1,631Last full chapter - then epilogue. Tissues may be required...
Chapter Thirty: Grief
Bella
xXx
It's drizzling, an onslaught of wet, dismal drops, blending with the tears streaking down my cheeks. Esme is sobbing next to me, a hollow wheezing sound emerging from her chest which she clutches tightly. Carlisle is beside her, his hand resting on her back, face an ashen color; it matches the sky.
My eyes rest on the gravestone in front of me, disbelief sitting in my stomach like molten lead. He can't be gone. He just can't. Esme starts wailing and I lower to my knees in the mud.
Ricko's standing next to me and he squeezes my shoulder. He stares down at the flowers we've decorated with, his voice hoarse as he echoes my words, "I can't believe he's gone."
I open my mouth to reply but choke instead, my vision blurring. This wasn't supposed to happen.
Fingers reach out and trace the words written in the gray stone.
A beloved son, brother and friend,
Tommie Masen.
Edward drops his hand from the grave and turns to me, his green eyes hauntingly empty. "Daisy…"
The pain in his voice causes a sharp sensation in my gut, like metal scraping metal. I swallow the hard lump in my throat and shift forwards on my knees until I'm beside him, my dress squelching into the dirt. It's fitting that it's raining. It feels like the sun will never shine again.
My hand reaches for his and he inhales sharply, tangling his fingers with mine. Esme's wails reach a new pitch and he tenses, his jaw jumping. My hand goes to his back, rubbing circles into the damp material of his suit. I glance back at Carlisle and give him a beseeching look. He sighs.
"Esme, sweetheart, come, give Edward some time alone with Tommie," he murmurs.
She protests for a second but then the rustle of shifting bodies and feet squelching in the mud sounds out behind us, the wails trailing off.
"If I have to listen to one more second of that I'm gonna kill her," Edward says, his voice stony.
I stay silent. His anger at the situation was warranted, but no one was safe from his wrath right now, Esme especially. It wasn't her fault, he knew that. He just needed someone to blame. And truthfully I was grateful he was finally shifting it off himself, at least for today.
"This doesn't feel real," Edward murmurs. "How can this be real?" He looks at me, a helpless expression on his face. "How can I…How do I…" he chokes on the words and I wrap my arms around him tightly, trying to hold back my tears. I wait for him to let go, to cry, finally, but he's silent in my arms, stony and cold. It's not healthy for him to hold it in like this, to not let himself shed even a single tear, but I can't force him, I can't do anything but be by his side.
"I love you," I whisper in his ear. "I love you so much." My hand shifts over his heart, over the network of scars that sit there from when he was almost taken from me, two years ago.
Edward's hand slowly comes up to rest over mine and I bury my face in his neck, letting the rain seep into my clothes, like it can somehow wash away the feeling of loss that aches under my ribs.
I give Edward some time at the grave by himself, walking a couple of feet away and sitting on a bench so he can find me if he needs me. There's cars waiting to take us into the city, for the wake. Esme and Edward were incapable of organizing anything in their grief, and I was too busy trying to help to do much either, so my dad ended up organizing the whole thing. Or at least, his staff organized it with his credit card. I gave some input, but how can you do anything to make it okay when a little boy dies? How can any amount of flowers, or poetry, or procession, do anything to ease the unfairness of it, the cruelty.
I stare past the entrance to the church, where Esme is standing with Carlisle, her body too thin, hands wrapped around her frail torso. There's only close family here, Esme, Carlisle, Ricko, and us, but there would be others coming to the wake. Tommie had a lot of friends at school, and on the wards. Everyone who knew him loved him. Even my dad had developed a soft spot, beating me to the punch and paying to fly out the best doctors for Tommie when things took a turn.
Our relationship has been much better since we found out what Soranno did to my mom. We talked a lot while Edward was in the hospital, about that night, why I was left alone for so long, why he distanced himself after. I don't think I can ever truly forgive him for how he left me, or how he treated me, but I finally understand why, and I can see that he loves me as much as he is capable of, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.
I finally have my freedom, now that Cinna is back in charge. No more bodyguards, not that I really need one with Edward by my side anyway. Even after my dad stepped down, I told him I didn't want any part of the mafia anymore, that I wanted my life completely separate. He wasn't happy, but he understood. Emmett's training to take over and Rose has been a surprisingly quick study. I still haven't totally gotten over them hiding their relationship from me, especially because I never wanted Rose to have to live this kind of life, but he loves her and she loves him and at least I don't have to have secrets from my best friend anymore. Besides, it was hard to be mad at Emmett after what Michele did to him, taking his eye. He was rocking the eye-patch; honestly it made him look like even more of a bad-ass than before, but it took something from him, going through that.
