42Title: A Prettyish Kind of Wilderness
Setting: Modern AU
Rating: K
Chapters: 3
Blurb: "It is a consolidated tradition for the best man, I believe, to completely humiliate the groom during the wedding toast. Or, the tale of how Lizzy and Darcy lent both hands at Jane and Charles' housewarming party. Or, Pride and Prejudice in an afternoon.
I am not mother tongue & I am still looking for a beta reader, so if you find errors in spelling, grammar, incorrect usage of vocabulary or weird turn of phrases, feel free to let me know.
By the way, the complete title of this thing is "A Prettyish Kind of a Little Wilderness", but I will be referring to it as Pickle for brevity (Pickle is prettier to pronounce than PKLW). See after the chapter for more notes.
["It is a consolidated tradition for the best man, I believe, to completely humiliate the groom during the wedding toast, as Darcy did at my own wedding last year. He brought up this college anecdote about some ananas and a goat in my bathroom and at the end of his toast, all of our guests were rolling on the floor in laughter. I too was on the floor, hiding from my new father-in-law's incinerating look. Ever since then, I have started plotting my revenge. So you can imagine the glee with which I accepted to be Darcy's best man today.
"To the few guests that don't know me yet: hello, I'm Charles Bingley, best man and brother-in-law to the bride, our Lizzy. Now, can I get a big round of applause for our just-married couple? They are going to need all the cheer they can to get through this toast.
"Thank you. Now, about this humiliating speech. I must admit that when I actually started writing it, I found myself in a pickle. There are absolutely no humiliating anecdotes about Darcy since he has led an irreproachable life from age three. What was I going to talk about? Which is when I asked my Jane for help."
"Hello, I am Jane Bingley, maid of honour. Traditionally, the maid of honour and best man make two separate toasts, but as we were both in a pickle about our speeches, we decided to make a single one. Of course, we talked about this with Darcy and Lizzy and they approve."
"But they have no idea of what we are going to talk about! That is very important. I don't think they would have let us, had they known."
"I hope they wouldn't have limited our right to free speech, Charles. But you are right, Lizzy has been bugging me about this toast for months now. Well, I will tell you in a moment. Before I begin, I would like to wish Lizzy and Darcy you again all the love and happiness in the world. You both deserve this so much, and I am so glad I helped this happen. Dear guests— ah, I can not start crying, I have a speech to make — Dear guests. Friends and family. Charles and I decided to share with you the story of how Lizzy met Darcy, or how Darcy met Lizzy. It was an obvious choice, as we were both directly involved in it and we are quite sure that without our interference we would not be where we are today. Our story starts almost exactly one year ago, on the day Charles and I were going to give our housewarming party, at Netherfield. Now. It pains me to say this, Lizzy, but…
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that, at the time, Elizabeth Bennet was a magnet for rude, oblivious men who kept making inappropriate comments and could not realize when their attentions were unwanted. Exhibit A: George Wickham."]
–o–
Elizabeth Bennet, successful lawyer and judicious driver, forebode finding half a dozen speed tickets in the mail the following day.
In her defence, was she truly breaking the law if she was racing across deserted country roads, where she had met no one in the last ten miles?
Yes, she was.
Elizabeth sighed. If Mrs de Bourgh, founding partner of her law firm, had not insisted on a last-minute meeting, she would already be at Netherfield, freshly showered and in her party dress.
Elizabeth's phone buzzed and she answered through the steering wheel, sure that it would be Jane, wondering why she was so late.
"Jane, I'm so so sorry, my meeting got too long, I'm on my way right—"
"Going to a party? I want to go to a party too. Do they have marshmallows there?"
Elizabeth instantly recognized the voice and recoiled: George Wickham.
Every junior associate at her law firm had to take at least two pro bono cases a month. Most times she would meet a kind, respectable client who didn't have the economical means to hire a lawyer (like the dear Miss Bates, who had made her a pair of hand-knitted mittens after she had helped her niece file for divorce), but this time she had had no such luck.
George Wickham had at first seemed a refined man, with good personal hygiene and capable of going at the stand. His case had was a simple one, if a bit disgusting. Yes, it would not be so bad, Elizabeth had considered.
The illusion had lasted until he had found out her personal cellphone number.
Elizabeth was tempted to hang up right there but her professional instincts kicked in. "Mr Wickham, are you drunk?"
