10Just a little scene during Olivia's appointment with her therapist since we probably won't get one on screen!
Olivia crossed her legs one way and settled into the waiting room chair before deciding it was all wrong and crossing her legs the other way. Her thoughts were swirling around and crashing into each other at random.
"Olivia?" Dr. Lindstrom said, leaning his head out from behind the cracked door.
She sprang to her feet in a burst of nervous energy, but made an attempt to take measured steps into his office. She shouldn't be putting on a front while seeing her therapist, but it was an instinct.
"I'm glad to see you," he said, in his typically calm tone.
"I'm glad you had some openings," she said, finding a comfortable position in her usual chair.
"Of course I have an opening for you!" Silence hung heavy in the air for a moment before he decided to break it. "So," he said, pausing to pick up his notebook, "your old partner is back in town?"
She raised her eyebrows and leaned forward in her chair. "We're going to jump right in, huh?"
"Well, that's what you mentioned when you made the appointment. I thought we may as well start there. Catch me up on what's happened since he got back." She watched him get set with his best listening face. It was hard to summarize everything that had happened in the past few weeks, but she gave it her best shot. She told him about Kathy and the fallout. She told him about her suspicions that Elliot was struggling with PTSD. She told him about their time working together on the case that led to Simon's killers. Now that she thought of that, she realized she'd probably need another session to process that. "That's really it," she said, folding her hands in her lap.
"That's it?" he said, tilting his head in question.
She chuckled and attempted to relax her body into the chair. "I just meant that's all I can think of to catch you up on."
"Right," he said, letting out a puff of air and raising his eyebrows, "That's an awful lot, Olivia."
"You can say that again," she said, mindlessly picking at her fingernails. Her manicures never made it through a therapy session. It had always been hard for her to open up and let all of her feelings out. But she knew from experience that wasn't sustainable…which made her even more worried about Elliot. "I'm not really sure what to do," she said, looking up at him.
"Well, why don't we start with how you're feeling towards Elliot right now?"
"Honestly?" she said, getting a feel for his expectations.
"Of course. You're allowed. Start with the most prominent one and we can go from there."
She took a beat and decided on her answer. "Uh, I guess worry would be the first," she said, rubbing her hand across her forehead. "I just don't know how to help him."
"Has helping him deal with his emotions always been a part of your relationship?" he asked, looking as calm as ever. It annoyed her at first, but now she recognized it as a way of allowing her space to answer.
"I don't know. I mean, I guess you could say that."
"Would you say that?"
"Yes," she said quickly, hoping it would buy her some more time to think. "We both helped each other. That's what partners do."
"He's not your partner now?" he said with a leading tone.
"No, but," she said, stopping short when she realized she didn't have an explanation to finish her sentence.
"But you're friends," he said, throwing her a life raft.
"Of course. We were always friends." When the word came out of her mouth, it didn't feel sufficient or honest. They were more than friends.
"We all worry about our friends. That's a completely normal reaction. You were close to him and his family, and he's been through a lot." He changed his position in the chair and looked at her intently. "What else are you feeling?"
She stared at him for a moment, knowing he already had an answer in mind. Her knee started to bounce and she heard her heart beating in her ears.
"I, uh," her voice cracked, "I'm angry."
"Why's that?" he said, narrowing his eyes at her.
She let out a sarcastic chuckle and shook her head. "Well it might be because we were partners for over a decade, friends, and he left me without so much as a word. Then, after ten years of total radio silence, after a decade of me living through hell and finally coming out on the other side with everything I've ever wanted, he shows up and needs me. I can't even tell him I'm furious with him because he's already in pieces. So, I have to show up and try to fix things."
"Do you have to do that, Olivia?" he said, picking the most frustrating response as always.
"Of course I do."
"Did he ask you to?"
"Not directly, but," she paused to come up with a way to explain.
"But that's how it's always been," he calmly suggested.
She nodded for a few seconds before responding, "He's a cop. He's good at fixing other people's problems, not at seeing his own."
"It must have been difficult to have such an intimate relationship with someone who was…unavailable."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she said, immediately taking offense to what he was suggesting.
"I'm just suggesting that you paid the price of an intimate relationship by supporting him, but reaped very few of the benefits. He was married after all."
She felt her skin turn hot, her blood pumping close to the surface. "We never crossed that line, if that's what you're saying. I would never do that."
"You never crossed that line. Did you cross any other lines?"
"What? He was married. I would never do that to Kathy or the kids. He was devoted to them," she said, averting her eyes so she could blink back the threat of tears.
"Was he devoted to you?" Lindstrom asked, leaning down so he could make eye contact.
That was one question she couldn't answer, no matter how hard she tried. She'd spent 22 years trying.
"I don't know," she said, her voice breaking, "I don't know."