Please read this note because it's very important that y'all have the context here.
Anyone in the Shandom who knows me, knows I've been around for a really, really long time. I feel like I grew up here. I'm old enough to remember when it was cool to be rAnDoM xD. And this year marks the THIRTEENTH anniversary of that first abomination of unrelenting chaos I ever yeeted up into the World Wide Web. The plan was to post this about 6 months ago on the actual day but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But lately I've been in such a bad place with my current writing, I wanted to remember why I'm doing any of this. So I went back to where I started.
On February 28th, 2008 - The Vampire Files: Vampires On Vacation was born. TVF has been part of my identity for half my life now. And that's not an exaggeration, that's literally math. I've never made a habit of celebrating these anniversaries, seeing as my level of activity on and the online Shandom in general has been in a permanent state of fluctuation; I've never been good at creating content consistently. The only consistency was the fact that I kept coming back.
Last summer I made a joking throwaway post on my Tumblr blog wishing someone would take on the monumental task of going back through the TVF archive and "renovating" it a little bit. This was inspired by my amazement that even after 20 years, Cirque Du Freak is still gaining new fans. People are exploring this fandom for the first time, and that does things to my emotions. I have so many core memories attached to all of this - I wanted to NOT cringe at the idea of someone stumbling across a TVF fic for the first time in the 2020's.
There's a lot about these stories I love. And a lot that I'm not as proud of: the spelling and grammatical mistakes my half-ass proofreading never caught, the formatting mishaps, the poorly aged humour/references, the lengthy irrelevant author's notes because for whatever reason I used this shit as my diary? (Why? What was the reason?). Basically all of the things I wanted to change, but lacked the mental fortitude to read back through this literal documentation of my teenage cringe years and do it myself.
Enter my friend Mace, a long-time TVF reader, who offered his time and energy to do it all for me. And he fucking slayed it, holy shit Mace. I owe you everything. I can't even put into words how much this means to me. The fact that you did it is amazing. But what gets me is the fact that you even WANTED to do it in the first place. I'll never forget. This was a dream come true. So here it is, folks. We're re-releasing the entire TVF vault from start to finish. Starting right here.
If you've been here before, I'm guessing you're like me and are using CDF as a coping mechanism as the world crumbles around us. Welcome back, old friend.
If you're new here - I hope you enjoy your time reading this humble text document. I'm not trying to change your life here, but if you get a smile out of it then I call that a win. From the randomness, to the now-outdated pop culture references, to the complete rejection of canon, and even the unexpected moments of tenderness scattered throughout... this is The Vampire Files.
Thank you, TVF. Thank you for the friends I made over the years. Thank you for the (questionably deserved) confidence you gave me. Thank you for taking up space in my head in the best possible way. So here it is, folks. The one that started it all: Vampires On Vacation. Don't overthink it. It may have been edited by an adult in 2021, but it was still written by a kid in 2008. So, as we used to say back in my day... no flames, plz.
Title: The Vampire Files 1: Vampires on Vacation
Category: Books ยป Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak
Author: roxypony
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Humor/Parody
Published: 02-28-08, Updated: 11-17-11
Chapters: 12
Chapter 1: Abomination
It was several days after Darren had been made a Prince. He was in his room installing something that not many vampires knew about. Something most likely forbidden. Something magical and full of wonder.
"What on Earth...is that?" Harkat inquired as he entered the room to find Darren fiddling with a strange looking piece of equipment.
"It's a computer, what did you think it was?" Darren responded sarcastically.
"What...might that be?"
Darren chuckled. "That was hilarious, Mulds. Sounded like you said you didn't know what a computer was."
"I did...say that."
Darren looked long and hard at Harkat. "You poor deprived Little Person. How would you like to help me set this up?"
"What...would you like me...to do?"
"You can start by plugging this into that hole" said Darren, handing Harkat a pluggy thingy.
Harkat shoved it into the hole.
Then he pulled it out.
Then he stuck it in again.
Pulled it out.
Back in again.
He continued to do this for some time, going faster and faster.
"Mulds, you are one sick Little Person."