"Well, hello to you too, Miss Lizzy-bitsy."
"Mr Wickham, please refrain from addressing me as anything but 'Miss Bennet'. And may I remind you that you are under trial for urinating in a public place while under the influence, so you should mind your drinking habits?"
"Relax, Lizzy-bitsy. I'm on my sofa, no public here. And it's not alcohol, it's just… pot. Pit, pat? What's the word? It's mostly properly legal on this end of the country, nothing to worry about."
"If you aren't dying of cancer, I should probably be worried."
"I am dying of cancer?" He was dumbstruck. "I am… dying… of cancer… Is it cancer in the chest? I can't possibly get an implant now. I am facing a trial! What would the jury say?"
Elizabeth heard the signal for another incoming call. This time it was truly Jane, but Lizzy could only let it fall through. Her frustration with Wickham rose.
"Was there a specific reason for your call, Mr Wickham?"
"Of course there is. Only I can't remember it right now. Oh, oh, here it is. In the Law and Order episode, I am watching," Elizabeth had to groan, "that McCoy genius, he had brains, that one, he says the guilty are not guilty or something, anyway, I think I will plead not guilty, looks well on the jury."
"Mr Wickham, there will be no jury for your trial. And we have already talked about this. You are guilty: there are surveillance videos, witnesses, and may I remind you that you tried to bite the police officer during the arrest—"
"Yeah, well, whatever. I shall plead not guilty, thank you very much, missish, missish miss. And, you know? You are fired, you. I will represent myself, yada-yada-yada."
He would not remember that resolution in the morning, but one could hope. Elizabeth noticed Netherfield's gates at the end of the road and decided she had earned her pay for that day. "Mr Wickham. I have to leave you now. I will arrange a meeting to discuss this during work hours. Enjoy your weekend."
Elizabeth parked in front of the gates and saw that Jane had already left her a message:
"Lizzy, you didn't answer my call, so either you are on the road or you are still stuck in one of those odious meetings. :( There was a problem with the catering so Charles and I are going to pick up the cake. If we are not back before you arrive you know where to find the key. The alarm is on, so remember the code. I left clean towels in the blue bathroom and there is your favourite herbal tea in the kitchen if you need to relax. Tell me when you arrive xx"
It was official, Jane was the sweetest soul in the world. And the only person still using those emoticons.
Elizabeth messaged Jane that she had arrived and slowly led the car through the driveway, admiring Netherfield's facade and garden. When she had first visited the old farmhouse, six months before, the building was a veritable ruin. Elizabeth had been sceptic, but Jane and Charles had worked hard to restore the house to its original splendour and here they were today, moving in.
The garden especially had been a miracle. From Elizabeth's perspective — she had visited the house more or less once a month during the renovation — it had sprung to life from one day to another, bringing vibrant colour where all had been stark and barren before. Elizabeth had only explored a small part of it, but she had already declared it her favourite place on Earth.
She parked the car in the garage and let herself in the house. Ten minutes later she was showered and into the practical dress she meant to wear at the party. Just as she started blow-drying her curls, Jane rang again.
"Hello, how is it going with the cake?"
"Not well, we are stuck in traffic. I'm so happy we will be living in the country from now on. Charles says hello."
"Hello, Charles. And thank you for the super plushy towels. So, what happened with the catering?"
"I'm not sure, they said something about the delivery guy being unavailable… But I didn't call for that. I just wanted to tell you that Darcy may arrive while we are still out too."
"Darcy who?"
Elizabeth did not have the time to find out, as she heard the doorbell ring.
–o–
"Charles, there is no key under the doormat. Or in the numerous flower pots in the patio."
"Then maybe Lizzy is already there?"
"Lizzy who?"
"Jane's sister. Just ring the bell."
Darcy huffed but rang the bell. "Who is this Jane's sister supposed to be? The one studying sonography?"
"No, that's Mary, she is in Alaska doing some kind of internship…"
Jane interrupted them and started to explain that Mary was not studying sonography but whale vocalization, but in the meantime, Elizabeth had arrived at the front door and reclaimed her attention. "Are we completely sure this is Darcy? I am not letting in a random psycho killer, am I?"
Jane smiled. "No, you are not Lizzy. Here, I will ask Charles to ask Darcy to say 'behind every door there may be a random psycho killer, but I certainly am not."
