Disclaimer: First Chapter
"Useless goddess... useless me... together we're just extra useless." Kazuma was depressed over his abysmal stats. He had died from a heart attack after thinking he was saving a girl from being hit by a truck, but instead had a heart attack and pissed his pants dying in the hospital because a girl didn't even get close to getting hit by a tractor.
He died an extremely pathetic and avoidable death.
His stats reflected his everything, he had below average everything, but super high luck and higher intelligence. That was about it, and he didn't qualify to any classes at the moment with his level so low and his stats so low.
"I'm not useless, I'm a Goddess."
"No, you're just an Arch-Priest who thinks she's a goddess." Kazuma stated plain as fact, insulting Aqua. Out of everything he could have picked, he picked the one thing that didn't make him powerful or special. He picked to take Aqua with him out of spite, so that she could give him a great life in this world by making everything easy for him.
Turns out, she was useless to him right now.
"That's really mean! I'll have you know, I'm a great goddess. I've sent dozens of heroes to this world, and you're just abnormally pathetic is all. Considering a Shut-In Neet like you-"
"I'm not a Shut-In Neet, I died outside my house! Anyway, those other people can't be that special if you picked them." Kazuma couldn't imagien Aqua of all people managing to pick out anyone good. "... After all, you did pick me... and I suck... self-hatred aside for now, we're broke, we're weak, and we have spent the last few days doing manual labor jobs around the city." Kazuma reminded them of the situation that they were in.
Aqua's jaw dropped.
"... You're right, we need to get stronger and take real quests!" Aqua had been having so much fun that she literally forgot about the fact she couldn't return home until she helped Kazuma defeat the Demon Lord. As a Goddess of Water and Healing, she was truly only useful in fighting undead monsters, true demons, and things related to fire. She wasn't going to be able to do much to destroy most regular monsters. "Aaaaaaaah, why was I stuck with you, if anyone were to force me to come here, why couldn't have been one of the handsome guys... though, I'm pretty sure Naruto wants to kill me." Aqua whispered at the end.
Kazuma threw his hands up in the air.
"Of course, we already have an enemy out of somebody, let me guess, this is some other guy like me." Kazuma could imagine Aqua pissing off another guy.
She shook her head.
"He's nothing like you at all... actually, the two of you might be polar opposites. You died in the most hilarious and pitiful way possible, and he died in the most badass way I can imagine. He got poisoned, hit by a truck and the truck got sent to another world when it knocked him into a river, got his arm ripped off by a shark, was hit by a second truck when he got out of the water, got set on fire when the truck crashed into a gas station and laned back in the ocean with all of his bones broken-" Aqua started to list off everything that it had taken to kill Naruto, and Kazuma started to grow more pale when he realized that the amount of bad luck and badass difference between him and Naruto was horrifying.
He died a completely painless, but pitiful death, a stroke of good luck when compared to the other ways he could have died.
"-then, when he dragged himself out of the ocean, he was going to survive... but he was given a cosmic middle finger when a meteorite struck him through the chest. This all happened in 15 minutes... AND it didn't even kill him, he died 3 days later in the hospital. He had a league of assassins after his life since he was 15 years old, and two of our best Kill Trucks died trying to Isekei him... he Isekei'd the trucks Kazuma! He's a total scary monster, and he might want to hurt me if he sees me!" Aqua cried out loudly at the end. Nobody in the guild was paying them too much attention at the moment. "He's in the world... biding his time, waiting for his chance to hit me."
"Big dude... like 180 cm tall, built pretty solid... blond hair and blue eyes?" Kazuma asked with his face growing more and more pale.
"Yeah! Good guess! He's got whisker marks on his cheek for some reason." Aqua went further into details.
"... And he looks like he could rip a person in half with his bare hands... and sharp... very sharp looking canine teeth." Kazuma's gaze was looking up behind Aqua as they talked.
Aqua nodded again.
