1For whatever reason I have no memory of writing this, but here's the second installment of The Vampire Files.
Also the entire first segment is literally a written description of a picture slideshow, I don't know why I did that but we're leaving it in for nostalgia. Just scroll through if you want to get right to the "plot"
Title: TVF2: Larten Crepsley, Father of the Bride
Category: Books ยป Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak
Author: roxypony
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Humor/Friendship
Published: 08-02-08, Updated: 12-10-09
Chapters: 15, Words: 23,757
Chapter 1: Paris's Present
"GUESS WHAT!" Paris Skyle hollered as he came speeding into the living room where Darren Shan, Harkat Mulds, Mika Ver Leth, Arrow, Seba Nile, Kurda Smahlt and Larten Crepsley were sitting and watching Family Guy.
"You're moving out?"
"You lost your false teeth?"
"You lost your meds?"
"You won a year's-supply of Bed Head hair products?"
"You found... Nemo?"
"I'm done with the slideshow!" Paris yelled delightedly.
"Slideshow... ?"
"Skiing pictures?" Paris was obviously disappointed that his friends didn't share his exuberance.
"Is that what you took so many pictures for?" Mr. Crepsley inquired.
"Yep, but some of the videos are Darren's. And the last few are from Arrow's camera."
Everyone remembered all too well the grumpy traveller who'd smashed Paris's camera during a forced interview, forcing him to borrow Arrow's.
Paris continued: "Remember all the memories? All the laughs we shared? Don't you remember any of it?"
"Of course... It was... only last week!" Harkat consoled.
"I've repressed it already." Mika grumbled.
"Just play the thing." Darren suggested.
After almost half an hour of fiddling around with the laptop and the movie projector, Paris jumped back triumphantly and pressed PLAY. Rascal Flatts "Life Is A Highway" began to play.
"You couldn't have picked a cheesier song!" Mika groaned.
Despite Mika's disgust, the slideshow began. The title appeared onscreen: "Winter Vacation 08, Golden Horseshoe Ski Resort." and the pictures started flashing by:
- A title card: "DAY 1: ROAD TRIP!"
- Paris grinning as he tossed a sock into his suitcase.
- The group waiting sleepily in the living room with their luggage.
- Seba sleeping on his many suitcases.
- Mika giving the finger.
- Arrow glaring at the camera as he listened to his iPod.
- Kurda pursing his lips and giving the 3-finger "I Love You" sign.
- Darren standing in the hallway with Harkat piggybacking on his shoulders, both grinning and holding ski poles.
- Mr. Crepsley with his mouth open, looking like he'd been scolding as the picture was taken.
- Harkat standing in the fridge, flinging food into his open suitcase.
- A close-up of Seba sleeping, with his mouth wide open.
- Mika and Arrow flicking dead spiders at Kurda who was busy combing his hair.
- Darren standing in the doorway with his mouth open in a silent scream as a horde of Vampires and a Little Person stampeded past him.
- The gang standing in the snow arguing.
- Mika holding up both middle fingers at Darren.
- Arrow pushing Kurda aside.
Then a video clip filmed by Darren:
The guys jumped on each other viciously. For almost 10 minutes, no one was winning, then Seba had a mild heart attack, and he collapsed dragging Kurda down with him, who squealed and grabbed Paris's pants in an effort to stay on his feet. It didn't keep him standing, but everyone got a good view of Paris's... well you know what I mean. Mr. Creplsey screamed, covered his eyes, and ran directly into a tree, thus knocking himself down. Now only Mika, Arrow, and Harkat remained on their feet. Ignoring Harkat, Mika lunged at Arrow, who bodychecked him. Mika collapsed painfully, while Arrow did a victory dance. That is, until Harkat grabbed his legs and tipped him over. (from The Vampire Files: Vampires On Vacation, chapter 5: Road Trippin)
- Harkat holding up his fists triumphantly.
- Kurda straining to lift his baby blue Prada suitcase into the back of the van.
- Mika grabbing the bag and flinging it in.
- A title card: "ADVENTURES IN THE BACK OF THE UPS VAN"still with "Life is a Highway."
- Everyone but Darren, Harkat, and Paris crammed uncomfortably into the back of the van.
- Seba screaming furiously.
- Arrow covering his face with his laptop screen.
- A hand, presumably Mika's, partly covering the camera lens.
- Mr. Crepsley looking with disgust at something on the floor, presumably someone else's saliva.
- The view through the back window of Darren and Harkat's heads, with Harkat pointing at the Gas station up ahead.
- A video clip filmed by Darren:
Even before they stopped, Mika, Kurda, Larten, Paris, Arrow, and Seba piled out of the truck and stampeded into the gas station. As the cashier watched the Vampires kill each other for the only bathroom, Harkat crept in and made off with an unpacked box of assorted candy. (The Vampire Files: Vampires On Vacation, chapter 4: Road Trippin.)
- Harkat carrying his box back to the van.
- Seba picking up a bag of chips and eyeing it suspiciously.
- Mika and Arrow chugging gatorade.
- Then pouring it on Kurda.
- Seba wearing an empty chip bag on his head, with Mr. Crepsley and Paris smirking in the background.
- A number of dark blurs resembling suitcases flying through the air as the van made an illegal U-Turn to get to the Airport turn off.
- Mika, Arrow, Larten, Kurda, Seba and a huge amount of miscellaneous luggage items flung roughly against the side of the van.