Elizabeth laughed, Darcy didn't.
"Charles, there is no way in hell I will say that."
"I can hear you through the door, you know?" Said Elizabeth through the door.
"Then open it?"
"Wait, Jane is sending me a photo of you and Bingley at university…" Elizabeth looked through the peephole. "Yep, that's you. Jane, I'm opening."
Charles asked: "Has a pretty woman just opened the door, Darcy?"
"Yes."
"Good, that's Elizabeth. Can you start to take the canapés out of the fridge? Thank you."
Jane and Charles hang up, leaving their two respective best friends to make acquaintance.
"Hello, sorry if I thought you were a psycho killer. I am Elizabeth Bennet."
She held out her hand. He took it and answered coldly: "Darcy. Charles said to arrange the canapés on the table."
Elizabeth was taken aback by that reception but still smiled pleasantly. "Of course. Can you start by yourself? I have to finish drying my hair." She gestured to her head.
Darcy noticed that her hair was in fact slightly damp. She was also barefooted. Had she been showering just before he had arrived? In someone else's house? His opinion of her plummeted immediately.
"I would, but I have never been in the house before. Do you know where is the kitchen?" You certainly know where the bathroom is.
Elizabeth noticed his frown but ignored it. "Right this way…" An awkward pause followed as they moved through the house. "So, uhm, I am surprised we have never met before, considering we are the maid of honour and best man. And Jane and Charles have been together for, what? A year and a half? I don't remember seeing you at any of their parties."
"I travel a lot."
"Really? I'm a new associate at my firm, so I've been seeing only the four walls of my office twenty-four seven for… wow, it's almost two years now. What about you, seen any interesting places of late?"
"Not really."
Come on, man. Care to elaborate? I'm trying here. "And, what do you do?" She asked for the sake of asking. She was quickly losing her interest to hold a conversation with him.
"I'm an architect."
"Ah, like Jane."
His stance became even stiffer. "Not exactly."
Thankfully, by then they had reached the kitchen and Elizabeth was able to flee to the bathroom.
Still, as she dried her hair, she could not help thinking about the man downstairs moving around canapés. Something was puzzling in the whole matter, but she could not quite put a finger on it.
Darcy…, she thought. Why do I know that name? Perhaps someone from Jane's work? No, he said that he is 'not exactly' an architect like Jane. What the hell was that supposed to mean, anyway? Darcy, Darcy, Darcy… Darcy!
She immediately called Jane. "Is this Darcy the guy you have tried to set me up with for months?"
["It is another truth universally acknowledged," Charles interrupted Jane, "that a young and happy couple must wish for everyone to be as happily in love as they are. That is why when Jane and I realized that Lizzy and Darcy would be perfect for each other, we decided to organize them a blind date."
"But they both refused to say that they were too busy with their career, so we stopped."
"After months and months of more persecution."
"This is not your story to tell, Lizzy. And we were right, weren't we?"
"Yes. But if you had not put so much pressure on us with your reckless matchmaking, perhaps we would have met sooner."
"Just keep telling the story, Jane."]
"Is this Darcy the guy you have tried to set me up with for months?" Elizabeth asked angrily.
"Wait Lizzy, I was just about to call you, there has been a problem."
Elizabeth instantly forgot about Darcy. "A problem? What problem? With the cake?"
"No, well, we are not there yet. We were in a car accident."
"A car accident?!"
Jane quickly reassured her that they had not been directly involved, but they were supposed to give their statement on the events before they could leave. "We are waiting for the police officers to arrive… It wasn't a very serious accident, there were no victims, but I talked with the paramedic and they said the girl had a broken arm."
"Oh, Jane. How are you feeling? Where is Charles?"
"He is calling Darcy. I am fine, Lizzy, just a little shaken."
"Are you sure you two are perfectly ok? And that you don't need a lawyer?"
"We are fine, they just want to ask us some questions."
"Right, I understand… When do you think you will be done? Do you want us to come and pick you up? And the cake, too."
"No." She sighed. "Lizzy, I think it would be better if we called off the party. I have talked about it with Charles and he agrees. We don't feel like celebrating right now and who knows how long it will take at the police station."
"Of course, you are right. Can I do something?"
"Could you let the guests know? There is a contact list in Charles' study but I suppose he is already telling Darcy where to find it. Oh, about Darcy."
