The Hell where Youth and Laughter Go
I'm drivin' 'ome for Christmas, but I'm stuck be'ind a gritter
I snorted, listening to Richie as he randomly burst out into out of tune Christmas songs. This rendition was from Mr Weebl's Right Northern Christmas, which was an album in which it took the mick out of all the good Christmas songs. We loved it, it was one sung all through the barracks back home.
It'd been a while since I smiled or laughed; just last week Julian had been killed and I'd been dreaming about him every time I closed my eyes. It was awful, being unable to get to him, while he choked on his own blood. His throat was torn out from the bullet that hit him there, blood spurting from his neck and his mouth, even his nose. It was just…blood red snow. I screamed and bawled just as much as Babe did, begging to go back, but we couldn't and it was two days before his body was brought back. I couldn't look at him, he looked so much like my brother.
I'd avoided every one, for days. I couldn't look at Babe, fearing his wrath, fearing the disdain in his eyes that I'd let his best friend die alone. I kept moving around empty foxholes, trying to get my head together until I was ready to face everyone, but Babe had other ideas and came to find me and since that point, me and him spent a lot of time together.
Oh I'm drivin' 'ome for Christmas, yeah, cause I need to 'it that shitter
"Rich!" I snorted from my foxhole, where Chuck and Babe just seemed bemused. Richie just laughed and mumbled something about how long Chris Rae has been driving home for. "He might be in a tank; they're not that fast."
Rich chuckled and fell silent…but not for long.
Last Christmas, I give ya me 'eart, bu' 't' very next day, tha gave it away;
This year, t' save us me tears, jus' gerrus a chocolate orange, orange
I snorted again, leaning over the foxhole to look at Richie, who turned to me, pointing his finger at me.
Last Christmas, I give ya me 'eart, bu' 't' very next day, tha gave it away;
This year, t' save us from tears, I jus' wanna chocolate orange, they're right nice!
We began a terrible, out of tune duet, but at least it was keeping our spirits up. Well, mine and Richie's at least; Babe looked like he wanted to stuff a pair of socks in my mouth and Chuck just put his hand over his face, muttering something about us being weirdos.
Once bitten, twice shy; like me chocolate orange
I keep me distance but you still catch me eye
Tell me baby, ooh, do ya recognise me?
Well it's bin a year, it doesn't surprise me!
Suddenly, we were accosted by 88s and we shrank back into our foxholes, getting a close call just feet in front of us. When it had finally subsided, we waited for a little longer, in case they decided to start up again.
"They must really hate your singing, ehy Rich?"
"I didn't think it was that bad!"
Christmas Eve
I was making my way through the forest, searching for Lizzie. No one had seen her since earlier that morning and we were all, now, more than worried about her. I began to wonder if she'd been hit or shot or captured by a German patrol, a fear building up in my stomach at the thought of seeing her body splayed out with little dignity, when King perked up. I stopped, the two of us listening to something. It sounded like someone crying.
"Liz?"
Sure enough, there she was. As I walked into a clearing, I found her sitting hunched over on a felled tree, her head in her hands as she softly sobbed, her shoulders shaking and her helmet by her feet. I told King to sit, then walked in front of my friend, crouching and putting my hands on her knees.
"Lizzie?"
"I couldn't do anything!" she sobbed, lifting her head up to look at me; her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. "He bled out and I couldn't do anything!" I knew she was talking about Hoobler. He'd found a Luger after he'd encountered a German on horseback, probably making a cursory patrol of the area and decided to keep it in his pocket. I don't know what happened, but from what Lip told me when he came to ask me to look for Liz, the gun had gone off and poor Hoob was dead before anyone could find out where he'd been hit.
"Oh, oh Lizzie; come 'ere lass." I said getting to my feet and pulling her into a hug. Lizzie wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her head against my chest and cried a little more. "It's not your fault; it probably hit his artery. You wouldn't have been able to do anything even if you'd applied a tourniquet."
"But I'm the nurse Charlie! I should have been able to do something!" She protested and I sighed. I felt much the same about Julian; I was the NCO, I should have been able to do something, to get to him…at least Hoob didn't die alone.
"Lizzie, you tried your best and we all know that. I think knowing that you were trying to save him, might have given him some comfort."
"Yeah…I hope so." She sniffed. "I hate being a nurse."
"I'd say, me too, but y'know." I tried to make her smile and she mustered a little one. "Come on ah lass, let's get back t' t'others." I held out my hand to her, wiggling my red, frozen fingers at her. I could still see the blood under her fingernails, having stained all around her fingers and seeped into her cracked skin, as she took my hand.
I swung our hands between us as we walked back to the others, trying to lift Lizzie's spirits.
"Charlie?"
"Yesyesyes?" I looked up at my pretty friend, who looked exhausted.
"Please don't get hit, I don't think I could cope."
I sighed inwardly. It wasn't something I could exactly promise her, but I plastered on a smile anyway. "Aye aye, I'll do my best."
