984Snek is a Good Boy
Part Thirty-Three: Hat Trick
[A/N: This chapter commissioned by Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]
PRT ENE Building
June 13, 2011
Director Emily Piggot
Emily sat at her desk, going through electronic paperwork, a cup of coffee at her elbow. The volume was about the same as it always had been, but the content was decidedly less problematic. There were far fewer incidents that made her want to swear, much less bang her head on the desk.
These days, about the most she needed to do was facepalm mildly, or rub the stress wrinkle that had developed between her eyebrows about three months into the job. Even those events were becoming more and more rare, mostly to do with one Ward or another (usually Clockblocker, but not always) saying something on the record that could really have done with the input of Image before it got aired to the general public. The rest of it was usually to do with Snek pulling off some improbable stunt or other, in his own extremely inimitable way.
So long as the snake kept returning to Brockton Bay, the joint role of the PRT and Protectorate in the city was becoming less and less relevant. As a result, most of the capes in the Protectorate and Wards were due to transfer out to other departments come the first of July, along with the bulk of the troopers, and the building would be relegated to being more of an administrative location. At the same time, Emily would be making her final decision whether to transfer somewhere in an advisory capacity—ten years of running the PRT in her own personal hell-hole had left her with some extremely expensive life lessons—or just retire and claim her pension.
In the meantime, she was absolutely going to do her job to the very best of her ability, no matter how much weird shit cropped up in her city. These days, this tended to be less cape-related and more Snek-adjacent, though sometimes the two overlapped, such as the Yackety Sax Empire incident. That one had actually managed to startle a chuckle out of her.
Three thumps sounded from inside her personal en-suite. Quite apart from the fact that nobody should be in there, that sounded quite familiar. "Snek?" she called out, her hand finding the duress alarm and readying to yank it back if she didn't get the required response. "Is that you?"
"Yess, blue ssuit lady." Yes, that was definitely him. Given the nicknames he had bestowed upon certain members of the Protectorate and Wards ('pointy metal stick man' and 'cat head boy' not only came to mind, but outright grabbed at the attention), she figured she'd gotten off lightly. "May Ssnek come in?"
"Certainly. Come on in." As she clicked the duress alarm to the first catch, she didn't even find it strange that he'd shown up while she was thinking about him. 'What the hell has Snek done recently' was an extremely active topic on the PHO boards, including a recent confrontation with Circus.
The androgynous villain had produced one item or weapon after another from some weird personal pocket dimension, while Snek disarmed them just as rapidly with what appeared to be his tongue, stowing the objects somewhere out of sight, up to and including cartoonish bombs with lit fuses. Nothing had fazed him, and Circus had eventually run out of gear and attempted to flee after Snek appeared to eat their oversized hammer.
Circus, to nobody's surprise, was now residing in a cell, looking extremely grumpy.
"Thank you, blue ssuit lady." The door opened, and the first ten feet of Snek slithered into her office proper. Emily knew now that he utilised teleport portals to go where he needed to, so no doubt there would be one back in the en-suite. It certainly explained the way he'd emerged from a room far too small to contain him by any stretch of the imagination.
He was wearing his trademark fedora, which now sported a blue-green feather. More unusually, perched on his broad snout was a hearth-dragon: the first she'd seen personally. She'd viewed the available photos and footage of the latest additions to New Wave, but the electronic media utterly failed to do justice to the little creatures. About eighteen inches tall and a rich sky-blue from nose to tail, it looked around her office with bright, inquisitive eyes and let out a high-pitched chirp that sounded for all the world like it was greeting her.
Which it probably was, given what she'd heard about them. And there was one other thing: she was not the type to coo over a basket of puppies or kittens, but something about it called to her. Perhaps it was the fact that there was nothing soft or ineffectual in its form; its teeth were sharp, or there was a distinct intelligence behind its eyes.
"Ah … hello," she said carefully. She knew building security would be watching and listening, but doing nothing other than that. "It's good to see you again, Snek. And this is …?"
"Ssnek iss pleassed to ssee blue ssuit lady again, too. Ssnek hass ssaid to Masster that blue ssuit lady iss unhappy and needss help. Masster hass ssaid Ssnek can take hearth-dragon to blue ssuit lady. Here Ssnek iss."
