Chapter 5: Taste of Snow
The plane trip passed unusually uneventfully. Kurda had been hitting on an airline attendant for the whole ride, Harkat's robes accidentally got stuck in the toilet when he flushed, and he had to call for assistance, Darren finished a 10-page blog, then Seba thought it would be a brilliant joke to delete the entire thing. Everyone was extremely bored. Finally, the pilot announced that it was time to land. As they descended Earth, the plane was buffeted by fierce Canadian winds. The plane touched down on the runway and eventually vroomed to a stop after a few tense minutes. Mika freaked out as Kurda lost his lunch into yet another air sickness bag. The second the pilot gave the passengers the OK to begin exiting the aircraft in an orderly fashion, the Vampires leaped over their seats and vacated the plane as fast as they could. Then, after several adventures involving an escalator, a decorative water fountain, and Kurda taking a ride on the baggage pick-up conveyor thingy, they were standing in front of the Rent-A-Car station.
"Can we rent a Cadillac Escalade? Please? Please? Please? Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee? Please with fresh blood on top?" (He said this rather loudly, causing passers-by to stare.)
"I guess..." Darren mumbled, but he was secretly delighted at the thought of pulling up at the Resort in an Escalade. He just didn't want to agree with Kurda.
Once Darren had paid for the new wheels on his shiny new credit card, (ordered on eBay, of course) they were on the road again. Accomodations were slightly more comfortable, since the Escalade sat 7 people. Harkat, unfortunately, had to be smuggled in the trunk. With a fresh supply of junk food, everyone was feeling good as they pulled up at Golden Horseshoe Ski Resort.
"Alright, rooms are expensive, so we're buddying up." Darren informed his gang. "It's going to be me and Harkat, Mr. Crepsley and Seba, Paris and Arrow, and Mika and...Kurda."
Everyone stared in sympathy at Mika, who stared at his feet and tried hard not to cry.
"Woohoo! This is gonna be fun, just me and my ol' buddy Mikers! We can stay up late, tell ghost stories, and style each other's hair!" Kurda enthused.
"You make one move towards my hair, and you're sleeping in the bathtub. If your skin comes in contact with mine, or my stuff, you are sleeping in the toilet. Are we clear?" Mika growled.
"Super clear!" said Kurda cheerily.
They went up to their rooms to unpack.
In Mika and Kurda's (well mostly Mika's) room, Mika selected the bed closer to the door, in case he had to make a quick getaway from the Stereotypical Blonde. He organized his stuff in the corner of the room, near his bed, and out of Kurda's view. Kurda immediately whipped out a bottle of Britney Spears perfume. He got one good spray in before Mika flitted over, snatched the perfume, and crushed it into powder with his bare hand. That was the end of that. Mika locked his stuff in his suitcase, slid it under the bed, and ditched Kurda to go hang out with someone -anyone! - else.
He ambled in the direction of Paris and Arrow's room. Just before he opened the door, he heard from inside the room...
"Arrow, do you smell...Britney Spears?"
Mika sniffed his hand, the hand he'd used to crush Kurda's perfume. The stench assaulted his nose, and he spent the next 45 minutes in the shower, with Kurda banging the door and complaining that he needed to use his hair straightener.
Since the Vampire Mountain crew had two full weeks at the resort, they spent the first day unpacking, settling in, and enjoying the restaurant, the vending machines, and (in Kurda's case) the "darling!" little boutiques.
Arrow, Harkat, and Paris were having a great time shoving coins into the slots of the vending machines, punching random buttons, and collecting their prizes when they emerged from the depths of the mysterious and wonderful machine. Mr. Crepsley was keeping himself busy wandering through the village sampling various cups of coffee. So far his favourite was "Gourmet Alpine Cinnasplash", found at a little cafe called Maurice's. Seba did crossword puzzles in the newspaper. Darren skiied, but he was the only one. Mika occupied himself by remaining as far away as possible from Kurda.