- Mika giving the finger from beneath a pile of heavy looking suitcases, including a baby-blue Prada one.
- An extreme close-up of Seba, whose eye seemed to be twitching as the picture was taken.
- An extreme close-up of the back of someone's throat, quite possibly Seba's.
- A window shot of the nearing Airport.
- A closer version of the Airport.
- Kurda giving the thumbs-up.
- A rare shot of Mika smiling.
- Arrow pushing Kurda aside to peer out the tiny window in the back door.
- A title card: "AT THE AIRPORT" and a new song, "Me And My Gang" by Rascal Flatts began to play, causing Mika to complain about having two country songs in one slideshow.
- The back door opening a crack.
- The back door being forced open by Arrow and Mika.
- Arrow and Mika standing outside holding their bags, waiting impatiently for the others.
- Mr. Crepsley stepping lightly out of the van.
- Seba tumbling out of the van
- And landing flat on the pavement.
- With his suitcases falling on top of him.
- The view from the back as the gang proceeded to stampede towards the doors of the Airport.
- A similar view, but this time with Harkat lying on the ground, accidentally tripped by Kurda's suitcase.
- Darren helping Harkat up.
- A video clip of Seba spinning wildly in the revolving doors with the gang standing on the other side, laughing their asses off as Seba screamed furiously and spun faster and faster, until Mika and Arrow eventually stopped the thing.
- A shot of the extremely busy airport.
- Another
- And another.
- And another, this time with the top of Harkat's head in the shot.
- Darren looking around nervously.
- Mr. Crepsley lecturing.
- Seba complaining.
- A picture Paris had taken of himself, frowning comically.
- Mika and Arrow grumbling.
- Harkat holding Darren's hand, smiling loyally.
- Kurda staring at a rack of designer watches longingly.
- A sound clip: "Attention all passengers, Flight 147 to Quebec is now boarding. Repeat, flight 147 to Quebec is boarding at gate 27." somebody swearing, and Darren yelling "RUN!"
- The gang running chaotically.
- Another.
- A blurry shot of the floor, and somebody's foot.
- A slightly blurry shot of Harkat arriving on the golf cart.
- Darren looking desperate and terrified thinking it was security guards.
- Darren realising who it was, and grinning.
- The gang piled into the cart.
- A close-up of Larten's face as he rode on the roof, which Paris had taken from within the cart.
- Harkat driving intensely.
- Seba complaining again.
- Darren grinning with disbelief again.
- Mika and Arrow with an arm around each other's shoulders, giving the thumbs up.
- A second shot of them, this time with Kurda's head between theirs.
- A group of bystanders staring in shock as the group zoomed by.
- A close up of a sign that read GATE 27.
- Darren pointing at it.
- Harkat swerving professionally.
- Mr. Crepsley falling off the roof as the cart jerked to a stop.
- A blurry shot of the hall that led to the plane.
- A blurry shot of the open door in the side of the plane.
- A blurry shot of the inside of the plane.
- A blurry shot of an alarmed-looking flight attendant.
- Harkat eating a large coffee crisp bar happily.
- Darren giving the thumbs up.
- Mika and Arrow watching a movie on Arrow's iPod.
- Seba sleeping and drooling.
- A video taken as the plane took off:
The scenery outside the tiny windows began to move.
"Why's it moving?" Kurda asked in alarm.
"How did you think we're supposed to get there?" Mika asked incredulously.
"It's going too fast!" Kurda wailed, covering his eyes. (With Seba hollering in the background all the while.)
"It's supposed to, how else would we get into the air?"
"WE HAVE TO FLY?" Kurda was having a full-on panic attack now.
"Yeah... " Mika said unsympathetically.
"I hate flying!" Kurda put on his D&G hat and pulled it down over his eyes.
Mika sighed, and put his hand on the blonde's shoulder (shuddering slightly as he did so).
"Seriously, Kurda, we're perfectly safe. I won't let anything happen to you." he mumbled.
"I don't get it, that almost sounded nice?" said Kurda, peeking out from beneath his stylish hat.
"I just want you to shut up so we don't attract attention." Mika explained.
As the plane reached maximum height, Kurda leaned back in his seat, and for a moment it looked like he'd be OK, then he grabbed his air sickness bag and-
The video ended, and the pictures resumed.
- A title card: "The Resort" and a new song, "Celebrate Good Times" by Kool and the Gang.
"I was wrong, you DID pick a cheesier song!" Mika moaned.
"What happened to... the pictures... from the rest of the plane ride?" Harkat asked.
"My camera died."
"But you were taking pictures the whole way!"
"I hadn't noticed my camera was dead."
The slideshow resumed (after Paris charged his camera batteries in the hotel room):
- Paris's hotel room, complete with a mocha-maker.
- Arrow lying in bed, covering giving the finger as Paris took his picture.
- Darren and Harkat standing sleepily in the doorway of their room, glaring and wearing pajamas.
- Kurda and Mika in their doorway, Mika glaring in his black PJs and Kurda posing in his pink silk robe.
- Seba and Larten standing in the doorway, Seba with his mouth open in complaint (or a yawn?), and Larten making the "go away" gesture with his hand.
- Darren sneaking up behind Larten with a mischievous grin on his face.
-Larten looking around wondering why everybody looks at him.(or at Darren sneaking up behind him)
-Darren jumping on Lartens back, clinging tight and doing the v-sign while smiling wide into the camera.
