Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail. I do own Alexei. He is mine.
AN: The Thunder Legion is making an appearance. Will they be helpful or just as useless?
"Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh," cried Alexei, tears streaming down his face. The high-pitched shrieking caused Laxus to wince as the sound ruptured his sensitive ears.
What do I do? What do I do?, thought Laxus, mild panic on his face, as he held Alexei at arm's length. "Uh hey there? My name is Laxus and I am your brother." Maybe talking would help. He tried to give him a friendly smile or what he hoped was a friendly smile. Him and smiles didn't mix.
"Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh," Alexei cried even harder at the scary face Laxus unknowingly made.
Does the thought of me being his brother that repulsive to him? This slightly hurt Laxus as he held Alexei close to his chest and bounced him up and down. "Uh. It's okay. There's no reason for you to cry. Actually, now that I think about it, there are plenty of reasons to cry from your perspective. You're small, helpless, it's an unknown environment." Laxus tried to think of more things to say. "You poop your pants," he added.
Laxus could have sworn Alexei got even louder in his wailing. "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry I said you poop your pants! It's actually your diapers, and it's not in your control!" Laxus glanced around the room and noticed the pacifier on the ground. He bent down to pick it up and held it in his hand.
Laxus observed Alexei's crying simmer down at the sight of his pacifier. Alexei made grabbing motions towards it. "Heh. Heh."
Jackpot, thought Laxus as he looked at his saving grace. He was about to hand the pacifier over to Alexei, who readily opened his mouth when he halted. Wait a minute. This fell to the floor. I need to wash it. Laxus brought the pacifier out of Alexei's reach, who was extending his neck to reach for it with his mouth. Cute, thought Laxus amused as he would bring the pacifier close to Alexei's open mouth and just before he closed it he would pull it away. He looked like a gaping fish, opening and closing his mouth like that. He did this a few more times.
Alexei, who was frustrated at Laxus for not giving his precious binky, let out a scream and grabbed Laxus's bicep.
"Okay. Sheesh. I'll stop playing games." Laxus headed towards the kitchen to wash it in the sink. "Can't even take a joke," he muttered under his breath as he placed the pacifier under the running water. "Everything is so personal with you."
"Here you go." Laxus put the pacifier in Alexei's mouth, who greedily sucked it. Alexei placed his head on Laxus's chest and slowly closed his eyes. Laxus felt the grip on his bicep, slowly loosen as Alexei fell asleep.
All he wanted was a nap, thought Laxus as he headed back towards the couch where his phone was on the coffee table. Now that I think about it, when Mest and Troy left, they slammed the door. Those idiots. Slamming a door when a baby is sleeping. Stupid Mest. Stupid Troy. Both of them such stupid people. Laxus shook his head at the universe for producing stupid people.
Laxus swiped his phone open and was about to call his grandfather when he paused. He knew that if he told his grandfather about Alexei, he would come rushing home to meet his newfound grandchild. But he also knew how important his grandfather's presence was at the meeting this year, especially because they are helping with the restoration of Fiore after the attacks.
Laxus decided to wait until his gramps came home. He swiped down to call a familiar number when the door slammed open. He glared at the 3 offenders chattering, specifically the biggest offender, Bickslow who marched inside and made more noise than usual.
Maybe Alexei's excessive crying caused damage to his ears, but he swears he saw the next few moments play out in slow motion as he tried to warn his team to be quiet.
"HEYYY… THEREEE… BOSSSMANNN," yelled Bickslow with a wave, his steps sounding like elephants dancing. "WHAT'SSS… THATTT… INNN… YOURRR… ARMSSS?"
It seems Laxus's worst nightmare, and the answer to Bickslow's question came true. Alexei wakes up cranky. "Hehhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
"Is that a baby," screeches Evergreen, who runs into the living to confirm with her eyes what she just heard. "Oh my god, he finally did it. He had a child born out of wedlock," she muttered under her breath. She walked over to Laxus to give him a smack on the shoulder. "What is your grandfather going to say? Don't shush me! This is serious." She yelled when Laxus made shushing motions towards her.
