A/N: I can't believe that I wrote a fanfic in a game I initially treated as black comedy fodder, then got broken by its sad themes, and put myself back together to be able to parody it again.

Disclaimer: Doki Doki Literature Club is a freeware game released by Team Salvato; the game and all other media references here belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended. So stop gatekeeping.


Klub Literatury Bum Bum, Bu-bum

One day the door opened and Sayori came in with a boy on tow.

"I'm so glad you're joining the Literature Club," Sayori said.

"Czekaj, to nie jest piwnica, to tam spotyka się klub hydrauliczny," the boy protested.

Monika looked up see the boy Sayori brought in. "Hey, Sayori, who's your friend?" she asked sweetly.

"He's our club's newest member!" she said in delight.

"Nie," he protested.

"Meet our clubmates," she continued, oblivious to the language barrier. "You already know me, Sayori." Then she gestured to the others. "This is Natsuki."

"Must you bring a boy," protested the pink-haired midget.

"And Yuri!"

Yuri blushed. "Uh-, hi!" She withdraw under a cardboard box.

"And our president, Monika!" She gestured proudly to the beautiful brunette with green eyes and long hair bundled in a white ribbon.

O nie, jak się stąd wydostanę?, he thought.

"Oh, now our club is complete," she cooed in delight. She picked up her pen and pad. "So, what's your name?"

"Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz," he answered.

Monika stared back in confusion. "Eh..."

"Brzęczyszczykiewicz," he repeated helpfully.

She blinked her eyes and started to try to write his name, struggling to comprehend the Black Speech. "Ugh... Pshe…shchi…bzie…shch…ps…ps…bzie," she phonetically repeated, trying to scribble the name correctly.

"Brzęczyszczykiewicz," he quoted.

"Arrrggh!" she cried, her mind close to snapping. "Yuri!" Then she cleared her throat. "Yuri," she called, causing the shy bookworm to peer out of her box.

"Yes?" she asked hesitantly.

"Get the laptop and type in his name," the president ordered.

"Okay," she did as she was told, booting the laptop.

"State your name, please?" she asked politely.

"Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz."

"Ugh, okay." She started typing the name, with great difficulty. "Anything else?"

"Chrząszczyżewoszyce powiat Łękołody," he answered, much to the confusion of the rest of the club.

"Hey, everyone!" Natsuki called out, "this guy is Polish. He can't speak a word without a translation." She held out a book a to him. "Maybe this will help."

The boy took the book, finally having a way out of his predicament. "My hovercraft is yacht of eels." Now the girls were even more befuddled. Except Yuri was wide-eyed with shock at the book Natsuki gave him - it was her book!

He was confused. "Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?" he asked.

"What the hell!?" Monika snapped.

"Six and six," he said, attempting another entry in the book. "Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait 'til lunchtime."

"Get out!" Monika started up and grabbed the scruff of his collar.

"My nipples explode with delight!" he protested as he was shoved out the room, followed by a slam. Monika sank back on her chair in relief it was over.

"I'm sorry, Monika," Sayori apologized for the ruckus.

"Sayori, what were you thinking bringing some weirdo to the club?" she asked, pretty upset with her green eyes glaring.

"I just wanted to help the club," she moped in guilt. "It was a cunning plan."

"Remind me that your cunning plan to solve our finances was getting a sponsorship from Manscaping," Monika recalled blithely.

"I'm sorry about that."

"And that one time we tried to collaborate with the Photography Club with a photoshoot that would've involved us being brutally done over by Khajit cosplayers."

"Ehehehehe..." she twiddled her fingers as she chuckled like a naughty secret has been revealed.

"Now we're back to square one," she sighed.

Yuri then chirped, "He has my Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook."

The club president moaned. "Square minus eleven, then."


Meanwhile, Grzegorz descended down the basement to see what happened on his absence. "O kurwa." The Plumbing Club was blown to bits by the moonshine they were distilling, where the pot-bellied copper still was overpressured until they couldn't control it.

Then he saw among those blown up were a poser critics association who routinely prowled FFN who tell on authors and fics that do not conform to their anal-retentive standards of observing the site's regulations.

"Very nice!" He gave a thumbs-up while the Polish national anthem blared.

Then a genie popped out. "Nazywam się Abuyin ibn Djadir ibn Omar Kalid Ben Hadji al Sharidi," he introduced himself, " Jestem mendrcem i wrużbitą, astrologiem i znawcą tytoniu."


A/N: Grzegorz comes from the cult Polish comedy film How I Unleashed World War II, which popularized that iconic scene. Guess all the Polish I added in here, XD Would you like Natsuki to serve to you pączki?