sorry I didn't write the story of how they overthrew the government. I simply did not have time to get into that. (#March2020) But you can use your imaginations to fill in the blanks though. Fun fact, writing crack is SO MUCH HARDER when you're not 14 years old.
The bird was inspired by the fact that I literally saw a sparrow on the wrong side of the glass, 4 feet from my face one of the more recent times I flew but unlike Harkat I wasn't brave enough to steal a cart thing and be a hero. Hope you made it out buddy.
Also Murda is officially infiltrated TVF-canon, not sorry bout it.
Anyway, once again best wishes to Lukas and Mace! You guys deserve nothing but clear skies and bottomless mimosas or whatever floats your boat. Talk to you on the other side my friends!
- Roxy