In their rooms before going to bed on the first day.
littleD has signed in
Lcreps has signed in
MVLmvp has signed in
Se_Nile has signed in
KissThis4KS has signed in
arrow01 has signed in
ImOld has signed in
littleD says: hey um guys, what did we come here to do again?
Lcreps says: But Darren, we're having fun not skiing!
littleD says: no buts were skiing tomorrow whether u like it or not. we'll meet outside the chalet n ill show u how to put ur skis on. BE THERE. I AM A PRINCE. MY WORD IS LAW.
littleD has signed out
MVLmvp says: paris & arrow, WHAT WERE WE THINKING MAKING THIS KID A PRINCE?
ImOld says: well i did have a bit of wine before we made the decision...
MVLmvp says: DAMMIT PARIS!
Se_Nile says: I'm looking forward to skiing actually.
Lcreps says: Seba! I thought you were on my side...:'(
LuvinMySpiders says : w/e
Lcreps has signed out
KissThis4KS says: oommgg i sooo cant wait 2 try outt my new skis! the colour matches my hat perfectly! it's gonna be soooo funnnnn!
MVLmvp says: go die in a hole you creep
KissThis4KS says: o mikaa u dont have 2 feel jealouss! I understand thatt my success has made u feel kinda emasculated, but we can work thru it buddy!
MVLmvp says: guess whos sleeping in the toilet tonight you ass.
KissThis4KS: OOOWWWWWWWWWWW MIKA THREW A PILLOW AT MEEE!
arrow01 says: LIKE OMG KURDA! what a HORRIBLE guy! mika should be locked up! Let's all shun mika! make mika sleep in the toilet! make him suffer for what he did to you:O THROW IT BACK AT HIM!
MVLmvp says: WOW that one hurt. I think I am emotionally damaged. i just might never recover from that one. i don't know how you can be so cruel. YAWN
KissThis4KS says: well thatss whatt u gett 4 messin wit teh K-MAN!
MVLmvp says: well see ya. and kurda, kindly turn your night light off so i can get some sleep?
KissThis4KS says: buut im scaredd of teh darkk!
MVLmvp says: you call yourself a vampire?
KissThis4KS says: MIKA SMASHEDD MY NIGHT LIGHTT:'( :'( :'( :'(
MVLmvp says: ...hasta la vista baby!
MVLmvp has signed out
The next day...
Everyone had slept all right, even Mika, who had been rudely awakened by Kurda attempting to put gel in his hair. After, Kurda had indeed slept in the bathroom behind a locked door. Harkat didn't need much sleep, so he spent the night at his favourite vending machine, experimenting until he figured out how to get absolutely free candy. But now the moment was finally here: the Vampires were putting their skis on for the first time. Surprisingly, few problems were encountered at this stage. Now onto the chair lift.
"OK. Just wait until the lift is right behind you, then just sit down quickly." Darren instructed. "Harkat, Mr. Crepsley, you come with me."
Harkat and Larten didn't encounter any problems, but as Kurda, Mika and Arrow were waiting for their lift, it appeared to be coming awfully fast, and Kurda didn't like the look of that... He sidestepped, trying to get out of the way, but the lift caught him and dragged him all the way to the large concrete post that held the lift up. He fell off, as Mika and Arrow were almost wetting themselves with laughter. He had better luck next time. No one else had any difficulties, which made Kurda feel extremely embarrassed. Of course, he was also afraid to get off, and ended up going around three times until he was eventually dragged off by two grumpy lift operators. But riding the lift was the easy part. Now came the hard part: going down the hill. After Darren demonstrated the Snowplow and the correct way to stop and turn, he set the gang loose. This time, Kurda wasn't the only one with problems, Seba cruised smack into the forest, Mr. Crepsley attempted to snowplow, but succeeded only in crossing his skis over top of each other. Needless to say, this situation did not end well. Paris tripped over Mr. Crepsley, and flew about 5 feet into the air and crash landed directly in front of Mika, who had to swerve to avoid him. He managed to leave Paris unharmed, but the sharp turn caused him to fly off his snowboard. He landed in a bright orange snow fence and instantly became hopelessly tangled. Kurda squeaked carefully down the hill at approximately point-five mph.