- A brief video clip of Larten falling under Darrens weight. (to Titanic theme music.)
-Mika trying to push Kurda holding a hairbrush out of their room.
-Harkat chewing what seems to be a bar of soap.
-Kurda screaming and searching for something
-Larten pointing at Harkat (still chewing the soap)
-Kurda falling into tears.
-Close up a bit of chewed, pink soap.
-Strange view of Seba's room, seems to be taken from up the wardrobe.
- Larten sleepily staring at the newspaper.
-Larten throwing the newspaper away with an annoyed face.
-Arrow listening to his iPod with closed eyes, Darren sleeping with his head on Arrow's lap.
"I DON'T REMEMBER THAT!" Arrow interrupted.
"You were asleep." Darren grinned. The slideshow continued:
-Kurda in a nightdress and head in a towel, walking in the corridor.
- A title card: "ACTUALLY SKIING" and a new song, "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven.
- Seba struggling with his skiing goggles
-The gang outside the hotel fully ski-dressed in rainbow colors (Seba red, Larten red, Darren yellow, Harkat green, Arrow blue, Paris purple, Kurda pink, Mika black)
-Harkat's skis sticking up from the snow.
-Kurda brushing snow from his hair.
-Mika burying Kurda in snow.
- Seba and Larten, trying to get their skis on.
- A video clip: As Kurda, Mika and Arrow were waiting for their lift, it appeared to be coming awfully fast, and Kurda didn't like the look of that... He sidestepped, trying to get out of the way, but the lift caught him and dragged him all the way to the large concrete post that held the lift up. He fell off, as Mika and Arrow were almost wetting themselves with laughter. (from Vampires On Vacation chapter 5: Vending Machines)
- Kurda, Arrow, and Mika sitting on the lift, Kurda wearing the poutiest face ever.
- Harkat standing at the top of the hill, pointing down.
- A video clip of Seba crashing into the forest.
- crash-landing with his skis crossed.
- Mika parting ways with his snowboard as he twisted to avoid a fallen skier.
- Mika tangled in the bright orange snow fence.
- Darren banging his head against his ski pole miserably.
- Harkat scooting over a small mogul wearing a huge grin.
- Arrow standing boredly, watching the proceedings.
- Larten and Seba in a tangled heap.
- The view of the bottom of Mika's snowboard as he jumped over the fallen Paris.
- A blurry shot of something white, presumably snow.
- Kurda lying face-down in the snow.
- Mika and Arrow jumping over him.
- Darren and Harkat gliding down the hill, side by side.
- A similar picture, this time including Larten.
- A group shot of everyone standing by a billboard showing a massive map of the resort. Darren and Harkat looking happy, Mika looking annoyed, Arrow looking bored, Kurda looking stylish, Seba looking grumpy, Larten looking politely frazzled, and Paris with his mouth wide open, yelling at the photographer how to operate the camera.
-Mr. Crepsley trying to get out of the snow after his crash
-Darren smiling into the camera
-Darren falling down.
-Harkat pointing at a sign leading into the forest
-Vampires skiing down the path
- A shaky video clip:
Darren whizzed over some moguls, catching huge air. Seba, who was not yet good at steering, got himself launched 10 feet into the air after zooming up an enormous jump. Miraculously he landed without wiping out. Nearby, Mika was effortlessly and sexily riding every jump he could get at. Mr. Crepsley attempted to turn, but succeeded only in turning himself backwards. At about 80 mph. Harkat was crouched in a little ball, shooting down the center of the hill in a dead straight line. Arrow was racing Mika. Paris, pointing the camera at himself, was covering his eyes and screaming. Darren realised that he was speeding straight towards a 20 foot high jump, with a sheer drop on the far side. He cleared the top and felt himself lift off into orbit. He closed his eyes and waited for the end. He heard a smacking sound of skis hitting snow and he heard himself scream. He felt a pain in his knees. Pain? You have to be alive to feel pain, right? He opened his eyes. He was alive! But now was no time to be thankful; a patch of moguls were looming in front of him. He cleared one, two, three, four, five, and he landed. Still alive! Suddenly the monster hill was welcoming. He soared over jump after jump, losing fear. Mr. Crepsley accompanied him over some of them. Mika was by his side constantly, trying to be faster, to jump higher. Harkat hit the smaller moguls, but got huge air. Darren, Mika, Arrow, and Mr. Crepsley worked the half-pipe, with Harkat, Seba, Paris, and Kurda whizzing down on either side. Then they cleared the half-pipe, and the hill steeped into a near-vertical line. It was over. They wouldn't survive this one, it was damn near convex! He was going down, not going to make it, yelling his good-byes to the others-
CRASH. And it was over. The ground was flat again. He was lying on it, facedown in the snow. He looked up in time to see Mika crash inches away from him, followed closely by Arrow, Mr. Crepsley, Harkat, Paris, and even Kurda. Every single one had survived the hill without a single wipe out. (From Vampires On Vacation, chapter 6: Room Service)
-Mika trying to shake Kurda off of him.
-Arrow with a confused look, holding up a hairbrush while sitting in the snow.
-Arrow quickly throwing the brush as far as he can.
-Darren saying something to Larten with a big smile on his face.
-Larten pushing Darrens head down into the snow
-Harkat sticking his head out of the snow, waving at the camera
-The gang slowly getting up the hill again, leaving a disappointed Darren behind.
