376Chapter 21: Control
"Quiet…" I heavily groaned as my head laid back in the pillow. I clawed the duvet over my face to keep out the bright sunshine from hitting my eyes. But it was just so unnaturally bright, and the repetitive beeping sound from this barbaric device was stirring frustration in me. I tried to fall back to sleep. I tried to ignore the sound because reaching the snooze button seemed like such a challenge at this moment, but it just wouldn't stop.
I opened my eyes to see the villain of my early morning, but I noticed the villain was just desperate to notify me of the hour, and the hour meant I was going to be late for first period.
"Crap!" I shouted, sitting up to click the button to end the tormenting noise. The light shining through the window was warm against my bare arms, seeing the rare sun in its entirety on such a day. But, a day that would be wasted. I only had fifteen minutes to get ready, and I was even more sure that Jessica had already gone to school. She is probably not too happy with me for not meeting her out front twenty minutes ago. I would have to apologize.
I could go on foot to school. That would be a pleasurable outing to at least be able to enjoy the weather before spending most of it in a building, but I found myself not hurrying to leave my mattress. Now, I have always been adamant about my studies; staying on top of my homework and readings, but maybe it wouldn't be too unheard of to skip school every now and then. It's not like I haven't done it before. Though, it was more often now than it was then.
And it's not like I could even do anything with a high school degree looking sixteen for the rest of my life.
What a negative thought.
The cell phone on my desk vibrated with an incoming call. Jessica's name lit up on the blue screen, flashing repeatedly to answer the call. I hovered my thumb over the green phone button, letting the ringing continue before setting it back down on the desk. I would call her back later. Maybe send her a text. When Jessica called once more, I reluctantly answered.
"Sleep in? You're late for first period and I'm not missing attendance to come back and get you."
I flinched back at the tone in her voice. "Don't worry about it. I don't think I'm coming in today."
"What?" She shrieked but then softly gasped and changed her voice to a whisper. "Are you ditching school, again? Is it because of the weather? Oh lucky, and unfair. Are you still coming to Port Angeles with us or are you ditching out on that too?"
I glanced out the window, contemplating my answer for a few seconds longer than I had intended. Did I want to go to Port Angeles and go dress shopping? I knew my plans were to find some way out of it halfway into the chaos to feed, but it did seem too complicated of a task.
"Because I can always pick you up after school if that's the issue," Jessica continued, filling in my silence.
"Raincheck, okay?" I said, trying to sound unhappy with my decision. "I'm really sorry."
"Really? Wow, okay. Well that changes things I guess. Alright well, let me know if you change your mind. I think you're going to regret not at least seeing if you like any of the dresses for yourself."
My lips tightened in a smile. "I don't think that was going to happen anyway. I already told you I didn't want to go to the dance."
"Ridiculous, okay I got to go. Class is starting, bye!"
I went ahead and took a shower and got dressed. I wasn't sure what my plans were going to be for the afternoon, but I would need to feed soon. Not because I was craving or desired it, but because I would need to keep a continuous routine and take my opportunities when they came. It wasn't like I had a buffet nearby. And maybe I would have to become more comfortable feeding off humans. Not exactly a natural idea to have.
The last time I fed was with Edward. I wanted to believe that he held judgment for my nature and that I was not like him or the rest of his family, but there wasn't a grimace or the faint wrinkle between his brows that held a malicious thought. No, instead he looked worried and possibly desperate to help me. Worried because I could have caused suspicion to bloom among the student body or worry for me.
Though, he had never said the words that would indicate that he resented that outing. More so, he encouraged me to take care of myself better than I had been for far too long. And I wanted so desperately to be able to view his opinion of my circumstances and ignore my own.
Walking aimlessly to the front porch, I felt compelled to bask in one of Fork's rarest days of sun. No more did I need to wear a sweater and jeans, instead I had on a soft white blouse that exposed my shoulders and a pair of khaki shorts that were just above my knee. I was humming as I exposed my face to the sunlight and walked.
I hadn't really planned for my feet to take me in the direction that I knew too well, but when I was skipping through the brush of the forest, I felt excited. Unfortunately, the sun didn't break through the canopy above me, so I was solely relying on the warmth of the air surrounding me to keep my spirits up about the weather.
