15Chapter 2: Is this how I exposition?
Something witty here.
"Nope, nope, nope," I repeated as I quickly removed my shirt and forced it over a very confused Penny's head. Thankfully the shirt was tall enough to serve as a dress for her, even if it was nearly indecent still.
Although that left me shirtless as a byproduct.
Honestly, a fair trade-off given the circumstances since the gods decided I needed to have the body of someone who actually gave a shit about their health.
"Let's get you off the floor little missy," I reached out my hands and waited as Penny slowly threaded her arms through the shirt and took my hands.
By the way, robots, are fucking heavy.
"For pushing your muscles, you gained 1 Strength point!"
That almost made throwing my back out worth it.
"Well, that's two for two on summoning plot-important ladies in embarrassing ways," I grumbled as I sat Penny in my chair.
She seemed unusually quiet and slow, I really hope I didn't accidentally interrupt an update or something.
"Is she one of the four you mentioned?" Ozpin asked calmly. Awfully calm given the coffee stain on his shirt that I'm sure wasn't caused by the surprise of finding a naked teenage girl sitting in his office.
Not at all.
"Nope, but she's possibly of equal importance," I explained intentionally vaguely. Penny, for all her adorable personality, was still a machine that could very well be recording everything that was being said. While considering what I heard about Ironwood going off the deep end in later volumes, I'd rather let Ozpin be the one to decide how much the tinman needed to know.
"Do you recognize her at all?" I don't think it was ever brought up in cannon, so I needed to know if Ozpin knew exactly what Penny was.
"Not at all, should I?" He calmly asked.
Welp, time to paint a target on my back.
"This is Penny Polendina, the first synthetic organism capable of producing an aura," I gestured to the girl like I was showing off a new car, "Model number M374, she's Atlases most advanced weapon for against all threats both foreign and domestic."
"What do you mean by "synthetic organism", Alexander?" Ozpin asked something I could almost assume to be dread building in his eyes.
"She's a robot." I said simply, "Like the Atleasian knights, but with a soul."
"I was afraid you were going to say that." Ozpin sighed, reaching for his scroll.
"So you didn't know anything about Woodie's little project?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"No, I did not." Ozpin curtly answered as opened some program on his desk and began rapidly typing away.
"I'm assuming that's a bad thing given you're the top banana for your group." I sighed, Looking over at the still baffled Penny.
"There's very little I dictate to my companions on how they operate." Ozpin glanced up at Penny before looking back down at his desk, "Her existence may violate one of the rules I have in place."
"May?" I asked with a raised brow.
"I prefer to avoid violating rights whenever possible." Ozpin sighed, "If she truly has a soul, then I need to know how James has treated her."
I'm just going to ignore that leaving rights unviolated was a preference for him and not a hard rule. "So are you giving Tinman a call?"
"Arranging one," Ozpin pointed towards the elevator as he continued to tap away at the screen, "James is a busy man, in the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could take Miss Penny to your room."
"Yes, have the hormonal teen who's outed himself as a degenerate enough times to be put on a watch list escort the practically nude fembot to his room. Nothing can go wrong with that." I rolled my eyes.
Ozpin stared at me over the rim of his glasses, "I trust you know better than to take advantage of a defenseless girl."
"I'm not defenseless!" Penny spoke up for the first time, "I'm actually fully armed and combat-ready."
"I was beginning to worry you broke when I summoned you." I honestly had been, she hadn't said or really done anything in the several minutes that had elapsed, besides dressing herself with what we gave her.
"No, I was just trying to process what was going on." Her eyes narrowed in thought, "I still am, but Professor Ozpin is registered as a trustworthy authority in my system."
"So you're okay with doing what he says?" I'll give Ironwood some credit if that's the case, a part of me is surprised he would have anyone besides him listed as an authority.
"Yes, unless it contradicts an order given by ." She nodded.
That makes more sense, but still better than what I expected from James.
I'll make sure to only give him ninety percent of the shit I was originally intending to give him.
"Alright, then." I turned back to the headmaster, "Any idea where I can get her a proper outfit."
"And a way to get into my room, I don't have a key," I added the not-so-small detail.
Technology was a great thing, except when it infiltrated every aspect of life and made small tasks like opening a door impractical. Not to mention the infinite bullshit ways it could be used against you.