When we got back, we were greeted by a concerned Lip and Richie.
"Where've you been?" Rich asked Lizzie crossing his arms over his chest. "We've been looking all over for you, we thought somethin' happened to you."
"I needed some space, is that so much to ask?" Lizzie looked at her feet, mirroring his pose. Lip and I shared a look as we watched the two begin to argue. I didn't think it would go as far as it did, until Rich decided that he was going to tell her that something could have happened to one of us while we were looking for her. Lizzie looked unbelievably hurt and shocked me, when she gave Richie the biggest slap I'd ever seen anyone give someone.
"You have no idea what it's like, watching someone's life slip through your fingers every fucking day! I'm tired of this fucking bullshit; I should be at home with my daughter, not here, wondering if me or my friends are going to die every time I hear a pop or a bang!"
Richie looked absolutely stunned, as Lizzie stormed off. He held his hand to his cheek, while me and Lip each wore the same defeated expression. I pinched the bridge of my nose, while Lip sighed and shook his head.
"Mate, I mean, you deserved that." I told him with a sigh, as my best mate looked down at me. "You were out of line, Rich."
"I just meant she needs to be careful! I didn't say that she'd get someone killed."
"No, but that's not what she thinks, dickhead! Hoob just fucking died and she's taken it badly!" I argued. Richie looked overwhelmed with guilt and his shoulders dropped, his head turning to the direction where Lizzie had stormed off in. He admitted that he should probably go and apologise, which, y'know, it's a good place to start.
I noticed Lip looking around and I wondered what he was looking at, until I realised, he was looking at everyone standing and sitting around. More and more, people were dying. Someone was getting hit and taken off the line almost every day and at this point, I wasn't sure if we were all becoming numb to it, just trying to keep afloat or if we were all keeping everything in and just pretending it's all fine.
"Is this worth it?" I heard Lip ask me, quietly and I looked up. His face was set and stern and I sighed; everyone suddenly looked so old.
"Yeah." I almost felt like I was lying to him. Nothing would ever be worth this amount of lives, but I couldn't exactly tell him I thought this whole thing was a travesty and that people are still fighting for rights and equality nearly 80 years on. Lip smiled at me, patting me on the shoulder, but slowly stopping. We both looked down when we felt like we were being stared at. King sat looking at us expectantly. "Lip, you best pet him; he thinks you're petting me."
"See now;" George suddenly appeared between us, curling his arm protectively around my shoulders, "I wouldnta pegged you for that kinda guy sarge, stealing another man's broad an' all."
"He wouldn't be stealing if you carry on with this 'broad' business." I told him, jabbing my finger into his chest. "I'll ditch you of my own accord."
"You wouldn't." My boyfriend feigned mock shock.
"Chuck's still available." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Call me 'broad' one more time."
"Alright sweetheart, I get it!" He looked at Lip, who was chuckling at our performance. "I'll just take this beautiful young lady back to her foxhole." I rolled my eyes, waving Lip goodbye as George tugged me along after him.
"You're not serious, are you?" he asked after a little while.
"Eh? About what?"
"Chuck."
I scoffed, "Are you kidding? Am I serious about ditching you for Chuck?"
"Well…you're close."
I pulled myself out of his grasp, looking at him annoyed, a little hurt. "Are you fucking serious?" I snapped. "George, do you have any idea- oh forget it." I huffed, tucking my hands into my arm pits. "I can't even be bothered." I turned to leave, but I felt his hand grab my arm, stopping me and turning me back to look at him.
"No, tell me what it is." I couldn't tell if he was more angry or nervous.
"You know, that I love you. It's hard for me to tell someone that I love them, you should know that by now." I mean, he should, he knew almost everything else about me. "I know that you might think I'm not committed to you, I understand that; I've not exactly made things smooth, but, but the truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared that you'll just up and leave, I'm scared that if I give you my all, you'll take it and crush it up, just like Lopez did."
George sighed, his face relaxing, light a small weight off his shoulders. He cupped my cheeks in his frozen hands, nudging his nose against mine, like an eskimo, his warm breath tickling my lips. "I'm Luz, not Lopez. I love you just the way you are and I'd never hurt you, even if it was an accident, I wouldn't mean it."
"I know but…if…I'm not…"
"Knock it off, Ed. We're too old to play around. I know what I want and what I want is you." His eyes searched my face, waiting for me to complain or argue again. "And when I say that, I mean I want you with me for always."
"Me too."
"Good! You're stuck with me and I'm stuck with you." George grinned, pecking my lips. "I wish I could kiss you more, but if Foxhole Norman sees us-"
"Don't call him that." I rolled my eyes, turning as we began to walk again. "He's got his own problems…and anyway, once we get out of here, we can take some leave, go away for a while…well, a few days."
"It'd be nice to go somewhere warm."
"George, anywhere but here is better than being here."
"Ain't that the truth."