It took something from all of us.
Losing Alec was such a shock, everyone was devastated. It's partly what led to the peace negotiations between Cinna and my father. I mourned the loss of my friend, especially in the knowledge that he died to save Edward. We couldn't tell Cinna, or my dad, why Alec stepped in front of that bullet, but they came to their own conclusions, assumed that Alec thought Soranno wouldn't shoot him. Maybe that was part of it, we'd never know, but I would be eternally grateful for his sacrifice.
Things were pretty calm these days anyway, with Cinna back leading things. Of course there were always external threats, undercover agents and areas of the mafia I chose to not know anything about, but that was Emmett's problem now. Edward and I were out for good.
Edward slowly stands from the grave and I quickly join his side, searching his face for something, any kind of emotion. He'd barely spoken since Tommie died, he wouldn't eat, I could barely get him out of bed.
Even though we knew it was coming, it didn't make it any easier.
After Edward's accident, Tommie was doing better for a while, a good while. He was back in school, back stealing things much to Edward's amusement, and skating, playing with his friends.
Edward bought a house for Esme, Tommie and him with the money he'd saved for Tommie's treatments, in Queens. It wasn't huge but it was beautiful and homely, especially after I forced him to let me pay to decorate the inside. Tommie loved it. He called it the adventure house because we were all so excited he was getting better that we were constantly coming up with fun activities to do, like the indoor bouncy castle - not our best idea - and the ball pit, the petting zoo - Edward regretted that one a lot.
But then, a year and a half after Edward almost died…the cancer got worse. It was so sudden, Tommie took a turn practically overnight. He went straight into treatment but Carlisle couldn't do anything. We tried another marrow transplant, we tried every single experimental trial we could pay for, but nothing worked.
And before we knew it, we were at the end.
Tommie's breaths are labored, each rattling inhale, rough like sandpaper against stone.
"It's okay little man," Edward murmurs, stroking his head. "You can go, we're right here with you, we aren't going anywhere." His voice is soft, gentle, but there's a slight tremble in it that tears my heart apart. Esme is sitting on Tommie's other side, clutching his hand to her chest. None of us are crying. Crying has passed now. This is about helping him through this, and we all agreed to help him go with smiles and laughter. The past few days he's barely been awake and we've been here almost every hour, sleeping in the hospital in shifts so he's never alone.
Tommie stirs and his green eyes meet mine, "H-hi," he rasps, giving me a weak smile.
"Hey sweet boy," I say, squeezing his hand and smiling back. Edward's is covering mine.
Tommie blinks sleepily, glancing around at us. He smiles at Esme softly. "Mama, I'm s-so tired."
Edward trembles and I press my hand against his back.
"I know baby," Esme says, her voice wavering. "I know you are. You've been so strong, and Mama's so proud of you. It's okay to go to sleep, we'll be right here, you can close your eyes, and everything will be okay." She bends to kiss his head, her eyes full of tears.
Tommie swallows, letting out a raspy breath. "E-Ed," he pants.
"I'm right here, little man," Edward says, leaning closer to the bed, ruffling Tommie's hair lightly.
"Ed," Tommie says, panting as he tries to sit up, "I don't want to leave y-you."
"Shh," Edward soothes, gently pressing Tommie back down. "Everything's okay, kid. You're not leaving me. You're always gonna be with me, and you know I'll always be with you, don't you?"
"Yeah," Tommie says softly, his eyes lighting up slightly.
"You just try not to steal anything in heaven okay?" Edward says playfully, "They might not like that there, you don't wanna get kicked out." He laughs, and it sounds real, but I feel the way his body trembles with the effort of it.
Tommie makes a soft rasping sound, the only kind of laugh he can right now, and I smile at him encouragingly, even as tears start to run down my cheeks.
"Please don't cry Bella," Tommie rasps, "I'll practice drawing up there, and when you come see me you'll be so proud."
"I'm already proud," I manage to say, my voice thick. "You're so talented."
He smiles softly, his expression relaxing, and I feel it in my bones that this is it. Edward does too because his body freezes.
Tommie's breaths become shallower and his eyes flutter closed.
"I love you Tommie," Edward says thickly.
"We love you so much," Esme murmurs, leaning in and kissing Tommie's cheek and his head. "So much baby."