"That's impossible. It can't be Laxus-sama's. He alway uses protection because I make sure he has a condom in his wallet at all times. Also, I kept track of all of Laxus's sexual escapades and not one of them showed signs of getting pregnant," called out Freed as he strolled in the room to join the others.
Laxus, Evergreen and Bickslow look at Freed with disgust. No wonder he always had a condom in his wallet. He always found it strange seeing a new one pop up in his things.
"Ewwww, you mean to tell you listen to Bossman getting it on." Bickslow shakes his head in disappointment. "Seriously Freed, we need to get you a girlfriend who can introduce you to actual hobbies."
"Protecting Laxus-sama is my hobby." Freed replied casually. "And I'm not listening to him getting it on." He used air quotes to emphasize his point. "When he's finished, I just check the trash."
"What you're doing is not protecting?! It's borderline creepy!" Evergreen put her hands in the air in disbelief.
"I will leave no stone unturned when it comes to Laxus-sama," exclaimed Freed passionately.
Laxus couldn't take it anymore. The whole situation overwhelmed him. The screaming, the crying, the assumptions. It was like he was taking care of 4 babies instead of one. "QUIET," he screamed as he stood from the couch.
Luckily his team went silent, but he saw Alexei flinch at his loud tone. His lips quivered as he rubbed his face with tears still running down.
Laxus felt bad for yelling at Alexei. It wasn't his fault. He was just crying because he wanted something but couldn't communicate it yet. Laxus never felt so useless in his entire life. He wished he could ease his pain. Maybe he could start now. "Hey man. I'm sorry for raising my voice. That wasn't cool. I bet you were scared right. I'll try not to do that again. So I hope things are okay now," he said in a soothing voice as Alexei's cries turned into whimpers.
He turned to his team to address them but was greeted by the sight of crying and noses being blown.
"Who would have thought Bossman had a heart," cried Bickslow dramatically.
Evergreen took off her glasses to wipe her eyes. "Look at him being a doting father already."
"As expected of Laxus-sama," said Freed with sparkling eyes as he blew his nose.
"Listen here. Because I'm only going to say this once," he whispered loudly since Alexei fell asleep again. He probably tired himself out. "He's not my son."
Evergreen, Bickslow, and Freed stood in shock as they tried to process the information just given to them. Evergreen was about to yell when Laxus pointed to Alexei, so she whispered harshly instead. "Are you telling me you kidnapped a child?!"
"Not cool, Bossman." Bickslow shook his head.
"I don't think I can support this action of yours, Laxus-sama," said Freed in a regretful tone. "But if the authorities come looking for the child, I'll take the blame for you and say I kidnapped him."
"Wha? No one's taking the blame for anything, and I did not kidnap this child." Laxus shook his head in disbelief. His team was jumping to conclusions again. He took a deep breath to compose himself. "This is my little brother."
His team was about to yell again when he gestured to them to shush, so they whispered. "Whatttt?"
"How did this happen?"
"Well, when a man and a woman have unprotected sex-..."
"I know where babies come from."
Laxus sighed at his team's childish squabbling. He sent a shock towards them to get their attention, grinning when they yelped. "Long story short, my father knocked a gal up, he's in jail, no one wanted him so he's living with me because he's family." His voice turned serious. "I need your help."
"I need you three to stay with the baby for a few hours so I can go out and get some supplies." Laxus was a little skeptical about leaving Alexei alone with his team, but he was pretty sure they would take good care of them. Right?
"Sure. No problem. What's its name," asked Bickslow, picking Alexei up from Laxus's arms into his. "Owwww, why did you hit me?" Bickslow turned to Evergreen, who smacked him with a fan.
"Because you call the baby an it! Who calls a baby it?" Evergreen glares at Bickslow.
I did, thought Laxus, sweat running down his back. Twice, actually. Laxus was glad Evergreen wasn't here before and was smart enough not to bring it up now.
"Well, since you know so much about babies, why don't you hold him," baited Bickslow, holding Alexei mid-air.
