'Kanan?' Ezra called out timidly and knocked gently at the older jedi's door. Ezra waited several long and tense moments until Kanan's voice on the other side bade him enter and he did so hesitantly.
Kanan sat on his knees in the middle of the room, a thin cushion under him to protect him from the cold, hard steel floor. His hands were resting on his thighs, his mask cast off and resting on the bedside table. Kanan's eyes were closed as he meditated and the sight of his marred face filled Ezra with a shame so great it made him want to be sick. He didn't know which was worse to see: Kanan with his eyes closed so he could get a good look at the scars across his master's face; scars he had caused, or when Kanan opened his eyes to look at him with those cloudy, sightless orbs. Kanan said that he didn't blame Ezra for the loss of his sight and for the most part the younger man believed him, but the guilt would never truly leave Ezra and the way that Kanan was so sullen and withdrawn from everyone- especially Ezra- made the padawan suspect that the assurance had been hollow.
"What is it Ezra?" Kanan asked him in his soft voice, the one that Ezra lived to hear, the one he relished hearing call his name. The tone was not the same, though, not the voice of a strong jedi leader and a man with life still in him. Kanan these days just sounded...tired.
"I was wondering if you wanted to do some training with me," Ezra said awkwardly and rubbed the back of his head. The slight frown that marred his teacher's face at the words cut him to the bone.
"I don't think we'll be duelling lightsabers again any time soon kid," Kanan said heavily, his blank stare focused in Ezra's general direction and over his shoulder.
"Well no, but we could always train with the force. You're always telling me i could use more focus."
At that Kanan snickered a short, cruel laugh. "Ezra, you opened a sith holocron. Your powers are beyond anything i can teach you."
It was a good thing that Kanan couldn't see the tears rolling down Ezra's cheeks. "Master..."
"You don't have to call me that anymore, Ezra. A blind jedi's not much of a teacher."
"Kanan, it'll never be enough but I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen to you. It was my mistake to trust Maul and you paid for it. I should have been the one he blinded, not you. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you and I'm sorry I let myself get fooled by him." Ezra fell to his knees and the tears flowed freely while his hands curled into fists on the ground. "Please don't turn your back on me. I can do better. If it takes me the rest of my life, I'll make it up to you. I'll become the jedi you thought I could be when we first met. Please, just don't stay angry with me."
A clumsy hand reached out and found his shoulder, fixed its grip tighter on him and gave him a stern shake.
"Ezra, hey, I said I never blamed you and I meant it."
"Then why do you avoid me at every turn now? Why do you spend all your time locked in here and never speak to me anymore? Why did you stop our training?"
"Ezra, I can't see anymore. I can't possibly train you. You were already catching up to me with your jedi skills and now I can't do anything more to help you. I'm useless now, Ezra, don't you get it? I can't help Hera man the ship, I can't help Sabine and Zeb on missions and I can't train you. All I am is in the way now." The older man's voice broke and the pain in his face expressed the tears that could not fall from his ruined eyes anymore. Without thinking Ezra grabbed the hand on his shoulder and took the one in his lap as well, held them tightly and opened himself up to the force. The wave of grief and self-loathing crashed into him, dropped his stomach out from under him and caused new tears to fall. There was no malice in his master, no anger or resentment for what happened to him, only a profound sense of loss and fear. Fear that he wouldn't be needed anymore.
Ezra reached out and grabbed Kanan in a hug and pressed the older man into him, held a hand to the back of Kanan's head and pressed his cheek into the other man's hair. To Ezra's surprise and undying relief Kanan accepted the gesture and he felt Kanan's body shake with sobs that ripped through them both. Ezra held the man closer while Kanan cried into his shoulder, Ezra holding the older man as tight as he could.
"I don't care if you can fight anymore, Kanan, and you're worth more to me than just what you can do for me. You've always been there when I needed you. You were always so calm and patient with me. You taught me how to be the same way. I would have listened to all of Maul's lies and got taken in by the dark side but it was you that saved me." Ezra hesitated to say the words but he couldn't keep them inside any longer. "I love you, Kanan."
Kanan slowly pulled away from the younger man and Ezra let him go, watched his master's face for any clues as to what Kanan was thinking or how he felt about the admission.
The older jedi smiled kindly at Ezra and the look stung the boy.
"I feel the same way, Ezra."
Ezra reached out and placed a hand on Kanan's face, rubbed his thumb along the other man's strong jawline, and the gesture caught Kanan by surprise and he opened his mouth to argue but Ezra cut him off.
"I don't think you understand, master," Ezra said in a soft voice and leaned in, pressed his lips against Kanan's in a kiss. The older man jerked and made a grunt of surprise but didn't pull away or stop Ezra.
"Ezra...I...we can't! You're just confused," Kanan stumbled, fighting for calm and struggling to find words through his shock.
"I'm not confused, Kanan. I love you. I think about you all the time. I want to be near you. I want to touch you." So saying he let his other hand brush up the man's thigh and Kanan's breath caught in his throat.
"Ezra, jedi aren't allowed to succumb to their emotions," he managed to finally stutter, his voice shaking slightly. His face was flushed.
"But you can love Hera, can't you? Is it me then?"
"Yes! But not like you think. I'm not a full jedi, Ezra. I turned my back on the force and shut myself off from it. No matter what I do now, I'll never be the jedi i could have. You still could be a great knight but not if you allow these emotions to control you."
"If being a jedi means I can't allow myself to feel this way then I don't think I want to be one. Jedi are supposed to protect people and care about them but how can we do that if we don't allow ourselves to feel love?"
"It's not the jedi way."
