Despite not giving two shits about his newest client's back story, if only because the fish faced demon had failed to comment on either his snazzy outfit or his recently renovated office, Blitzo nevertheless managed to keep himself from yawning in boredom as he listened to the reason why his services were being called upon.
"So just because I was threatened his chances of winning the best salesman of the year, the fat walrus not only purposefully went out of his way to screw up my orders, which of course got blamed on me, but he got that nosy bitch of a wife of his to spread rumors that I was cheating on the love of my life. And after my wife left me, taking the kids with her, with no job, and all my friends believing the lies that were being spoken about me, I decided to do the only thing left for me to do".
At this point the smartly dressed Imp couldn't help himself. Even though he knew he was running the risk of losing the only client his company had managed to attract all week.
"Go for a midnight swim in shark infested waters"?
Chuckling as his comment proved to be less than well received by the aquatic looking demon, Blitzo regained some of his composure at the answer he received.
"No actually. Put on my favorite television program. Have a nice dinner. And then electrocute myself with the only remaining wedding present that hadn't been lost in my divorce".
Choosing not to comment on his client's manner of death, for he was far from the first human who decided to end their life by the simple method of adding an electrical appliance to one's bathwater, the former circus performer adopted his most dazzling smile as he tried to close the deal.
"And because of your...untimely end, you want I.M.P. to take out the disgusting tub of lard whose jealousy ended up ruining your life. Well luckily for you, my company has loads of options to choose from. Do you want us to cut his breaks? Put some arsenic in his morning coffee? Or even make it appear that he's finally lost his ability to look himself in the mirror and say 'Today is the day I stop lying to myself and finally do the world a favor'? I assure you that whatever the request, we can fill it. Provided of course you got the cash to pay for our...services".
Receiving a frowning nod from the former human, Blitzo felt his eyes widen with pure happiness as he realized that this job would allow him to not only keep the company running for another week, but also allow him to finally buy that adorable collar he had been meaning to get Loona ever since she had grown big enough to know the difference between chew toys and accessories.
"Actually, I was hoping that you and your employees could wipe out the rest of the turd's family as well. I have enough to cover the cost for taking out his bitch of a wife, but since your commercial says 'kids die for free', I was wondering if this would be enough to have you kill the entire Dursley Family. From what my younger son told me, their child is nothing but a bully. And is only gonna get worse since his parents are either blind to his faults, or actively encourage him".
Nodding his head in understanding, though he was still somewhat annoyed that he had been forced to treat the ending lyric of his catchy jingle as a legally binding promise, the Imp pulled out a heavy stack of papers and presented it to his client with a smile.
"Absolutely. No trouble at all. And before we sign our contract, do you have any special requests you want to make regarding the nature of their deaths? I can assure, my team and I can handle ANY request. No matter how depraved".
Giving the fish demon a chance to rummage through the variety of options he had been presented with, Blitzo fought the urge to shout with joy as the client ended up choosing one of his favorite methods of killing people.
"I want you to make it look like a murder suicide".
"AND YOU CAN STAY IN THERE UNTIL YOU'VE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE OUR GENORISTY. I WORK 5 DAYS A WEEK TO PUT FOOD ON THIS TABLE. AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE GREEDY LITTLE FREAKS WHO THINK THAT THEY DESERVE SOMETHING MORE THAN BREAD AND WATER JUST BECAUSE THEY MANAGED NOT TO FUCK UP THEIR AUNT'S LIST OF CHORES. IF YOU ASK FOR MORE FOOD AGAIN, YOU AND I WILL BE HAVING MORE THAN A STERN TALKING TO BOY".
Wisely deciding to remain silent in the face of his uncle's rage, though he knew that wasn't a guaranteed way to keep himself out of danger, an 8 year old Harry Potter did his best to ignore his nearly empty tummy as he silently cursed his stupidity.
It had been a rather good day. At least as far as he considered such things.
His whale of a cousin had only chased him around the school yard once before seeking a less nimble victim.
His list of chores had been both short, and had carried no risk to his overall health besides maybe getting a little dizzy from floor soap Aunt Petunia bought. And maybe almost getting stung by a bee while pruning the garden.
And perhaps best of all, he had managed to move fast enough with Uncle Vernon's morning breakfast that not only had he been permitted to eat his own breakfast, a piece of lightly buttered toast and an apple, before cleaning up, but also without having to listen to the overweight man make nasty comments about his supposed 'freakishness'.