The familiar driveway eventually came into view, and I picked up my speed —winding down it. I hoped they wouldn't be too upset by another surprise visit, but I knew they would all be home today. I tried to brush off the normal nerves that came over me at the thought of being all around them. It wasn't them I feared, but more that I felt out of place being there.
Because I was out of place. I was not like the rest of them.
I pulled my phone out to be considerate to let Edward know I was coming, but I hadn't even made it to the front door before Edward met me halfway between his house and the driveway.
"Oh," my lips formed an 'o'. "Sorry, I promise I was about to call you to tell you I was here."
"No, don't ever feel that you have to." His eyebrows knitted together as he paused. "Ditching school today?"
"The weather was too nice to pass up on," I admitted. I don't think he knew that I noticed the quick flash in his eyes as he took note of my out-of-the-norm seasonal attire, but he smiled. He looked merely curious before he looked behind him at the windows of his home. I'm guessing they too knew I was here. And then his eyes were focused on me once again.
"Can we go for a walk?" The question came out abruptly with my nerves. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. It's not as if he and I haven't made ourselves acquainted with each other by now. I would go as far as to call him a friend. Maybe the one person in this entire town who knows me the most.
His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful as they glanced at the shadows from the canopy shading us from above.
"If not—"
"Of course. Though, if we could stick to the woods, I would be appreciative."
I couldn't help the expression on my face as I frowned, looking at the garden in front of their home glittering in the sunlight. The request wasn't odd itself— but on such a beautiful day?
I dropped it.
"Okay," I nodded and began leading the way behind their home towards the meadow that led to a river that we would have to cross over. He followed closely behind me as we made it to the forest. Both of us were quiet and I would briefly glance behind me. I knew he was there, but his movements were so silent I had to make sure.
"My family says hello," Edward broke the silence between us. His hands were fingering through the front of his disheveled hair. He looked like he just walked out of a commercial for hair gel.
I realized it was rude of me to steal him away from them without being polite by offering a simple greeting. I almost forgot they had guests in their home that were too eager to see me again. According to Edward, they extended their trip.
My smile was soft, but I fell back against a tree, leaning against it. "I should have come inside instead of being a coward and luring you away into the woods. Can never be too sure what kind of antics a succubus could come up with."
He laughed, almost surprised as he played along with my poor excuse for a joke. "If I remember correctly, I was a willing participant. But… I am curious. What kind of antics can a succubus such as yourself get up to?"
I rolled my eyes as I shrugged. "Too soon to tell. Though, you are making it easy. I could compel you to come away with me with just one look. You might never make it back alive."
He faltered for less than a second; his eyes glanced down at my lips so briefly that one with human sight wouldn't have noticed. But his smile grew playful as his brow raised and the whites of his teeth appeared through his lifted lips. "I'd like to have seen that," and he laughed again.
"Don't tempt me." I felt the blush bloom on my cheeks. Was he teasing me? I couldn't tell but I smiled at the exchange between us. His stare was heavy on me before I looked away, staring out over the river. "I didn't have an exact purpose for coming here, or an intention to lure you away with me. But… now that we are here, I guess I have a favor to ask of you."
He looked… amused? He crossed his arms, leaning slightly more on one foot as he waited for me to continue. My eyes tightened at his smug face. Though, I couldn't look for too long. It made me nervous.
"You helped me the other day," I began almost breathlessly. "In more ways than I can tell you. And I canceled the Port Angeles plans with Jessica and Angela, so I don't exactly have a plan to… feed. Basically, I wanted to ask if you would be willing to help me again. I don't think I need to go as far as Seattle, but really anywhere outside of Forks."
Now let Edward consider that proposition. Another way for him to be an accessory to murder while he himself has spent years refraining from human blood.
"Yes," he replied without hesitation. His eyes were wide with a hint of excitement.
"When do you want to be on our way?"
My mouth opened and closed and opened again without forming discernable words until I could finally speak through my own surprise. "Um, right now if possible! I don't know exactly where we should go, but maybe we could travel north."
"We could take a drive to Beaver. Or we could head south to Oil City. It's only a fifteen-minute drive from here."
"Fifteen minutes? That's over thirty minutes away by car."
He flashed a glorious smile, white teeth in all their glory. "Yes, but I'll be the one driving."