"You seriously want me to handle him," Evergreen gestured to her acrylic nails. "I'm a fashionable safety hazard. I'm the last person you want holding him." She could accidentally hurt the kid. Or worse case scenario one of the accessories on her nails could end up in Alexei's mouth. But deep down she didn't want to hold the child.
"I'll hold him," called out Freed from behind, taking Alexei from Bickslow and holding him with expert hands. Evergreen and Bickslow oh'd and ah'd him. He turned to Laxus, who looked slightly worried. He tried to quell his fears. "Don't worry. Laxus-sama. I've read plenty of books about babies. He is in excellent hands."
Laxus felt assured by Freed's confident tone. He was holding the baby correctly and is the only who is knowledgeable about babies. Better Freed than the other two, he thought, gathering his phone, wallet and house keys. "Thanks, man. I knew I could count on you." He gave Freed a pat on the shoulder.
Laxus-sama praised me! Freed thought with a goofy smile on his face. I must continue to do a good job, so he praised me again.
Laxus walked towards the door and was about to leave when he heard the sound of Evergreen's heels clicking after him.
"Wait! Let me come with you. We can get things done faster with two people," panted Evergreen, who was catching her breath. For Alexei's sake, she had to make sure Laxus chose the right clothes for him.
Laxus sighed. She made a good point. "Fine. Let's go."
Evergreen brightened at that and followed him to the baby store.
With Freed and Bickslow
Freed glanced down to see Alexei staring up at him with a smile. Freed gave him a smile back and was about to comment on something to Bickslow when something tickled his nose. He took a few sniffs and his face turned to disgust. The smell was absolutely putrid. He glared at Bickslow, who was picking his ear. "Excuse you," he exclaimed in a pompous voice.
Bickslow was confused. "What did I do?"
Freed gave Bickslow a look of disdain. He had the audacity to pass gas and not take responsibility for it. "You just passed gas in Laxus-sama's precious home. How dare you stink up the place? Have you no shame?"
"What are you-? Whew Freed." Bickslow could finally smell what Freed was talking about. "What did you eat today?" Bickslow scrunched his nose and waved the area in front of his face to blow the acrid smell away. "Blaming me for breaking wind when it was you the whole time. Laxus would be so disappointed in you."
Freed looked offended at this. "I-I would never taint the sanctity of Laxus's home."
"Well, it wasn't me either." Bickslow crossed his arms.
Freed and Bickslow simultaneously stared at Alexei, who was playing with Freed's hair. Bickslow, being the brave soul he is, bent down to smell Alexei's bottom and jumped back at his discovery.
"Oh, Mavis! How can something so small produce something so smelly?" Bickslow clutched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "Go on, Baby Whisperer! Change him!"
"B-but we don't have any diapers," Freed glanced around the room to find something as a substitute.
"Just use one of Laxus's old shirts until they come back. He can't sit in his shit the whole time!" Heck, at this moment, Bickslow was even tempted to hand his helmet to Alexei just to get rid of the smell.
"Fine, but I need you to help me." Freed would not do all the work.
"As long as you physically change him."
Bickslow and Freed headed to Laxus's upstairs bathroom since it had a tub. Freed handed Alexei to a hesitant Bickslow and got to work. He removed his coat and pushed up his sleeves. He opened the faucet and his hand through the water to make sure the temperature was right. "Okay, you can give him back to me." Bickslow had no problem giving Alexei back. "Give me two towels; one for the floor and one to wrap him in."
Bickslow placed one towel on the floor near the tub like Freed suggested and hung the other one on the rack near the tub. "Should I go get a shirt now," standing at the door.
"Yeah, we should have it ready." Freed started to slowly peel off Alexei's clothes. "Hold still," he mumbled when Alexei would roll over or try to crawl away.
Freed grabbed Laxus's toothpaste to distract Alexei with. Unbeknownst to him, the cap was open. When Alexei grabbed the tooth paste with his tiny baby hands, the tooth paste squirted all over Freed's hair. Freed sighed and tried his hair up into a bun. This is for Laxus-sama. This is for Laxus-sama. This is for Laxus-sama. Freed repeated this mantra throughout the whole process of stripping Alexei down to his diapers.