"Wait." Emily blinked. "You brought it here … for me?" The notion utterly disarmed her. Little to no detail had been given about how three members of New Wave had acquired their draconic companions, and she'd had the vague notion that they'd assisted in defeating some great evil while in Snek's world and been awarded the company of the creatures as a thank-you.
But now Snek was in her office, basically saying, 'here, you can have one too'.
Spreading its wings, the hearth-dragon hopped into the air and flew the short distance to her desk. It landed gracefully, furled its wings, and looked at her with an interrogatory chirp. The sound was neither impatient nor coaxing; more along the lines of 'well, are we going to give this a try?'. She stared at it, unable to decide what to do.
"Um," she said at last. "What if … what if we're not compatible?" The absolute last thing she wanted was for it to be heartbroken over a promised human not being interested in having it around. She'd never had a pet before. But then again, these things were far more than mere pets.
"If blue ssuit lady doess not want hearth-dragon, Ssnek will take back to Masster. Other humanss there." Snek managed to convey the impression of 'no pressure' without ever using the words. "Wanted to meet blue ssuit lady first."
"Oh." Emily paused. "So, uh, was that the only reason you came here?"
"Blue ssuit lady iss very ssmart," Snek said admiringly. "Ssnek wantss to find and eat sspiccy rock monsster Be-he-moth. Where can Ssnek find, pleasse?"
Emily blinked. "Ah, as I understand things, he's generally down near the earth's core, sorry. Three or four thousand miles down."
Snek smiled. "Thank you, blue ssuit lady. Ssnek will go find." He paused. "If blue ssuit lady needss Ssnek help, call for Ssnek. Ssnek will come." Then he wriggled backward into the en-suite and closed the door behind him.
"Well, that happened." There was a metric ton to be analysed and unpacked from that short conversation, but right at that moment Emily had another matter to deal with. She looked at the hearth-dragon again. "So, what's your name?"
It dropped to all fours and trotted across the desk to her, carefully avoiding a stack of papers. Once it was alongside her laptop, it sat up on its haunches and gave her an inquiring chirp. The noise had no words in it, but somehow she understood two things: first, 'it' was a 'she'; and second, it was Emily's job to choose a name for her.
"Well, now," she said, taking the time to look the little dragon over properly. "You are very pretty, aren't you?" She wasn't even saying it to be nice; the creature fitted every definition of 'cute' she'd ever seen, while the sharp, dark, intelligent eyes followed her every move. The dragon chirped agreeably, evidently understanding and approving of her assessment.
There were approximately two dozen reasons why she shouldn't be initiating unprotected contact with an unverified, un-decontaminated organism from an entire other version of Earth, but none of them seemed to matter right then. Reaching up, she cautiously stroked her hand over the little dragon's head. It—she—crooned softly, pressing into the contact with evident enjoyment.
The scales were smooth to the touch, and quite warm. Despite the lizard-like appearance, hearth-dragons were apparently endotherms (which made them closer to the current ideas about dinosaurs) and they were definitely affectionate (which didn't). Also, the sky-blue colour wasn't uniform in nature; each scale was textured and shaded in a way that would make the most talented movie CGI artists weep with envy.
All that aside, whether she wanted the company of a hearth-dragon or not, she got the impression that this was very much a once in a lifetime offer, and she very much did not wish to offend Snek or his enigmatic Master by simply rejecting it out of hand, or by mistreating the hearth-dragon while she was in Emily's care.
"So," she mused. "Two very important questions. What shall I call you, and what do you eat?"
At the word 'eat', the hearth-dragon perked up and essayed a hopeful chirp. Despite the fact that she was evidently well-fed and healthy, she turned on the puppy-dog eyes to a degree that Emily had rarely seen even in actual puppies. Emily had to chuckle as she stroked the dragon's head and neck again.
"One second," she said. "I do not want to poison you." She took up her phone—still stroking the dragon with her other hand; it was a strangely soothing activity—and hit speed-dial for a particular number.
The phone was answered after one ring. "Brandish here, Director. What's the situation?"
