320Thank you for all the reviews, follows, and favorites for the first chapter. It is overwhelming.
I forgot to write in the chapter one author's note that dgschneider is my beta this time but I think you all figured it out. She does a fantastic job in correcting all my grammar errors and bad wording when I try to use German sayings and expressions. She is helpful when I am at a loss for words (because my vocabulary is limited) and understands perfectly what I want to say but couldn't write. My big thanks and love go to her.
I also forgot the disclaimer that Bones isn't mine, I am only using the characters for creating my own story.
With all that said… let's go on with the story.
Booth definitely gave Brennan enough time and space, more than he liked actually. After solving the case of the wine critic they hadn't seen or talked to each other for several days. Not even a phone call.
That was unusual for them. They normally found a reason to meet for lunch or dinner whether they had a case or not. Could it be that this baby-making thing was already keeping them apart? It certainly felt like it.
But on the other hand, it gave him time to think, a lot of time to think. Which he needed because he was still unsure if he was happy about the situation or horrified. The pros and cons were constantly swirling around in his mind. It was keeping him awake at night.
He was over the moon to be a father again and with her. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't fantasized about a life with Bones, a home, a family, the white picket fence, the whole thing. Already he was thinking about whether he wanted a boy or a girl. Funny that his visions always seemed to end with a little girl with dark curls and fascinating blue eyes. That was definitely one of the pros. God, he wanted that.
On the other side, he was frightened of what all this would do to their friendship, not to mention their work relationship. Would they be the same? Of course not, even now, when the baby wasn't even made, it was influencing their everyday interactions. They weren't as easy and relaxed around each other anymore. The baby thing was already standing between them, there was no doubt in his mind, driving them apart instead of uniting them. That needed to be addressed and soon. But where to start? He had no idea.
He loved Bones, he was sure about that, now more than ever. He wanted her to have their baby, but he wanted more and, sadly, he knew she didn't. And that was eating him from the inside out and making him angry. There was this undertow of anger always lingering under the surface whenever he thought about her and the whole situation.
Brennan, on the other hand, wasn't so much thinking about the impact on their partnership as the impact on her personal life. She got excited about the idea of a baby being part of her life. Her thoughts centered on planning a life with a little human around. The more she thought about it, the more Booth became a part of the picture. He'd offered to help and she knew he would love their child. He would be a great father, she'd watched how he was around Parker and it would just be the same with their child, she was sure of that.
But how much was she willing to let him in, to let him be a part of this new life she was creating? If she was honest with herself, what she really feared were the emotional attachments she couldn't control. The thought of loving someone and being left behind again was too much to think about. It would be better to keep this clinical, she kept coming back to that, strictly medical terms and procedures, strict guidelines regarding his involvement.
And then her doctor called to give her the day and time of the insemination. Now she couldn't hide in her thoughts anymore, she had to talk to Booth. She had no choice.
§§§
It was a Friday night and Booth was at home watching a basketball game. He was relaxing on his couch, t-shirt, sweatpants, and a bag of chips. It was his way to end a week when he was not out celebrating a closed case with Bones or meeting her at the Founding Fathers for no reason at all. They often found an excuse to spend time together on Friday nights.
But not this Friday. Everything was different, uncomfortably different. She hadn't talked to him for a whole week and he was missing her badly, just not bad enough to reach out to her. If she needed time to work this out then he decided she could have whatever time she needed. She would have to be the one to reach out to him, to make the first move but she hadn't. Which is why he was surprised to hear a knock at his door. He grinned, he always recognized her knock because it was as special and unique as Bones herself.
He opened the door to find her standing there a little unsure whether he would be happy to see her after she avoided him all week. He could see it in her eyes, which were speaking volumes to him. It touched his heart immediately. Oh, Bones, he thought, how could you ever worry about that. You should know by now that I'm always happy to see you. Always. He gave her his best smile to put her at ease. "Hey, Bones, long time no see." He waved his hand to usher her in.
"Come in. Take a seat." She slipped past him and went directly to the couch where she sat down. The way she was sitting there, at the edge of the couch gave the impression she was about to deliver some kind of bad news, then instantly get up and leave again.
It broke his heart to see her so distant and reserved around him. It reminded him of when they first met. She'd been exactly like this but they were past all that, at least he'd thought they were. Bones, please don't hide in your shell again. He was hurting for her. This was not supposed to divide them, but it sure felt like it already was.
Booth stood in the door of his kitchen for a minute and watched her, taking her in. "Wanna have a beer?" She only nodded at him, so full of anxiety she couldn't even speak. Opening his fridge he grabbed two bottles.
His eyes lingering on her while she looked around the room, as if she hadn't been here so many times he couldn't even count. It was like she felt somehow strange and out of place in his home. What was going on in that beautiful mind of hers? He popped the bottles open and went back to the living room, handing her one bottle as he sat down in his leather chair, opposite of her.