Harkat chuckled.
"If you leave the plug in the hole, I can show you how to go online." Darren offered.
"Online...sounds good...whatever it is..."
"I'll even hook you up with an e-mail address!"
"Is an..email address...edible?"
"No, but if you have an email address, you can go on eBay, and you can order food from there. They'll deliver it right to the mountain!"
"I like...the computer...so far."
Just then, Seba walked in.
"WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS ABOMINATION? JUST WAIT TILL I TELL THE PRINCES IT'S GOING TO GET CARTED STRAIGHT OFF TO THE HALL OF DEATH I WARNED THEM NOT TO MAKE YOU A PRINCE BUT WOULD THEY LISTEN NOOOO AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ABOMINATION! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS-"
"Hey Seba! How would you like your very own email address?" Darren interrupted
"I REFUSE TO SUPPORT THE ABOMINATION!"
"You can go on eBay and buy anything you want!"
"NO!"
"You can instant-message to anybody anywhere!"
"Not interested!"
"There are...dating websites...especially for the elderly!" Harkat offered.
Seba went from looking livid to intensely enthusiastic in the space of one millisecond.
"Well why did you not say so? But I do not want any of this elderly nonsense. Get me onto LavaLife. And this does not mean I approve of the Abomination!"
"I don't even want to know how he knows about LavaLife." Darren said, as he logged onto the internet. "All right, what do you want your addresses to be?"
Several minutes later, each had their own email address, and Seba and Harkat were eager to learn about what they could do with their new device.
"I would...like very much to...investigate this eBay...you mentioned."
"LAVALIFE!"
"To make everyone happy, we're going to eBay to order some supplies. We can have a computer in every single room of Vampire Mountain. And we need iPods. And stereos. Refrigerators. Phones. Couches. In short, Vampire Mountain is about to go through Extreme Makeover, Mountain Edition."
"I don't know...what any of those things are...but they sound good." Harkat encouraged.
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO USE THE ABOMINATION TO DESECRATE WHAT HAS BEEN OUR HOME FOR CENTURIES!" Seba shrieked.
Darren grinned. "I'm not desecrating Vampire Mountain, I'm just giving it some homey touches! And if you don't stop complaining, I'm not helping you post your profile on LavaLife."
Seba scowled. "How soon can those other computers get here?"
"I'll take care of it. But you have to get out so I can send some emails."
"To who?" Seba inquired.
"Debbie Hemlock, of course." Harkat snickered.
"It's nobody! Now shut up Mulds, or I'm not getting you an email address." Darren growled. "And don't tell anyone about this!"
After sending several emails to nobody, Darren logged onto eBay and proceeded to order a variety of items to help himself feel more at home amongst the Vampires. As he examined inflatable women, the door behind him swung open and Mika, Paris, Arrow, Mr. Crepsley, Kurda, Seba and Harkat burst in.
"You have a magic box?" Kurda gasped in awe.
"It's called...a commuter...you douchebag!" Harkat retorted.
"Darren said it was called an Abomination!"
"No, Seba. That's what you said it was called."
Darren sighed. Maybe this had not been such a good idea.
"I would like to order...some food now!" Harkat reminded me.
"To make you all happy, I will give you a crash course on using eBay, then you can each make 10 minutes to order whatever you want, then no more computer time until yours arrives."
"Who put you in charge?" Mika snorted.
"That would be us, Mika." Paris said, sounding slightly like he regretted the decision to make Darren a Prince.
After giving a detailed seminar on ordering items on eBay, Darren wrote down everyone's names alphabetically.
"Arrow, you can order your stuff now. Everyone out."
"Why does Arrow get to go first?" Kurda whined girlishly. "Why not me? That's not fair!"
Darren rolled his eyes. "Kurda, you're such a blonde, don't tell me you don't know what the phrase "alphabetical order" means."
"So who goes next?" Kurda persisted.
"Harkat. You're after him."
"But I can't wait that long!"
"Fine. You can go last."
Kurda shrieked in fury and stomped dramatically out of the room.