Eventually, everyone arrived at the bottom of the hill in one piece.
"Better than I expected for your first try." said Darren truthfully. "Let's go up again, this time we can try to snowplow less and turn more when we go down."
But all Darren could see were his friend's retreating backs as they returned tiredly to the Chalet.
Darren regretted bringing the damn computer to Vampire Mountain.
Chapter 6: Room Service and Hills of Death
Day three began with Darren running through the hall banging on his friend's doors, disguising his voice and yelling "FREE ROOM SERVICE!" because after yesterday's skiing experience, he doubted they'd open the doors if they knew it was him. Unfortunately, they could see right through it.
In Kurda and Mika's room, Mika was already awake, surfing the internet on his laptop and ignoring Darren.
"Mikaaaaaaaaa! What's room service?" Damn. Kurda had woken up.
"It's food, but that's not room service, that's just Darren being himself."
"I want real room service"
Mika picked up the cordless phone and chucked it at Kurda's head.
Outside, Darren was tired of being ignored, so he bodychecked a door in frustration. It cracked in two. But unfortunately, the people behind the door were complete strangers, staring at Darren in shock.
"Hehe...Room service?" Darren squeaked. Then he ran for his life.
Mr. Crepsley and Seba were just waking up, when their doorknob and lock were ripped off, the door flew open, and Darren raced in and slid under the bed, mumbling something that sounded like "THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!" He poked his head out and stated, "They'll never take me alive!"
"Of course they will not, Darren" said Mr. Crepsley rather boredly. "Now how do you get Room Service?"
"Oh, that's easy. Here, gimme the phone."
Ten minutes later, each were sipping Cinnasplash Coffee straight from the Chalet. Unfortunately, Room Service was not going quite as well in the room across the hall...
Kurda was completely baffled by the phone. At first, he didn't like the way the screen was eerily glowing. Eventually he worked up the courage to press a few buttons. Enjoying the sound it made, he pushed several more. And several more. Suddenly, a voice at the other end said something in Chinese.
"I'd like some Room Service, please." Kurda said confidently.
The voice at the other end said something indecipherable.
"Wanna talk to my best friend Mika?"
The voice gabbled in Chinese again.
"Is that a no? Mika's soooo funny! He always pretends to hate me. Hello? HE HUNG UP!" Kurda sounded betrayed and depressed beyond reason. Then he whined, "Mika, you order room service."
Mika expertly punched a few numbers, then said "BLT. Extra B, easy on the L. And hold the T. Actually, hold the L too. Just gimme lots and lots of B. And an extra large chocolate milk. And throw in a steak. Make it snappy."
"You didn't order anything for me?" Kurda moaned.
"I'm sorry, but I doubt this hotel makes baby food."
Kurda whimpered and flung a pillow at Mika, who took no notice.
After a Room Service breakfast, the gang congregated outside and strapped on their skis for round two. They made it on the four-person-per-chair lift with minimal difficulties. When they arrived at the top, they prepared to go down the green dot hill, but then Harkat spied a cute forest path nearby.
"Let's try...that one."
It looked fairly easy, so they made their way over. At first it was easy going, much easier than the green dot hill. They were even getting more confident on their skis. Mr. Crepsley was going faster than everyone, and was soon in the lead. Then, he darted around the corner and out of view. There was a shrill, terrified scream. As the others turned the corner, they saw why: The cute, flat little forest path suddenly steepened into an almost vertical, mogul-infested, icy double-black-diamond, experts-only monster. And 8 inexperienced Vampires had just been launched right into it. No escape. No turn-offs. Too steep to snowplow, let alone stop. And it was 6 kilometres until flat ground.