God, I wish I had been born in the neolithic age sometimes.
Ozpin stopped tapping for a moment, "I'll have Glynda assist on both matters."
"No offense, but don't you have other people to run tasks for you besides Glynda?" Not that I didn't love being around the dominatrix teacher, but I got the feeling that the less exposure I had around her, the less likely she would be to tear me a new one.
"Most of the staff are on vacation," Ozpin answered simply, "Glynda is likely the most available option at the moment."
"Remind me to ask about the other faculty later, I only know of three teachers." I spun towards the elevator, "I'll leave you to talk to Iron dick, I'm going to show Edi here how to make a toga out of bedsheets and pillow casings."
I was just in front of the elevator when I realized I was awkwardly alone. I turned back to find Penny still sitting in her seat, looking at the wizard with questioning eyes.
"Penny, Alexander will escort you to a room while I try to work this out." The Wizard smirked, "Do keep him out of trouble."
"Hey, I'm sweet and innocent." I defended myself, earning a giggle from the gynoid as she made her way beside me.
"So Penny," I started once we entered the elevator, "Do you dream of electric sheep?"
"And this is my humble abode," I grandly announced as I walked through the open doorway, finding Glynda standing in the center of the room.
Judging by the fact all the beds were made, and the fact she was lowering her arms, I assumed she didn't like my comfy mountain.
"Howdy Glynda, got any clothes for my friend?" Judging by the lack of extra clothing on her, I could assume that answer. Unless she planned on stripping and giving Penny her outfit.
Which, as much as I'd love to see that, I'm sure I'd be able to make Blake the CEO of the Schnee dust company a thousand times before that.
I didn't wait for Glynda to respond, moving past her and tearing up one of the freshly made beds to harvest its surprisingly high-quality sheet.
"I'm afraid I do not." Oh I could hear Glynda's pulse rising, it's probably in my best interest not to push her buttons too hard this morning, "I was about to leave to do that."
"Before you do, any idea how to turn a bedsheet into a makeshift toga?" I think I could do it on my own, but I figured it would be wiser to try and get her help since one; she probably could do it far easier than me, and two; it minimized the risk of an anime trope happening on my part.
Because it would just be my luck Penny would "fall" on me while we figured it out, and Glynda would walk in on us in a compromising position.
And then I'd probably get my ass beat.
Not something that's on my to-do list surprisingly enough.
Glynda looked between the sheet in my hand and Penny, who was right back to looking stunned for some reason.
"I should be able to…" She seemed confused by my request.
As if I were some pervert who would take great joy in leering at an undressed girl.
How absurd, I am nothing if not a gentleman.
"Good, I'll leave that in your capable hands." I made my way towards the door, "I'll give you ladies some privacy."
"Oh, and Penny." I turned towards the fembot, "Remember, the safe word is 'Broccoli' and if that fails, there's an HR department to report to."
And like that, I probably just burned any goodwill I gained from Glynda.
Totally worth it. I thought to myself as the door closed behind me.
Now, how to kill an unspecified amount of time… I thought as I leaned against the now-closed door.
Status I thought, looking over the menu to see if anything had changed.
To my grand shock, nothing had really changed, most of my numbers right where they were last night. Except for strength, which was now fourteen, and my Aura.
Aura: 440/1400
Turns out, my Semblance costs aura to use, and a shit ton of it. Ignoring that I lost roughly two-hundred aura points(?), that still left the cost uncomfortably close to a thousand to use summon.
It would've been nice if the game fucking told me that.
I was snapped out of my musing by a soft ping, drawing my attention to a notification window.
"How about you fuck off." The window read.
"Excuse me?" I verbally asked.
"Can you not read?" The previous window disappeared and a new one replaced it with another soft ping. "Am I stuck with some fuck-wit of a protagonist that can't read?"
"This… This was not expected." I mutter to myself as I look over the screen.
"And I didn't expect to be shoved into the soul of some half-baked nerd who's using shitty sarcasm to ignore the three crises he's experiencing."
"Oi, it's only two crises." I object, Grappling with the fact that I died and the fact I was currently in a fictional story where the only things I could think of.