"I'm back," sang Bickslow. He chose the perfect shirt for Alexei when he ruffled through Laxus's closet. It had a picture of a baby's head surrounded by angel wings. It read Guns N Roses: Sweet Child O' Mine.
"Good," replied Freed, barely glancing at the shirt, opening Alexei's diaper. If Freed took the time to look at the shirt, he would have realized it was a limited edition band shirt Laxus got at a concert and never wore because it was a piece for his collection.
Freed flinched when he fully opened Alexei's diaper and tried not to gag at the smell.
"Oh, so that's how baby penises look like," Bickslow chimed in from the side, constructing the shirt into a two piece for Alexei to wear. One part would be the top and the other would be his temporary diaper.
"What did you think they would look like?"
"I don't know different."
"Just throw this out." Freed lifted Alexei up and into the tub. He gestured towards the dirty diaper.
Bickslow sighed and held his nose with one hand, using the other to throw the diaper away.
Freed used the shower head to clean Alexei from head to toe, paying special attention to the private areas. Bickslow held onto him and made silly faces towards him, making him laugh.
Freed turned the faucet off and gathered Alexei in a towel, holding him. "See, that wasn't so hard." Freed was surprised to see things go well. He didn't think the things he read in a book were actually useful.
Freed felt something sticky on his arm. He lifted his hand to see poop on it and Alexei giggling at him. Freed visibly shuddered at this. He HATED getting dirty.
"Bwahahahaha You got shitted on." Bickslow wiped the tears from his face. Freed hated getting dirty. He could only imagine the thoughts going through Freed's head right now. "I'll wash him this time and hand me another towel. This one's pfft has a stain on it." Bickslow tried to keep his composure as he gave Alexei another washing.
With Evergreen and Laxus
Laxus felt a headache coming as he glanced at ALL the baby products. There were so many products to choose from. 20 different types of baby formula. 15 different types of nipples and not the female kind which Laxus thought of at first! 30 different types of diapers; cloth, organic, scented, unscented, absorbent, very absorbent, super absorbent, extremely absorbent, ultra absorbent and so much more. How much absorbing did a baby need?
"Laxus. Laxus. LAXUS!" Evergreen was trying to get Laxus's attention, who seemed to go into another world as he stared at the display of baby items in fear.
"Huh." Laxus was brought out of his hallucination by Evergreen tugging his arm. Thank god she did because he started seeing and hearing babies crying everywhere.
He was going to respect women more after this.
"As I was saying, let's split up. Since you have a questionable taste in clothing, I'm going to get clothes for Alexei." Laxus looked offended at this. "Don't give me that look. You know it's true." She would not hesitate to bring up his horrible animal print shirts. "Don't worry. I'll order a crib and have it delivered to your home." Evergreen left Laxus alone, surrounded by the overwhelming amount of baby products.
The fuck am I supposed to get. There's so much shit here, thought Laxus as he looked at the products in Alexei's age range. Screw it. Laxus started piling boxes of Ultra Absorbent diapers into his cart. The more absorbent, the better. He placed two of different types of nipples and pacifiers. He placed one of each type of baby formula and baby food. We'll just see what he ends up liking.
Laxus strolled down the aisle and met up with Evergreen with her own cart full of clothes. "Is all this necessary?"
"Babies grow Laxus. What might fit him today, may not fit him tomorrow." Evergreen shrugged her shoulders. She had a blast choosing outfits for the little boy. Now she had to trust Laxus not to screw the styling up. God forbid he'd pair up polka dots with stripes. "The crib should arrive tomorrow morning. Don't worry, the workers will assemble it for you there. I also got him this." Evergreen dug under the pile of clothes to pull something out. She placed the object on top of the pile. A blue dragon plush. "You know, so he gets to know his older brother."
This gesture touched Laxus. Although deep down he wished it was yellow, like his lightning blue was just a suitable color as well. At least it wasn't red or black. He couldn't his little brother playing with a dragon the same color as Natsu and Gajeel.