Darren regretted installing the damn computer as he whizzed over some moguls, catching huge air. Seba, who was not yet good at steering, got himself launched 10 feet into the air after zooming up an enormous jump. Miraculously he landed without wiping out. Mr. Crepsley attempted to turn, but succeeded only in turning himself backwards. At about 80 mph. Harkat was crouched in a little ball, shooting down the center of the hill in a dead straight line. Arrow was racing Mika. Paris was covering his eyes and screaming. Darren realised that he was speeding straight towards a 20 foot high jump, with a sheer drop on the far side. He cleared the top and felt himself lift off into orbit. He closed his eyes and waited for the end. He heard a smacking sound of skis hitting snow and he heard himself scream. He felt a pain in his knees. Pain? You have to be alive to feel pain, right? He opened his eyes. He was alive! But now was no time to be thankful; a patch of moguls were looming in front of him. He cleared one, two, three, four, five, and he landed. Still alive!
Suddenly the monster hill was welcoming. He soared over jump after jump, losing fear. Mr. Crepsley accompanied him over some of them. Mika was by his side constantly, trying to be faster, to jump higher. Harkat hit the smaller moguls, but got huge air. Darren, Mika, Arrow, and Mr. Crepsley worked the half-pipe, with Harkat, Seba, Paris, and Kurda whizzing down on either side. Then they cleared the half-pipe, and the hill steeped into a near-vertical line. It was over. They wouldn't survive this one, it was damn near convex! He was going down, not going to make it, yelling his good-byes to the others-
And it was over. The ground was flat again. He was lying on it, facedown in the snow. He looked up in time to see Mika crash inches away from him, followed closely by Arrow, Mr. Crepsley, Harkat, Paris, and even Kurda. Every single one had survived the hill without a single wipe out.
"Is anyone alive?" Darren groaned.
"My stomach is back at that first turn." grumbled Mr. Crepsley.
Everyone else was in shock, staring at the sky. Or the ground. Or whoever's coat their face was smashed into.
There was a gasp of horror from Kurda. "I think...I lost...my hairbrush." He looked like he'd seen a ghost, he was that terrified.
And everybody laughed. Not a giggle, or a chuckle, a hard, unrestrained, from-the-gut, shake-your-whole-body kind of laugh. And they were still laughing as Resort Personnel shouted at them to "untangle themselves and get the hell out of the way!"
They'd had enough skiing for the day, but they each knew deep down that tomorrow they wouldn't be so reluctant.
And Darren didn't regret bringing the Computer to Vampire Mountain.
Chapter 7: Le Petit Hnjkfjgkg
After their intense ride down the Evil Hill (as Harkat called it) the Vampire Mountain gang trekked down to a restaurant in the village which they hadn't yet visited. It was called "Le Petit (french word nobody could pronounce or spell)".
Inside the Le Petit hffjfgkgjgj, various rich tourists, couples, and families were enjoying their fancy expensive meals when the door opened (or was kicked open forcefully) to reveal 6 big guys, 1 scraggly boy, and a very short person wearing sunglasses that covered his entire face. The customers of Le Petit jdkjfkjkkvd gave them the "How-dare-you-interrupt-our-insanely-overpriced-petit-dinners" look.
With Mika in the lead, the crew ignored Darren's protests and knocked over the prim "Please Wait to be Seated" sign and plonked their butts down in a long booth with velvet-covered chairs, flicking away the "RESERVED" sign. Sighing, Darren seated himself between Kurda and Harkat. A nervous-looking waiter soon appeared with a cute, small basket of petit bread and an armload of menus. Arrow, Mika, and Harkat each attempted to grab the bread basket, causing a loud scuffle and alarming nearby customers.
Trying to remain calm, the petit waiter inquired "May I bring you some beverages?"
"BLOOD!" yelled everyone but Harkat and Darren.
The waiter looked shocked and terrified.
"What they mean is beer." Darren intervened. "We call beer blood..it's our..um..insider joke. And I want chocolate milk." he finished lamely.