-Mr. Crepsley drinking hot coffee from a plastic cup
-Kurda hugging Arrow
-Arrow smashing Kurda with his skis
-View of the hill down
- A video clip of Mika sitting in the snow, eating a cookie, with Kurda's voice in the background screaming, "THAT'S MINE!"
- Another videoclip: Kurda had gone off the track and was blazing a new trail- right through the woods... towards a river.
"Kurda, turn!" Darren instructed. But Kurda couldn't turn, if he did, he'd hit a tree. He couldn't stop, either. The river was getting closer and closer. Kurda was as good as dead from hypothermia. Suddenly, just as he was about to leave dry land, a big black blur intercepted his path and knocked him over, effectively stopping him from entering the river. The two of them lay face down in the snow for a moment, then Kurda looked up at his saviour... (From Vampires On Vacation, chapter 8, the Valley of Doom)
- A shocked moose staring at the vampires skiing by
-The little chalet on the bottom of the valley
-Zooming in, snow everywhere, deserted chairlift, no light
-Close up on Harkat's ski mask
-Window with Harkat-sized hole in it
-Close up on a pillow
-A freezer filled with food
-Darren, Mika, Kurda and Arrow, standing next to a bunch of buttons, switches and wires, dripping wet from the fire alarm sprinklers
-Darren pointing poutily at the wires
-Zoom in on a dial marked 'heat control
-Back to a pouting Darren
-Harkat attacking a packet of nachos
-Mika sorting out the only black blankets from the cupboards
-The cafeteria, slumber party style
-Darren staring at a picture of a turtle
-A moose standing outside the window, looking lonely
-Harkat going out to the moose to comfort it
-Harkat on the back of the moose, waving to the others
-Kurda and Seba building a tower of rice krispie squares
-Mika 'accidently' knocking it down
-Arrow sharpening his sword and saying something to a screaming Seba who is pointing at the ice-machine with a wild look in his eyes
-Close up on what seems to be Mr. Crepsley's ear
-Zooming in
-Zooming in...
-Larten not able to read the 'push' sign on the door and trying to pull it open
-Arrow helping too, followed by Mika
-Harkat pointing at the 'push' sign and Larten looking pissed off
-Seven hands and one camera in the air ("How the hell did you take that picture, Paris?")
-Kurda trying to style Mr. Crepsley's hair without him noticing
-Mr. Crepsley running to the bathroom screaming
-Everyone sleeping, except Kurda staring at Mika's hair, his fingers twitching.
- Mika and Arrow each chugging a bottle of Gatorade.
- Arrow holding an empty bottle triumphantly and Mika frowning and holding an almost-empty one.
- Arrow and Harkat glaring intensely at each other.
- Arrow and Harkat chugging their gatorade.
- Harkat grinning and hugging an empty bottle, while Arrow stared in awe, holding his own half-full bottle.
- Harkat passionately holding a bottle of Gatorade in each hand, and wearing a medal (made of a Gatorade bottle cap taped to a string) with a subtitle that read "HARKAT OF THE GATORADE".
- A video of the floor, and Paris's voice screaming, "MY CAMERA'S ABOUT TO DIE AND I DON'T HAVE MY CHARGER WITH ME! DOES ANYONE HAVE A CAMERA I CAN USE-", a beeeeep, and blackness.
- A title card: "FINALLY BACK AT THE HOTEL". and a new song, Avril Lavigne's "Innocence."
- Larten lying tiredly on the couch, smiling.
- the open fridge, with Harkat silhouetted in its light.
- Seba staring at the TV, mouth open in complaint.
- Darren sleeping in a kitchen chair, still wearing his ski clothes, seeming to have fallen asleep the moment he walked through the door.
- Larten gently removing Darren's coat and ski boots, trying not to wake his student up.
- Seba asleep in a chair with his mouth wide open, and Harkat peering in.
- Mika lying face-down on the floor, apparently trying to sleep, with Kurda reaching for his hair.
- Mika, apparently woken up, reaching for Kurda's throat.
- Arrow looking peacefully out the window at the mountains, holding an old-looking photo of a woman.
Darren interrupted the slideshow by saying loudly, "Who's that in the picture, Arrow?" Arrow mumbled something. Paris looked sympathetic, and turned the volume of the music up to distract Darren.
"Is it almost over?" Mika wanted to know.
"I worked hard on this!" Paris protested.
Again the slideshow resumed:
- Kurda straightening his hair.
- Mika unplugging the straightener.
- Mika shoving Kurda out of the bathroom.
- Darren, awake, staring sleepily into a bag of chips.
- Fallen asleep again with his head in the bag.
- Larten and Seba sleeping on the bed, Larten on top of the covers, face-down with his feet on the pillow, and Seba completely covered by blankets, with his arm dangling out the side.
- The same scene, this time including Harkat in the middle, holding a half-full bottle of Gatorade.
- Kurda watching a Pussycat Dolls music video on TV.
- Mika ripping the remote from Kurda and changing the channel to Extreme Snowboarding.
- Mika and Kurda playing tug-of-war with the poor remote.
- Darren snatching the remote and changing the channel to Family Guy to keep everyone happy.
- A title card: "PARTY TIME!" and new music, "Ice Ice Baby".
- The TV screen: "AMERICAN IDOL"
- Kurda holding pom-poms with his mouth wide open in cheer.
- Mika with his hands over his eyes.
- David Archuleta singing on the TV in the background, and someone's hand giving him the finger in the foreground.