Emily cleared her throat. "This is going to sound very strange, but … what do hearth-dragons eat?"
"You're correct. It does sound very strange. Why are you asking? Because I can't see you calling me up out of idle curiosity."
"No, true." Emily grimaced. She hadn't wanted this information to get out until she knew where she was going with matters. "Snek just showed up and left a hearth-dragon with me. So, um, what do they eat?" The entire 'unhappy and needss help' thing could be left to one side unless she was really pressed about it. That was nobody's business but hers (and apparently the hearth-dragon's).
She heard the smile blooming on Brandish's face, clear across the phone line. "Oh, that's wonderful! We're going to have to bring ours around, so they can get to know each other. What's its name?"
"I hadn't given her a name yet," Emily hedged. "About her diet?"
"Oh, Amy assures me that their digestive systems are incredibly efficient. They'll eat anything we can, and a few other things beside. Can you send me a photo? The others will be thrilled."
"Hold on." Emily looked at the hearth-dragon. "I just need to take a picture of you. Do you understand?"
The little dragon understood alright; as Emily aimed the camera, she preened, half-unfurling one wing to show off the delicate structure. There was one more word to be added to their description, Emily decided as she took not one, but four different images: vain. They loved to be admired.
"Photos coming through. Thank you for that, Brandish. We'll talk again soon."
"No problem, and thank you. Have fun." The call ended.
Emily pondered the call as she opened the drawer where she kept a stash of protein bars for when the exigencies of work precluded leaving her desk for a meal in the commissary. Those days were getting fewer all the time, which meant she had a good supply at the moment.
As for the phone call with Brandish, that had been decidedly strange when measured against her previous experience with the woman. Lawyer and superhero by turns, Brandish was always businesslike and on point; and so she had been, right up until the hearth-dragon was mentioned. After that, she'd pivoted seamlessly to being thrilled about the situation.
Emily recalled the conversation she'd had with Psyche about the potential impact of hearth-dragons on the world. If someone as humourless as Brandish could be persuaded to show their human side via a little dragon companionship, then there was definitely more to hearth-dragons than met the eye. So far, everything she'd been told about their empathy and emotional impact seemed to be accurate, but she was not yet convinced that she personally needed one.
"Here you go," she said, proffering a protein bar. "Would you like me to open it for you?"
Chirping a negative—it was amazing how fast her ear had learned to distinguish minor tonal shifts—the hearth-dragon politely accepted it, removed the wrapper neatly, and devoured the bar within, showing every sign of enjoyment.
"Well, I'm glad you liked that." Emily was fully aware that the security team was still observing her, but she didn't much care. "So, as for your name. You're blue and you have hidden depths, so I believe I will call you Sapphire. Do you like that?"
The newly named Sapphire chirped happily and rubbed her head up and down along Emily's arm. As Emily scratched the hearth-dragon between the wings—Sapphire arched her back into it, showing unmistakable enjoyment—she decided to take that as a yes.
"Well, I've got to get back to work," she said. Picking up the discarded wrapper, she crumpled it and dropped it into the trashcan beside the desk. "But you're welcome to make yourself comfortable. Let me know if you need anything else."
Sapphire promptly found an unoccupied section of desk and curled up on it like a cat, chin propped on her tail, with one beady eye still watching Emily. Purring didn't seem to be in the hearth-dragon wheelhouse, but when Emily reached out and stroked her, Sapphire let out a gentle rumble of appreciation.
"Did you get all that?" she asked out loud.
"Yes, ma'am." It was Rodriguez, in the security station. Sapphire cocked her head slightly, but didn't sit up. "Snek stopped in to give you a hearth-dragon, told you he was going to eat Behemoth, and asked for directions. Also, hearth-dragons like protein bars."
Emily had to give him props for being able to say all that without stuttering or laughing out loud. "Correct. Please send the footage to the techs for analysis, and contact Dragon regarding the placement of Behemoth. If we can help vector Snek onto him, do it. Also, make sure whoever comes in here to reset my duress alarm knows about the hearth-dragon."
"Roger that, ma'am."
Emily stroked Sapphire again—it was amazing how calming the act was—then returned her focus to her work. Even in a world where giant snakes casually swung by to drop off a passenger on their way to chow down on a city-ending terror, paperwork was a constant.
