18 - I'm A Beast

The day had derailed so badly by the time Carlos stood in an unfamiliar living room with the murmur of voices drifting from down the hall and a scene from Ghostbusters paused on the television screen, that he was starting to think all the bad karma he'd accumulated over the years of being the governments faithful attack dog was catching up to him all at once.

The universe had brought Stephanie Plum back into his life, looking a thousand times more attractive than when he'd last laid eyes on her back in college (which was saying something, considering how drop dead gorgeous she was back then), and she couldn't stand to be in the same room as him.

This morning she'd chewed him out and fled, and after a day spent agonising over the situation instead of focusing on his meetings, while Tank did the run around trying to locate her current residence, she'd done the exact same thing. Took one look at him and turned on her heels.

Well, a little more than one look, Carlos acknowledged, recalling the weight of her gaze as it scanned his body, scouring his face, and then the confusion that followed as connections were revealed. Of all the things he'd expected to find when he tracked her down, cohabiting with one of his employees and the new florist his cousin had hired didn't even make the list of possibilities.

It was turning out to be a tangled web of connection, and it was clear that Steph didn't like it.

Just like it was clear that this Hildebrand guy didn't like Carlos. Between the way he glared at him at Rangeman this morning, and the daggers he shot him, issuing an order for Carlos to 'stay put' just before he followed Steph further into the apartment, there was no doubt in Carlos's mind that Hildebrand knew their history and was ready to do battle with him if the need arose.

Meanwhile, all Carlos wanted was to learn what Steph had done in the ten years since he'd last seen her. What was she doing for work? What was she doing for pleasure? Was she married? Divorced?

Carlos cast his gaze over the photos on the wall noting that the majority of them featured some combination of Hildebrand, Steph and Bear. Though Bear featured less than the other two, they were clearly all close. He zeroed in on a photo of Steph and Hildebrand grinning widely, and holding up ice creams at the beach, the shadow of a larger man that was probably Bear falling over them. The next one featured just Hildebrand and Bear, walking away from the camera amid a landscape filled with millions of sparkling lights. In the next, Steph sat on a kitchen counter, her eyes closed, lips parted with the hint of a smile as Bear proffered a wooden spoon for a taste of whatever was in the pot on the stove beside him. The next was clearly a selfie taken by Steph with Hildebrand in the background, his attention clearly diverted from the floral arrangement he was working on the table in front of him.

"This guys based in Newark, but he comes highly recommended by one of the night fill guys. He's doing the arrangements for his wedding or something," Tank had said this morning when Hildebrand was at Rangeman. Based on everything he'd seen here tonight, Bear was the night fill guy in question, which meant Steph was clearly his fiancee, and Hildebrand was a good friend of them both.

The thought of her with someone else brought back all the jealous feelings he'd grappled with that had led to him dropping out of college, and he struggled to fight it back down into the box he'd locked it up in for the last decade. He'd made his decision, and now he had to deal with the consequences of his actions 10 years in the making

She clearly wasn't his Babe anymore. The red-faced yelling and the ice-water in his face had made that clear. His leaving and the following ten year absence had left a mark on Steph that Carlos wasn't entirely comfortable with. It had driven a wedge between them the size of the Grand Canyon.

And, God help him, even if he still couldn't be with her the way he'd wanted back in college, he wanted to cross it.

On the few times he'd allowed himself to picture a reunion with Steph over the years, he'd imagined it to be happy, effortless. They would somehow fall right back into their old rhythm despite everything they'd both experienced in the intervening years. She would calm the storm in his soul that hadn't taken a moment of rest since the first time he was deployed. He would listen to her ramble for hours, letting loose all the thoughts jumbled in her head until they slowed to a stop, clear and organised.

But that was just wishful thinking. Did he even have the right anymore?

As the voices down the hall cut off, replaced by multiple sets of footsteps heading back down the hall, Carlos stepped back from the wall of photos, working to relax his shoulders and ensuring his blank mask was in place just before Bear passed by the doorway. He glanced into the room and sent Carlos a short nod of acknowledgement without stopping, followed closely by Hildebrand who shot him another glare as he, too, continued down the hall.