The waiter nervously wrote that down, then asked Harkat what he wanted to drink.
"Some 1981 vintage Merlot..please."
The waiter scurried away with their order. Kurda picked up the menu and flicked through.
"Miiiikaaaaaaaaaa! I don't know what any of this stuff is!"
"Kurda, you asswipe, it's all-" He picked up his own menu. "-What the HELL is carpaccio?
"It's...' Darren examined the menu. "Seared elk sprinkled with -I can't pronounce that- cheese and basted with mushroom broth."
"EWWY GOOEY!" Kurda commented.
"I do not see anything on this menu that is not coated in various forms of vegetables." added Mr. Crepsley.
"Screw this joint..where's the nearest..McDonalds?" Harkat grumbled.
At that moment, Le Petit Waiter made his return. No one had chosen anything to eat, but Darren had an idea, as usual.
"Three extra large pizzas, EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA pepperoni, bacon, and sausage. No vegetables or cheese."
Le Petit frowned but wrote down their order and left.
Ordering was the easy part. Now came the excruciating part - waiting.
"Daaaaaaarren! What's pizza" said a certain Stereotypical Blonde.
"It's food."
"Oh, OK." said Kurda contentedly, and he went back to braiding a strand of hair.
Several moments later, Mika yelped and flinched.
"Mika, if you have to go to the bathroom, just say so." Darren informed him.
"It's not that." Mika grunted. "Kurda's hair just touched my face."
"There are..therapeutic groups..that can help you..recover." Harkat said kindly
Mika grimaced. "I think I can feel bacteria on my face."
"Might wanna see what ingredients are in that stylin' crap he uses. You might need radiation or something to stop the infection from spreading." Arrow noted wisely.
"They're bullying meeeeee!" Kurda complained to no one in particular, even though he had no idea what the hell Arrow was talking about.
Where was the damn pizza?
10 minutes later, everyone had lapsed into a boredom-induced near-comatose state. Mika, Arrow, and Harkat were having a Vortex tournament on their iPods. Kurda had hijacked some crayons and a childrens menu and was drawing flowers and butterflies. Paris was making a virtual tour of the restaurant on his video camera and pausing to interview random people, most of whom ignored him. Mr. Crepsley and Seba were enjoying their beer. Suddenly..
"PIZZA'S HERE!"
Without even pausing to look at the meat-loaded pizza, the Vampire gang scarfed down the pizza, pausing only to belch loudly, then congratulate each other. Darren wanted to shrivel up and blow away from embarrassment. Why, oh why had he brought the computer into Vampire Mountain?
"Bill please!" Darren squeaked as the waiter tiptoed by.
"Bill?" Kurda inquired.
"We have to pay for the food, you dumbass."
Everyone looked up in horror.
"Pay for the food? What kind of sick animals are these humans?" Mika snorted.
"I REFUSE TO SUPPORT THIS ABOMINATION!" Seba shrieked.
"Why should we pay for what keeps us alive?" Mr. Crepsley added philosophically.
Now everyone in Le Petit gnjnvcgkgkbs was staring at the Vampires.
"Why don't we just like..leave?" was perhaps the most intelligent thing Kurda had ever said.
"Yeeeah. Mission Impossible style!" Darren added. "Anyone see any waiters?"
"Nope, I think they're all hiding."
"Wimps."
"Cowards!"
"PANSIES!"
"Alrighty then. We go. But if anyone sees a waiter, stop, drop, and make like a penguin towards the door." Darren instructed.
The gang began to creep out of their booth one by one. Then -EEK- a waiter appeared out of the kitchen. The Vampires immediately dropped and rolled behind the tables towards the door. Lying at the foot of the door, Darren reached up, turned the fancy petit handle, and unleashed the 8 creatures of the night.
The Vampires ran for their lives through the cute resort village, causing tourists to scatter for fear of their safety. The waiters bellowed after them in furious French, only causing them to run faster.
