Hey! Roxy Goth here. So...this idea came to me in a flash. And I thought - why not write it?
So, at this point in the Looney Tunes universe it is the year 1952. Elmer Fudd is 17 and Bugs is 14. Not that there ages technically matter much because - they're toons, but it's something to bear in mind.
I've used a couple of my own headcanons in here, which are on tumblr under 'thebrownssociaty', if anyone's interested. But I don't think you have to read them to understand this story.
I do not own Looney Tunes in any way shape or form. I do unfortunately own Phineas Pistols.
It had all started [like most things do] in the most innocent way. A meeting with the directors about their latest cartoon. It hadn't done to well and Avery was demanding explanations as to why.
Fudd's ears were still ringing 10 minutes after the meeting, and he was so wrapped up in the potential threat of um-employment that he wasn't watching where he was going and therefore collided face-first with another human-toon.
Or maybe face-chest would be a better way of putting it, Elmer thought, as he looked up at the toon. This guy was BIG.
"So-sowwy." Fudd stammered. "Wa-wasn't looking where I was g-going."
"No, mah fault." The other toon said, in what could only be described as a deep growl. "Was in the way."
Elmer nodded and then looked around hoping for some ideas on how to end the conversation. After a few seconds he settled for just blurting out. "Bye!" And scampering away.
He literally collided with Daffy round the corner, who was holding two hats in his hands. "Which do you sthink is best? Thish one-" He put a cowboy hat on his head and posed. "Or thish one?" And quickly swapped it for a fascinator complete with blue dress and long blue gloves.
Elmer pretended to consider. "I guess the second one? Seeing as you've gone to the effort of getting assesowies and evewything."
Daffy gave a delighted beam and stuck the fascinator on his head. "This is why I like you, Fuddsey. We're always on the same wave-length. By the way - who's your friend?"
Elmer frowned in confusion and Daffy pointed over his shoulder. Elmer turned to see the same guy he'd bumped into five minutes ago still staring at him strangely. Surely he hadn't been staring at him all this time?
"He'sth been stharing at usth all thisth time." Daffy said - in a weird telepathic moment*. "But what can I sthay? I am gorthous." And he struck another pose before waving widely at the human toon. The guy looked surprised, then a deep flush went up his neck and covered his face and he skulked away.
Elmer felt relieved. The guy was clearly just a fan of Daffy's [amazing as that thought may be] and was embarrassed at having been caught staring. That was it. That MUST be it.
Elmer didn't see the toon for a few days after that, and was just starting to feel like it may have all been in his head when he bumped into him. Again literally.
It had been his fault. He wasn't watching where he was going. He was having one of his 'younger' days where his attention seemed to want to be everywhere at once. He was in the middle of humming the L.T. theme tune and looking at clouds when he collided with what, at first feel, was solid rock.
"Gwacious." He muttered, rubbing his fore-head. "Did anyone get the name of that mountain?"
Cue a deep throaty lough that instantly turned Fudd's blood cold. Which considering he was made of ink was quite an accomplishment.
"Sorry. Didn't see you there." A large hand roughly the size of Fudd's head was thrust in front of him. "Mah name's Pistol. Phineas Pistol."
Fudd - not trusting himself to speak - reached out hesitantly and shook the man's hand.
Pistol gave a large toothy grin.
There was a few seconds silence while Elmer racked his brains for something to say. Pistol, for his part, seemed happy just looking at him.
"...Can I hewp you?" Fudd asked, eventually.
Pistol's smile got wider. "Jus' admirin' the view." He said and it took all off the hunters willpower not to shiver.
Just then Fudd heard four little words that made his day. "Eh...what's up Doc?"
Both Fudd and Pistol turned and looked at the grey bunny standing in the entrance of Warner Brothers Studios.
"I was interested in potentially being an actor." Pistol said, promptly.
"Eh...you an' every oither toon." Bugs said, lazily.
Pistol's smile got even wider [if that was possible] and he said, smarmily. "I thought if I could get some advice from established actors such as Mr Fudd here-"
"Eh...keep your eye out for audition dates." Bugs said, flatly. "Then audition. What were you last in?"
