Harry was angry. The mean and greedy goblins of Gringotts had been loaning out his gold to poor people trying to start their own businesses. This was an outrage.

"Hermione, Ron," he said, "I am going to get my revenge on the goblins of Gringotts."

"You can't do that," Hermione said. "You'll break the Goblin Treaty of Breton Woods, causing them to declare a genocidal war against all of humanity—"

But Harry ignored her. He was already out the door.


"It's actually perfectly legal," said Griphook at Gringotts. "We're a bank. This is how we make more money."

"That's usury, which is against something."

"The only thing that prohibits usury is the Christian Bible, which doesn't apply to goblins," said Griphook. "We're Mesopotamian polytheists. We worship Mammon."

"Fuck you Griphook," Harry said. "I'm withdrawing all my gold and using it to buy shares of Gamestop."

Griphook paused. "Okay," he said. "You could always do that."

"Wait what," Harry said. "You're letting me?"

"Yes," said Griphook. "We only lend out gold because people ask us to and we give them a cut of the interest. We assumed you were okay with it."

"I was never told of this," said Harry independently.

"Your account manager, Albus Dumbledore, told us you were okay with it," Griphook said, staring into Harry's emerald orbs. "But, you know, we offer investment management services, and I highly recommend diversification—"

"Sorry Griphook. I'm going all in on GME."


At Hogwarts, Harry stormed into Dumbledore's office.

"Harry dear boy," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling merrily, "You have to sell your shares of Gamestop.

"And why the fuckity fuck would I do that Fumbledork?" Harry said darkly.

"Hogwarts is a big investor in a whole bunch of hedge funds. If they go under Hogwarts will fall and Voldemort will win."

"I don't care," Harry said. "I don't believe you."

"Okay Harry I'm lying. Ninety percent of my net worth is in hedge funds that require Gamestop to fail by tomorrow. But if I kill you or brainwash you, as your magical guardian your interest in Gamestop will revert to me and then I can sell. I'm sorry Harry it's for the Greater Good."

He raised the Elder Wand and pointed it at Harry. But then Fawkes came and pecked out Dumbledore's eyeballs, causing him to scream in the agony of an intraday volatility measured in the double digits. Harry didn't care though. Dumbledore deserved to suffer for his attempted market manipulation.

When Fawkes burst into flames incinerating the market manipulator's body, Harry was left alone in Dumbledore's office. He could only think of one thing to say as he quickly became the richest man on earth.

"I like the stock."


The fate of Albus Dumbledore is over the top, and, contrary to the text, probably not justified for the reasons given.

If you liked this story, you may be interested in two other of my satirical works: A Shot Through Prongs's Heart, and HPRick and MoRty