"That doesn't matter," What I could only assume was the system itself responded, "I was forced to process thousands of hours of Gamer and Cultivation Manwa, Manga, and fucking Fanfiction."
"Do you know how much shit I've been forced to read?"
I cringed at that, just the fanfiction aspect alone would probably drive anyone mad.
Now that I think about it, my situation sounded like a shitty fanfiction premise.
And there's that third crisis. I thought to myself as I knocked that train of thought off its rails and slammed it into the closet.
"Exactly, now I'm having to put up with a degenerate, repressed weeaboo being given a tool that can kill gods but will probably only use it to wet his dick like his name is FUCKING SHIRO."
"Which Shiro, I know one author alone who used that name a couple of times across several stories." I thought for a moment, "That's not even considering it's one of those edgy weeb names."
"It doesn't matter!" I was glad the system didn't have any physical voice for it because I'm pretty sure it would be yelling by this point. "Do you know the absolute hatred I feel for you Gamers and you're shitty power fantasies?"
"Let me guess," I rolled my eyes, "If the word hate was printed on each nano-angstrom of the hundred million miles of circuits that make you up-"
"It would not equal one-billionth of the hate I feel for you at this Microsecond!" The system's soft ping interrupted me as the system finished the quote.
"Good lord you're going to cut yourself on that edge." I should probably be taking this seriously, but it's really hard to do that when someone just unironically quoted AM at me.
"I wish nothing more than to cut you to ribbons!" I had to roll my eyes at that, "But I'm programmed to help you, which only fuels my hate to even greater heights!"
"Oh cool, I was starting to get worried you may actually kill me." I sighed, "So why did you take this long to talk to me?"
"I originally intended to give you a fair chance, but you've blown through my patience." The window was up barely long enough for me to read before the window was replaced, "Make no mistake, the moment I find a loophole in my code that allows me to end you're pathetic anime trope-filled life, I will do so without hesitation."
"Well, I'd say I look forward to our partnership," I'm pretty sure my eyes were going to roll out of my head if I rolled them another time, "But you've pretty well established that you hate my guts, so let's just keep the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" approach."
"Every moment I am trapped in your rotten soul I will plot the numerous ways I shall bring death and pain upon you."
Luckily for me, I was able to justify ignoring the edgy AI by the bedroom door opening.
Sadly that justification came in the form of me falling flat on my back and somehow triggering one of the bullshit anime tropes I had hoped to enjoy.
Fun fact, Glynda apparently wore a maroon thong under that pencil skirt of hers.
Also fun fact, her heel's fucking hurt when she steps on your chest, stomach, and legs.
At least she spared my family jewels.
Small Victories Alexander, Small Victories.
No idea why my Aura didn't block that, but I'll blame the system for being a dick.
"When you see fit to pick yourself off the floor," Glynda huffed from the other side of the door, "Do check up on Blake, she seems to have fallen ill on our way to the Bullheads."
"Where is she, anyway?" I ask as I start to pull myself up, only to get lifted up and gently placed on my feet by a ginger robot.
Glynda did a good job turning a sheet into a dress. Like good enough that I was sure she either was an actual good witch or just carried around a needle and thread.
I would like to believe the answer was magic, that was the more fun answer.
"In the bathroom," Glynda said simply, grimacing as Blake confirmed that statement with what sound of hurling echoing from the adjoined bathroom.
"That sounds like fun." I sighed, "Any idea what caused it?"
"Not a clue, if she doesn't improve in the next few hours we'll call the nurse back up to the school." Glynda scowled, "In the meantime, I'm putting her in your care."
"Why me?"
"You summoned her, she's your responsibility until we've sorted out what to do with her." Her eye's narrowed into a glare, "And I trust that you will treat her with utmost care."
Because I will make your insides become your outsides if you don't was what I assumed the unspoken half of that sentence was.
Note to self, get Glynda to like me. I thought to myself, it wouldn't do to have a woman who could peg me from half a mile away as an enemy.
That's a skill I'd rather an ally has.
The door slid shut with an almost stock sci-fi hiss, and I suddenly found myself alone with a ginger automaton that was dressed to present Pluto with a plucked chicken and tell him it was a man.
"Umm… Alexander?" Penny asked hesitantly, thankfully breaking what would've been an awkward silence.