Pistol gave the name of some obscure cartoon that - Elmer would later discover - aired during the late thirties.
Bugs scoffed. "Eh...good luck with that, Doc. Now, Elmer." And he made a gesture indicating he wanted the hunter to come with him.
Elmer felt a wave of relief crash over him and wasted no time in scurrying away from Pistol and towards Bugs.
"Who's that Bozo?" Bugs asked, as they walked.
It took a few seconds, but Elmer eventually found his voice and said, faintly. "His name was Pistows. Phineas Pistowes."
Bugs nodded. "O'ill commit his face to memory. Won't be hard, they don't come uglier than that."
"Oh, I don't know." Elmer said, lightly. "Daffy turned up on my doowstep yestewday wooking wike he was covewed in blood." He gave a laugh. "Turned out Mewwissa had just wammed a half-baked stwawbewwy pie over his head after he had the gall to compwain it was taking her to wong."
Bugs gave a loud laugh. "Yeah, that's the Daffy charm, all right! It's amazin' they've lasted as long as they have, but, eh, talkin' of dinner - what're you makin'?"
"Oh - just a woast-"
"-A WOAST!? With carrots!?"
"Weww, yeah, suwe I guess-"
"Great, I'll see you at eight! Seeya Fuddsey!" And with that the rabbit gave a cheeky wave and disappeared.
Elmer stared after him, before realising, with a jolt, that the rabbit had essentially both walked him home and invited himself to dinner all within the time space of less than five minutes. "I'm not cooking." Elmer told himself, firmly, as he wrestled with the lock. "I'm not cooking. I am DEFINETLY NOT cooking. I mean - who does that wabbit think he is anyway?"
He cooked. Of course he cooked. He even dug up extra carrots seeing as Bugs seemed to eat NOTHING BUT. That was as far as he was going to go, but he somehow ended up putting on a nice suit and making himself look presentable.
At exactly eight o clock the doorbell rang and he opened the door. Bugs was leaning against the wall, wearing a silver jacket and a smile on his face. "Eh...what's up Doc?" He said, casually chewing a carrot.
Elmer glared. "Okay, why awe you eating a cawwot when you've come wound here specifically for dinner?"
Bugs paused, shrugged and tucked the carrot into his jacket pocket. "Eh...good point. I'll save it for desoirt." And he sauntered into the house.
"I've made dessert!" Elmer called after him. He went to shut the door and saw Sam looking at him strangely. Elmer waved and shut the door.
"That was delicious." Bugs declared after polishing off desert. [Carrot cake, of course] "I tell you what, you know how to cook."
Elmer nodded. "Yeah. It's kinda impowtant when you live on your own."
"Eh...I live on my own." Bugs immediately countered. "Never needed to cook."
Elmer paused and looked at him. "What do you eat then?"
Bugs looked at him like he was stupid and patted his jacket pocket.
"Oh." Elmer said. An idea came to him which he immediately dismissed as stupid. Although, he thought, seeing Bugs help himself to seconds, it might be an idea... "I could teach you, you know." He offered. "To cook, I mean." He added, as an afterthought. "It's not that hard, if you know what you're doing."
Bugs scrunched his nose up. "Eh...not sure. Chuck tried to teach me once, but we didn't get very far. I set fire to the kitchen."
"Oh, what were you making?"
Bugs shrugged. "I dunno. Pasta or something?"
Pasta. The wabbit couldn't even cook pasta without destroying the place. Elmer clearly had his work cut out for him. "We'll start next week." He decided. "I'll see you here at 6 o clock sharp."
"I love it when you get assertive." Bugs said, smirking.
It was another fortnight before Elmer caught sight of Pistols again. Once again the taller and wider toon was outside W.B.'s front doors looking shady as hell.
"Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me." Elmer said, stopping dead in his tracks.
Stopping dead in his tracks meant Bugs walked straight into him and the pair of them fell over. Elmer didn't even really notice as he just stared in horror at the shadow of Pistols outside.
"Eh...Doc?" He was brought back to earth by Bugs's voice "You gonna get up? Cos if you're not careful people'll think you're part of the flooring."
