Some quirks were not meant to be stolen.

In theory that was something, he should have learned a long time ago. After all, some quirks were just plain bad. Like he met some guy whose quirk was cancer. Just cancer! He couldn't give people cancer, he just had cancer. It didn't kill him or anything. Or maybe it did? That was a long ass time ago. But…

Wait.

Where was he going with that?

Wait. Where was he going now?

Right.

He was going to bed.

Because he was drunk.

And he didn't even drink!

He just had a quirk that made him drunk now!

It wasn't even that he wanted to be drunk. That hero, some Chinese Hero that was on vacation made it seem like it was the best thing ever! He could dodge so easily, and even when he got his body just didn't seem to get hurt. He had honestly thought that the quirk was something like seeing the flow or something or some kung-fu mastery quirk.

Nope.

Just Drunk.

So.

Now he had a drunk quirk.

A quirk that made him drunk.

And where the fuck was he?

He stumbled on the rocky slightly uneven path he had been walking down. This looked exactly the same as the last path he had walked down. Was he walking in circles? No, circles were like wooo, but this was more like weee, and weee was like a square or some other angular bullshit.

He smacked his lips and looked down at the river he had been stumbling next to. He was still in Tokyo right? Or at the very least in Japan right? The GPS quirk in his head said so. Unless it was drunk like he was.

Could quirks get drunk?

Were quirks people?

Kind of.

"Where am I?" He spun around, his own arm smacking him in the chest by the sheer momentum. He shrugged when he saw a comfortable-looking spot on the ground and made his way over there. "I can figure it out later. Sleep should help."

He took a few short steps and stumbled into the tree before he slid down and ultimately landed on his back.

He was just about to pass out when he heard the most obnoxious sound in the god damn world.

A child.

Specifically, a child crying.

It wasn't even the terrified crying it was the obnoxious genuinely sad crying that gnawed at the back of his mind and made it so fucking impossible to sleep. With a low growl, he sat up and glared around the park he was currently trying to take a nap in. "Kid!"

No response.

"Crying little shit!"

He heard a gasp.

With a drunken stumble that somehow didn't end with him lying face down in the creek, he moved towards the noise and finally found the obnoxious little shit. He had green hair, and a freckled face, and looked like he had the shit beaten out of him by life. Which was pretty much a hard fucking mood.

"Why the fuck are you crying?" He slurred, barely standing with the aid of an arm braced against a tree. The little brat looked up at him with tearful eyes. Little shit had the balls to wear an All Might shirt in front of him? What the flying fuck? He should just take this kid's quirk and be done with it.

There was no way it could be worse than being fucking drunk all the time!

Seriously he had to pee.

"Huh?" He barked at the kid who cowered slightly.

"I don't have a quirk."

Ahh. That was marginally worse than being drunk all the time. At least being drunk he wouldn't be boring.

"Bahh!" He bleated like a sheep and slid to sit down next to the crying pants shitter. Wait, which one of them was that? "No quirk?"

"No." the child scooted away. Smart. He wouldn't want to sit next to himself either. Especially not a drunk him. That must be so fucking annoying. "I'm quirkless."

"Pffft." He snorted and waved his hand. "That's nothing. Alright, kid, if I give you a quirk will you stop crying?"

He could give the kid this stupid drunk quirk!

Would it ruin this punk's life?

Hell yes.

Was he willing to live with that?

If it weighed too much on his consciousness he could just kill the kid.

Really it was win-win!

Why didn't he think of doing this sooner?

"How?" The boy asked like he had suddenly grown a pair of balls that just about made him respectable. As respectable as a little shit could be. "I don't think you can—"

"I can! That's my quirk! I can give people quirks! I'm like Quirk Santa clause or some shit. Guess I missed your house. Your mother must not love you that much." If the kid cried he'd just kill him.

"Umm, really?"

"Yeah! To everything. Here. Bring me your head and I'll give you a quirk!" He waved him over and held out his hand.

The green-haired dumbass decided to listen and he felt that brief sense of sympathy for the little shit. He'd make a great henchman if he managed to grow up. But then again he was about to be a drunk for life. The kid really was quirkless. There wasn't anything to take inside his quirk holes, instead, it was just hollow. That basically meant he'd be great at carrying a bunch of quirks no problem.

With a light hum, he concentrated, mostly on the moisture that was running down his leg as he pissed himself, but also on giving the kid a quirk.

Which quirk again?

Oh, the drunk quirk.

Yep.

The drunk quirk.

The quirk that made him drunk.

With the job done he let out a long yawn and waved the kid off. "There you go you little shit, now stop crying you have a quirk. Go show it to your friends or something."

The kid, whatever the fuck his name was just looked at his hands and smiled ear to fucking ear. It was almost enough to make him want to turn over a new leaf. Nah. Fuck that. "Thanks, Mister! I'm not sure what you did but I feel different now!"

"Whatever you little pissant, now let me sleep and go play in traffic with your friends."

The little shit ran off, leaving him to sleep peacefully in the park. Hopefully, after a little nap, this drunk quirk would wear off. And who the hell shit pissed his pants?

"Deku? What the hell! Give me back my quirk!"

Oh shit.

The sobriety that those words brought created a deep pit in his stomach that only lasted until this drunk quirk topped him off.

AN: this is a one shot, I'm not going to continue it.