Tommie breathes out, another raspy sound, and then the room falls silent.
Esme inhales sharply and my heart freezes in my chest. "Tommie? Baby?" she asks, her breath leaving her in short gasps. "Tommie? Oh God, my baby…" A wail leaves her lips and she bends over his body, sobbing.
I stare at Tommie in shock. He looks like he's sleeping but he's so still.
Edward takes in a shaky breath, stroking Tommie's head. "It's okay," he breathes, his breath catching, "It's okay, Tommie," he leans in and kisses Tommie's head.
"It's okay, buddy." Edward's breathing picks up until he's gasping for air. He turns to me, a panicked expression on his face.
"Daisy…" he gasps. "I can't breathe…I can't…"
He moves from the bed, staggering backwards, his back finding the wall with a soft bang. His knees go and he drops to the floor, staring at Tommie, his body trembling.
I stroke Tommie's head and kiss his sweet cheeks. "Sweet dreams, Tommie," I murmur. "I love you."
I turn and step towards Edward slowly.
"Daisy," he gasps. "I…"
"Shh," I murmur, kneeling in front of him. I gently reach out and cup his cheeks. He gasps at the contact and then shakes his head firmly, his teeth clenched tight. I move into his body, hugging him tightly, Esme's chilling wails filling the room.
"He's gone," Edward mutters, his voice hoarse. "He's gone…he's gone…"
xXx
The house has been decorated with Tommie's drawings, and photos of him, a table full of food that no one is touching, sitting in the far corner. There's more people here than I expected, all the kids from his ward, their parents, kids from school, nurses that were with Tommie until the end. Someone's put on a playlist of soft classical, dulcet tones backing quiet conversations.
We join Esme, and Carlisle takes the opportunity to go to the bathroom, begging us to stay with her. Edward crosses his arms, a stony expression on his face. I try to talk to Esme, something shifting under my ribs as I take in her haunted expression. I'm worried what she'll do if she's left alone, and from Carlisle's reaction, so is he.
I take Edward's hand in mine and squeeze. He glances down at our hands, then at Esme and abruptly pulls from my grip, storming out the backdoor. I stare after him helplessly, wanting to go after him but unwilling to leave Esme until Carlisle gets back.
Thankfully he doesn't take long and the second he's by her side I head out back, searching for Edward. It's raining even worse than before, and I squint against the onslaught, heading for the garden shed. I find him, partly under shelter, a lit cigarette hanging from his lips, the tie that had been around his neck thrown by his feet. My eyes drift to the Shed's broken window, splattered with droplets of blood, and then to Edward's blood-soaked hand, hanging at his side. I sigh, reaching for Edward's hand gently.
"Let me, please," I murmur. He grunts but acquiesces and I study the cuts, carefully twisting his wrist to check for shards of glass. "We should probably wrap that up…"
"I don't fucking care," Edward's eyes meet mine, a deep verdant, chaos swirling in their depths.
"There's lots of people here," I say, changing the subject.
"Yeah," Edward mutters, "Tommie would have liked that."
I nod, reaching out to trace my hand across his cheek. I want to ask him if he's okay, but I know it's a stupid question. Of course he isn't.
"I miss him so much," I confess, a sob catching in my throat.
Edward's eyes soften slightly at my tears. "I…" he clears his throat. "Yeah."
I step into him, my hand resting on his hip, my head pressing into his. "What can I do?" I beg. "Tell me what I can-"
He drops his cigarette, his bloody hand wrapping around the back of my neck and pulling me into him, his lips meeting mine. I gasp and his hand tightens on my neck, his tongue driving into my mouth with practiced ease. My belly flutters and I meet his intensity, shivering as his other hand slips under my shirt, his cool hand against my skin sending a jolt up my spine.
"I need you," he breathes against my lips, backing me into the wall of the shed. "I need you right now, baby."
My skin flushes with warmth. "Are you sure?" I start to say, but his tongue steals the words from my mouth and I let him lead me inside, a whimper leaving my lips as he lifts me up onto a table, parting my legs, the shed door slamming closed with a kick of his leg. Our lips meet in a clash of tongues and I pant into his mouth as his strong hands slide my black dress up my legs, a low groan leaving him when his fingers find me wet and wanting. Maybe we shouldn't, maybe this is wrong, but I can't deny him. I just want him to feel better, even if it's just for a second.