"Who peed on his pancakes?" Harkat wondered.
Chapter 2: UPS
It was almost a month after Darren and the other inhabitants of Vampire Mountain had ordered their "supplies'' from the newly introduced wonder known as eBay. Days had passed slowly after the memorable afternoon where Harkat, Seba, Mr. Crespley, Mika, Paris, Arrow, and Kurda had enjoyed their first encounter with 21st century technology. Each Vampire had gone on an ordering spree and were anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new accessories. Unfortunately, most of them were beginning to doubt that the UPS man would be able to find Vampire Mountain.
Darren, Mika, Paris and Arrow were playing Go Fish in the Hall of Princes using a pack of cards which had been hand-made by Darren during the long, boring days. He was learning the hard way that Vampires are not especially good at playing cards.
"Do you have any lines, Mika?" Paris asked.
"Paris, we've been through this at least five times. They're not called lines, they're called ones!" Darren reminded.
"They look like lines to me." the ancient Vampire growled.
"I don't have any lines." Mika added.
"Sure you do!" Arrow informed everyone. "You don't call that a line?"
"Nope, it's one of those things with a hooky thingy on the end." Mika retorted.
"For the last damn time, it's called a seven!"Darren groaned.
"My turn!" Arrow interrupted. "Darren, do you have any - WHAT IS THIS?"
He waved a card with an 8 on it.
The other three looked closer at the card.
"Relax, Arrow. It's just a snowman." said Paris wisely.
"Not if you turn it the other way..." Arrow turned the card on it's side and showed it to everyone.
"THAT'S JUST WRONG!" Mika gasped in a scandalised tone.
I thought Princes were supposed to be wise and respected. Darren thought.
Suddenly Harkat raced into the Hall.
"We..are...under...attack!" gasped the Little Person.
"Finally! Some real action!" Mika yelled as he grabbed his sword and darted out of the hall with Arrow in close pursuit and Paris shuffling along behind them. Darren followed the Princes to the main entrance to the Mountain. In the long corridor there were stacks and stacks of boxes in every size and shape imaginable. And at the end of the hall, Mika was holding his sword to the throat of a uniformed man who looked absolutely petrified.
"Who are you? Are you with the Vampaneze? Are you a spy? WHY ARE YOU HERE?" Mika interrogated.
"I'm...just...making...a...delivery!" gasped the man. "I'll leave as soon as these boxes are unloaded, I swear!"
"Whoa, Mika! Relax! It's only a UPS guy! He's here to drop off the stuff we ordered!" Darren interrupted.
"In that case, gimme my computer!" said Mika, instantly losing interest in the UPS guy.
Mr. Crepsley, Seba, Kurda and Harkat wandered in and did a double-take upon seeing the mountains of boxes.
"Omigosh, big brown cubes!" Kurda squealed in delight. Everyone ignored him.
"You might want to unpack your boxes to make sure your items weren't damaged during shipping." the UPS guy said, trying to regain his professional manner. "And there's 6 other trucks outside waiting to be unloaded." he added, shocking Darren. He turned to his friends
"What did you guys order?" he gasped incredulously.
"Not much..." mumbled Mr. Crepsley, shuffling his feet.
Not for the first time, Darren regretted smuggling the computer into Vampire Mountain.
An hour later, the boxes were unpacked in the hall. The UPS guy was checking his list.
"So that's 30 Apple MacBook computers, 15 extra large couches, 20 reclining chairs, a crate of iPods, assorted types and colours, 5 extra large refrigerators, an ice cream maker, 6 cappuccino makers, an extra large iPod-compatible stereo system, a karaoke, machine, a toaster, 2 treadmills, 8 cell phones, an electric scooter, a crate of assorted DVDs, a crate of assorted CDs, 8 plasma screen TVs with 6-speaker surround sound, 10 extra large crates of assorted food items, 8 sets of ski equipment, and 8 two week passes for Golden Horseshoe Ski Resort!" the Guy recited in one breath. "The items are billed to a Mr. P. Skyle? Is he present?"
