434I needed to go and meet Bella 45 minutes ago but I am trapped and things are looking bleaker than ever!
We returned from Florida (her by American Airlines, me by DHL), after a relatively uneventful visit with Bella's mother, who happens to have the loudest thoughts I have ever heard! My brain feels sore from the constant mental shouting. Anyway, I had scheduled a passionate kissing session due to start 42 minutes and 12 seconds ago to soothe my weary soul and thoroughly re-scent Bella, but it has all gone awry, thanks to the world's most bothersome potato, Emmett.
Before I was delivered this morning, he somehow found a stash of several thousand tiny rare earth magnets- which are number 12 on Esme's list of banned items, and for good reason! It seems he realised he was in trouble with Esme after the Great Chandelier Catastrophe of 1993, then absconded to the (then deserted) Forks house to bury his hoard in the yard, much like a squirrel, and rediscovered them this morning in a similar fashion.
Emmett's 'mind' reveals he quickly set his gigantic shovel hands to 'scoop' and began eating his magnetic booty post-haste. This, incidentally, is the very reason why they were banned in the first place. Whilst shovelling and swallowing, Mr. Potato Head formulated a plan to hasten to the nearest scrap yard, just outside Port Angeles, and swing around on their gigantic car lifting magnet, which Mrs. Potato Head (Jasper) agreed to operate in a show of breathtakingly poor judgement. Emmet seems to have planned to see just how far he could 'fly' while shouting 'wheeeeeeeee' at window smashing volume. Jasper finds this kind of buffoonery absolutely irresistible to observe and planned his own glut of emotional vampirism, feeding directly off the gleeful yam as he swung him to and fro. I am so very disappointed in them both.
Emmett inevitably made it no further than the garage before becoming affixed to the side of the Volvo, which I had entered just moments before. Being parked neatly between the Vanquish and Alice's Porshe, and backed in tightly, I am now without any route of escape from the Volvo and am assaulted by Emmett's hulking gut squished up against my driver side window. Since Emmett is also stuck to Alice's Porshe it is not even possible to simply drive to Bella's with him stuck to the car like some kind of cursed, elephantine windshield bug. What's worse- he has already scratched the paintwork AND activated the Volvo's superlative crumple zone on that side!
Jasper immediately squeaked and ran off into the woods to hide like the abominable weak-kneed stooge he is. Curse him!
I tried to escape via the moon roof, but only succeeded in mussing my bouffant. I eventually got my arm through and administered several angry slaps to the underside of Emmett's chin, but this served only to increase the mental volume at which he was singing the haunting refrain of Eiffel 65's Blue (Da Ba Dee). I am too afraid to try again for fear of irreparable damage to my now perilously fragile grasp on sanity.
My phone refuses to work, probably due to the large magnetic field in effect, so I cannot even call Bella. I have been hissing very loudly throughout, but all that has accomplished so far is to dampen the upholstery.
I am soggy, smoochless and thoroughly chagrined.
Emmett is now complaining of a tummy ache and we both know there is only one way those magnets are ever going to be purged from his system. I do hope the moon roof's rubber seals hold up to the impending shower of neodymium filled venom!
Why does it always happen to me?
And why is it always Emmett?
Commenters get to dab the upholstery dry with Edward.
A/N: Thank you to everyone reading, the lovely commenters and anyone else who drops by.
For N: You're such a wonderful friend and I'm so glad I met you xoxoxo