But sadly, this good day had been brought to an end when he foolishly asked if it would be alright to have some of the left over chicken that HE had cooked for them instead of having to run the risk of cats getting to it in the garbage.
He was lucky he had merely been tossed into his cupboard for daring to 'make demands above his station'. Otherwise he would have woken up with a splitting headache 6 hours after dinner had been concluded. With no knowledge of what time it was, or what sort of mood he could expect his relatives to be in once they finally released him to make their breakfast.
Still wasn't a great situationeither way.
But he had come to terms that with his life, he needed what ever silver lining he could ge...
Pulled out of his musings by the sound of the doorbell, and doing his best to remain quiet lest he attract the attention of his rushing aunt, Harry carefully placed his ear against the door of his cupboard as he did the one thing that gave him an opportunity to survive in the Dursley Household.
"Hello. Is this the Dursley Residence"?
Hearing the dismissive scoff of his aunt, the underfed boy could easily picture the look if disdain that was on his realtive's face as she answered the question of the strangely cheery stranger.
"Yes it is. I am Mrs. Dursley. And who are yo..".
"DAMN IT MOXIE! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO FIX THE SAFTEY ON THIS THING".
Glaring at his bow tie wearing employee, who at least had the decency to acknowledge the fact that it was his fault that his pistol had gone off, Blitzo's bad mood instantly improved when his adopted daughter/hellhound/receptionist proved that she was more than just a pretty, yet sassy face.
"Relax Blitz. She's still alive. I mean, yeah if left untreated that wound would probably kill her. But Moxie's fuck up does fall under the type of punishment our client wants".
"Hmmm. You have a point Looney. Fishface was pretty specific that these people suffer. Soooo I suppose I can overlook this little...misfire. Its not like this would be the first time Moxie shoots his pistol too early".
Enjoying the look of anger that had come over the smaller Imp's face at this insult, the founder of the Immediate Murder Professionals adopted a more serious tone as he gave out further orders.
"Anyways, enough chit chat. We have people to kill. A tub of lard to pin it on. And a nice juicy stack of money to collect once were back home. So Moxie. Take this...I want to say human woman but her face kinda reminds of horse demon. Anyways, take this bleeding target to the living room and tie her up. Loona, you and I will be going after the...".
"Petunia! What was that noi...WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU FREAKS? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CAL...".
Turning towards the grey furred Hell Hound with a look of mild annoyance, though in truth he was actually secretly proud that Loona was willing to show some interest in his work, Blitzo merely sighed in acceptance at the slightly dismissive reply he received.
"What? You know how sensitive I am. And even if I generally don't give a crap about how relationships work, the fact that he chose to insult us first instead of commenting on his bleeding wife sorta is enough to warrant an instant death in my opinion".
"I hate to say it sir but she's got a point. Hell if Millie were here instead of back home, I can honestly say that this would look less like a case of extreme domestic violence and more like a rabid home invasion".
Nodding his head in agreement with Moxie's observation, for he had seen first hand how Millie lost control whenever their targets where less than...faithful to their wedding vows, Blitzo pointed at the dead sack of meat.
"Fair enough. Well before this fat sack of shit interrupted me. Loona, go upstairs and take out their kid. Shouldn't be too hard since our client says he is the ideal target. Fat and dumb. Moxie and I will stage the scene".
Earning a long suffering sigh from the pony tailed canine, the well dressed Imp quickly sported a frown of confused annoyance as Loona suddenly drew in a sniff, and walked proceeded to walk towards the stairs cupboard
"Ahh, Loona dear, what are you doing"?
Receiving a dismissive wave from his red eyed assistance, Blitzo found himself shooting his other employee a glare as he sadly pointed out the probable cause for Loona's behavior.
"She probably smells some sort of stash. If this guy was making loads of money, and she was nothing more than a housewife, I'd bet she drink a lot out of sheer bor...WHAT THE FUCK IS A CHILD DOING THERE"?
ANNNNNNND that's it.
Ive been a fan of both Hazbin Hotel, and Helluva boss since it was created. And since the release of the first episode of the season...was inspired to write this XD.
Promise to continue it since I generally don't abandon my stories. Just get VERY strong cases of writers block XD.
So until then...tell me what you think :D