"So? The old ways of the jedi got them killed. Maybe this is a new path for them, one where we're allowed to face how we feel instead of trying to hide from it and pretend we don't have emotions. I want you Kanan, and I can't pretend otherwise."
"Ezra," Kanan breathed nervously and the younger man leaned in again, kissed his mentor with all the passion he'd been hiding from. Kanan's lips, slightly parted in surprise, welcomed him in as Ezra gently forced his tongue past them, tasted Kanan and relished in the joy of it. His hand found the back of Kanan's head and fisted in the man's hair as he dared force himself in deeper, waiting for the moment Kanan would resist him or pull away.
The older jedi did neither. He gave a soft moan and to Ezra's everlasting pleasure kissed him back, stroked his eager tongue with his own while his hands ran up over Ezra's back wantingly. Taking the invitation Ezra's hand roamed higher on the older man's thigh, fingers brushing lightly and testingly across Kanan's bulge which was rapidly filling his pants. The pleasurable moan the older man let out against Ezra's mouth made the padawan shudder in desire and his hands worked to undo the belt Kanan wore to free his manhood. Kanan was far less certain with his motions, his hands hesitantly finding their way under Ezra's shirt and caressing his thin but well-toned stomach. Ezra took hold of Kanan's cock with a firm grip and gave a few slow strokes, causing Kanan to throw his head back with another moan. Unable to help himself ezra leaned in and kissed the man's exposed neck, nibbled gently along his jaw and ran his tongue down to Kanan's collar, leaving a wet trail. He released Kanan's member reluctantly to free his hands so he could undo the strap that held on Kanan's shoulder guard, then tossed the item carelessly aside. The jedi's shirt came next, exposing his muscled chest and powerful shoulders and ezra sucked in a surprised breath and sat back a moment to enjoy the view.
"Kanan, I had no idea," Ezra said with a hungry smile and ran his hands over the older man's unexpected muscles, through the soft brown hair that covered his chest and made a trail down his stomach to his bush.
Kanan smiled awkwardly, his face flushed with desire and embarrassment. "Chasing after you and saving your ass keeps me in shape."
A slight frown creased Kanan's face. 'Ezra, I've never done anything like this before. With a man, I mean. I...I don't know what i should be doing.'
Ezra huffed a laugh and grinned even though Kanan couldn't see it. "Don't worry, master," Ezra said breathlessly, leaning in for another kiss. "Let me be the teacher for once."
Kanan nodded enthusiastically and let Ezra guide him to his feet, the younger man's hands sliding beneath his waistband and helping him out of the rest of his clothes. Ezra's warm hands withdrew from Kanan's wanting body long enough for the younger man to shed his own clothes in a hurry and kick them out of the way. He placed a hand, fingers splayed wide, on Kanan's back between his shoulders, and gave the man a firm nudge until he was bent over his own bunk. Kanan looked back over his shoulder at Ezra nervously, a mildly concerned frown on his face.
"Just relax, Kanan," Ezra assured him in a comforting voice , forcing him down until he was on his knees and resting his weight on the bed with his firm ass exposed and calling to Ezra. The younger man knelt down and grabbed each cheek in hand, spread them apart and began to gently lick Kanan's puckering hole. The older man let out a moan so sweet that Ezra's cock twitched in delight and Kanan's hands clenched in the covers. Ezra's tongue continued to work, flicking delicately about and plunging in when Kanan was least expecting it. Shudders of pleasure shook the man and the way he gasped out Ezra's name quietly was music to the younger man's ears. He slid one finger along side his tongue and gave an experimental nudge against Kanan's anus, which accepted the intrusion easily, allowing Ezra to slide the entire length inside. Kanan gasped again, louder this time, and his back arched and he instinctively drove back against Ezra's hand, relishing in the unusual sensation. Ezra was only too happy to oblige and continued to work the area with his tongue, covering Kanan's opening with a slick layer to ease the passage of the second finger Ezra laid alongside the first. He could feel the older man tense against him and he sucked in a sharp breath but didn't tell Ezra to stop so the padawan continued. Kanan continued to moan and his hands tightened into fists in the blanket on the bed while he continued to moan and gasp for breath. The overwhelming pleasant sensation stopped for a moment and Kanan looked back over his shoulder; a force of habit. Ezra got up off his knees and with one hand on Kanan's backside and the other holding his own throbbing cock he eased himself into the other man.
Kanan bit off a cry that turned into a drawn out moan while one hand reached around and grabbed at Ezra's wrist. The younger man proceeded slowly, mindful of his inexperienced partner's discomfort. After the initial shock Kanan's body relaxed and Ezra dove deep inside the older man, plunging himself inside Kanan's warm insides until his balls were smacking skin. He thrust in and out with a measured rhythm, slowly at first while Kanan got used to his girth, then faster as Kanan's gasps and moans grew in intensity. Pleasure welled up inside Ezra and he forced himself to concentrate so as not to bring an end too quickly to the moment. He reached around underneath Kanan and found his dick, took hold of it in a firm grip and began to stroke it in time with his rocking hips.
"Ezra, I'm going to cum," Kanan gasped out breathlessly, music to the padawan's ears, and the younger man grinned stupidly to himself and increased his efforts. Within moments Kanan cried out in ecstasy, loud enough to be heard in the halls of the Ghost had they not been alone on the ship, and Kanan's body shuddered in release. Ezra gave a few more strokes to watch Kanan ride the waves of pleasure until they became almost unbearable, then gave a few final thrusts of his own before he could hold back no longer and blew his load inside the older man. He hunched over on top of Kanan, still balls deep inside him, and took a moment to relish in the moment.
"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that,' he said with a smirk, pulling his spent cock out with a wet sound and rolling onto the bed next to Kanan to catch his breath.