The doorway was empty for two whole seconds, before Steph stepped over the threshold and his heart beat far too hard inside his chest. For long moments they just stared at one another. His gaze roved over her hungrily, like she was an all you can eat buffet, and he was a starving man. And really, he was starving for the sight of her. Starving for her company; for the easy friendship they'd shared in their youth. No relationship he'd forged with anyone else even came close to what they'd had.

Her expression grew hard, the same one she'd had at the fair that first year just before she clubbed the boy that had been talking about making Carlos take the fall for their antics when school returned, and she crossed her arms over her chest, tucking away her hands before he thought to look for a ring and confirm his suspicions. He mentally kicked himself for getting so distracted. He needed to know, though, so he went against his usual modus operandi and asked, "I suppose congratulations are in order?"

"What?" Her brow furrowed in confusion and he had to tuck his own hands into his pockets to stop himself from reaching out to smooth the wrinkles away.

"On your engagement," he pointed out. "You and Bear are happy together?"

She made a choking sound that quickly transitioned into the unrefined laugh he'd savoured so often back in the day. She only laughed like that when she was caught off-guard and didn't have the chance to temper her reaction. There was something about it that was just pure joy. Except right now it made his heart sink, because he was pretty sure she was laughing at him.

"You…" she tried to start, but dissolved into another bout of laughter for a couple of seconds. "What makes you think Bear and I are getting married?"

Utterly disarmed by the fact that they were in the same room, Carlos found himself blurting the truth. "I was told Hildebrand's florist shop was recommended by one of my night fill employees because he's doing the flowers for his wedding. I concluded, based on the fact that he answered the door, that Bear is the employee, and since you also live here…"

Steph shook her head, still chuckling lightly as she pointed to the screensaver that had popped up on the TV now that the movie had apparently timed out. An artful photograph of Bear and Hildebrand in a garden, backlit by a golden sunset. Kissing.

Carlos, you fucking idiot.

"I see," he uttered flatly, even as his heart skipped a beat.

"Yeah, I'm just staying with them while I hunt for a new apartment," she explained.

There was still hope.

He mentally shook his head. He was jumping the gun. Just because she wasn't marrying Bear didn't mean she wasn't otherwise spoken-for. Besides, with the way she'd been looking at him just before he opened his mouth, she didn't appear to be feeling very charitable towards him.

He could have guessed as much from her reaction to him at the diner. So why had he come here? What was the plan here? For the master strategist he'd prided himself on being , he didn't have a clue what to do. He didn't know how to cross the canyon between them.

One step at a time, he reminded himself. Battles are won one manoeuvre at a time. Reclaiming her trust will take time, patience and, given how stubborn she'd proven herself to be at times in the past, likely, a lot of persistence.

"I came over to apologise," he explained, meeting her wary gaze once more.

The muscles at the corners of her eyes tightened slightly as she tipped her head an inch to the left, a single strand of her curls escaping from behind her ear and caressing her cheek and his fingers ached to tug it the way he used to. "For?"

Carlos blew out a breath, and splayed his hands out beside him in a rare visual cue of how lost he felt. His entire world had been shoved off-kilter the second he'd laid eyes on her this morning. The focus that he'd become known for during his time in the military had up and left him, leaving him off balance and behind the eight-ball. And to make matters worse, the sleep-deprivation headache he'd started the day off with was creeping back in.

"For leaving," he said simply. "For not saying goodbye. For turning my phone off and changing my contact details. For being a shitty friend."

He'd thought that if he admitted his mistakes, and apologised that she would soften a bit towards him, or at least start rambling the way she used to, but instead, she just stood there, that hard glare stuck on him like glue, not budging a single inch. She wasn't swayed by his mediocre attempts at apologising and it was as jarring as it was refreshing. In all the relationships - if you could even call them that - he'd had since he left Steph sleeping off a night of drinking, he hadn't had to work to win back the favour of a woman. He hadn't wanted to.