"Right, and he is super stupid... I mean, he attacked me, a goddess when he met me. He might be even dumber than you are, not that it would be hard. Why are you looking at me like I'm somebody you should pity?" Aqua asked Kazuma as he looked at the table in front of him, refusing to look up. He placed his hands uncomfortably on his lap.
A hand gently touched Aqua's shoulder.
-Music: Re:Zero ost - Call of the Witch-
"Hello... Aqua... to think I would have the chance to see you again so soon."
"... Why... hello Naruto... lovely to see you, did you cut your hair? It looks great, and look at that leather armor... really shows off your body... have I ever mentioned you're my favorite person I've ever sent to this world." Aqua instantly and without hesitation started to kiss Naruto's ass with her words. She put her hands together and put her biggest and brightest smile on her face. "... and LOOK at you, getting such a cute party member, she's just so pretty. I knew you had it in you slugger."
She sighed when Naruto let go of her, but she flinched when Naruto reached behind him and pulled out a... bottle of some kind of liquid.
"I didn't get my hair cut, but Megumin is very pretty so we agree there... now-" Naruto started to spread the liquid, a very slippery seeming liquid, over his fist as his eyes closed and he looked down at her through the slits of his closed eyes. "... I hope you're not wearing panties you care about, because I don't feel like being gentle when I meat puppet." Naruto stated as he covered all of his fingers.
Megumin waved at Kazuma, but he was too scared of what he was about to witness to wave back at her. Naruto was popping all of his fingers.
"Yes, that's right... because I'm about to wear you like a sock puppet on my hand. Don't worry, I'm not cruel... I'm using lube." Jaws dropped when Naruto said that,
Aqua started to run away.
"Kazuma made me do it!"
"COME HERE!" Naruto decided to stop pretending to be happy, and screamed at the top of his lungs as he chased down Aqua. Kazuma sighed in relief when Megumin sat down across from him and smiled.
"That's my party leader Naruto, he's a really nice guy when you get to know him. We've been in a party together for 3 days now. He makes sure I have enough to eat... I'm Megumin, and you?" Megumin extended her hand, happy to meet Kazuma, and he sighed in relief AGAIN at how normal this girl seemed.
He took her hand.
"Adventurer class, Kazuma here... so-"
*Aqua Screaming Noises*
"Now Aqua, when I MOVE MY INDEX FINGER, you move your right arm... LIKE THIS!"
*LOUDER Aqua Screaming Noises*
"... He's actually fisting her butt and wearing her like a meat puppet... he's controlling her." Kazuma put his hands over his mouth with a horrified stare at what was happening on the other side of the guild. He didn't know if he should try and help Aqua or not, since that might get him in trouble, but Naruto was waving Aqua above his head like a trophy by his fist. "... Oh my goddess he was serious about the meat puppet..."
"Yeah, Naruto doesn't lie, if he says he will do something, he tends to do it. He's a super honest guy, want to join our party, we need an Arch-Priest, Crusader, or Thief in the group... to be frank, Naruto is strong, but his luck is just too bad for a normal party to deal with." Megumin whispered to Kazuma.
He listened in, and he got an idea.
'He's super strong... aka, he can do most of the hard work for us... yes, while he does all the hard work, we can steal the kills and level up super fast.' Kazuma could see this idea working out very well.
Naruto's luck couldn't be THAT bad after all.
Aqua crashed into the table.
"Ah... must have used too much lube, she slipped off." Naruto muttered to himself as he crossed his arms.
'If I pretend to be dead, he won't do the thing with my butt again.'
"Oh well, practice makes perfect, isn't that right, Goddess of Pretending to Be Dead." Naruto stated to Aqua as he took aim with his fist.
'... He wouldn't dare... don't worry Aqua, just continue playing dead. He's bluffing, he's stupid, there is no way that he would think you're pretending...' Aqua stopped thinking when she felt that same feeling from earlier.
*Loudest Aqua Screaming Noises*
Music to Naruto's ears.
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