Paris stepped forward looking furious, disgusted, incredulous, scandalised, amazed, and horrified.
"Will you be using Visa, Mastercard, cash, or check?"
Outside, in the delivery vans...
"Pete's been in there an awful long time, should one of us go after him?" Richard wondered.
"Nah, he'll be out in a sec." Hank answered
Two seconds later, Pete's body came flying out the door, looking as though it had been tossed by someone with muscles the size of bowling balls...it was also drained of blood.
Richard, Hank, and the rest of the UPS guys pulled 360 turns and vacated the mountain at 110 mph.
Back inside Vampire Mountain, Darren and the gang were busy stocking rooms with their new possessions as though nothing had happened.
On the screen of a computer...
VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN OFFICIAL CHATROOM
littleD has signed in.
Lcreps has signed in
MVLmvp has signed in
arrow01 has signed in
ImOld has signed in
Se_Nile has signed in
muldz has signed in
KissThis4KS has signed in
littleD says: hey ppls!
Lcreps says: Darren! What on earth does "ppls" mean?
littleD says: SIGH it's a short form of PEOPLES ur so stupid!
Lcreps says: You will show proper respect for me or else i will have this machine taken straight to the Hall of Death.
littleD says: don't tell me uve never heard of internet speak.
Lcreps says: Do not tell ME you have never heard of proper grammar!
littleD: w/e
muldz says: greetings everyone!
littleD says: hey harkat! howr u enjoying ur food?
muldz says: it is a great improvement from dead animals :)
MVLmvp says: wats up guys
muldz says: n2m, u?
littleD says: what does MVLmvp mean?
MVLmvp says : Mika Ver Leth, Most Valuable Prince! what did u THINK it meant?
littleD: okk then...
littleD has left this Chat Room
Later, when everyone had their fill of computering for the day, they gathered in the newly re-decorated living room complete with a plasma screen TV. They were flicking between The Simpsons, SportsChannel, and some random show about spiders on the Discovery Channel. As Seba, Mika, and Harkat squabbled over the remote, Darren opened an envelope that had arrived with the rest of the stuff.
"This is why we ordered more than one television." Mr. Crepsley noted to Mika, Seba, and Harkat, who took no notice.
"What's that, Darren?" Arrow inquired, noticing the brochures in the young Vampire's hands.
"This would be an excellent time to make my announcement. Listen up, guys!" Darren called.
When all eyes were on him, Darren continued: "I've booked us two week skiing vacation somewhere in North America!"
This didn't get quite the reaction he had hoped for. Mika voiced what was on everyone's mind when he asked...
"What on earth is skiing?"
After Darren finished explaining what skiing was, reactions were mixed.
"I think...it sounds like...big fun!" Harkat defended loyally.
"YOU WILL NEVER GET ME UP ON ONE OF THOSE DEATH TRAPS! I SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THE ABOMINATION BEFORE IT CAME TO THIS!" that was Seba, obviously.
"What colours do the ski outfits come in? I hear pinks and greens are VERY hot this season" Kurda contributed, causing everyone to mutter uncomfortably.
Not for the last time, Darren regretted smuggling the Abomination-er, Computer- into the world of Vampires.
Chapter 3: Everyone Gets Turned Off Hats
On a computer screen:
littleD has signed in
Lcreps has signed in
littleD says: wassup mr c?
Lcreps says: Darren, I cannot believe that you booked this Ski Vacation without informing us first!
littleD says: ur still bummed about that? lighten up it's gonna be fun
Lcreps says: You may have your fun, I shall not participate. I will stay here with Seba and take care of Vampire Mountain in your absence.
littleD says: lmfao didn't seba tell u? HE'S GOING TOO! HAHAHAH BURN!
Lcreps says: Fine then. I am perfectly capable of staying here on my own.
littleD says: suuuuuuure u are...
Lcreps says: Wait a minute! You are not forcing Seba to take part in this vacation, are you?
littleD says: omg no! he's eager!
Lcreps says: I highly doubt that.
