"Waaazzzuuuuppppp?": A Girls' Guide to Goblins
Jynnxe Jones, Staff Writer
It's hard not to admire goblins. Clever, nimble-fingered and curious, there isn't a goblin born who can't take a box of leftover bits and in five minutes cobble together something that will make noise, belch fire, or explode. Frequently all three. (And speaking of which, if you've recently purchased one of the new goblin-built Wands of Expedited Self-Gratification from the Auction House, you may want to check out our review on page six, right next to the funeral notice for our consumer product reviewer.)
But when it comes to the old horizontal-whose-yer-daddy, goblins – goblin men, anyway – trade their sizzle for fizzle. Goblin women? Oh, baby. But that's a story for another day.
Growing up like I did down around Booty Bay means you meet an awful lot of goblins, and the first thing an adventurous girl learns is that in Goblin Town, 'three strikes, you're out' means something completely different. Goblin men are strictly 'get on, get off, and get off', which is why Booty Bay is the gang-bang capital of the Eastern Kingdoms: it's the only way a girl stands any chance of scoring a bulls-eye without doing it herself or phoning a friend.
Like everything else goblin-related, when it comes to size, goblin men are unpredictable, and I've met a few with some pretty respectable hangers. But big or little, when they go off, it's like someone opened up with a fire hose. We're talking hot, wet, sticky, and lots of it. Expect to need a shower afterwards, unless you're the kind of person who can chug a pint of beer without stopping for breath, and of course that only applies in some pretty specific situations. And even then, you're probably better off pulling out at the last second and pointing it over your shoulder.
Summary: Goblin men are like potato chips – it's hard to stop at one, because one by itself isn't very satisfying. Plus, yeah, pretty salty. But like lots of things, it's worth trying just to say you got the achievement. So grab a six pack and give it a go. Just make sure you bring a towel for clean up afterwards.
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