- Harkat ignoring the TV and concentrating only on his bag of chips.
- Mika and Arrow shaking pop bottles.
- Mika and Arrow holding the bottles as their contents flew everywhere.
- Darren trying (and failing) to catch it in his mouth.
- Harkat chugging orange Gatorade.
- Kurda trying to remove bubblegum from his hair.
- Larten and Seba each holding a cup of coffee, Larten looking happy and Seba looking suspicious.
- Darren sleeping on the table.
- Mika, Arrow, and Harkat splayed out on the couch.
- Mr. Crepsley lying facedown on one bed with a pop bottle still in his hand.
- Seba reclining on the other bed.
- Paris lying comfortably on the floor near the TV. (photo by Darren)
- Kurda curled up in an armchair, with a brush and mirror in his hands.
- Darren curled up on the table.
- A title card: "GOING HOME" and new music, The Backstreet Boys "Larger Than Life".
("I don't like this song... " Mika mumbled.)
- A close-up of Mr. Crepslry's cell phone, bearing Madam Octa's text message announcement.
- Darren, Harkat, Seba, and Larten grinning.
- Mika, Kurda, and Arrow glaring.
- The back of the Escalade, packed with luggage.
- Mika sitting in the front passenger seat, and Darren behind the wheel.
- A brief video clip: Mountain scenery flashing by, with the gang complaining, singing, yelling, and munching in the background, then the camera turned away from the window
("What is that thing?")
"HOLY SHIT, IT'S KURDA'S ASS!" Paris screeched into the camera.
Then the camera seemed to have been thrown, and with a muffled thump, everything went black.
("Paris, I want to know why the hell you put that in the slideshow?")
- Another video clip: Paris's voice, "..Hey, I finally got the camera working!" Mika's voice "Damn." and a window view of the airport, and Paris's voice again, "CRAP, IT'S TURNING OFF!" then just static.
- Kurda wearing pink crystal-encrusted sunglasses.
- Mika and Arrow wearing black mission-impossible style sunglasses.
- Larten wearing army pilot-style sunglasses.
- Seba wearing upside-down sunglasses.
- Harkat grinning and sitting in an airport golf cart with an I.D. tag.
- Everyone piling into the cart (again).
- Annoyed bystanders as the cart zoomed by.
- A close-up of a sign reading "Gate 18."
- A video interview:
A close-up of a grumpy looking tourist's face.
Paris: Hi there!
Man: Who the hell are you?
Paris: Which metal flying thinger are you getting on today?
Man: Get that camera out of my face!
Paris: What's your-HEY! There's no need to get violent-
SMASH. Static.
- A video clip:
Paris: Thanks for the camera, Arrow!
Arrow: If you break my camera, I'll break your nose (Gives Paris the finger.)
- Seba stretched out on the seats, sleeping.
- Mika listening to his iPod.
- Kurda listening to his iPod with his mouth wide open in song.
- Seba holding a humongous cup of Starbucks coffee.
- A video clip: A blurry view of the ground, with Paris yelling at Darren, and Harkat saying something calming, and Darren defending himself, then suddenly yelling, "SHUT UP!" and an announcement saying "Attention passengers of flight 147, departing from gate 18. We regret to inform you that your flight has been cancelled due to unexpected engine problems. Please accept our apologies as we work to fix this problem." followed by load swearing from the Vampires.
- A title card: "ON THE WAY HOME- AGAIN" with new music, Chamillionaire's "Ridin Dirty"
("Hey! Where's the pictures from me parking that stupid car?" Darren complained. "That was hard!"
"The camera was dead!" Paris protested.
"And in the hotel?"
"I was sleeping!"
The slideshow resumed:)
- Kurda sticking his head out the window.
- Mika, with Harkat on his shoulders, standing on the seat and sticking out of the sunroof.
- Darren grinning and singing to the radio.
- Harkat also singing.
- Someone in another car giving them the finger.
- Seba holding a mug of coffee protectively.
- Larten looking at him in exasperation.
- Kurda stretching, and Mika leaning away from him.
- Mika and Arrow pretending to play electric guitars.
- Harkat joyfully flinging gummy bears into the air.
- The gang standing wearily in front of the airport, posing for one last group shot.
- The gang standing at the entrance to... Vampire Mountain?
- A title card: "THE END. CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR!"
"Paris! You missed the entire trip home!" Darren yelled indignantly.
"I'd been taking pictures for the whole thing! I wanted to sit back and relax for once." Paris corrected him politely.
"That was... a good slideshow!" Harkat smiled.
"It was totally sweet!" Kurda added.
"A lot of the music sucked." Mika commented.
"Stupid fancy technology! The whole thing was an abomination!" Seba growled.
"I rather liked it." said Larten.
"It was awesome, Paris." Darren grinned. "Thanks for doing it."
"Can we watch it again?" Kurda asked.
So they did.
Chapter 2: Feathery Wreaths and Power Tools
What kind of sound does a Vampire make when a giant spider sneaks up behind him dragging a massive piece of paper? If you guessed "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" you'd be quite correct. At least you would if the Vampire in question was named Kurda Smahlt.
"Goodness, Kurda!" exclaimed Larten Crepsley, hurrying forward and snatching the spider out of harm's way. "You cannot step on her before her big day! Now what do you have first on your list, Madam Octa?"
Madam Octa pointed to the first item on the incredibly long list of details that needed to be planned for her wedding. Mr. Crepsley turned to the other Vampires.