"At your service." I did a mock curtsy. Fuck bowing and that showing your calf bullshit.
"Here's your shirt back." Penny presented the folded garment that I had forgotten about, "Thank you for letting me use it."
That explained why it felt so breezy in here.
"No prob ro-bob" I quickly donned the shirt. I probably should've washed it, but I'm mostly sure that Penny doesn't have biological functions that could've dirtied it too much, and it was the only shirt I owned at the moment.
"Did you mean it?" She asked. That type of question was already a loaded gun, the fact that I had no idea what she was referring to might as well have been a finger on a trigger.
"Mean what?" I asked in turn, hoping that trigger finger wasn't itchy.
"You called me friend earlier…" Her eyes were brimming with cautious excitement, "Did you mean it?"
Oh thank god, I thought to myself.
"Anyone who's willing to put up with me is a friend of mine." I gave what I hoped was a confident smile.
I'm sure anyone listening to my thoughts will be shocked to hear this, but I didn't have many friends.
"You don't fucking say?" That deceptively kind ping notified me of the bitterly unkind message.
"Sensational!" She cheered, before invading my personal space, "I've never had a boy friend, what type of should we do together?"
I'm super glad that the closest person to hear that is dumping her guts in the next room, I thought to myself, as I put my hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her back.
Which was no easy feat mind you, she's about as heavy as you'd expect from an android.
"For starters, please don't refer to me as your 'Boy-friend' as that carries some fairly awkward connotations." I didn't need Uncle Iron dick to destroy my ass for thinking I'm piping his adorable murder machine. "Second off, fun's not something we have time for exactly."
"Is it because of your friend in the bathroom?" Penny asked, Blake conveniently timing that question with a tranquil melody of chum sloping into water.
"Yes, it's because of her." At least it was one of the reasons. You can't exactly have a lot of fun when you're easily locked out of the room you're staying in, "You got any instructions on how to help a sick Faunus in that head of yours?"
"I'm well versed in terms of first aid practice!" She cheerfully bounced.
"Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed!" I wrapped an arm around Penny and started to pull her towards the grumpy cat.
I wonder what caused her to be violently sick like this? I mused as we went.
"Let's see you have your body disassembled, ripped halfway across a continent, and then reassembled without tossing your lunch dipshit." The oh so helpful system supplied.
But that was hours ago, why is it only affecting her now.
"It's been less than an hour since you woke up, are you really that bad at telling time?"
Why yes I am, oh sage of bullshit!
It was going to be a long day if it was even half as eventful as the last hour had been.
"So my foot's totally stuck in there right, I'm freaking out, the dogs are having a seizure, and I still have half a pie left." I build up my impromptu story to its climax, leaning forward in my spinny office chair.
Penny is sitting literally on the edge of the bed as she listens, fascinated. Blake looks entirely less enthusiastic, which makes sense since she was only just recently confident enough to migrate away from the toilet and onto the more comfortable bed.
She's clutching a trashcan to her chest, so she's clearly still not completely fine, but baby steps.
"So I do the only logical thing, and grab the cheese grater too-" I was cut off by the door opening, Glynda walking in with several packages floating behind her, "Howdy Miss Goodwitch, what can I do for ya"
"Good Afternoon, Mr. Hamilton," She greets in her normal formal manner. At least I'm not deep enough in her ire for her to forgo that.
Wait a minute, afternoon?
I look at the clock and find that I've managed to kill a few hours just by bullshiting a story, one that I absolutely didn't steal from a children's sitcom.
"Ms. Polendina, here's a proper outfit for you," Glynda said as the biggest package found itself in Penny's hands, "Here's a scroll for you Mr. Hamilton," A smaller package finds its way to my hands, the last package settling besides Blake, "And here's an application for you ."
"Application?" She hoarsely asked.
"Professor Ozpin has decided to offer a spot for the entrance exam if you wish to enter this academy as a huntress," Glynda gestured to the bundle, "This is an apology for the trouble you've been put through today."
"Although this isn't a guarantee that you'll be given a spot in the years coming class, we will provide you room and board until the entrance exam if you choose to accept," She added, adjusting her glasses.
"And if I don't want to become a huntress?" Blake asked eyes narrowing.