Se_Nile has signed in
Se_Nile says: 1 MORE DAY TILL TEH TRIPPPPPPPP:D:D:D:D:D:D DAAAARREN what should i pack?
littleD says: hmmm well obviously ull need ur ski equipment, might wanna bring some snackage, some money in case u run out of snackage, toothbrush/toothpaste, spare robes, u know. vacationy stuffs.
Se_Nile says: okk g2g pack! What time r we leaving tomorrow?
littleD says: about 5 pm. were flitting to the airport then flying to the ski resort.
Se_Nile says: THAT'S TOO EARLY IT'S PRACTICALLY THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY :O:O:O:O
littleD says: fine then u can stay here with mr c
Se_Nile says: NOOO I'LL COME!
littleD says: okk ttyl bye
Lcreps says: Seba! Do not tell me you are taking part in this ridiculous outing!
Se_Nile has signed out
KissThis4KS has signed in
KissThis4KS says: ooooomg you guys... I was jussttttt talking to you, on seeba's account! cuz he logged in on my comp and forgot to log out again :O silly seba. WAIT DOES THAT MEAN WERE LIKE THE SAME PERSON NOW? AM I GONNA GROW FACIAL HAIR? OHHH GAAAAWWDDD!
KissThis4KS has signed out
littleD: i was wondering why seba was being so liberal with the emoticons... that explains a lot
Lcreps says: Well have fun on your vacation, Darren. When you come home with broken bones, do not say i did not warn you.
littleD says: hey u used a lowercase "i"! great job, i'm so proud!
Lcreps says: OH NO! Can I not correct it?
littleD says: nuh uh :)
Lcreps has signed out
littleD says: hahaha sucker
littleD has signed out
In the Living Room of Vampire Mountain, everyone was bringing their various bags of stuff so they could grab them easily when they woke up early the next night.. Kurda was dragging his baby blue Prada suitcase filled with various hair products and his handy-dandy hair straightener. Mika was carrying a small black backpack stocked with his black laptop, black iPod, black digital camera, and a change of black clothes. He was also carrying his black snowboard.
"Where did that come from?" Darren commented on the snowboard.
"I exchanged it, the skis were awkward. They were also orange."
"Did the UPS guy escape with his life this time?"
"It didn't come by UPS, I picked it up at a post office 300 miles away. I had to flit there, but it was worth it to not have to deal with those snivelling UPS guys."
Arrow was toting a humongous bulging suitcase. Darren poked it. A sharp blade jutted through the fabric at his touch.
"What is in there?" Darren yelped.
"My armour and swords. There might be Vampaneze there, did you ever think of that?"
"They're not gonna let this stuff on the plane, you know."
"Oh yes they will. They wouldn't dare say no to a Prince."
Darren highly doubted that, but he didn't feel like wasting his time arguing with Arrow.
Paris was holding his medicine pouch, making sure he had all of his various pills.
"I didn't know Vampires took pills." Darren noted.
"What did you think kept me alive for 800 years?"
"Vampire blood?"
"I suppose that may have helped a little..." Paris responded disinterestedly.
Darren shrugged and went to help Harkat stuff his tiny snowsuit into his little blue backpack.
"I am...looking forward...to skiing!" Harkat said happily.
"I'm glad someone is."
"Although I am...wondering..." Harkat continued. "These...chair lifts...you mentioned...How high up...do they go?"
"Some of them go pretty high, the highest probably go about 50 feet above the ground, or more!" Darren answered. At that moment, Kurda called him over, so he never saw the nervous expression on Harkat's face.
"Darren, I need your opinion. You're totally honest opinion."
"Ok, for starters, I don't think you should be using Herbal Essences Body Envy shampoo, in fact, I think you should burn all of your hair products. Stop wearing colour contact lenses, lose those tight robes, and avoid wearing eyeliner at all costs."
"I meant your opinion on these hats - WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY EYELINER?"
"Back to the hats..." said Darren quickly. "Which ones were you thinking of bringing?"
"These." Kurda held up a basket of various hats, one was hot pink with a silver Roxy logo on it. One was black with silver studs. Another was yellow with pink elephants. There were long hats, wooly hats, Santa hats of various colours, even some square hats.