"She is open to suggestions on where the wedding should be held." he announced.
"The Hall of Death?" Mika mumbled, earning him an annoyed look from Larten and a hungry look from Madam Octa.
"Like... outside?" Kurda added. "That's like, really "in" this year, I've heard... "
"How about the Hall of Princes?" Paris Skyles suggested kindly.
Mika and Arrow looked revolted beyond belief, but Madam Octa was nodding, so no one dared to disagree.
When the bride-to-be had crawled away with her fiance, the Vampires were left with the Task List. (Insert scary music.) Darren spent several minutes scribbling on a piece of paper before taping it to the wall.
"How DARE you waste our supply of tape on this abomination!?" Seba wailed.
"We have... lots more, Seba... look!" said Harkat gently, holding up a box of rolls on rolls of tape. Someone had obviously stocked up. Seba hyperventilated a sigh of relief.
"Just do not waste it!" he grumbled to no one in particular.
"Anyway" said Darren, pointing at the list. "I've assigned everyone a job!"
Mika groaned. Kurda cheered, not knowing what the heck Darren was talking about.
THIS WEEK:
1: Pick Theme
2: Decorate Hall of Princes
3: Make dress
4: Guest list
5: Buy/wrap/organize gifts
NEXT WEEK:
6: Prepare food
7: Select music
8: Set up dance floor/strobe lights
"Wait, when the hell is this wedding?" Arrow asked.
"In two weeks." Larten answered calmly. "That's what Madam Octa wishes."
"Two weeks? Weddings take at least a year to plan!" the bald Vampire exclaimed. When everyone looked at him in alarm, he muttered bitterly "Trust me, I've been there." Nobody pushed the issue any farther than that.
"So, we've got two weeks to plan something that takes a year." said Darren cheerfully. "Can we do it?"
Mostly everyone said a passionate "No", but Darren didn't let that wipe the smile off his face. He was going to plan a wedding that would make Mr. Crepsley proud!
"I'm with you... Darren!" Harkat grinned. "Let's keep... Madam Octa happy!"
Darren had had an exhausting day attempting to decorate (but why the Hall had to be decorated two weeks in advance was a mystery to most.). It had went a little something like this: After picking the theme ("Sparkles", much to Kurda's delight) Madam Octa selected her wedding party: her Maid of Honour would be Seba, her Flower Girl would be Kurda, her Ring Bearer would be Darren, Larten would give her away, and her other bridesmaids were Mika, Arrow, and Paris, and lastly, Harkat filled the grand role of Minister.
Kurda had said (unsurprisingly): "Why can't I be Minister? They need someone attractive to stand on the thingy and say the stuff!
"I can just hear you marrying them, Kurda... "K, so I like, pronounce you and you to be, like, hooked! Now who wants to see me naked?" Arrow teased. Mika laughed and hi-fived Arrow. This made Kurda upset, so he kicked the wall, causing a huge painting of some old Vampire Princes to fall on Seba's head. Predictably, Seba screamed that the sky was falling and went to hide beneath Paris's throne. Unfortunately, he didn't quite fit, the throne tipped over on his attempts to crawl beneath. Someone had wisely laid a can of sparkly purple paint on the seat, which now covered Paris's throne. Kurda wanted to know why he couldn't have a sparkly throne, too. Mika pointed out that he didn't even have a throne, so Kurda decided to make one, turning half the Hall into his private construction site. Too bad he had no idea how to work power tools...
But that was only one problem.
Larten and Darren leaned a ridiculously huge ladder (100 feet, bought off eBay) against the wall to hang up some white feathery glitter wreaths. Turns out Darren was absolutely terrified at climbing to the top, so Larten volunteered. As he was hanging the first of the 50 wreaths, One of Kurda's power tools exploded, leaving his hair and eyebrows singed. The smoking remains of the tool flew everywhere, and one tiny speck landed in the worst place possible: the sensitive eye of an orange-haired Vampire standing at the top of a very tall ladder. Mr. Crepsley screamed shrilly and lost his grip on the ladder,which came crashing down, leaving him clinging to the wreath. He hung for about one second before plummeting 100 feet to the floor along with the wreath.
He hit the ground with a THUNK. Darren screamed. Kurda shrieked. Mika said "HOLY SHIT!" Everyone crowded around the fallen Vampire. He didn't move. Harkat poked him
"Larten, are you all right?" Paris said loudly.
"I think he's sleeping." said Kurda wisely.
"Mr. Crepsley, wake up!" Darren wailed. The orange-haired mentor did not move. "Please?"
Harkat prodded him.
"He shouldn't be... dead, a vampire... could survive more... than a 100 foot drop!" the Little Person said matter-of-factly, causing Darren to burst into tears.
"But if he landed on his neck, he could be paralysed." Arrow added. Darren howled.
"Well, is he, like, breathing?" Kurda asked.
Harkat bent forward to check...
Chapter 3: Mr C's 3 C's
"He is breathing!" Harkat announced, much to the relief of Darren, who gave the Little Person a massive hug. The fallen Larten gave a groan.
"Uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh... I think... I fractured... my skull."
"Nah, I've seen fractured skulls, and since we can't see your brains, I can tell you it's not fractured." said Arrow helpfully.
"Then I have... fractured... everything else."
"You talk like... me now" Harkat grinned. "And Darren... after the Hall... of Flames."