He wasn't lying about the time it would take for us to get to the city. We have only been driving for seven minutes and we were over halfway there. The speed shouldn't surprise someone who can run just as fast as we were going, but it was all so different sitting still in the passenger seat watching the trees flash by in the window.
I kept glancing over at Edward who was fiddling with the CD player. He didn't consider dressing for the weather the same way I had. Instead, he wore a long-sleeved navy blue buttoned-down with light khaki trousers and a gray baseball cap on his head. He looked like he was one of those guys you see in movies trying to look unidentifiable after committing a crime.
"You do realize it's warm outside, right?"
His jaw ticked before he unsuccessfully tried to hide his smile. "I do."
"And that's how you chose to dress?"
"I suppose not all of us appreciate the warm weather as much as a girl from Phoenix would," he teased. "But if you must ask, I prefer to dress this way."
I don't think I had ever seen Edward in anything but long sleeves. Before it was not apparent because the weather had been continuously gloomy. But it was notable now. Staring at his attire, absolutely baffled that he wasn't taking advantage of the warm air, I couldn't help but notice his arms and the way they stood out against the dark fabric. Edward wasn't as bulky as his brothers in the family. He was lankier, but it was still flattering.
"Is this where I should be worried about your antics of luring me away to my death?"
His playful joke took me off-guard but I couldn't prevent the smile that pulled at my cheek. "I don't know, are you going to take the chance by looking at me?"
A bet was made, one that he was all too prepared to act on as he took his eyes off the road and looked in my direction. His eyes looked straight at mine before I had to reprimand myself to look the other way.
"What the heck was that, Edward?" I sneered. "Could've at least warned me!"
"You were goading," he shrugged nonchalantly.
"And we are in an enclosed space driving eighty miles an hour! What were you thinking?"
"That I'm not as scared of you as you are of yourself."
I looked up at him, stunned by his comment. It was so effortlessly said that I knew he meant it.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "But you don't see yourself very clearly. It's as if you are afraid of your own shadow."
"Are you saying that I shouldn't be careful? I'm still dangerous."
"I never said you weren't," he agreed, flashing an enchanting smile. "But I'm dangerous too. Possibly more so than you are."
"I think we are remembering past events much differently," I grimaced.
"I am just encouraging that you don't have to be so careful around me or my family. I can't help but notice that since our past unfavorable encounter outside of your work, you haven't been as affected by me as much as you used to be."
"Nor have you," I countered.
His smile softened, more apologetic. "It's not without difficulty, but it's… more pleasant now."
My stare at him could've caused the Earth to collapse in on itself. "I thought you said it changes and that… sometimes it bothers you and sometimes it doesn't. I don't understand."
"I have just become adjusted to it," he admitted. "At first the desire to kill you in the classroom was unbearable. In fact, I remember hunting you down after you ran off. If I had caught you, I don't imagine you would have come home to your father. Your face would have been plastered all over bulletin boards and the local news for a missing person." His face grew dark recalling what could have been. "But now? It's just pleasant."
I rolled my eyes. "Delicacy."
He shook his head. "I don't have any desire to find out. And it's not that at all. It's pleasant to be near you as much as it is to be intoxicated by you."
I gulped, twisting my lips to the side of my face as I looked down at my fidgeting fingers on my lap. Of course, it is pleasant to be near me. I'm a succubus after all. I practically draw him in like a moth to a flame.
"No, Bella. Not because of what you are. It's just you." I looked up at him through the lashes of my eyes, seeing his own eyes staring back at me. "The desire for your blood is behind me now. As your desire for me is likely behind you."
I had to look away again as I flushed, heating the air between us.
My desire for him. I wanted to scoff as if it weren't true but I wasn't immune to noticing the scent of his breath in the car. The sunshine, lilac, and honey scent of his energy was fumigating, and I could taste it all too well. Sure, I could admire the idea of knowing what it would taste like to breathe him in. I wasn't oblivious to that. If it were anyone else, the desire to find out would end someone's life, but it wasn't someone else… it was him.
"And I have a theory that you have more control over it than you believe you do," he continued. "I think you convinced yourself that in every occurrence, looking someone directly in the eye would have that effect you worry of causing. But I suspect otherwise. I imagine there is a difference in the intention that inflicts it."