"HEY, THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR!" Darren yelled.
"I don't know what you're talking about." said Kurda, putting on the pink hat and examining himself in the mirror.
"Where did you get it?"
"eBay, of course. They were having a sale on all Roxy winter wear."
"NOT THE PINK ONE, THE ELEPHANT ONE!"
"I bought it on eBay."
"Really, 'cause it looks a lot like you hijacked Gavner's boxers and turned them into a hat."
Everyone stared at Kurda.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Kurda yelled bravely, putting on the black studded hat.
"HEY!" Mika bellowed. "THAT WAS MY BOXERS!" Mika jumped on Kurda and pinned him to the floor, wrestling the black studded hat from his grip.
"Let me see that pink hat again!" Mr. Crepsley yelled. Darren tossed it to him.
"Oh Kurda, you did not!" moaned Mr. Crepsley. "This used to be Arra's underwear!"
"What did you do, swipe everyone's pants and turn them into hats?" Paris gasped incredulously.
Kurda blushed furiously. "I used to teach Girl Guides...and...um...and one of the activities was "101 ways to make hats'', and..." he mumbled his way into silence.
The hall was silent, except for Mr. Crepsley whimpering as he cuddled what used to be Arra's underwear.
Yet again, Darren regretted bringing the computer into Vampire Mountain.
He broke the awkward silence. "We should get to bed, we have to wake up early tomorrow night."
Everyone left to go to their various coffins, keeping well away from Kurda and his basket of hats.
Chapter 4: Road Trippin
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The alarm clock shattered the cold silence of Vampire Mountain at 4:30 p.m. Darren leapt joyfully out of bed.
"Wakey wakey Harkat!" he shouted, shaking the Little Person.
"What...time...is...it...?" Harkat groaned tiredly.
"4:31"
"You...must...be...crazy..." he went back to sleep
After five minutes, Harket still had not gotten out of bed, so Darren picked him up ("Abuse!" Harkat shouted) and carried him downstairs to the Living Room where the rest of the gang had congregated with their various baggage. Kurda stood dejectedly in the corner, dismally holding his only remaining hat, the pink elephant one. (The rest had been confiscated by their previous owners.) Darren dropped Harkat in a large chair, where the Little Person promptly went back to sleep. In fact, it seemed like almost everyone was on the verge of going back to sleep. Seba was asleep, stretched out on his seven huge suitcases. Paris was sitting on the couch, taking random pictures of everyone. Mika was listening to his iPod with his eyes closed. Arrow was staring at the wall.
"So we're ready to go then?" Darren said, startling everyone.
Mumbling, everyone got up and started towards the door. Then...
"WAIT FOR ME!"
"About time you showed up, Mr. Crepsley."
"What do you mean, about time? I have decided to accompany you, but do not expect me to use those ridiculous skis" the redheaded Vampire scowled.
Darren chuckled. He would make sure that Mr. Crepsly would be the first one to try out the double black diamond hills. Whether he wanted to or not.
OK, do you all have your stuff? Skis?"
Everyone said "CHECK" except for Mika, who was staring expectantly at Darren.
Darren sighed. "Snowboards?"
"CHECK" said Mika loudly.
"Snowsuits?"
"CHECK"
"Hats?"
"...Check..." Nervous glances at Kurda.
"Cell phones!"
"CHECK"
"iPods!"
"CHECK"
"Can we...go now?" that was Harkat. "This is...getting...dull."
"Laptops?" Darren persisted.
"Check, now LET'S GO!" Mika yelled. He bolted out the door, with everyone else not far behind.
"What now?" Darren asked as he saw everyone had gathered just outside the entrance.
"How are...we getting there?" Harkat wanted to know.
"Flitting, I already told you."
"How on earth do you expect us to flit when we are laden down with these obscenely large suitcases?" Mr. Crepsley grumbled.
For a moment Darren had no answer. Then...
"We'll take the abandoned UPS truck." Darren grinned at his own cleverness, but no one else did.