"What about him?"
"Weren't you talking about him when you first took the call?"
"Yes. But, you know, it doesn't matter now."
"Tell me anyway. I could use a distraction."
Elizabeth hesitated. "I was only wondering if it was him you were trying to set me up with."
Jane hesitated, then laughed. "Yes, it was him. Why, are you regretting your categorical refusal?"
Elizabeth chuckled. "No, not really. But maybe I would have answered differently if you had shown me a photo."
"Truly?"
Elizabeth cleared her throat and started to comb her hair. "Yes, and then he opened his mouth. He felt very forbidding back there. I don't think he likes me."
"That's not true! He is a dear. And he said you were pretty too."
"What do you mean?"
"Charles asked him if a 'pretty woman' had opened him the door and he said yes."
"And that's such a great, heartfelt compliment." Elizabeth huffed. "Wait, is Charles there? Is he listening to us?"
"No, he is a couple of steps away, don't worry."
"Very well, then I will proceed to unburden my whole heart on the subject." Elizabeth pondered the matter for some moments. "I can not give a definitive judgement on him, of course. But… He introduced himself as Darcy. Only Darcy. Is it his first name? His last name? I don't know."
Jane chuckled. "It's his last name, but he always introduces himself like that."
"Well, that's weird. And he didn't seem to catch any of my openings to conversation. I'm not sure if he is acutely awkward or a pretentious ass. The jury is still out on that."
Jane laughed. "If you are starting with the lawyer jokes, I'd better go. But remember he is a little shy, so it may take some time for him to warm up to you. Oh, do try to eat some of the canapés if you want, will you? Especially the ones with cheese. They would go to waste otherwise."
In the meantime, Darcy had gone to Charles' study, looking for the contact information list. "It's not on the desk."
"Uhm, try a drawer? Or in the library."
Darcy grimaced, remembering how Charles' room had been a careless mess back when they were roommates in college.
"I'm putting you on speaker." Darcy left the phone on the desk and crouched behind it to inspect the drawers.
"Found it?"
"Not yet. Oh, I think this may be your prenup. I didn't think you were the type to get a prenup. And why don't you keep this in your safe?"
"Don't pry, Darcy. Jane's mother insisted. She is a divorce lawyer."
Darcy scoffed and opened another drawer. There was silence for a little while, then Charles asked:
"So, what do you think of Elizabeth?"
"Why? What do you mean?"
Charles didn't answer. Darcy found it weird, as his friend always had something to say. He considered the question with more attention.
"Charles, is she the one you wanted to set me up with?"
"Well…"
"Charles. Is this an ambush?"
"It is not! Come on, you would have met her sooner or later, she is the maid of honour, you couldn't avoid our parties forever. And we were supposed to be there to introduce you properly, you know that. But I am curious: what do you think of her now that you have finally met?"
Darcy remembered her shuffling barefooted out of the kitchen. Her feet must be filthy now. "I have nothing to say. What does she do, anyway?"
"She's a lawyer."
"A lawyer? Seriously, Charles?"
"But she works for Fitzwilliam&De Bourgh, I thought you would bond over that!"
Great, that was just great. Another Aunt Catherine minion. "I nominate this as your worst idea of the year, Charles. What the hell were you thinking? I could never go out with a lawyer!"
At that, Elizabeth, who had been standing in the hall waiting for the opportunity to enter the room, felt mightily offended.
She knew some people thought lawyers were just a bunch of heartless money-making monsters who got serial killers out of jail and helped corporations to screw the little man, but there was so much more to the profession!
First, she was not even a criminal or corporate lawyer. Second, could she really be a heartless prick (like that Darcy out there), when she had been dealing with Wickham for two long months, simply out of the goodness of her heart? Without forgetting that her firm held the highest number of won pro bono cases in the state.
"Oh, and she is a chatterbox, but that's an occupational hazard, I guess." Continued Darcy, unaware of the grave he was digging for himself. "And that's why she kept asking about my work. She was clearly trying to size up my bank account."
Elizabeth left. Charles took on the task of being furious on her behalf.
"Now, Darcy. You'd better remember that Lizzy is Jane's sister and my friend, and one of the best people I have ever met. Whatever the opinion you have of lawyers or the impression you had of her in the quarter of an hour of your acquaintance, you should show her respect. Perhaps I was wrong thinking that you two would suit each other, but you'd better not insult her, especially while under our roof."