"I don't remember intending it at my old school, Edward," I quipped. "I would have rather liked to have finished my high school years in Phoenix without causing a group of adolescent boys to attack me." Flashes of images blurred through my mind.
Edward flinched. "I'm sorry if I overstepped."
"You didn't know," I shook my head. "But your theory is wrong. Believe me."
"We're here," he announced, slowing down before taking a turn onto a residential street. We were a couple of blocks away from the main city where Edward parked in front of a brick house on a corner. I went to unbuckle my seat belt to get out of the car but noticed he wasn't doing the same.
"Are you getting out?" I asked, unsure. He was staring ahead at the street and back up toward the sky. "You're not staying in the car, are you?"
"Just a moment," he said staring passively at the clouds overhead. The clouds were moving, and I wasn't too welcoming to them. But at least the clouds weren't causing the air to chill. They were instead pestering my enjoyment of the afternoon by creeping towards the sun.
"Are you listening for thoughts? Because I'm not sure I'm comfortable barging into someone's home. I thought we would go further into the city."
He chuckled. "Well, we can't exactly have you cornering someone in broad daylight on the teaming streets, now can we?"
"Well," I paused. "I thought it would be like Mr. Simmons. We would find someone in one of the buildings and… well whatever opportunity comes."
"There are opportunities," he mused. "Many homes with many different people."
"If anyone was home in the middle of the day right now, it would be stay-at-home parents and children. And I'm not too eager about the possibility of killing either of those options."
"You're not going to kill anyone, Bella," he clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth. "I thought we could explore self-control if you are open to it. Considering you're not starved as of right now, it would be easier for you to contain the desire to finish."
I lightly touch my fingers to the skin under my eyes. They looked fine the night before, but I hadn't checked my appearance this morning to see if they had gotten worse. Maybe only slightly as they had felt a tad hollower than they did yesterday, but he was right in his assumption. Today was about having a continuous routine so that I wouldn't get to the point of starvation. I had more control.
"And I've seen the way your compulsion works. You could simply tell a human to forget they ever saw you, or to at least never mention a word of it. I thought we could experiment on multiple people today."
"You've had time to think about this, huh?" I leaned back in my seat, more annoyed now as I stared up at the clouds inching closer to ruining my sunny day. Multiple people?
"I really get under your skin, don't I?"
I raised my eyebrow, "I suppose you've also had time to think about that, too." I noted.
He laughed a soft, enchanting laugh. "And here I thought we were going to have a nice day. You were more than genial not too long ago."
"Well, you keep opening your mouth," I scowled. But had immediately regretted being harsh. His amusement didn't leave his face, but he still didn't deserve that. "I'm sorry. I'm the one who asked you to come along and I'm behaving like a child. I really, really appreciate you agreeing to come with me. I hope you know that. Honestly… I don't want to do this alone. I don't know how. I feel like I'm making all this up as I go and that I'm not doing it any better than the previous times before."
"Bella," he said softly. "You don't have to apologize. I overstepped before and I keep overstepping."
"No, you're not. You're offering plausible solutions."
"Even so, I'm making untested assumptions."
"They aren't entirely untested," I admitted. "There was this girl not too long ago at a park. I went to feed on her, and I almost killed her. I only stopped because I loathe the smell of cigarettes, and she had one previously right before. Her energy was fine, but it was covered by the fumes of her latest cigarette, and it tainted the taste of it, and I just couldn't continue any further with it. So, I stopped. I ended up dragging her to the nearest clinic when I realized her heart was still beating."
His smile was warm and reassuring. "Okay," he nodded. "We will practice self-control and see if we can go from there. And hopefully, we can do this and avoid smokers." I chuckled at his ending note breathlessly. "I am curious, though if you don't mind me asking a question about your previous encounters." I nodded for him to continue. "That thing you do with their minds, how those images in their minds were created. I last saw it in Port Angeles and wanted to ask if that was a controlled occurrence."
I exhaled a heavy breath. "I didn't realize what was happening before. At first, I thought I was creating those images myself, but it was as if they were planting their own fantasies into my mind, or at least I was transported into theirs and watching myself in a film. That was the first time it occurred. And after that, I realized that it heightened their lust, and they became more willing. It changed the taste of their energy, and I liked it. It was more intoxicating than previous encounters that I've had before. But yeah, it's fueled by compulsion. I don't understand how they take over the narrative but, I think the intensity of the compulsion is what controls the images to happen."