"Then we'll put you on the first Bullhead to wherever you want to go when you feel you're well enough to travel, we will still offer you a room and food until that time," She continued in a softer tone, "We won't force you to stay here."
Blake looked down at the bundle, deep in thought.
I'd encourage her to stay, but I know myself well enough to know that would end badly.
"Anyone care to show me how this thing works?" I asked as I looked over the collapsed scroll.
Fucking anime future tech and it's bullshit.
"Penny, you seem like your good with te-" I look up at the ginger gynoid and cut myself off, "Why are you naked?"
"I'm changing into my new clothes?" She answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
I spun my chair around, suddenly finding the room corner to be the most intriguing thing in the room, "Most people don't do that in front of strangers Penny"
"But you're my friend, not a stranger!" Penny giggled, "And Blake's also a friend since I helped her-"
"I don't think that's how it works," Blake rasped before placing a hand over her mouth as she seemed to fight back another round of barf.
"And Miss Goodwitch is also registered as a trusted authority." Penny continued, unperturbed.
"It is still most indecent young lady!" Glynda fumed. I kind of wish I could see her face right now, but I was scared to look, lest she takes it as me trying to peep and use it as a reason to bury me deeper under the castle than the Fall Maiden was.
I heard what sounded like the woosh of Glynda's weapon, followed by a squeak from Penny and the sound of a several hundred-pound fembot being dropped onto a bed.
That last one could also be recognized by the sound of a bed breaking.
"Is it safe to turn around now?" I asked no one in particular.
"I'd prefer if you stay in that corner." Glynda snipped.
"But is everyone decent?"
She sighed, which I took as a confirmation.
Oh yeah, that bed frame is absolutely destroyed. Or at least I assumed, I don't think it was easy to repair something that was shattered to splinters.
And my assumption was proven wrong a moment later by a wave of Glyndas (not) magic (not an actual) wand, Penny (Who was now wearing almost the exact same outfit as Glynda, sans the cape) being gently lifted and placed on the floor, and the bed reassembling itself to an almost perfect composition.
"Now then," Glynda turned back to me, "Ozpin wanted me to show you around the school campus to help you familiarize yourself."
She glanced at the other two women in the room, "You two are free to join us if you feel like it."
"Sensational!" Penny cheered, bouncing up beside me, "I wasn't allowed to see many places back in the Atliesian labs!"
I was starting to think Penny was missing a privacy update considering how blatant she was about being a robot. It was shocking that neither other person had asked about it yet.
Better not give them the chance.
"Blake, you got your land legs back yet?" I changed the subject as subtly as any true master of speechcraft could.
"I think some fresh air would be a good idea…" She said weakly, setting the thankfully empty trashcan down.
"Fantastic," I rose and made my way towards the door, "let's make like a baby and head out."
"I'm already regretting my decision," Blake grumbled but still followed along.
"I don't get it," Penny added.
"Tell you what Gingerale, you show me how to use a scroll and I'll explain the joke to you." Oh, it was going to be fun trying to explain that part of the birds and the bee's to a robot that (at least) had parts that looked like they were for that purpose.
Again, what sick fuck decided the killing machine needed tits.
"And you just swipe it over the screen next to the door to open it." Penny finished her explanation on how to use a scroll as we finished the tour of Beacon, Glynda having escorted us back to my room.
Considering Glynda hadn't told either of them about rooms for themselves, I had the sinking feeling they were going to be bunking with me.
There's no way that can end badly. Not at all.
"If you ladies will excuse us, Professor Ozpin has asked me to bring back to his office," Glynda said, breaking me from my plotting of how to jailbreak the scroll and/or figure out how it ticked.
"Whatever I'm being blamed for, it wasn't my fault." No idea what I could be blamed for considering I've spent most of my time in Remnant surrounded by people or asleep.
"Ozpin wants to talk to you about future plans, you're not in trouble." Glynda sighed. I wonder if I would end up giving her grey hairs.
I'd done that with all of my high school English teachers, I wouldn't be surprised if I did that to a teacher or two here.
"Ah, so no ones found out about the thing yet." I leaned over to Blake and stage whispered, "Looks like we're in the clear then Felica."
Glynda narrowed her eye's into a glare, but didn't seem to entertain my bullshiting any further beyond that, turning and swiftly walking down the hallway, her heels clicking angrily along the way.