After a tense pause in which none of the men said anything, Darcy relented. "I'm sorry, Charles. You are right. I'm just… Not over jet-lag, yet. My brain isn't working properly."
Darcy knew that this much would be enough to avoid conflict with Charles and, in fact, Charles relented.
"Yeah, I had thought that. You only speak that much when you are in sleep deprivation. Anyway, we will forget it happened. Thank your good fortune that Lizzy didn't hear you or you'd be witnessing the seven furies."
–o–
Elizabeth was furious.
After overhearing Darcy's comments on her, she remained with no cordial feelings toward him. She left, as the only other alternative was to go into that room and verbally destroy him, as the chatterbox and lawyer that she proudly was.
But of course, she couldn't do that. Darcy was Charles best friend and best man and they would have to spend a lot of time together organizing the wedding. She would not be the one to make things awkward for Jane and Charles.
And after all, what do I care about the opinions of someone so wholly unconnected to me? Think away, Mr Darcy, see if I give a damn.
Her feet brought her to the kitchen, where she started angrily stuffing her mouth with canapés displayed on the counter. Damn the moment I defined him attractive. He could have a nine-pack, he would still be a presumptuous jerk. Chatterbox my ass! There is nothing to do but laugh at his idiocy, at this point.
She would have attempted to laugh, but just then the object of her thought arrived.
"Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth startled and turned around. Darcy was staring fixedly at her from the door, probably wondering at her sudden eating spree. That made her even angrier. She swallowed the last bit of a twisty sausage roll. "Yes, Darcy?"
"Charles just called. I think Jane explained the situation to you?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Here is the list. There are both names and phone numbers. I propose we write a template text and send it to everyone—"
"Absolutely not." She said too abruptly. Darcy startled and she forced a pretty smile on her face to soften the blow. "A text is too impersonal. These people were expecting a nice evening with friends, the least we can do is call them."
Darcy's gut twisted. "All of them?" He glanced back to the list. "I don't know half of these people."
She smiled sweetly again. "That's because I know them. You call Charles' half, I call Jane's, and then we will see if there is anyone left."
"It will take ages."
"It doesn't matter. We have time. Jane explicitly asked me to call them." That was not completely true, but whatever. "If you don't want to do it, you can go home and I will take care of everything."
Darcy hesitated. He had promised to he would help with the party, but he didn't want to call all of those strangers. Elizabeth too was having some doubts. Would her insistence on personally calling everyone make her seem even more of a blabbermouth? But she had determined to not care about his good opinion, so she wouldn't.
While still pondering the situation, Darcy observed Elizabeth. He perceived that something in her countenance had changed from their first meeting in the hall, but he could not pinpoint what. Perhaps it was her hair, which was now arranged in distracting curls laying on her shoulders. And she had put some slippers on, too.
"Very well." He conceded at last.
They briefly discussed what exactly would need to be said, sat at the opposite ends of the dining room table and started to make their phone calls.
In some way, Elizabeth still felt uncomfortable talking in his presence, but as her courage always rose at every attempt to intimidate her and she had a lively, playful disposition that did not like to dwell on the past, after the first two calls she had completely forgotten the matter.
Darcy noticed that their communication styles were very different. While he kept the conversation short to be more efficient — in truth he felt uncomfortable talking with people he barely knew — Elizabeth lost precious time chitchatting with everyone, like when she spent three whole minutes talking with some Charlotte person about some art exhibition.
At first, he had felt annoyed at her losing precious time. Then he had realized that if she liked to mindlessly talk with everyone, perhaps she had tried to do just that when asking about his trips.
You idiot. He started to feel guilty about his comments. Thank God she didn't hear me.
Without realizing it, Darcy started to listen to Elizabeth's conversations instead of paying attention to his own. At some point, his own phone call ended and he didn't move the phone from his ear but kept listening to Elizabeth talk about some handmade mittens with her aunt Maddie.
Elizabeth noticed his looks. What does he mean by staring disapprovingly at me and listening to my phone calls? Oh, he must be thinking again that I am a terrible chatterbox, the presumptuous ass.
She smiled archly. "Did you not think, Darcy, that I expressed myself uncommonly well when I was teasing my aunt about coming to visit me next month?"