"Move over, Harkat, I'll see what he actually has fractured." said Paris professionally.
After a few minutes, much prodding, and multiple shrieks of pain from Larten, Paris determined that the orange haired Vampire had broken his arm, his ankle, three ribs, and sustained a concussion, not to mention an eye infection from the thing that had landed in it. A human (or a half-Vampire) wouldn't have survived the fall.
"Thanks for going up the ladder for me." Darren said quietly.
"Maybe this... will teach you... be honourable... and not... sacrifice others."
Darren frowned, but helped Mika and Arrow carry Mr. Crepsley up to Vampire Mountain's small hospital room.
Madam Octa did not seem to be overly concerned about Mr. Crepsley's injury, but when Darren and Seba suggested moving the wedding two weeks ahead, she displayed actions that Darren referred to as "typical signs of aggression or severe anger in spiders." So that was that, the wedding wasn't going to wait for Larten to recover, and the team would have to continue minus the Father of the Bride, Chief Planner, and Event Coordinator, all of which was Larten Crepsley.
"Okay, guys." Darren said tiredly at the end of the first day of preparations. "Good... um... effort for one day. We'll spend the next three days finishing up in the Hall. That will bring us up to next week, and the wedding will be a week from Monday. So this coming Saturday, I was thinking we'd start on the-"
"Why is the wedding on a Monday? Mondays suck!" Kurda whined.
"You suck." Mika grumbled.
"Mika, remember what I said about being tolerant of others." Paris lectured.
"What? I didn't say anything!" Mika exclaimed.
"Yes you did! You told Kurda he "sucked". Whatever that means."
"Oh did I? I guess it's just second nature to me now." the dark Vampire replied disinterestedly.
"Nature has birds." Kurda smiled. "Bird-printed pants are very in this spring."
"Nature brings around hippies!" Seba announced. "Hippies don't do anyone any good!"
"Hippies... are peaceful!" Harkat interjected.
"They sit around with their green stuff and their smokes and their big hair... what do you call those things?"
"Afros?"
"Hippies don't have afros, Disco people have afros." Arrow contributed.
"Hippies could have afros if they wanted to!" Seba snapped. "What do you have against hippies?"
"How did this... conversation get started?" Harkat wanted to know.
"Mika said Kurda sucked."
"Now Mika, remember what I said about being tolerant of others." Paris lectured.
"Mmm, it's second nature." Mika replied.
"Nature has-" Kurda began.
"DON'T SAY BIRDS!" Darren yelled. Everyone looked up. "I mean... we should... Oh screw it, everyone go to bed!" he yelled in frustration.
Everyone was silent.
Until Seba asked conspiratorially if "all Hippies have afros, or just some Hippies?"
"You suck."
"Tolerance, Mika, tolerance!"
A typical conversation. Darren observed. One vicious, never-ending circle.
He went to go check on Mr. Crepsley.
"Control, confidence, and charisma." Do you know the meaning of either of those words?"
"I... Yeah! How could I live with you and not know them?" Darren protested as his dear mentor lectured him.
Larten narrowed his eyes. "You may think you know the meaning, but you must show me that you can make those words work for you."
Darren sighed. You'd think it was his fault that Seba was being demented, Kurda was being disturbing, Mika was being moody, Arrow was being sarcastic, Paris was being Dr. Phil-ish, and Harkat was being overly helpful. Weddings were apparently not easy to plan.
"So I hereby promote you to Chief Planner and Event Coordinator." Larten stated.
Darren almost screamed. How could he be fully in charge of planning the wedding when he couldn't even handle helping out? He couldn't even communicate with the bride-to-be!
"Why?" was all he could squeak out.
"I have just told you. You must learn control, confidence, and charisma." Mr. Crepsley said supremely.
Darren tried very hard not to scream.
"OK guys, so we all know our jobs, and we have everything we need, so tomorrow we're just gonna have some more big fun!" Darren said encouragingly to his team of wedding planners after dinner. As hard as he tried to be confident, controlling, and charismatic (Mr. Crepsley's 3 C's), nobody seemed to be extremely interested in paying attention to him. Currently, Mika and Arrow were having a Vortex tournament on their iPods. Harkat was standing in the fridge, pering curiously at the unidentified substance that had been discovered upon the return from the Ski Vacation. Kurda was reading the ingredients on the shampoo, and asking how each was pronounced. Paris was humming. Seba was punching buttons on his cell phone.
"So, um, get a good sleep, because we have lots to do tomorrow!" Darren said, faking perkiness. No one took notice.
"Bedtime!" No luck.
"First person in bed gets to use the Lime Green Sharpie for a whole day!"
The room was completely empty in 5 seconds flat.
Note to self: When all else fails, bribe.
Darren hoped he could find the Lime Green Sharpie.
Chapter 4: Ten Simple Rules
"When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies!
When I grow up, I wanna see the world, Drive nice cars, I wanna have Groupies!
When I grow up, Be on TV, People know me, Be on magazines!
When I grow up, Fresh and clean, Number one chick when I step out on the scene !"
Needless to say, Kurda Smahlt had taken center stage in the Hall of Princes and was jamming along with his hot pink iPod.
Darren groaned. For the past 3 hours, 6 Vampires had been fighting tooth and nail for control of the iPod stereo. The radically choppy mix of Mika's rock, Kurda's pop, Harkat's techno, Paris's classic country, and Seba's shrieks of complaint were giving him a splitting headache.