After a few moments, she took the time to open a chat window and compose a message.
PRIVATE MESSAGE
To: GoodGirlRiley
From: Director_Piggot_PRT_ENE
Subject: Care and feeding of hearth-dragons
Good morning (or afternoon, or evening).
As you may know, Snek has delivered a hearth-dragon to me from your employer.
So far, we are getting along quite well, and Brandish has explained to me that they can eat essentially anything humans can eat.
However, I would appreciate it if you could give me any other information about them that I need to know about.
Thank you,
Director Emily Piggot, PRT ENE
Snek
Snek comes out of wriggle-hole into broken place. Is city that is not city anymore. Buildings all in piles. Tickle of what Master calls ra-di-a-tion. Will not hurt Snek, but will hurt people. No people here anymore, which is good. Snek does not like when people get hurt.
Blue suit lady has told Snek where spicy rock monster Be-he-moth is, so now Snek can find him. Snek sniffs around city-not-city until he smells strongest scent of spicy rock monster Be-he-moth. Is where he dug into ground again. Spicy rock monster Be-he-moth is hiding deep, but Snek can taste him in rock.
Snek begins to dig down. Would be faster to use wriggle-hole, but Snek cannot make wriggle-hole into rock, so digs. Snek is very strong, can dig really fast.
Scent is getting stronger as Snek digs deeper. Rock stops being hard and starts being soft. Is easier to swim through rock than dig. Snek is happy.
But when Snek gets closer to spicy rock monster Be-he-moth, he swims away. Snek tries to catch spicy rock monster Be-he-moth, but is not fast enough. Scent is still strong, but Snek cannot catch him.
Snek chases spicy rock monster Be-he-moth, hoping he will get tired before Snek does. Spicy rock monster Be-he-moth does not get tired.
Snek is not smart as Master or blue suit lady, but Snek knows hunting and chasing. Is easier to catch prey when they are running toward Snek, not away. Snek swims upward through swimmy rock and hard rock to air.
Snek calls for shadow-Snek, and shadow-Snek comes out of feather in hat. Is good feather. Master is very wise and powerful. Shadow-Snek has skull of lion this time. Is good skull. Very frightening.
Snek can dig through rock, but spicy rock monster Be-he-moth can dig faster. Shadow-Snek is shadow, and does not need to dig. Shadow-Snek goes into ground, chasing spicy rock monster Be-he-moth. Snek follows over ground as shadow-Snek finds scent.
Spicy rock monster Be-he-moth swims away from shadow-Snek. Shadow-Snek chases, gets under spicy rock monster Be-he-moth. Snek waits as spicy rock monster Be-he-moth swims and digs upward.
Ground rumbles under Snek, then spicy rock monster Be-he-moth digs out of ground. "Hello," says Snek.
Spicy rock monster Be-he-moth tries to leap away from Snek, but Snek is faster. Snek bites spicy rock monster Be-he-moth on leg. Is very spicy.
Snek likes spicy food.
PRIVATE MESSAGE
To: Director_Piggot_PRT_ENE
From: GoodGirlRiley
Subject: Re: Care and feeding of hearth-dragons
Hi Director,
What you've got there is a sky-dragon. Her wings are optimised for flying high and gliding long distances, and her eyesight is really good. She'll want to go for a good long flight on the regular, but she'll understand if you can't manage it every day.
They're really good at being understanding overall, just saying.
Also, they'll definitely eat anything, but they love bacon and toast. They won't actually steal the food from your plate, but they're really good at begging. (Don't worry about overfeeding; it's hard for them to get overweight.)
Don't worry about diseases; there's nothing we've got that they can catch, and vice versa.
In case you were wondering, the boss picked her out from a bunch of volunteers.
If you bond with her (trust me, you'll know if you're bonded) she'll be sharing some capabilities with you. Specifically, you'll be able to fall any distance without getting hurt, and your distance vision will become downright phenomenal.
Anyway, if you've got more questions, feel free to ask.