"Why can't we take a Cadillac Escalade?" Kurda whined. They seat like more than two people!"
"Tell you what, Kurda. If you can find a Cadillac Escalade anywhere around Vampire Mountain, you can drive it to the airport. But until you find one, you're cramming in with the rest of us." Darren said through gritted teeth.
Kurda looked blank for a moment, then said, "I don't get it."
Darren ignored the stereotypical blond and said to the others, "I'm driving. The rest of you can do rock, paper, scissors to see who rides up front with me. If you don't win, you can make yourself comfortable in the back."
Unfortunately, Vampires are not familiar with "rock, paper, scissors''. Or "inky, pinky, ponky". Or "put your two cigarettes in''. Or anything even remotely familiar.
So Darren used a method that he was sure all Vampires (and Little People) were used to: "Fight for it! Last guy standing gets the front seat."
The guys jumped on each other viciously. For almost 10 minutes, no one was winning, then Seba had a mild heart attack, and he collapsed dragging Kurda down with him, who squealed and grabbed Paris's pants in an effort to stay on his feet. It didn't keep him standing, but everyone got a good view of Paris's...well you know what I mean. Mr. Creplsey screamed, covered his eyes, and ran directly into a tree, thus knocking himself down. Now only Mika, Arrow, and Harkat remained on their feet. Ignoring Harkat, Mika lunged at Arrow, who bodychecked him. Mika collapsed painfully, while Arrow did a victory dance. That is, until Harkat grabbed his legs and tipped him over.
"It appears...that I am...the last guy standing." Harkat noted. "Although I am unsure...whether I can be...classified as a guy."
"Close enough, Mulds. Now... let's...get...in...the...DAMN...TRUCK!"
"Wow, freak fest much?" Kurda bitched.
"You are THIS close to being tied to the roof for the entire ride." Darren snapped.
Rawr, Kurda thought.
It took almost 10 minutes of shoving and scrambling over each other and rearranging luggage and much complaining before everyone was (somewhat) comfortably settled in. Harkat and Darren buckled themselves in, and prepared to leave, then...
"I have absolutely no idea how to drive."
The passengers in the back erupted into language much too intense for a T-rated story.
"May I...sit there...please?" You know who that was.
Within 15 nerve-wracking minutes, Harkat had maneuvered them onto a tiny trail through the forest.
"You know how to drive?"
"It seems I...do." Harkat smiled in a way only he could. "I guess I...drove in my...previous life."
Darren leaned back and made himself as comfortable as possible with numerous suitcases and various limbs surrounding him. Behind him, Mika was being pestered by Kurda who wanted to know "How do you get such natural shine in your hair?" ("Natural shine happens to people who don't use dye."came the grumbled reply.) Seba was recovering from his heart attack by indulging in his supply of waffles. Paris was still taking pictures of everyone and everything. Arrow had his laptop out and was instant-messaging Mr. Crepsley, who was sitting about four feet away.
arrow01 says: sup creps
Lcreps says: Do you know how much longer it is until we arrive and can get out of this ridiculously cramped truck? It smells like sardines and waffles!
arrow01 says: wtf
Lcreps says: What does that mean?
(Arrow tells Mr. Crepsley exactly what "wtf" means)
Lcreps has signed out.
Darren pulled out his laptop, and began a long, juicy e-mail to Debbie...Then without warning...
"DARREN! DARREN! DARREN! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARREN!"
"WHAT NOW KURDA?"
"I gotta pee. Like reeeeal bad. And I think I might be motion sick. Just a little, or maybe more than a little. I donno, it feels like a cold, slimy worm is crawling out of my stomach, do you get that feeling when you get motion sick? I've never been motion sick before, unless you count right now, and - Hey good news! I don't have to pee anymore!"
There was a scuffle as everyone tried to get as far away from Kurda as they could.
"I see a...what do you call it? ... Gas station?...Up ahead." Harkat said hopefully.
"The first good thing that's happened today." Darren scowled.
