Author Note: Here is the updated chapter 1. Hopefully, you guys like this new chapter 1 and thank you for reading and have a wonderful and awesome day!
-Two Hours before The Battle of the White Whale-
"The robes suit you… Jedi Outcast."
The voice was right behind me, an old and dry voice. My gaze did not turn away from the window as I peered down at the field. I could see Crusch's troops prepare for the white whale.
The armaments being loaded onto the strange dragon creatures, men screaming at one another as they were in a hurry, and the smashing and clanking of last-minute repairs.
My gloved right hand rested over the window, but I could not feel anything. The black glove along the palm of my hand, or the way the window felt from my touch.
Another thing that I lost…because of the Jedi.
"I'm no Jedi, old women."
She chuckled at this, her hoarse and dry laughter radiating from that small room. I heard the clicking of my lightsaber from behind me, the distinct sound catching me off guard.
I did not turn towards her. But I could hear the whizzing of my lightsaber as she moved it around the room, the light dancing around the small room…bathing it in a singular color. "Wow…this saber is elegant and still precise; you were always good at building lightsabers. Shame of what happened to your last one." She said, the sound of her scratchy voice causing my right hand to let out a mechanical whiz as I felt it roll into a fist.
"Well, Outcast. I wish to know something…that is why I called you here, before the battle." I turned towards her, the lightsaber clicking off. The brown robes clouding her eyes in a deep shadow in this small room. "I had hoped you would learn something after you appeared in this world. Not just of battle, but of yourself…and the force."
I shook my head to the side, another Jedi lecture…more Jedi ignorance and arrogance.
"…I must know if you are content now. If you are happy and that unrest, that rage and hatred is gone or at least under control."
My face began to contort, how could she…how could anyone ever be okay after what I have been put through. "Why does it matter, why do you care!"
"Because it matters to me. In a way it never mattered to the jedi, the council, or Revan!" She snapped back, the sincerity and anger mixed within her voice made me feel confused. Did she truly, did she care?
My hands dropped to my sides, as the sorrow began to take over. "No…the anger, the hatred, the fear. It still is there, I can feel it…and even after I came here, I am still so angry…but there is something new, like this wound, can be…"
"Healed, and that gives you…hope." She proclaimed
Her hand went to my lightsaber, her fingers gliding over it as she averted my eyes. "So I ask you again…if by killing, you have achieved any measure at peace?"
My gaze traveled to the floor. The flashes of my life highlighted by the people that have impacted me in positive and negative ways. "I don't know…"
"Tell me, I wish to know…so I ask again, just like that time we dueled in front of them all. In front of the election candidates, Infront of the elders, Infront of the knights…Infront of the girl." Her hand rested on the empty part of the robe which used to hold her other hand, cleaved off from that same duel. "Tell me about what happened since you came here, from the day of and to this very day, tell me everything you can."
"Why…?" I asked
She did not move from the chair, only speaking as her words echoed like how the force echoed from within me. "Because I wish to understand. Cause I am your master, and you are my apprentice."
How could I? How could I tell her about what I had encountered here, of what I have done…this curse, it won't let me tell her everything and there are some things I want to keep to myself…so I will tell her what I must, then I will free myself from her hold. "I can't explain it all, but if it means to get through this conversation. Then fine, I will try but after the conversation is over. I have my own thing that I have to say."
"Okay then, Outcast…begin." She uttered as she thrown me back my lightsaber
I caught it in my hands and reconnected it to my belt as the robes flailed around from the gush of air. I felt determined, and…alive, more at ease then I was a second ago.
I felt a cocky smile begin to tug at my lips. "Okay, old women. Let us begin…"
What was I doing here? Overlooking Nar Shaddaa?
There was an echo to a place like this. An echo that could of have been heard from half a galaxy away, to turn away from such an echo, would be impossible.
I tucked my hands into my pockets as I began to move through the occupied streets of the slums. The refugee area, where the exchange and the other gangs were putting pressure on me and the other humans that gathered around here.
My hood was keeping my head safe from the rain while all the other people huddled in trailers to escape the rain. What were we to them?
Bugs, or rather something less for them to treat us humans like this? They all came from across the galaxy, they were huddled in the dark, the only thing that could be seen was there white eyes trail along the rain.
Some arrived from Dantooine, Onderon, Malachor 5, or Dxun the heart of the Mandalorian crusade. I was like them, but for different reasons.
The war left its own mark, on the people and on some planets. Just like on Nar Shaddaa there were echoes across the galaxy.
My hand bawled into a fist. A metallic crank echoed from my right hand; I had my own share of scars from the wars. My left eye and my right hand were all proof of what I went through.
Revan…and Malak, and the Jedi civil war.
I tried to cut my ties to the force, I really did but on days or places like today where I could feel a disturbance, I could hardly bear to hear it.
Fear, sorrow, lust, impatience, cowardice live in harmony here and I could hear them. No matter how many times I try to cut myself off from the force I could still hear it.
My left hand touched the soft and cool metal of my right hand. The poncho was to protect from the rain, but it also protected from peeping eyes and questions that would arise.
There was no need for an eyepatch because…My hand dangled for something to hold on to as my knees buckled, and I crashed along the ground. My left hand grabbed my shirt as I clawed at my chest.
My breathing felt rushed as a loud splash radiated from me. Luckily, there was nobody around as I began to experience this sharp pain.
