Chapter 1 : The addiction

Abby watched the subway leave the platform knowing it was now all over. John was gone and he was not going to come back to her.

She walked out of the station, her mind empty of thoughts. Her body felt the same. She barely looked up, watched what way she was going but somehow, she ended up in front of her door. Her shift was not over and she hadn't told anyone she was leaving but nothing could make her walk back in there. All she wanted, all her body was begging for was to lay down and let go. She slowly opened the door and stood in the doorway. She looked at her cold, silent and empty apartment. She was almost expecting him to walk out of the bathroom or to catch him standing behind her but deep inside she knew it would not happen. She walked in, closing the door behind her and stood there for a few minutes. She did not want to forget anything. The sound of his footsteps on the floor of the apartment, the sound of the coffee machine in the morning when he would make her breakfast, the sound of his voice when he would whisper in her ear how beautiful she was while laying in bed together, the sound of him moaning when he was making love to her or the sound of the door opening after his shift when he would come around. She did not want to forget on which chair he would put his jacket, on what side of the sink he would put the bottle of his perfume or even what his perfume would smell like. She did not want to lay in bed and have his odour disappear from his side of the bed. She just wanted it to stay the same.

After long minutes standing at the door, observing the empty apartment, she took a few steps. She touched the coffee cup that John had left on the table that morning. It took a few seconds for Abby to start being drowned in her emotions. She fell to the floor in a deafening silence.

I don't know how long I stayed there. An hour or maybe or maybe a whole day. I could hear the subways arriving and departing the station again and again. I could hear my neighbours walking up and down the stairs. I could hear my phone ringing a couple times. I think I heard his voice on the voicemail. But I stopped listening and I just closed my eyes. I just wanted the world to go away. I needed a break. I deserved a break. I had lost the only thing that was keeping me together. The only reason I had to stay away from alcohol and to keep going in general. Had Carter never been a part of my life I think I would've ended up in a terrible situation. Now that he had decided that my very occasional and controlled drinking was a problem and that it would stop him from being able to be with me, I was all alone.

There was nothing left for me to do here anymore. Nothing I wanted to do either. With John gone, nothing would ever make sense. I was falling asleep again when I felt the floor under me disappear.