Even before they stopped, Mika, Kurda, Larten, Paris, Arrow, and Seba piled out of the truck and stampeded into the gas station. As the cashier watched the Vampires kill each other for the only bathroom, Harkat crept in and made off with an unpacked box of assorted candy.
Darren took this opportunity to take a video of the madness, and also to regret bringing the Computer into Vampire Mountain.
Half an hour later, the gang was on the road again, loaded up with supplies. Darren was shocked to learn that the average Vampire has never eaten Rolo Cones, Doritos, Coffee Crisp bars, or Gatorade. And when you eat all these things in large quantities for the first time, you tend to get a little hyper.
"How much farther...to the airport?" Harkat asked.
"Not too long, maybe about 10 minu-THERE'S THE TURN-OFF!" Darren yelled as they passed the large sign that Harkat could evidently not read.
Harkat veered onto the smaller road that led off the busy highway they were on. There were yells of complaint as the passengers in the back fell into the side of the van.
The remaining 10 minutes of the ride passed uneventfully, unless you counted Paris taking more random and extremely annoying pictures of everyone.
"How can you take pictures of Vampires on that thing?" Darren inquired.
"I just changed the setting to "Vampire Mode".
"But Vampires can't be photographed."
"That was old technology."
Darren had no comment. Just then,
"We're...here!"
The back door of the UPS truck was broken off its hinges as six large vampires and at least 20 different pieces of baggage tumbled out the back. Darren and Harkat climbed out slightly more calmly toting their small backpacks. Once their bags were checked inside the airport...
"Where the hell are we supposed to go?"
"No idea."
"There must be at least a hundred frigging metal flying thingers here. Which one do we get on?"
"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?"
Everyone looked at Darren, of course.
Darren opened his mouth to respond, when suddenly a voice cracked over the P.A. system, startling Kurda and causing him to leap into Mika's arms. Mika dropped him unceremoniously.
"Flight 147 to Quebec is now boarding. Repeat, flight 147 to Quebec is boarding at gate 27."
"RUN!" Darren yelled.
The gang stampeded through the airport, causing alarm among the various travellers that were still awake at 1 am.
"This is making me sweat!" moaned Kurda.
Arrow knocked him down.
"Last call for passengers boarding flight 147 to Quebec." said the voice over the P.A.
"NO!" Darren cried. They would never make it in time.
Just then, he heard a little siren... like the ones on those golf carts important people ride through airports. The security guards had caught up with them. The ski trip was doomed. The cart stopped in front of them.
"We're gonna miss our flight, officer!" Darren pleaded.
But it wasn't a security guard behind the wheel...
"Mulds, I have never been so happy to see you."
"Not even when...I saved you...from the Blooded Boar?"
"I guess that might have come close..."
"JUST...JUMP...IN!"
The Vampires piled into the cart, with Mr. Crepsley clinging to the roof and complaining. Harkat floored it to almost 80 mph, swerving around corners and expertly dodging people. They screeched to a stop right at gate 27, and booted it onto the plane. Darren chuckled as he realised that they had somehow avoided customs. Looked like Arrow's swords were going to Quebec after all. Soon everyone was settled in and comfortable, as though their mad dash through the airport had never happened. Seba was snoozing lightly, Mr. Crepsley was watching the little TV in the back of the seat in front of him. Mika was listening to his iPod. Arrow was on his laptop. Paris was still taking pictures. Kurda was re-styling his hair. Harkat was eating a Coffee Crisp bar. They looked so peaceful. Darren smiled, pulled out his camera and took a picture of his friends. Then he pulled out his own laptop.
Darren's Blog, March 5th, 2:30 am:
Maybe smuggling the Computer into Vampire Mountain hadn't been such a bad idea after all.
Then, suddenly: "This is your pilot speaking. We will be taking off now. Please fasten all seatbelts."
The plane began to move, releasing a barrage of complaints from the Vampires. Then it picked up speed, terrifying Kurda. When they reached maximum height, Kurda leaned back into his seat, and for a moment, it looked like he would be OK, then he picked up his air sickness bag and...
Darren's Blog, March 5th, 2:35 am:
That last thing i said? Never mind...
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