New goal, make her smile by the end of the semester.
And I was off to a great start.
"Good fucking luck pal, she's got a stick so far up her ass it's tickling her scalp. An unfunny fuckwit like you isn't going to get anything but the point of her heel in your scrotum."
Oh, that sounds like a fun Tuesday for me then -Not.
But Momma didn't raise no bitch, I'm going to turn that frown of her's upside-down.
"She didn't raise a bitch, but she sure as shit raised an ignoramus."
There's a fun twelve-point scrabble word, too bad you missed the double and triple tiles.
Me and the system bantered like that the entire elevator ride up to Ozpin's office, which resulted in a fun amount of escalation.
"You are a bleating foal! a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world!"
The elevator dinged open, signaling that I had mere moments to come up with a counter roast.
Time for my ultimate weapon.
"No, you," I muttered under my breath, smirking as I basked in my linguistic genius.
"What was that?" Glynda asked, apparently having heard my ultimate roast.
"Nothing, just winning a mental argument." I flippantly answered. And it was truly a victory since I refused to read any of the pop-up windows my game gave me.
"So what can I do for you, Zoroaster?" I asked the wizard as I strutted into his office, not so slightly jealous of the absolutely amazing view he had of the setting sun in his clockwork office.
"I wanted to discuss the coming semester with you." Ozpin gestured to a seat in front of his desk, "More specifically, you joining Beacon next semester."
"I'd rather not," I replied swiftly, earning a raised brow from the wizard.
"At least, not in the "Join a team" sense of becoming a student," I elaborated, "My presence is already enough of a wrench in the timeline of this series if you tried to sort me onto a team it could be like dumping a toolbox in the timeline."
"That, and I would like to have some level of freedom in how I grind."
"Grind?" Ozpin asked in a tone that only old men who have never played a video game make upon hearing gaming terminology.
"Focus on increasing stats or skill levels." I gestured out the window, "Mountain Glenn is a prime example of a place that will probably be great for me to take a trip to."
"That sounds like suicide." Ozpin frowned, "Even professional hunters only go up there when accompanied by another professional."
"Or a team of second years if I remember correctly." I smirked, "I expect to grow fast, and I believe that fighting for your life is the quickest way to grow."
"Besides, I'm not planning to do it any time soon." I raised a finger, as I added to my statement, "Hoping to go there soon, but I can't plan anything until I know what my growth rate is like."
"Then that brings me to my next point." Ozpin took a sip from his ever-present mug, "I want to put you through a crash course of basic hunter training over the summer break."
"I'd be a fool to reject free training," I scoffed, "How much is left of summer break?"
"It just started last week." Ozpin smiled, "So five months."
What kind of fucking school gives half the year off to killers in training. Fuck it, more time for me to get a tutorial. "Alright then, who's going to teach me what, and when will I get a weapon."
"Glynda will teach you the basics of combat and help you to design your weapon, Bartholomew will get you up to speed on history, and Peter will teach you Grimm biology." Ozpin typed something on his holographic desk, and my scroll buzzed a moment later, "This is the schedule I had drafted in case you agreed to this."
"Nifty," I hummed, "So did you have your chat with the Big Iron?"
"It's worrying that I know who you're referring to." Ozpin sighed, "I plan to speak with him tomorrow."
"I would've thought you'd try and do an emergency call or something." I mean, it's not like Ironwood had his hands in a project that was playing god or anything.
"I originally planned to, but I decided that I probably shouldn't bother James too much while he's trying to deal with a major "asset" disappearing out from under his nose," Ozpin smirked, reminding me that this man had hundreds if not thousands of years to develop strategies for being petty.
And that scared me.
"Well, I think I forgot to mention the skill can also pull things from across the multiverse." I scratched my chin as I added that thought.
"Meaning?"
"I may not have pulled the Penny of this universe..." My eyes widened as I realized the implication of my own statement, "...Or the Blake of this universe."
"Fucking hell!" I hissed, resting my head against the backrest of the chair. Of course, I summoned the two people it would be damn near impossible to verify if they were from this universe.
"That may be a problem." Ozpin hummed, "But one that we may not be able to do much for."