"Daisy," he gasps, his long fingers sliding inside of me, his mouth hot as he licks down my neck. I tear at his trousers, desperation filling me. Maybe I needed this too. Just a few seconds to forget, to not feel this. My head leans all the way back when he pushes inside of me, hips flush against mine, my spine tingling at the fullness. He kisses me softer, his hand tangling in my hair and a needy cry leaves my lips as he tugs, his tongue tracing down my jaw to my neck. My legs pin to his sides, a rush going through me as our eyes connect and he draws back, filling me with well-practiced strokes, both of us groaning, my hands slipping under his shirt to touch his hot skin.
"God, I love you," he mumbles, lips meeting mine again. "I fucking love you, so much."
"I love you, I love you," I practically sing, wrapping my arms around him tightly, my eyes rolling back into my head as he picks up the pace, slamming into me with deep, full strokes.
I fall over the edge silently, nails sinking into the skin of his back and he follows me, gasping and groaning, his lips moving over my neck slowly as his body stills.
Our soft pants fill the room but I don't move, burying my face into his neck, breathing him in deeply. We haven't been together since…
I've missed him. I've missed this. Our connection.
I open my mouth to tell him but he suddenly shakes, a choking sob leaving his lips, hot tears burning against the skin of my neck as he cries silently, his hands gripping the table either side of my body. I cry with him, unable to stand seeing him like this, my fingers running through his short hair - already growing back since the last time he shaved it; the last time he ever would.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he gasps against my skin.
"Shh," I soothe, clutching him tighter, pulling him even closer into my body, my heart breaking all over again at his pain. Part of me relaxes, relief mingling with my pain at seeing him finally let go.
After a while, Edward's tears stop and he lifts his head, misty, red-rimmed eyes meeting mine. "Daisy…I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live without him."
"Me neither," I confess, cupping his cheek and pressing my forehead to his. "But we have to. We have to live the life he couldn't; be adventurous, brave, eat ice cream until we're sick. Every single day we'll live for him, okay?"
Edward nods, inhaling sharply. We're silent for a while, but then he sighs.
"I don't want to go back in there."
My fingers drift up his back. "I think…I think Esme needs you in there."
He pulls back from me and searches my eyes before shrugging, "I don't know. I think she's gonna kill herself. She's not eating anymore."
I pause, trying to think of the right thing to say. "Tommie wouldn't want that."
Edward's eyebrows pull together slightly and he nods. "No, he wouldn't. He loved her."
"I know that it's complicated for you, and that you don't owe her anything, but for Tommie, I think you should keep her in your life…if you feel that you can. If not, then I won't judge you, I'm on your side. Whatever you think…"
Edward glances up at me.
"But that's just my opinion," I quickly add.
"Daisy," he murmurs, tilting my chin up, green eyes contemplative. "Don't be scared of me."
I sigh softly. "I'm not scared of you, I'm scared of saying the wrong thing-."
Edward cuts me off by kissing me, a soft, sweet kiss, that takes me by surprise. He pulls back, searching my eyes. "I feel so…fucked up, Bella. I can't promise that's going anywhere for a while. Just…don't leave me, even if I'm an asshole."
"But you're always an asshole," I tease. Edward arches an eyebrow and I smile softly. "I'm here. I'm gonna be here, always. You and me, we're forever, okay?" I lift his wrist and kiss the cursive, Daisy, that I inked across his skin. The matching style to the Masen that slants around my bicep.
My fingers trace down to the bloody cuts on his hand and I sigh. "This is a mess, we need to clean this up."
Edward hums, moving my hair to the side and biting his lip. "I got some blood on you."
I roll my eyes, "Well, I guess we both need to clean up before we talk to everyone in there." I study him. "Will you speak to Esme?"
He sighs. "For Tommie, yes. But Daisy…she's…if she goes off the deep end again, I can't, you understand that right?"
"I know," I soothe.
He frowns and I grab his hand. "Edward…we're gonna be okay, I…I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but we will."
Edward sighs, pressing his forehead to mine. "I know what Tommie would want. And I know he loved you, and that makes me so…fucking grateful." He swallows roughly. "If you keep making me talk like this I'm gonna have to fuck you again. I can't keep feeling like this," he pleads.
"I know, I'm sorry," I murmur, kissing his face, all over, like the way he used to kiss Tommie.
He lets out a half laugh, half sob and pulls me to him, hugging me tightly. "You're my world."
"And you're mine."
:( I always knew we would lose Tommie, it was so hard to have to write it. One left, just the epilogue, if you're still here - thank you xx