He startled. "With great energy, but then you are a lawyer. Excuse me."
Darcy fled the room, unaware of the great offence he had just given for the second time to Elizabeth. In his agitation, he had not thought of a specific excuse to give for his fleeing. He decided to take his eyeglasses from his coat in the hall.
On his way towards the coat hanger, he received a message from his cousin Richard, whom he had preferred to write to instead of calling him.
"Thank you, old chap. Lizzy already explained everything."
He was puzzled. Lizzy? Do they know each other?
He felt a pang of jealousy seeing that his cousin had the privilege of calling her Lizzy and then shuddered. What was happening to him? Was he coming down with a fever? He had been acting irrationally ever since he had arrived at Netherfield. Eavesdropping her conversations, noticing her hair, fleeing the room in a panic. It had to stop.
But when he went back to the dining room, she was laughing.
She laughed delightfully, he realized. Charles had never mentioned that when he was trying to set them up together. He had talked about where she had graduated from, about how she was deeply involved in a volunteering association to save the woods near her hometown, about how she had a passion for terrible indie movies that no one had ever heard of, but nothing about how her eyes twinkled just before bursting in laughter.
He thought that, perhaps, Charles had not been completely wrong with his idea of introducing them. Yes, he would have liked to get to know her better. His plans for being rational were completely forgotten.
Extremely hot, thought Elizabeth noticing Darcy's Clark-Kent-ish eyeglasses. What a pity he is such a jerk.
As soon as she closed her call with Emily, she received another one from her mother.
"Elizabeth, no one is telling me anything! Where is Lydia? What is happening in that house?"
"Nothing much, at the moment. Have you talked with Jane? What about Lydia?"
"Lydia has disappeared! Jane only said that the party is postponed. What does it even mean? Are they calling off the wedding?"
"Of course not!"
"And what are they going to do with the house? I have always told you: never buy a house before getting married, it's an economical suicide. And why did she have to leave her job and move to the country? She was going to make millions in that architectural firm." She thundered. "Oh, my poor nerves!"
"Mom, Jane chose to leave her job because she was miserable, and it's not like she is unemployed, she became an external consultant. And you forced them to get a prenup, Jane would be covered if the wedding was cancelled, which is not the case. Now, what were you saying about Lydia?"
Noticing that Darcy was once again eavesdropping on her conversation, Elizabeth glared at him and stalked towards the windows, trying to regain some kind of privacy. Feeling again confused and embarrassed, Darcy answered his cellphone without realizing who the caller was.
"Darcy! Oh, I would kiss you if only you were here! You finally succeeded!"
"What do you mean, Caroline?"
"Whatever should I mean? You finally convinced Charles to dump that Jane."
Silence. "Have you talked with Charles?"
"Of course I did, silly, and he told me that everything is postponed which is the polite way of saying cancelled. I mean, we all knew it would not work, Charles is a doctor, for goodness' sake!"
"He is a doctor, Elizabeth." Continued to say Mrs Bennet. "She left her job for a doctor! What have I always told you? Never marry a doctor. If I could tell you half of what my clients have suffered because of their heartless doctor husbands—"
"Mom, your husband is a doctor. About Lydia again—"
"He is a doctor, as I was saying." Continued Caroline. "You can not imagine how horrified I was when Charles told me that he had started dating her. Her, an unknown and flimsy architect!"
"I am an architect too, Caroline."
"But that is not the same, darling. Your work is renowned all over the world, Jane spends her time designing bathrooms for hillbillies."
"That is wildly inaccurate—"
"But I must say, I'm very impressed. I tried for months to persuade him to leave her and it took you only five minutes to make him see reason."
He scoffed. "Caroline, whenever did I give the impression that I would try to separate Jane and Charle?"
"YOU WHAT!"
Darcy raised his eyes to see a stunningly furious Elizabeth.
"I what, dear?" Asked Mrs Bennet.
"Not you, him!"
"Him? Charles? What did Charles do? Did he get the engagement ring back? He cannot do that, the prenup explicitly says—"
Elizabeth stopped listening to her mother and stalked towards Darcy. "What did you do?" She asked glacially.
"I did nothing, it was Caroline!"
"Elizabeth Bennet, are you even listening to me?"
"No I'm not, mom, please wait a moment." She mouthed at Darcy: "Well?"