The women were nothing more than a way to let off steam. If he took them on a couple of dates to make himself feel better about using their bodies for his release, then it was nobody's business but his own. He'd never been with a woman - other than Rachel, he supposed, but she was a whole different kettle of fish - with whom he'd felt compelled to put effort into the relationship. He wowed them with a fancy dinner or two, and they fell gratefully into his bed with the bragging rights of having slept with one of the hottest men in New Jersey, or whatever other state he happened to be in. But he hadn't wanted any of the women the way he needed Steph. Even just standing here in the same room as her he felt an insistent pull, like a string being tugged tight from behind his navel, drawing him closer and closer to her even as they remained a careful six feet apart.

And her stoic silence was killing him.

Taking another deep breath, Carlos pushed on, filling the silence that she insisted on letting grow between them. "I was young, and dumb," he admitted, because he could truly see that now. "If I could go back to that day and do things differently, I would." God knows he'd thought about it enough. If he was going to walk away and cut contact anyway, he could have at least confessed his feelings first, let her know that he loved her as more than a friend. What was there to lose? But as the old adage goes, hindsight is 20:20. "But I don't have a time machine and I can't undo the hurt my decisions have caused you. I earned your contempt, and for that I am truly sorry."

More silence filled the space while they continued to stare at each other, until a voice clearing out in the hall jolted Steph into action. Her hands lifting to tuck her wayward curls behind her ears as she briefly averted her gaze to anywhere but Carlos. She fidgeted with the hem of the oversized t-shirt she wore before smoothing it down again. It was the constant movement he'd grown used to over the course of their friendship and hadn't realised how stiff and unsure the absence of it had made him until she lifted her head again, flicking her hair absently as her gaze settled squarely on the curtains over his right shoulder.

"Thank you for apologising," she stated, the words sounding rehearsed and unnatural on her tongue. "It means a lot. But I Think it will take me a while to work through this. And having to see you regularly in such an unbalanced power dynamic wont help. So, I think I'll find my training elsewhere."

Just when he thought he had all the dots connected and the ducks lined up, she threw him another curve ball. He blinked, straightening his shoulders, but keeping his expression as blank as he could in the face of the woman he still had such big feelings for. It felt wrong, hiding from her like this, but his instincts necessitated that he protect himself at all cost. "Training?"

"The bounty hunter training?" Her brow furrowed in a confusion he identified with heart and soul. "Connie said you'd train me."

"Connie said-?"

"Yes, Connie said." Steph launched her hands out to the side, her pitch rising in frustration. "She called you to confirm, and she set up the meeting at the diner this morning, but had I realised at the time that you were Ranger, I would have told her not to bother."

The impatience and frustration from that morning's meeting as Tank and Lester hesitated to share with him the details of the new fugitive apprehension agent Vinnie had hired flooded back into his body. They had both been privy to aspects of Carlos's life that he wouldn't have shared with just anyone off the street. Namely, they had both seen and heard about Stephanie Plum. Tank had caught him looking at the one photo he'd allowed himself to bring with him to basic training more times than he cared to admit, and Lester had actually hung out with them back in high school. They would have recognised her at the bonds office and known the implications for Carlos.

Realisation struck him like lightning, sizzling through him and leaving a burning sensation in its wake. "You're the new fugitive apprehension agent Vinnie hired?" Tenacious. Tank had described the new BEA Vinnie hired as tenacious, but lacking in impulse control, subtlety and skill. If the Stephanie standing in front of him was anything like the Stephanie he'd known in his teens, then he could definitely see how that would be true.

Steph narrowed her eyes on him. "Yes, I am."

"Babe-" he started, forgetting himself.

"I'm not your Babe!"

Carlos suppressed his flinch as her voice rose again, but pressed on regardless, blurting out the first words that popped into his brain. "Steph, you can't be a bounty hunter."

Now who lacks impulse control? he thought to himself as Steph's face turned red with renewed anger.

"I can be whatever the hell I want to be, Ranger, and you can't stop me. There was a time that you were my biggest supporter. If I said I wanted to be an astronaut, you would have looked up space programs with me at 3am and helped me devise a plan to reach the qualification. But that clearly ended when you didn't take my fucking feelings into account when you left In the dead of night. So to hell with your opinions. I'm going to be the best damn bounty hunter you've ever seen!"