"What do you mean by the intensity of the compulsion?"
"Well, basically as I said it. Before in my previous encounters, I wasn't feeling angry. It was just me compelling them to come to me. But with those guys in Port Angeles, I was enraged and sickened. I wanted them to die. Same thing with Mr. Simmons. I don't think the intensity was the same with him because I didn't want him to die as much as the former, but there was enough intention behind it, and I was starving."
He nodded. "Do those images bother you?"
I paused, sliding my lips between my pressed lips. Do they? "I enjoy what comes of it such as the lust because their heightened desires from those images cause the way their energy feels and tastes when I consume it. It feels more powerful and gratifying. Other energies tasted just fine, but theirs were more of a desired flavor and I felt more charged afterward. And I don't know how to describe it but, with the men in Port Angeles… those images made me feel empowered until I realized they were the ones controlling them. So, I guess knowing that I don't control the images, does bother me. If I could consume that intensifying energy without seeing their fantasies, I would."
The sky seemed to have slightly darkened around us, and I looked up toward the sun to see the multiple fluffy clouds that now covered it. I frowned, but Edward didn't seem to mind. He exhaled a breath and looked at me.
"Thank you for being open with me," he said. "And I want you to know that if you should ever ask for my help that you always have it. You don't have to do this alone."
Moisture crept into my eyes, and I batted it away as I blinked through it. Now I was leaning back in my seat more comfortably as I breathed a heavy sigh and felt relief as I looked back at him.
"So, what exactly is the plan here?" I asked curiously as we strode the sidewalk passing the residential homes.
"Well, based on what you have given up to me today, I thought it would be a better idea to proceed with barging into people's homes as you put before."
I turned to him. "I thought I was clear about not wanting to kill children and stay-at-home parents."
"You were very clear," he said matter of factly. "As was I about you not killing anyone today."
"And how can you be so sure?"
"Because again, you are not starving right now. You are more in control of yourself than in your recent encounters." I rolled my eyes. His confidence in his thought-out plan was not contagious. "And of course, I'm here and will prevent any deaths happening on your account today." he winked, following his dazzling half-smile that caused my breathing to come up short. "Oh! And we're at our first stop." He grabbed my upper arm lightly, halting me in front of a concrete path that led to a white porch of a one-story home.
"Great! What's the story of this person?"
"No story," he shook his head. "The woman is simply unpacking groceries that she bought to make her husband and children chicken parmesan with mashed potatoes and Italian green beans tonight."
I stared openly at him. "I can't do this… she's done nothing wrong. She's just a good mother and wife."
He shrugged. "Well, we don't know that entirely, but as of right now she is on the mutual territory of the spectrum of good and evil as far as we are aware."
"And this is the victim you chose out of everyone on this street. You couldn't have searched for someone who is possibly… oh I don't know, an intentionally questionable person?"
He shook his head. "An even-natured woman who takes care of her husband and children would be someone whom you have no desire to harm. And therefore, you won't." He smiled at me before descending the concrete path towards the front porch. I wanted to shout at him to stop, but he was already there opening the front door. I was ogled to see him so gracefully walk inside the home and then turn around to beckon me to follow him. And I did.
"Edward," I whispered low, closing the front door behind me. "I don't know if I can do this!"
"Shhh," he taunted. "She'll hear you."
I heard the door and hum of the refrigerator opening and closing, and footsteps coming from the other room adjacent to the one we were stepping into. She was still in the kitchen putting groceries away as she faintly sang lyrics to a song that I wasn't familiar with.
Edward nodded to me, circling wide towards the far wall to take a look into the kitchen. His movements were so quick but silent all the same. The lyrics she was singing continued onto a new song, and she was completely unaware of a vampire and a succubus in her home. Edward glanced my way, motioning me to approach the kitchen. When I looked through the archway to see her, she was unpackaging frozen chicken to set to the side on the counter to thaw.
I felt instant guilt, looking at the woman across from me smiling as turned the hot water on, but that guilt evaporated into a panic when the woman looked up and paused. The lyrics on her lips fell silent before her eyes widened.