"Guys, focus!" Darren yelled desperately for the twenty-seventh (he'd counted) time that day.
"Sorry Darren!" Harkat called nicely from atop a ladder. He had been flicking plastic flowers at Seba, but to humour Darren, he discontinued flicking and resumed arranging them sweetly on the wall and taping them in place.
"I do not trust those plastic flowers." Seba grumbled. "All plastic and... plasticky! Plastic... who invented plastic anyway? Some low-life human, no doubt. Unemployed, most likely. And the he got rich off stupid fake stuff! WHAT is this world coming to?"
"Seba, shut up and paint." Darren growled impatiently. He didn't bother to stick around for Seba's complaints about being ordered around by a kid Vampire. He went over to where Mika, Arrow and Kurda were supposed to be constructing a stage where the spiders would stand as they were married. Mika and Arrow had a fairly good start on the stage, but Kurda was completely incapable of hitting the nails with the hammer.
"OK Kurda, I'm not going to explain this again." Arrow clarified. "You hold the nail. You hit the nail with the hammer until it's all the way in the wood and you can't see it anymore. Like this."
He picked up the nail, pressed the tip into the wood, and brought the hammer down on it, driving it into the wood with a single hit. Kurda looked astounded.
"Your turn" said Arrow, handing him a hammer and nail and stepping safely out of the way. Kurda held the nail against the wood and picked up the hammer shakily.
Smack.
He brought the hammer down on the wood, an inch away from the nail. He looked to Mika and Arrow for support.
Arrow had clearly been expecting nothing less. "Do it again."
The blond lifted the hammer and brought it down dead straight on the nail. But there was one problem: his thumb was in between the hammer and the nail.
To say that he screamed would have been an understatement. Harkat fell off his ladder (pulling the flowers down with him), Darren dropped his clipboard, Seba was so startled he forgot to complain, Paris flung a paintbrush (covered in electric blue sparkles) into the air, and several floors up from the Hall of Princes, Larten woke up from a nap. Arrow and Mika had seen this coming, so they simply plugged their ears, but Mika let out a scream of his own when Paris's paintbrush landed on his head.
10 minutes later, Darren was standing in front of Larten, holding Kurda (nursing a bruised thumb) and Mika (with sparkly blue hair). Darren had removed them from the Hall after disrupting the decorating (Kurda by screaming and Mika by attempting to kill Paris).
"Don't make me say it, Darren." sighed Larten. "I am not the disciplinarian here, I am on my sick bed, so deal with these two on your own."
Darren took a moment to decide whether or not to complain, but decided against it due to sympathy for Larten.
"Well, we have a hell of a lot to do before the wedding, so I guess we'll need the two of you to help out. But BEHAVE." Darren said without his usual enthusiasm. Kurda squealed with delight. Mika glared. Darren marched them back to the hall.
After turning off Kurda's iPod and hiding it under Mika's throne, Darren took center stage to make an announcement. In his hands, he held a scroll.
"Alright everyone, we need to have a little talk." said the half-Vampire as threateningly as possible. "We have 10 days to prepare for the first and last wedding to ever be held in our beloved home. If we want to make this work, you need to be controlled, I need to be charismatic, and we all need to be confident. But not too confident!" He added quickly as Kurda started to do a hip-hop dance.
"I'm going to lay down our new rules." Darren continued, over a wave of fresh complaints. "Number one: Indoor voices only while decorating!"
"Do we look like children to you?" Arrow growled.
"Not you, yourself, Arrow, but not everyone is lucky enough to be as adult as you." said Darren confidently and charismatically, causing the bald Prince to grin proudly. He hoped Larten would have appreciated his use of 2 of the 3 C's in a single sentence. He continued:
"Number two: Absolutely NO throwing of ANY object."
"Define "Any object". said Mika sneakily.
Darren hesitated, but then confidently replied:
"iPods, stereos, clocks, both digital and the, um, ticky type, pens, markers, paint brushes, whether or not they contain paint, cans of paint, books, boxes, decorations in any way, shape, or form, chairs, tables, other Vampires, Little People, miscellaneous food items, stuff that you shouldn't classify as food but do anyway, cameras, ribbons, confetties, staplers, glitter glue, scented or unscented highlighters-"
"Ok I get it... No throwing." grumbled Mika, sounding perturbed.
"Number two: There is to be absolutely NO leaving your workstation, unless you have authorized permission from me.
Number three: If you have any questions about the colour scheme, where to place the decorations, or what exactly a wedding is, refer to this month's issue of 21st Century Brides.
Number four: Decorative Scotch Mints are to be eaten ONLY. Inserting them into your nose, ears, or any bodily opening other than your mouth is strictly prohibited.
Number five: For insurance purposes, climbing ladders without safety gear is strictly forbidden.
Number six: G-Rated language ONLY is to be used within the work space.
Number seven: If by any chance you feel tired, help yourself to an energy drink, located in the cooler at the left of the thrones. (But NOT now!) After consuming the beverage, please continue working.
Number eight: Working hours are from 9 till 9. No exceptions.
Number nine: Failure to comply with the rules will result in loss of privileges, such as food.
Number ten: If loss of privileges doesn't work, failure to comply will result in a one-way ticket to Mr. Crepsley.
Are we clear?" Darren finished dramatically, feeling more confident, charismatic, and controlling than ever.
The only Vampire to comment was Seba:
"I do not agree with rule number four."