"That's not what I meant," he said, but how could he explain that what he meant wasnt that she couldn't do it because she didn't have the right makeup to achieve her goal, but that if she went through with it and succeeded, even if she was the best damn bounty hunter he'd ever seen, he would worry every Goddamn day that she would get hurt, or worse, killed.

Carlos had seen and experienced a lot on the front lines. Needless loss of life being right up at the top of the list, and there was no way in hell he could live with himself if Steph went down this road and died because of it. He'd comforted himself far too many nights with the knowledge that wherever she was, at least she was safe. That his actions in the army and in his private government contracts were making the world a safe place for her. If she became a bounty hunter, he wouldn't rest a single day for the rest of his life.

"Then what did you mean?" she challenged, crossing her arms over her chest.

He shook his head, and deftly changed the focus of the conversation. anything to avoid more of her ire. He'd pissed off a lot of people in his time, but none of them felt like a heavy weight on his chest, or that he was losing the best part of his life all over again. "If you won't let me train you, at least let one of my men do it."

"No."

"Ba- Steph, come on." You'd think that after so long apart, it would be easier to call her by her name, but despite their distance, he'd always thought of her as his Babe. He likely always would. "You need training, or Connie wouldn't have called me. I'm the best in the business-"

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "And so humble about it."

"-but my men are just as good. Let one of them teach you the ropes so you can do this safely."

"I'll figure it out on my own." Stubborn and tenacious as the day they met. And just as he'd predicted, she'd only grown more confident without the scrutiny of Helen Plum weighing on her every move. "Thank you for apologising, but I think it's time for you to leave."

Carlos blinked. She was asking him to go? "Steph-"

But she stuck to her guns. "If you don't mind, I have a lot of work to do to figure out how I'm going to bring Morelli in, so if you could just -" she waved at the door with one hand as she picked up a file folder from the coffee table between them.

He stood stock still, though, as his gaze followed her movements. The name and the photo in plain view on the front of the file causing a record scratch through his already chaotic thoughts. "You're going after Morelli?"

"Yes." Her tone was dismissive as she gave him a wide berth on her way to the couch where she immediately flopped down and pulled her laptop towards her.

"As in Joseph Morelli, the cop accused of murder, the man you had an ongoing rivalry with in high school to the point that you ran him over with your father's Buick?"

Her eyes flicked up to him. "No, another Joseph Morelli."

Relief flooded through him for a millisecond before he registered her sarcastic tone and the roll of her eyes as she focused back in on the screen in front of her. "Babe, Morelli's bad news. Let me help."

"Good night, Ranger."

A sharp pain shot through his chest. Having Steph call him by his street name stung, especially in that deliberate and dismissive tone, was like she was wrenching away all the history they shared and smashing it with a hammer while he watched. His heart was in that pile of shards. And he only had himself to blame. He'd done this to her. He'd caused this rift, this anger. What he'd meant as a kindness, not only to himself but to her, was starting to look like one of the biggest mistakes of his life. Instead of freeing them both from the weight of his unspoken feelings, he'd apparently lit a match on an eternal flame of disappointment and scorn.

It was a bitter blow, but he'd earned it, and he would shoulder the burden of knowing he'd ruined the best friendship they'd ever had.

Nodding stiffly, he pulled a card from his pocket and set it on the corner of the coffee table. "If you change your mind, call me." And with that he turned on his heel and marched himself out of the room, heading for the front door of the apartment only to be confronted by Hildebrand standing in the entryway with his arms crossed and a stern expression. "If you love her, try to convince her to get training."

"If you care for her even a fraction of what she cares for you, you'll find a way to fix this."

"The ball's in her court," Carlos pointed out. What more could he do without digging himself a deeper hole?

Hildebrand shook his head and rolled his eyes, stepping to the side to hold the door open. "Then you better make sure she knows what sport she's playing," he suggested as Carlos passed by him to the corridor beyond.

He thought he heard the man mutter something along on the lines of fucking idiot as the door closed behind him, but couldn't be sure as the full reality of everything that had happened today crushed down on him all at once, upping the ante on the headache budding at the base of his skull. Sucking in a deep breath, he started down the hall to the stairs, pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped on the first contact in the list.

"I need to see you and Santos in my office as soon as I get back," he snarled when Tank's voice answered.