Laxus thanked Evergreen. "Let's go to the checkout aisle and head back. I wonder how the guys are holding up."
Back to Freed and Bickslow
"Maybe he's hungry," yelled Bickslow to Freed, both covering their ears to Alexei's screaming.
"Then do something," Freed yelled back, staring at Alexei, fussing on the blanket they placed on the floor, wearing Laxus's Guns N Roses shirt.
"I don't know! Produce milk." Bickslow squeezed Freed's pectoral.
Freed swatted Bickslow's hand away from his chest. "I'm physically unable to get pregnant or produce milk. What and where the hell am I supposed to produce milk."
"Well…" Bickslow's mind went to the gutter.
"DO NOT GO THERE. There's a child here for crying out loud." Freed was appalled, to say the least.
"Wow, way to point out the obvious Mr. Smarty Pants." Bickslow rolled his eyes. It seemed Freed only knew a few things about babies instead of the genius he claimed to be. "A crying baby. Please enlighten us with more of your bullshit wisdom."
Freed was about to yell back when the front door opened. "We're saved," he cried in a relieved tone. Laxus was back and Freed could finally go home and take a shower to get rid of the toothpaste in his hair and poop smell.
"What's going on," called out Laxus as he walked into the room, carrying multiple bags of groceries. He placed everything on his kitchen counter and gawked at Freed's appearance. "Freed! What happened?" He glanced at Alexei, who was wearing his precious shirt. "Is that my limited edition one of a kind Guns N Roses t-shirt that was never supposed to be worn," said Laxus as his nostrils flared up.
After a few seconds of silence, Bickslow responded in a serious tone. "Yes." He quickly explained himself when Laxus directed a glare towards him and Freed. "He took a deuce, and we had nothing to change him with."
"And there was nothing other than that shirt." Laxus was still a little sensitive about his precious shirt.
"It said Sweet Child O' Mine and had a picture of a baby. I thought it was appropriate for the occasion," replied Bickslow.
"Stop arguing about the shirt and put an actual diaper on the baby," yelled Evergreen, frustrated by the situation.
"Fine," grumbled Laxus. "Take whatever you guys made off." Laxus headed over to the diaper box labeled Ultra Absorbent diapers. He took one out and opened it. He was shocked to see the diaper twice the size of his hand.
"What the hell, Laxus? It's huge," screeched Evergreen. She left Laxus alone for like 5 minutes.
"That's what she said," Bickslow says with a perverted grin on his face. He raised his hands in the air when everyone glared at him. "Sheesh. Can't take a simple joke?"
"It's ultra absorbent okay. We need all the absorbing we need." Laxus just read the box and realized he brought the wrong size, but he wasn't going to admit that.
Laxus brought the clean diaper to Alexei, who was wiggling on the blanket. He noticed the scar Mest talked about on his abdomen. "Okay, what do I do?" He glanced back at his team.
"Uh, the front goes in the front and the back goes in the back," explained Freed from a distance. He did not want to have another accident.
Which side is the front and which side is the back? They both look the same! Laxus thought as he glanced at the diaper from each angle. He looked down to see Alexei crawling his way towards the kitchen. "Woah, kid. Being naked in a kitchen is a safety hazard. Let's get you dressed first, then we'll eat."
Laxus placed Alexei back on the blanket and finally figured out the tape went in the front. He taped Alexei's diaper as tight as he could since the diaper was big.
Huh. That was easier than I thought. Laxus felt so proud of himself. It was the first time he put a diaper on a baby and other than getting the size wrong; he managed to put it on correctly.
"Let's make you some dinner." Laxus stood up and picked Alexei, raising him in the air. At the moment Laxus lifted Alexei up, the diaper Laxus 'easily' put on fell to the ground.
The Thunder Legion snickered when Alexei's diaper fell to the ground.
Laxus was about to glare at his team when he felt something warm and wet on his shirt. He glanced down to see Alexei peeing on him.
Oh shit, thought Laxus as he stared at Alexei smiling at him. Laxus was pretty sure he did it on purpose. Waited for the perfect opportunity, no diaper. This is going to be a long night.