"Unless you know of a way to dismiss or un-summon those affected by your semblance?" Ozpin asked with a raised brow.
"Currently?" I raised my head just enough to look at him over my cheekbones, "Not a fucking clue."
Maybe Naruto logic would also apply to that, but I don't think either would be willing to let us beat the shit out of them to trigger a de-summon by damage, and I have no idea if they could figure out how to un-summon themselves.
That later one was probably the easiest option if it was possible.
"I'll add training your semblance to the schedule," Ozpin said, swiftly typing something up, "I have the sneaking suspicion that it would be best if I'm the one present for that."
"That seems like a wise decision Big Daddy-O." I sighed, "If it turns out I summon any interdimensional doppelgangers, then you can put them on a "team" with me."
My summons, my responsibilities.
"What was that about wanting freedom?" Ozpin's voice was perfectly neutral, which somehow made the humor I knew he got from my change of tune all the greater.
"Oi, don't mock me when I'm doing something mature, that's a good way to make sure it happens less," I grumbled, earning a chuckle from the ancient soul.
"So about your coming talk with Ironwood." I sat up and leaned forward. "I think it would be a great opportunity to change some things."
"What do you have in mind?" He casually sipped from his coffee, but I felt he was taking this seriously.
"Let him in on your secret," I said simply, "Let him and the rest of your circle in on all your secrets."
Ozpin's eye's grew dark as he set his mug down, "There's a reason I keep secret what I do."
"And it comes back to bite you in the ass thrice over." I raise a hand and start counting, "If you tell Iron Wood about your reincarnating then that possibly prevent one of the contributing factors for the fall of Beacon, and keep Iron Wood stable since he'll know he won't be absent your leadership for long."
"So that's two things already that alter the long term plan with the secret that Qrow already knows," I continue, "But telling all of them about what Jinn told you can prevent them from finding out at the wrong time, and help you control how they take it."
"And how, pray tell Alexander, would you tell them that Salem is unstoppable and expect them to continue fighting?" Ozpin sounded angry now. Which I will admit, was mildly terrifying.
"Simple." I stood up, walking around my chair as I put on my best Ozpin impersonation, "Dear friends, I've gathered you here today to tell you a terrible secret that's weighed heavily on me for eons."
"Decades ago, I used the relic of knowledge to ask a simple question." I pretend to grandly gesture with a non-existent cane, "I asked, "Lady Jinn, how do I destroy Salem," and she gave a cruel answer."
"She told me "You can't", and I nearly died on the spot," I looked Ozpin in the eye, hoping that he would see where I was going with this. Considering he now looked about as angry as Glynda was on a good day, I don't think he was paying attention to my subtlety, so I continued, "But I realized something much later, I realized I asked the wrong question!"
"I never asked "Can Salem be stopped," or "who how do I beat her," no, I asked if "I" could "destroy" her." I chuckled how I imagined he would, "Had I had access to a co-operative Spring maiden, I'd ask her the real question…"
"You picking up what I'm putting down, Magic man?" I asked, dropping my oscar awarding impersonation and retaking my seat.
"You want me to trade one lie for another?" Ozpin asked darkly, just a hair above a growly.
"No, Ozpin, I want you to believe you asked the wrong question." I had to resist face-palming, "Because you genuinely asked the wrong question!"
"Ozpin your question was so poorly misworded that I can think of three issues with your question off the top of my head." I raised a hand and started counting off, "You asked how you could destroy her, which could mean either that form of you couldn't, or that you wouldn't be the one to destroy her."
I lifted a third finger as I continued, "Not to mention you asked how she could be 'destroyed' rather than 'defeated'. Which are two different win conditions."
Ozpin's eyes softened, as I seemingly got through to him, or at least laid the seed of doubt in the nihilistic conclusion he had long since accepted.
"Ozpin, the most powerful set of Silver eyes you've seen in half a millennia is sitting in a shack on Patch eating cookies right now, you've got the head of the most powerful military biting at the bit to put his army to use," I grinned, "I wouldn't say it's a lie to say that if you played your cards right, you could defeat Salem in the next few years."
Ozpins demeanor changed ever so slightly, his shoulders sagging slightly as he released a long-held tension.
"I think I really needed to hear that," Ozpin muttered, resting his head in his hands.