"Who— who are you?" She stumbled as she began to back away from the counter. She looked back and forth between us, but her eyes locked solely on Edward who appeared in the archway near me. "How did you get into my home? I'll call the cops I swear!"
She was scared, stammering her breath as her heart rate galloped faster. I looked to Edward who was eyeing sideways at me. He was waiting for me to do something, anything to stifle the poor woman who was cowering. But I fell frozen, feeling as if this was unfamiliar territory and I was a deer in headlights. But when I stared back at the woman, I noticed her faltering hands. By the way her eyes quickly glanced to the phone on the wall and back to the two of us, I knew she was trying to conjure up a plan to quickly get to the phone and dial 911 before we could get to her. I didn't think Edward nor I looked violent, but we were strangers who had walked into her kitchen without a word. Anything was possible.
Edward noticed my wariness and stepped forward, but I grabbed his cool wrist, stopping him from approaching the woman. This excursion was for me to practice feeding with control. And I was quickly losing control of the situation. I couldn't let Edward step in believing I wasn't ready. Because I was ready for this. I had done this plenty of times in different situations, but I knew what I was meant to do. This was my domain now and I could do this.
Edward's arm flexed under my grasp, stepping backward as I went forward. The woman yelped the closer I came and now her eyes were only on me. She was giving me the perfect opportunity to connect, and I needed to take it. I felt the talons of the subconscious monster gleefully playing with my mind as I found her eyes.
The woman's mouth opened, ready to scream and I needed to act fast.
"Don't scream," I commanded in a low voice that sounded menacing to my own ears. The women's jaw slacked, but her lips didn't close. "And don't move." Shivers ran down her body as goosebumps pebbled her skin. Her mind knew the danger of the situation, but her body couldn't comply with her own wishes to run and get out of the house. Her eyes then slacked as she stared back at me in awe, and I knew then that the draw was locking into place. She was now under my will.
The woman's lips parted once and closed as she nodded that she understood the request. I walked forward towards the kitchen island, running my fingertip across the granite counter. It was cold, awakening the nerves in my hands that were clenching and unclenching. The woman's eyes followed my movements as I rounded the counter to appear next to her. My mind was on autopilot now as her scent through heavy breaths filled my lungs.
My own body vibrated in a pleasurable hum as the overwhelming aroma took hold of my instincts. Her cheeks flushed scarlet as her eyes never left mine, and I almost giggled in amusement. I could feel the subconscious taking over as my movements became more feline-like. I was circling my prey.
"Huc veni," I spoke in Latin tongue, my tongue brushing over my bottom lip as I gazed down at her lips and back to her face. The woman did as she was told and interrupted the space between us.
I didn't want to extend the time this all was taking. Edward and I could be in and out of here without haste. So, I wrapped my fingers around the hair at the nape of the woman's neck and pulled her face towards mine. I inhaled my gasp when the woman's lips collided eagerly with mine, so forcefully opening my lips to follow her tempo. It was liberating in the sense. The flavor of her energy held its own arousal with the decadent honey mixed with the scent of a warm pie. My instincts were winning as I fell deeper into it.
Our lips molded together in symphony, but it was her shuttering breath that intoxicated me. There was an irritating pull in the back of my mind— past the subconscious monster's talon… and it wanted me to break my lips from the woman's. But my senses were clouded, and I didn't hear myself moan until the ringing in my ears began as I inhaled the energy that she was forcing down my lungs. My grip on her grew rougher as I held tighter on her upper arm. Her back became pressed into the refrigerator, and I growled in satisfaction.
And there it was again distracting me… something trying to pull me away from my meal. But it was different this time, it was physical. I pressed my hand against her chest, pushing her away and behind me as I turned around to growl at the intruder. His eyes were wild and enchanting. His lips were moving, but I couldn't understand the words coming out of them. But then his arm snaked around my waist, pulling me against him and out of the kitchen.
"Bella, stop!" The voice was like an echo, and I continued to claw at the arms locking me against the cold hard frame. My meal felt so far away now, out of my grasp. The beautiful male turned me around and as I gazed back at him, I was able to process the words he was saying. "This is not the time to lose control of yourself. Remember who she is. A mother, a wife!"
I felt the elastic band snap and I blinked.