After a sip or two, Brennan sat picking at the label of the beer bottle. Booth felt the tension radiating from her. She still hadn't spoken, not a word and that was worrying him. "Hey," he smiled at her. "What's up?" She couldn't even look at him, which Booth took as a bad sign.
"I have the appointment for my insemination." There, it was out. She looked up to meet his eyes immediately to take in his reaction. He was taking a deep breath.
Game on, he thought, here we go.
Her words hung in the air. "Uhh, thank you for telling me." Obviously, she remembered that he wanted to be a part of every step. That was good. He shifted a little forward in his chair to come a bit closer to her, bending forward and resting his elbows on his knees.
"It's next Thursday at 2:00 pm." She rubbed her hands over her thighs. He could feel how nervous she was. Okay, so it was getting to her too, good to know, he thought.
Booth would try his best to break the stalemate they were in. This baby thing should bring them together, not drive them apart. But it felt like she was already drifting away from him even while she was sitting right there, not even a couple feet away. He couldn't let that happen. Not now, not ever. He wanted to be involved, that's what he had told her and he meant it.
He bent forward and took her hand in both of his to connect with her and show her that he cared, that they were still partners in every way possible. "Do you want me to come with you? Do you need a ride? I mean..." He shrugged, trying to keep things casual, nonchalant.
Chocolate browns met deep blues and finally, something clicked. He felt the tension leaving her body. The old Bones was crawling back to the surface and he was elated.
"Oh, I can drive there for myself, Booth." She smiled at him. "It's not like there's any anesthesia involved, if that's what you thought." He nodded.
"Okay, I don't really know much about that…" His words drifted off.
She hesitated, closing her eyes momentarily before taking in a deep breath. "But if you want to come with me, that's fine with me." She looked at him. "I mean, you are the father, after all..." She shrugged, trying to match his demeanor. It was good that they were talking but still felt awkward as they tiptoed around the subject and each other.
He gave her a worrying glance. "You sure?" He leaned back in his chair. "I don't really know what happens there, I mean, are you comfortable with me being around for that part?" He looked hesitant. "It seems like it would be pretty, you know...private..." He gestured to her with his open hand and gave her a nod. "I mean I would understand if you wanna be alone…I mean, in there…when they, you know..." He flushed, this conversation had taken a really awkward turn.
She shook her head. "Booth, if I understood you right, you made it very clear to me that you wanted to be involved. 'Every step,' is what you said, if I remember correctly." She pointed with her open palm for emphasis. "That would include the insemination, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, and of course the birth of our child." She smiled. "There's obviously a point at which we can't keep it completely private, wouldn't you agree?"
Booth's ears had got pretty pink listening to her. But she was right, from what he remembered about Rebecca's pregnancy, there wasn't a whole lot of...privacy in pregnancy and childbirth, they'd have to become a little bit more comfortable around each other. It would have to be a part of this agreement.
"Okay, so tell me exactly what will happen next Thursday at the clinic so I'm prepared."
During their conversation Brennan leaned back, settling into the couch, which was a good sign she was feeling more comfortable. Booth moved out of his chair to sit next to her. There was no threat of her suddenly leaving now and he was glad about that. She turned her head to him to get his full attention. He could see the relief in her eyes as their conversation turned away from the personal and she settled into the science of it all.
"After your donation, the semen was washed," she watched his questioning expression deciding to answer before he even asked. "Of course not really washed, it's a medical term. It separates the healthy motile sperm from the rest of the specimen preparing it for insemination."
"I thought my boys were super healthy." There was a questioning tone in his voice and he sounded just a little offended at the thought that they needed washing.
"Booth, all specimens have some dead sperm in them, it's not a reflection on you. Plus there are other enzymes, proteins, and fluids that aren't desirable to mix with the egg. It's washed then it's ready to be frozen to preserve the sample. On Thursday, shortly before we have our appointment, it will be taken from the freezer to defrost. This is why we absolutely have to be on time. It will only be good for one hour once it's defrosted, then it will perish."
Listening to her explain the medical facts was easier than talking about the intimacy of the situation and he found himself oddly at ease.
"When it is completely defrosted it will be inserted into a long syringe, specially designed for this kind of insemination." Booth's eyes widened his expression one of pure horror. Brennen sniggered. "This syringe doesn't have a sharp needle at the end like if you were getting an injection, Booth. It's made of plastic with no sharp edges and it's only about 20% percent the size of an average erect penis and it's the average length so it's not painful at all." He gulped, they were back to uncomfortable topics again. His mind was frantically trying to get that picture out of his mind when she added to the horrific image.
"This long syringe is the only way to bring the semen right in front of the cervix, so the sperm can easily reach its goal!" She motioned with her hand, emphasizing what she was talking about.