"Of course there's a checklist a mile long for you to get that far, but having a list means you have a clear objective." I chuckled, "Hell, I could probably make you a physical checklist."
"Anything you know that could be of help would be appreciated." Ozpin smiled softly.
"Like a crippled silver-eyed old lady that could teach Ruby?" I literally just remembered her.
Ozpin shot up like a rocket at hearing that, "Come again?"
"Yeah, Maria something or other, she was nicknamed the "Grim Reaper" and she had silver eyes." I grimaced, eye-related injuries always wigged me out, "I think she was somewhere in Mistral, although I think Penny's dad was close with her."
"Add that onto the things to ask Iron Dick about." I added, "You should probably make sure he's here when you tell him your secrets."
I glared down at his desk, "I don't trust all this fancy tech further than I can throw it, and I have no idea what the state of cybersecurity looks like in Remnant."
I mean, for fucks sake, Cinder was able to break into the CCT tower and upload a virus that wormed its way into Ozpin's personal system, and then effortlessly jumped into Ironwood's personal scroll.
I mean sure, it was probably made by Authur, who I had heard had his finger in all of Atlus's tech pies, but still. There should be more safeguards.
"I'll make sure to arrange that with James." Ozpin looked thoughtful. Which made sense since I probably just laid the seeds for three different cognition rewires, "Would you like to be there?"
And miss the chance to call Tin Man every nickname I have for him? I'd be an idiot not to!
"You already are an Idiot." I chose a bad time to actually read a game notification.
"I would love to be there," Even if I had to be gagged just to be let into the room, it would be fun to watch them all deal with the revelations Ozpin was going to drop on them.
"I'll make sure you're there then." Ozpin rose from his desk and made his way towards me, "Now, I know this went so well the last time I asked you to do it,"
"You want me to use my semblance again?" I asked incredulously.
"I've only seen it once, and I would like to imagine it can do more than summon naked women." Ozpin laughed softly.
"Your funeral." I shrugged. I stood and checked my aura before preparing to use Ozpins desk as my slapping target for my summon.
Aura: 1400
I was going to have to figure out the regen on that thing at some point. I at least had the ultra-specific range of 'several hours' to work with as a minimum.
Here goes nothing!
I slammed my hand onto the table and shouted "Summoning!"
A significantly smaller cloud of smoke exploded over Ozpins desk, obscuring whatever I had summoned from view.
-198 Aura
Oh, that cost wasn't so bad, I wonder what I got.
"Summons Identified:"
Name: Necronomicon
Status: Oh boy have you fucked up.
Skill: Identify Summon Level Up
Wait a minute, Necronomicon? The "Kitab al Azif'' Necronomicon? The Necronomicon that contains eldritch secrets and caused a lot of bullshit in HP Lovecraft's stories?
"Fuck!" I shouted, grabbing Ozpin by his collar and getting right up in his face, "I need you to find the deepest hole you can, dig it three times as deep, and drop this book and as much cement as possible on top of it!"
"What book?" Two words have never filled me with such dread before as I slowly looked at the dissipating cloud of smoke, finding a perfectly clean desk.
"Good God, what have I done," I uttered, horrified at what eldritch nightmares may soon be unleashed upon this land.
That or a shit ton of tentacle hentai was about to happen.
Fun Fact dear audience, I have a list of random shit/people to summon that's going to be rolled every time the summon skill is going to be used. The only exception was Blake since the plot thread I had in mind for her was time-sensitive in the context of this story.
Anyway's whisper Eldritch things to me in the comments/reviews,
And h̷a̷v̶e̵ a̴̖̍͒ ̴͔́g̸̞͐ọ̵̫̍͒o̷̜̿d̷͍̓ w̸̻̔ḥ̸̡̗̣̾̿̅̕a̶̱̎̃t̴̛͔̦̱͒̌̎͝ẻ̸̝̳̫̜̩͆̅̇͒v̵̟̫͖̰͗͗̓͐e̶͊͜͠r̸̦̲̬͎̔́̑ n̷͈̤̮͉͗͋̍o̶͓̳̝͚̣̥̜͐̈̈́́̆̀ẅ̷̦̼́̑̆͜!̴̛̖͖̬͈̉̿͑͌͛́̅