Edward was in front of me, holding my upper arms firmly as his face was wild in distress. I felt an exaggerated breath leave my body as I was beginning to understand what was wrong.
"Shit. I didn't—"
"It's okay, you're back now."
"I screwed that up, didn't I?" I looked behind me to see the flushed woman, sliding down to the ground with her palm clasped to her chest as she gasped heavily. "I'm okay now, Edward. You can let me go." Edward's golden eyes were cautious as she loosened his grip. I nodded at him in thanks and turned to the woman who now laid on the ground, staring at the ceiling above her. The frantic beating of her heart told me I didn't go too far this time, but I could have easily slipped over.
I went to crouch next to her. Her eyes were wild and lost, not being able to find anything to focus on before she found my face. She tried to move, to get to me, but I steadied her movements as I set my sights to hold her in the connection again.
"It's okay, everything is okay," I cooed softly. "Forget what happened between now and five minutes ago. Forget my face and my friend's face and tell no one what you saw."
Before she blinked, Edward and I were already out of the house through the front door.
Edward and I went to two other homes which were more successful than the first. After the third home, I was able to find a balance between the subconscious monster and my own self-awareness, and I made sure to remember to grasp the line between the two.
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect today to be like, but I was fortunate that Edward had been there. I didn't know the proper way to thank him without him dismissing my gratitude.
"You did it all on your own, Bella," he reminded me. "I was only there to remind you of that."
"If you hadn't stepped in—"
"You would have found a way to find yourself again, I am sure of that now. I didn't allow you the time to search for your self-control on your own which made the situation more difficult than it should have been and that's what I have to apologize for."
"It's really rich that you believe that woman would be alive without your help."
"She would've. I saw it. You were already backing away on your own before I stepped in. But I panicked and mistrusted the situation."
He kept reminding me of that, but I know what really happened. I know how I felt the moment I had the woman pinned against the door of the refrigerator. I felt… feral and out of control. I wasn't starving but it was greed that took over. But it didn't matter now. What mattered was that the next two were successful all on my own without Edward having to step in to take control of the situation, and for that, I smiled.
"I don't expect the next time to be flawless," I admitted. "But would it be too much to ask you to come with me again next time?"
"You have the strength, Bella. You just have to realize it." I tried to hide my smile as I shook my head, looking out the window as the trees rushed by. I relaxed in the seat, shutting my eyes. "And yes, I'll come again."
"Maybe you could show me how you hunt."
"No, absolutely not," his face hardened, and his eyes grew furious.
I looked stunned at the change in his demeanor. The knuckles wrapped around the steering wheel turned whiter than usual, and the click in his jaw was audible. I must have stroked a nerve that I didn't realize was in him.
His voice sneered through gritted teeth. "You can't… see me like that."
"I've seen you drink blood before, though." I tried to speak cautiously as I kept my expression firmly under control. "When you showed me what you were."
"That night had intentional purposes with my mind distracted by you. When we hunt, we give ourselves over to our senses and govern less with our minds. With that scent of yours— if you had been around when I was hunting for purposes to quench my own thirst when I had lost control…"
"I would've been dessert." I expected the swift flash of his eyes on me, but I kept my face deadpanned, giving nothing away.
He turned his gaze back to the road.
"It's okay. I don't have to see that if you don't want me to. I think I was given more than an idea to imagine."
"I don't ever want to hurt you." His low voice was rough, and there was the pain I saw in his expression as he tightened his eyes. I was no mind reader like him, but I could predict he was imagining what could have been.
And with complete sureness, I knew that he never would. Not now.
A/N
"Huc veni" – Come here.
It's been a long time since I updated. I probably re-wrote this chapter multiple times and gave up. I'll be honest with you all… I don't know how to finish this story. I don't know how to properly form their romantic relationship because Bella's life is consumed by what she is right now and the only solution seems to be time. And, that would be a lot of time to go through. So, I moved away from the original idea for this chapter and stuck with Bella and Edward together. Maybe I need to continue doing future chapters with mostly them together to allow their relationship to grow easier, I don't know. I'm lost. I really am. I have read your messages from the past year asking me to update and I appreciate the love for this story. I just don't know how to do it justice. I hope this chapter was good enough, I am so sorry!