His frustration was boiling up again. He couldn't help it, it just came to his mind and he blurted it out. "You know, Bones, there's another way to bring sperm just in front of a cervix, right?" He was blunt, but he felt like it had to be said. Certainly, it needed to be part of their conversation.
She looked down at her hands, her voice very small. "I know, Booth, but having sex, having an orgasm releases oxytocin, that is the hormone that's responsible for bonding." She paused, still looking down, unable or unwilling to look at him directly. "It would create an emotional tie between us and I don't know if I am willing to take this step."
"Yeah," the hurt in his voice was sharp like his tone and undeniable, "that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it, emotional ties between us." He stood up and walked in the direction of the window looking out into the night. "We sure wouldn't want thatto happen now would we." Didn't she see that there were already bonds between them, even long before this whole baby thing came up? Was their friendship not an emotional tie?
He stood there, his shoulders sagged. He couldn't look at her or he'd say something he'd regret deeply. He needed to calm down a bit, so he stood there, took a deep breath, tried to reason his way through it. He knew where this was coming from. She was terrified of emotions, terrified to love someone. He scoffed. Max had done this to her, leaving his kids behind like he did. There was no excuse for it. None. The real question was, how was he going to fix it?
He knew he had to go back to her on the couch. Reassure her, that he was fine with the situation, that they would be fine, that their friendship would survive these hurdles. But he first had to persuade himself and that was easier said than done.
He heard her get up and step behind him. She stood so close to him that he could feel her breath on his neck. "I am sorry, Booth." He felt her take a deep breath. "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation. I'm sorry that I can't take that step, that I need to keep it clinical. I know that's hard on you." She paused, her voice sounded small and vulnerable. "I just can't risk getting hurt again...I just can't do it."
They were standing there for some time, neither one making a move, hanging on their separate thoughts. Not touching but so close that they literally felt each other's presence, both breathing deeply and eventually in unison. Suddenly Booth turned around and hugged her tight to his chest. One hand stroking her hair gently to soothe her.
"It's okay, Bones." He pressed in a bit tighter, he was tearing up. "I understand!" He felt a knot forming in his throat. "It's just hard for me to process. I'll adjust, I promise."
They stood there for a long time, he rocked her in his arms as they tried to find their common ground again, which seemed so difficult. This whole situation was pulling them out of balance. Finally, they parted. She gave him a shy smile. "Thank you, Booth." Headed back to the couch he grabbed her hand and pulled but she didn't budge. Their arms were stretched out between them as far as they could reach before he dropped her hand.
"Come on, Bones, the night's still young and I don't have plans." He smiled at her." And I'm guessing you don't either, right? And don't say you're going back to the lab because that's just not happening, got it?"
He sat down and patted the couch next to him, silently asking her to join him. She complied but seemed stiff and hesitant. Flashing him a questioning glance as if she was wondering what his intentions were.
"Let's watch a movie." He nudged her with his shoulder and flashed that famous charm smile to put her at ease. "Your choice."
She beamed at him, her smile a great relief to his troubled heart. "An old John Wayne movie would be nice, right?"
"John Wayne it is." He lifted his arms to scratch his neck. "Hey, I'm starving. What about you? Have you had dinner already?" She shook her head. "So how about we order some food? Is Thai okay?"
"I would like that very much." She smiled at him, elated by how their evening was turning out and so relieved to be doing something so ordinary for them. It felt like they were their old selves again. "But order more fried noodles this time. Last time you ate most of mine."
He laughed, standing to look for the video, pulling his phone out to order their food. This was good. It felt like their talk had put them back on track. At least he hoped so.
§§§
Monday morning brought a new case which kept them busy until Wednesday evening. There was hardly time to meet outside of work because the case was difficult to solve and they had to work overtime to get the job done. They were so busy they never discussed the Thursday afternoon appointment, which somehow made it feel far off, like it wasn't about to happen.
Wednesday evening the squints all met for a celebratory drink at the Founding Fathers. When they finally parted ways late in the evening, Booth accompanied Brennan to her car. That was the first non-work-related moment they'd had together all week long.
"So, when do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?"
Brennan looked at Booth, eyes wide with surprise. She thought he'd forgotten about the appointment. She'd half expected him to chicken out. What surprised her even more was that he brought it up before she'd had a chance to mention it herself.
"Let's see, it's easily a half an hour drive to the clinic and we absolutely have to be on time so you should pick me up let's say no later than 1:00 pm." She looked at him. "Is that okay for you?"
"I promised you I'd be there." He locked eyes with her. "I'll be there."
She gave him a warm smile back. "Thank you, Booth." She turned to her car but looked back giving him one last smile.
"Night, Bones." He went to his car. He had avoided thinking about their appointment tomorrow all week but he couldn't any longer. He wasn't ready but there was no going back now. It all came back full force. All the worries, all the questions, and anxieties came bubbling right back up. He needed more time but time was the one thing he didn't have.
So thanks again so much for reading and if you liked it, leave me a review.