"Slow down!" Kurda begged. "I wanna window-shop!"
"Window-shop this, Barbie!" Arrow grumbled, knocking Kurda down like he'd done in the mad dash through the airport.
The gang made a sharp turn down a dark, deserted alley where the collapsed panting into the snow.
"Woo..hoo.." wheezed Harkat.
"What a rush.." Mika commented breathlessly.
"Hey, Kurda, why aren't you whining about how the sweat is clogging your pores?" Darren asked, then he noticed that the group was minus a certain stereotypical blond.
"We lost Kurda?" Mika exclaimed, not bothering to hide his joy.
"Unfortunately, we're going to have to find him, or he'll sulk and do the Britney Spears pout."
The only thing worse than a not-shutting-up Kurda was a pouty Kurda. Especially if he's been re-watching Britney videos and practicing in the mirror..
Let's just go to the candy store to buy some chips so we can go back to our rooms and watch movies. Kurda is better off lost!" Arrow argued.
"Speaking of lost.. .where the hell are we?" Seba added.
"Well, Le Petit Whatever is over there," (Darren pointed vaguely) "Or kinda over there.." (Pointed in the opposite direction.) "The chalet is somewhere over there..And I think we must have turned right at the rental shop..or was it left?.I think I can smell beaver tails coming from that direction..so the candy store should be over there too..but then again, there must be at least 10 beavertail cafes here..I have no idea where we are!" he concluded.
"Let's. ..phone Kurda." Harkat contributed grudgingly. "Maybe he's had.. .the sense not to… get lost."
"That nutcase has been lost ever since birth." Mika scoffed. "He still sleeps with a night light! We should vote him out of Vampire Mountain as soon as we get home."
Paris smiled. "Mika, deep down, way down, I know you see Kurda as a friend. We've all been through so much together, there will be no voting others off Vampire Mountain. Whatever that means."
Mika stared long and hard at Paris. "I guess you haven't seen American Idol, huh?"
"Phone Kurda." Paris instructed threateningly.
Mika gave Paris the evilest eyes and miserably dialed Kurda's number on his sleek black cell phone.
"Hey freak..What? No, that was Arrow who knocked you over. But only because he beat me to it-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE LOST? Ok..where are you? No dumbass, I mean what stores are you near? The Dollhouse? No, I don't know where that one is..YOU CAN BUY A FUSCHIA THONG LATER! What? Kurda? HE HUNG UP! Oh, and Arrow, brace yourself for the Silent Treatment for the next few days."
Facepalms from Larten, Darren, Seba, Paris and Arrow.
"I'll try.." said Harkat, ever patient, taking out his lime green phone. "Hello.. .Kurda? It's Harkat. ..Mika said to… apologize, and that you can..buy as many… fuschia things as you want..What's that? Oh, thongs, not things..I'm sorry..Could you tell us where The.. .Dollhouse is? Thanks! See you… soon! "Toodles" to you too.." Harkat clicked the phone shut. "He's right next… to the giant clock!" He added triumphantly.
Darren hopped onto Larten's back and Harkat piggybacked on Mika and they flitted over to the Giant Clock, and -gasps of horror- The Dollhouse.
The Dollhouse was black, pink, and lime green monster with flashing neon lights and underdressed cashiers and customers. The Vampires plus Harkat congregated outside and tried to decide who they would send into the Hell House.
"I think Mika should go in." Said Harkat.
"Make me!"
"Harkat can't "make you," but I, as your senior Prince, most certainly can!" said Paris. "You can walk in, or we can push you in. It's your choice. Besides, you owe Kurda an apology."
"I hate you all." Mika glared, but stepped into the store. Then he yelled, "KURDA! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"
The Stereotypical Blond came hurrying over, clutching a tiny pink shopping bag, with several cashiers scurrying after him.
"I have to leave you now, my darlings." Kurda sighed.
And the Vampire Gang retreated to their rooms (pausing only to buy chips) feeling that they'd done enough damage for one night.
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