Darcy took a deep breath, feeling like this was going to be the most important phone conversation of his life. "Caroline," he said firmly looking right at Lizzy, "I would never plot against Jane. She is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to Charles. The housewarming party is being postponed for the reasons Charles has surely told you about, the wedding will go on as planned. And you are supposed to be one of the bridesmaids if I remember correctly."
"But, Darcy dear…"
"Like hell you are going to be a bridesmaid!" Elizabeth shouted in his cellphone.
"Eliza? Was that Eliza? Why are you with Eliza?"
Darcy moved the phone away from his ear in distaste. Caroline was reaching frequencies that only dogs could hear. He happily ignored her and instead listened to Elizabeth.
"Mom, mom. Calm down. Everything is fine. No— I don't know where Lydia is! Get dad on the phone, will you?" A pause. "Hi, dad."
"Hello, sweetheart. Everything alright?"
"Yes, everything is wonderful." Elizabeth huffed. "Look, what is this thing about Lydia?"
"Nothing to worry about, she is out with her study group today. Your mother is fretting because she is not answering her calls but you know how they make them turn off their phones in—"
Elizabeth heard the beep signalling another incoming call. It was Wickham. "Dad, I have got to go. Work. Let me know when Lydia calls back, ok? Alright, see you next week." She answered to the other call. "Hello?"
"Where were you? Why is your line always occupied? I'm dying here!" Rasped Wickham.
"What do you mean?"
"I feel faint and I have a terrible pain in the chest." He panted and choked on his breath. "I think I'm having a heart attack."
Elizabeth jumped to her feet and started to make gestures to Darcy, who was still on the phone with a screeching Caroline. "Are you serious?!"
"Of course I am serious! I can't… Breathe…" He coughed and wheezed more. "Liz… Beth…"
"Who is it?" Whispered Darcy, who had closed his phone call and moved closer to her. "Jane?"
Elizabeth put a hand on his arm to stall him. "No. No, yes, call Charles, call Charles!" Charles was a doctor, he would know what to do. Or would it be better to call an ambulance? Elizabeth was squeezing Darcy's arm now. "George, are you still there? Say something!"
She heard whimpering and troubled breath. "Where are you? At your apartment? Can you tell me the address?" She turned to Darcy. "Did you get Charles?" He nodded. "Ask him about heart attacks."
"Heart attacks?!"
Elizabeth realized that George had stopped coughing. She could not even hear him breathing. "George! George, are you still there?!"
There were some moments of terrifying silence, and then Elizabeth heard a raucous laugh. "Gotcha."
"W-What?"
"I'm not having a heart attack, sweetie. You should have heard yourself, you were in such a frenzy, la!"
Elizabeth let go of Darcy's arm and slipped back into her seat. "Why did you do it? You almost gave me a heart attack." She stammered.
"Then don't keep your line busy next time. Now, I wanted to tell you that in the end McCoy wasn't right about the represent yourself thing and he got played, so I am hiring you back. Happy?"
Elizabeth closed the call and dropped the phone on the table, putting her face in her hands.
Darcy gently nudged her shoulder. He was still on the phone with Charles. "What happened?"
"A client called saying that he was having a heart attack. It was a joke. I'm sorry, I need a moment. Tell Charles that I'm sorry for disturbing him."
Elizabeth stalked out of the room, leaving a perplexed Darcy behind. He explained what had happened to Charles.
"I bet it was that, that guy… What was his name? Whittaker? Anyway. He has been calling her for the weirdest reasons at all hours of night and day. And he has gotten worse now that they are almost at the trial."
"Isn't that harassment? Couldn't she… I don't know, do something?"
"We have tried to persuade her, but she says that your aunt is out to get her and this is the only way to make her shut up. She apparently assigns this guy to the lawyers she doesn't like, this is his fourth time as a pro bono case there. Lizzy hasn't had a moment to herself in the last two months… Jane finally convinced her to take a break and come to Netherfield for the weekend and then this happens. Try to talk to her, alright? Perhaps your being always unbothered could help her relax."
Darcy found Elizabeth out of the front door, staring into the garden. Elizabeth seemed to have withdrawn in herself and her bright eyes were now dim and lost in her tea grounds. Darcy felt the strangest urge to hearten her.
He had two cups in his hands and offered one to her.