Elmer struggled to his feet and grasped Bugs's arm so tightly bugs was certain if he wasn't a toon his arm would be broken. Wondering what was causing the dopey hunter so much distress Bugs followed his eyes and saw Pistols outside.
"Right." He muttered and, shaking Elmer off, stormed down the corridor, certain the hunter would follow. Sure enough Elmer looked temporarily terrified before chasing after him.
"Bugs!" He called skidding past several toons including an un-impressed Marvin. "Where are you going!?"
"Chuck." Was the reply. Elmer stopped dead [again] a panicky feeling coming over him. Although their creators were always happy to help them out it was an unofficial rule that the toons would try and sort things out themselves before going to them. Otherwise the humans would deal with nothing but their creations problems. For Bugs to go straight to Chuck Jones was unheard off.
"Chuck!" Bugs slammed the door open and paraded in.
Chuck looked up midway through going through a script-rewrite and said, with remarkable patience. "How can I help you, Bugsy?"
"There's a guy-" Bugs began only for Elmer to barrel in behind him and yell.
"Whatevew he's said - ignowe it!"
Chuck raised an eyebrow. "Sorry?"
There was a few seconds during which no one spoke, then the two toons spoke at the same time.
"There's a guy outside-"
"It was nothing, ignowe it-"
"Hold up, hold up!" Chuck held a hand out and the two toons went silent. "I don't know what is going on here, but let's take it one step at a time. Bugs, what's wrong?"
Elmer threw his arms in the air and stormed out. It was always Bugs, Bugs, Bugs!
As he blazed his way down the corridor humans and toons alike made a noticeable effort to literally jump out his way. Elmer was vaguely confused until he caught sight of himself and realised that he had a literal storm cloud above his head that was shooting out lightning as and when it felt like it.
He sighed. He needed to calm down.
"Eh...what's up Doc? You seem kinda..." Bugs looked at the destroyed bullseye. "...Touchy."
"I needed to deswess." Elmer spat out. "Seeing as you'we the golden boy an' aww."
Bugs did a double take. "Eh...golden boy? I don't think so. I'm grey in case ya hadn't noticed." he waited for Elmer to snap back with a witty retort, but when nothing happened he hastily carried on with: "And I, eh, thought you'd be happy. Considerin' I've just spoken to C.J. an' he agrees that Pistols shouldn't be hangin' round."
Elmer felt himself getting hopeful, but - seeing as hope had gotten him nowhere in the past - fought it down and said, as levelly as he could. "Oh, wight?"
"Yeah." Bugs walked over, cautiously and sat on the grass. Then - trying to sound as nonchalant as he could - added. "He's going to speak to the rest of the directors and the security guards and if they see him they're gonna ask him ta leave. And force him if they have ta. Dere're also going to make it an official rule that anyone who's NOT employed by Warner Bros can't just hang around for ages. They're hopin' that'll get the message across."
"Wow." Elmer licked his lips slightly and asked, hesitantly. "You did that for me?"
"Well." Bugs said, hastily. "Not JUST for you. I mean. We can't have threatening toons hanging round the area, can we? Give the place a bad name."
"Yeah." Elmer smiled as he added. "People'll be confusing us with Disney if we'we not careful."
The rabbit laughed - a bit louder and longer than was necessary - then said. "Good one, Doc. Well, if that's all..." He got up and started to walk off, then slapped his forehead exaggeratedly and turned to face the hunter. "Oh! I ALMOST forgot - are we still on for Satoiday? Ya know." he added, seeing Elmer's confused look. "The whole cooking thing? You're teaching me how NOT to set the kitchen on fire? Any of this gettin' through or am I speaking Taz?"
"Oh." Elmer blustered, trying to act as if he hadn't completely forgotten about it. "N-no, I wemembewed. No, I'll - I'll see you there. Saturday."
Bugs gave a wide grin and a wink before running off in the general direction of the WB studios.
* I headcanons Daffy and Elmer having been created three weeks apart due to a mix-up on a WB's executive part. So although they are not twins - even by toon standards - they've always been close and Daffy's always been convinced they have twin-like telepathy.