My left hand gripped my chest harder as I felt my heart speed up and feel tight along my chest. The Doc said that this was trauma for what happened during the wars.
"Those jedi, sending a teenager off to fight those damn wars." I heard him mutter as he checked my vitals
It was my choice I told him. How even though I was little. I fully understood how fighting the Mandalorians was justified, that if we did not act, then the republic would of have been lost.
Though I did believe that, what did I have to show?
I was a disgrace to the order, I cut myself off from the force because of how afraid that I was, and I broke the code.
I fell into the darkness, and I killed so many.
This arm and my eye, were they the price I had to pay for victory?
No, I lost my eye during the Mandalorian wars. There was no way of avoiding that, but I lost my hand during the civil war.
It was all my fault; sure, I didn't know what I was doing but it was all my fault. So, I left them all, and hoped for a new beginning. Hoping that maybe in some distant planet, that maybe I could forget all the horrible things that I had done in the war.
It's been so long ever since that I was able to meditate and center myself or take a nap without waking up screaming and crying.
PTSD the doc said, but to us force users it was different. Every time I try and use the force, I am back there.
Dxun, when me and the beast riders rode together in battle. My ignited lightsaber piercing a young Mandalorian who was too prideful and tried to push us.
Serrico, me and Revan watched them burn cities down. We saw the sand cities turn into glass craters as the Mandalorian dropships rained from the sky like meteors.
Malachor, when the generator destroyed the Mandalorians and jedi. There cries echoing for all the galaxy to hear as the war ended.
I could still see it. The planet imploding on itself, I could still feel the uncomfortable bandage around my eye as I strained to turn my neck to look at what was happening.
That was when the war ended…and another war began. That was when I joined Revan and Malak in their crusade against the jedi.
I had done such horrible things that I could never forgive myself. Now here I was with the rest of the victims of the war that have tried to escape and find someplace better.
When the panic attack stopped, I forced my body up, my right hand making a metallic whiz of it's gears as I pressed on. During the war I learnt more about machines, though not much about fixing them though I did pick up a couple of things.
My hand was not what it used to be. Sometimes it was just a dull metal hand, but at places like this, my hand felt alive.
Like I could feel it again. But this wasn't like having a normal hand, this feeling resembled the same feeling of getting it removed with a lightsaber.
A red crimson blade, a friend and master that betrayed me, a lesson that I failed…and was punished for.
I forced my body up as I lightly massaged my chest. Panic attacks, night terrors, and PTSD, if the council warned me about this then maybe I would of have taken their advice of not going to war.
There were rumors all around the galaxy of a planet of force sensitives wiped out, or how jedi have been disappearing, or like me they cut themselves off from the force.
Those things that have been tailing me now, in the slums where I am walking. Calling them people would be disgraceful, people do not have a hunger like that.
They hunger for the force, draining and consuming any morsel of the force that they can. They are starving for their next jedi.
I chuckled as I turned towards them, there invincibility cloaks disappearing. There red eyes and dark suits consumed the darkness and the rain all around them.
They were hoping for a jedi?
No, they got a young disgraced ex-jedi. Hell, I am still formerly a padawan, what were they expecting a jedi master.
"Jedi…Jedi…Jedi" the Sith assassins muttered in unison
There feet splashing in the rain as they approached me. But the only thing I did was smile as their own lightsabers ignited revealing a deep crimson or a soft purple.
One of them even had a double-bladed purple saber. Just like Ran used to have, seeing him dance around with it while me and Desnya laugh at how clumsy he was.
I miss them both, so much...
"You Sith, do you wish to slay me?" I asked
They were taken aback, maybe they thought that this was a threat. They placed themselves into their lightsaber stances as they began to get ready for my attack. But I was just messing with them, maybe because I left the dark side I could be redeemed.
Maybe I could see Ran and Desnya again? Maybe I could still see her warm smile, all I just needed to do was submit myself to the force.
I tossed my hood off my head, my short hazel hair quickly doused by the rain. But that wasn't what scared them off. My single green eye that broke through the darkness caused them to take a couple steps back.
"Come on Sith, what are you waiting for…strike me down!" I screamed
One of them spoke up "This is impossible, where is your master, we sense one stronger than you."
I felt my lips curl into a smile. They have fallen so far that all they could see is power, though did I have the right to judge them?
"Come on Sith, face me…a boy that survived both wars. I have fought alongside of Revan, slayed countless Mandalorian. What makes you think you can stop me." I yelled
Fools, they all are. Power has truly blinded them, but if it was power that blinds the Sith…then it is pride that blinds the jedi order.
My lightsaber was held in my pouch under the toolbox. It was wrapped up in some cloth, but it was useless.
I sold the crystal a while ago to some merchant, when you cannot feel the force, having a bond with a crystal doesn't matter anymore. But I will not be able to give up that lightsaber, it has been with me ever since I constructed it on Illum and when I was training during my time at Dantooine.
The purple Sith began running towards me, twirling his saber just like Ran used to.
Me and Desnya warned him, I could still remember his long black hair tied into a ponytail. His armor that he mixed with his robe for more protection as he joined Revan and the others to fight mandalore.
My right hand still outstretched to stop Desnya from running after him. My voice hoarse from screaming at her to let him go, how if we falter then the Mandalorians will break the east side and overwhelm us.
So, I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the force. There was a bright light that felt so warm that I invited it to me, but as I reopened my eyes, I wasn't in Nar Shaddaa anymore.