"Charles thought you would like a cup of tea." He had not. But Charles had casually mentioned that she was a tea lover a couple of months before, so it wasn't that far from the truth.
She startled but accepted the cup. "Thank you." She took a sip of tea. "Oh, this is my favourite. Jane always has it for me when I visit."
Darcy silently thanked his good luck at choosing that particular blend, even if he soon discovered that it was disgusting.
"Did they tell you at what point they are with the police?"
"No, I… didn't think to ask."
After that, to Darcy's utter horror, they seemed in danger of sinking into total silence. It was absolutely necessary, therefore, to think of something to say and, recollecting what she had mentioned earlier in the afternoon, he exclaimed: "I have recently been to Japan."
Elizabeth was too surprised at such a sudden and unwarranted declaration to think of an answer, so he was once again left to fend for himself.
"I, uhm, my work has me travelling quite a lot around the world. And I went to Japan last month." He looked at her expectantly.
She nodded noncommittally. "Jane told me you are always incredibly busy."
"She talked to you about me?" He asked abruptly.
"Yes. In passing. You know, 'why is the best man not here?', that kind of information." God forbid he believes Jane and I go around gossiping about him. Or worse, that she had wanted to go on that blind date with him.
Darcy remembered that he had purposefully avoided Charles' dinner parties for weeks in fear of being shoved into the presence of the mysterious blind date girl, but could certainly not say that.
Silence ensued and Elizabeth went back to stare in the distance.
"This seems a very comfortable house." He improvised. "Jane and Charles did a great deal to it since they bought it. I wasn't sure they could make it livable when I saw it for the first time."
Elizabeth, mindful of being too loquacious for him, barely offered: "Yes, it was an absolute ruin."
"And Charles was very fortunate in his choice of a wife. Marrying an architect certainly helps when you are restoring an old farmhouse."
She smiled graciously, remembering his previous disparaging comment about Jane's work.
"And its distance from the city is perfect."
"But it's nearly thirty miles!" She cried.
"What is thirty miles of good road? Little more than a half an hour drive. Yes, I call it a very easy distance. My own family house is one hour and a half away from the nearest city."
She looked at him quizzically. "And what happens if one evening you forget to buy a bottle of milk before going home?"
Darcy smiled, embarrassed. "We have cows on the property."
At that, Elizabeth had to laugh.
"We had to become self-sufficient, somehow." He joked. "There is a village nearby, but most of the people who live there work for Pemberley anyway."
Elizabeth cleared her voice, wondering how he had managed to make her laugh. But if he wanted to keep up this friendly attitude, she wouldn't be the one to stop him. "So is it… A ranch? Or a farm?"
"No, it's a historical estate in the Heritage Sites list."
"What?"
A car stopped just out of Netherfield's gates and loudly honked.
"They are back!" Elizabeth, forgetting all about Darcy's mansion, ran excitedly into the house and reached for the buzzer to open the gates, but she was stopped dead on her tracks by what she saw on the videophone: it was not Jane and Charles.
It was Bill Collins.
–o–
["I do realize this is a cliffhanger, but I see that the chocolate mousse is being served, so we will leave you to eat in peace. Charles will be resuming our toast after this brief intermission. Thank you for your attention until now and another a round of applause for the happy couple, Mr and Mrs Darcy!"]
Just to clarify:
- [bracketed parts] are the wedding toast from J&C at E&D's wedding, happening one year after the failed housewarming party.
- non bracketed parts are what happened at the failed housewarming party.
A second clarification: while you are reading the Netherfield events as they actually happened, J&C are telling the wedding guests an edulcorated version of the already edulcorated version of the events that E&D gave them.
Please let me know if you have any doubt about this.
Final notes
Well, those were a lot of words.
To the kind readers to which I told this would be posted A MONTH AGOand then proceeded to disappear, I'm so sorry. It ended up being slightly more complicated than I thought. But at last I'm here, yeah!
Pickle is a three-chapter PIP. I will post the next chapter next Monday (12/04) and then the third and final one on 19/04.
Please know, Mrs Bennet as a divorce lawyer is not an original idea of mine. I read it for the first time in "Pride, Prejudice and Push-up Bras" by Mary Strand, which you can find on Kindle and thought it would be perfect with the "law business" theme of this story (you'll see)
The end, see you next week.