I'm writing this while watching Rick and Morty (good show good show)
TW: throwing up, mentions of pills, suicidal thoughts
"I'd gladly help you get a visa," Dream offered calmly. My eyes widened as I stared at him. Was he serious?
"Dream, I-" What could I even say? "I don't know..."
"I know it's a big decision, Georgie, but at least think about it?" I let out a shaky breath, nodding. I was starting to feel gross, and I knew I couldn't sit here for much longer.
"Um... I'm going to the bathroom!" I exclaimed, leaping to my feet and running away. I closed the bathroom door, sighing and slumping against the door. I quickly locked it, sitting against the wood as tears brimmed at my eyes.
Fuck, this is pathetic, I thought, trying to quiet my sobs. Why am I even crying? I haven't even done it yet...
I moved myself to position, sitting over the toilet and gripping the rim with a shaky hand. The other hand found its way up to my mouth, fingers pushing down my throat until I gagged, stomach acid and bile coming up and bringing the small slice of lamb I ate at dinner with it.
My throat burned, my stomach churned. I felt disgusting and nauseous, the sickening smell coming up from the toilet bowl worsening it. I weakly reached for the lid, closing it and flushing away my secret shame.
"George?" I froze, hearing the voice on the other side of the door. "Are you ok? Are you feeling sick?" Ohhh shit.
"I'm fine!" I insist, voice scratchy and throat sore. I cringe at my unconvincing performance.
"Um... I heard you... did you just throw up?"
"I'm fine, Sapnap, it's probably just food poisoning or something." I lied with ease, guilt creeping its way into my mind. "You know how airplane food can be," I joke half-heartedly.
"Ok... I guess." He doesn't sound entirely convinced, but it's enough. "Airplane food does suck. My sister got food poisoning from it years ago." I nodded, sighing with relief. He couldn't see me, but I think he got the point.
"Yeah," I sigh. "But could you maybe not tell Dream and Karl? I don't want to be babied over food poisoning. It's not even that bad."
"Understandable, I won't tell. But hey, if it gets worse, talk to me. Don't want you getting too sick during our meet up!" He laughed. I chuckled nervously, knowing he wasn't trying to make me feel bad. Hell, I was lying to him, I didn't deserve this kindness.
"I will. Thanks Sap."
"'Course. Feel better, man." I held my breath until I heard his footsteps echoing from the other room. I felt worse than before, guilt from lying to one of my best friends mixing with the nausea I already felt to make a dangerous combination.
I didn't even need to shove my fingers down my throat to throw up this time. I felt so incredibly guilty, knowing I was lying to everyone who cared about me, everyone I loved. I didn't deserve them, and they didn't deserve to deal with my bullshit.
Maybe I would be better off dead, rather than depending on the numbers on a scale for my self worth. Rather than taking pills and making myself throw up even the smallest amount of food that found its way into my stomach.
Maybe it would be better. Not only for myself, but for my friends. I'm such a burden on them, and if they found out what I was doing... they would surely resent me for it.
The nausea lifted enough for me to back away from the toilet, flushing it down with a quiet sob. Pathetic.
I stood up on shaky legs, grabbing onto the counter for support. Maybe I went a bit too far this time... I didn't care look up at the mirror. I couldn't stand to see myself like this.
I had been in the bathroom for far too long at this point, and I knew somebody would surely notice.
No they won't, they don't care.
They do care. Sapnap went to check on me already. Shut up.
I shook my head, sighing as I turned on the faucet to wash my hands and rinse out my mouth. I felt gross, and my throat had a dull burning sensation to it, due to the stomach acid.
Now that I think about it, that's not the only effect I was starting to notice. My back teeth were feeling a little different... I've heard of stomach acid starting to dissolve teeth, but I never actually expected it to happen to me.
Well, I didn't expect any of this to happen to me. It all seemed like a bad dream I couldn't wake up from.
It's not like I wanted this to happen. I know that what I'm doing is bad. I know what it can do to me. And even with that knowledge, I still couldn't not do it. It was embarrassing, really, how little control I had over myself.
Funny enough, this had all started because of control. I was so gullible, so willing to try anything just to feel like I had some aspect of my life that I controlled.
Kinda backfired, huh?
Man I took a 4 hour test today and honestly I don't feel like this chapter makes any sense but brain is out of juice and I don't care so 😌
Ummm important part is that Sapnap overheard George ~in the bathroom~ but George told him it was just food poisoning and not to tell Dream or Karl
That sums up the important parts anyway