Riley
Dragon
Even without the heads-up from the PRT ENE, Dragon would've known something was up from the way seismographs all over the world were registering ongoing disturbances from deep in the earth. They were only minuscule, but they were consistent and painted a very interesting picture. Behemoth was on the move, faster than he'd ever moved before, and he wasn't the only one.
There was something following him, chasing him. Even if she hadn't known it was Snek, she would've figured out that he was fleeing pursuit eventually. The pattern of movement was unmistakeable.
As it was, the enigmatic, personable monster from another world had revealed another aspect of his insanely powerful makeup. Not one cape in ten thousand had the capability to get down to the Earth's core, and none of them could go toe to toe with the monster once they got there. The fact that Behemoth was running from him merely demonstrated that the three Endbringers had been able to communicate with each other somehow, and that either Leviathan or the Simurgh had gotten off a warning before they were destroyed.
On the downside, while Snek could get down to that level, he wasn't actually able to catch up with the fleeing Endbringer. There wasn't any place that Behemoth could actually hide, but the interior of the Earth was a huge place, and he could draw out the pursuit more or less forever. All he had to do was keep running.
The problem was, while it was entertaining to watch an Endbringer fleeing for its very life, this wasn't actually getting the job done. Snek apparently realised this, because he broke off pursuit after several laps of the outer core and one of the mantle. Digging up to the surface, he broke off pursuit … or did he?
Dragon wasn't sure about what happened next, because just a little later, Behemoth started moving again, in the same pattern of fleeing as before. Only this time, Snek was following along from above, even as Behemoth neared the surface. Impelled by something down beneath him, Behemoth breached into open air, not a hundred yards from where Snek lay in wait.
Right behind him was … another Snek. Except it wasn't. The other Snek had the same basic proportions, but its body was shadowy and its head was the skull of a lion.
Dragon had seen this before, and a split-second check of the databanks confirmed it. Aasdier! That's Aasdier! How in God's name did Snek steal Moord Nag's pet monster?
She suspected she'd never learn the full truth of it, but it really didn't matter then, because Snek had just bitten Behemoth in the leg, as the monster attempted to flee once more. Dragon had a suit incoming, but it was still a distance away from Death Valley, where Snek's shadowy companion had forced Behemoth to the surface. For the moment, she was going to have to depend on any satellites she could vector over that location.
The lion skull also sank its fangs into Behemoth, while Snek whipped his body around to wrap up the Endbringer in his trademark move. Behemoth tried to fight back, pouring all kinds of energy into Snek and the shadow creature, but it appeared Snek's Master had prepared him well for this encounter. As Behemoth's moves became jerkier and more desperate, the massive length of Snek's body continued to wrap inexorably around him.
As the unequal combat went on—Snek was already ripping away chunks of Behemoth's rocky 'flesh' and swallowing them whole—Dragon concentrated on getting all the footage she could. Converting it to a usable format, she beamed it via various satellites to the PRT and Guild headquarters; they absolutely had to see this. For herself, she kind of wished she could sit back and enjoy the show with popcorn, because Behemoth had had this coming for a long, long time.
When Snek succeeded in tearing away Behemoth's left leg in its entirety, that was the beginning of the end. Behemoth struggled even harder, but his obsidian claws could get no purchase on Snek's obdurate scales. The hottest flames, the most intense lightning, the overpressure sound that sent out shockwaves visible on the satellite images for literally miles away, the blasts of radiation that cooked the already molten sand beneath them all over again … it did him no good whatsoever.
Piece by piece, Snek squeezed Behemoth into submission and ripped away bits of him, to be ingested with every evidence of enjoyment. When his massive gleaming fangs tore open Behemoth's chest and ripped out what might have been his heart (the satellite cameras couldn't get a good picture from that angle) and the remains of the monster's body went still, it was almost a mercy.
Snek didn't stop there, of course. He finished consuming Behemoth's body, leaving behind only the scars on the landscape to show that the battle had ever taken place. Once he was done, he created one of those 'wriggle-holes' and dived into it, followed by the shadow-creature that had once belonged to Moord Nag.
The portal closed, and Dragon did the electronic equivalent of leaning back and sighing with relaxation.
Well, she told herself. That's going to get a reaction.
End of Part Thirty-Three