Blackadder: The Golden Age of Piracy Part 1

I DO NOT OWN BLACKADDER, AND NO PARROTS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS STORY!

1707, The middle of the Atlantic...

Second mate Edmund Blackadder of the Bulging Boil,the 170th best ship in the British navy, was lazing about in a hammock below deck while his lackeys Baldrick and Percy scrubbed the floor.

Blackadder was a tall man wearing a black trenchcoat and black curly hair in a ponytail. Baldrick had long brown hair in a ponytail and wore a wide-brimmed straw hat, a filthy shirt and sleeveless jacket, and a pair of brown trousers. Percy wore a white shirt and a pair of green breeches, as well as an eye patch.

"Sir, can i ask a question?" Asked Baldrick.

"If it is a stupid question, I shall throw you overboard, and the sharks will eat you, and I shall celebrate ridding myself of you." replied Blackadder, irritably.

"Well, is there any chance I could be captain?"

"Right, Baldrick, Say your prayers." Blackadder grabbed Baldrick by the ear and dragged him up the stairs, only to be met by captain Melchett and First Mate Darling. Both wore expensive red trenchcoats and tricornes.

"Blackadder! Giving out some discipline, are we?" Boomed Melchett in a cheery fashion.

"Indeed, sir. Is there something you wish to tell me?" Asked Blackadder, still not letting go of Baldrick's ear.

"Yes." Melchett's tone changed to one of a dangerously soft one "Tell me, what did you have for breakfast?"

Blackadder turned deathly pale "Um... chicken, sir."

"That's strange, considering the chickens were thrown out by Baldrick a month ago." remarked Darling, glancing at the spawn of a member of the house of baldrick and a piece of fungus.

"I thought they were pets that needed exercise!" Baldrick protested as Blackadder still held onto his ear.

Melchett held up a bright yellow feather, and a look of terror crossed Blackadder's face.

"That was MY PARROT you ate!" He roared, advancing.

Darling held him back "We'll hang him at dawn, sir." He threw Blackadder a look of deepest loathing.

"Take him to the brig!" Ordered Melchett. Several burly crewmen came up, and two grabbed Blackadder by the shoulders.

"Wait! Me and Percy are accomplices!" Cried Baldrick.

"YOU ARE ARE YOU!?" screamed Melchett "Them too!"

And with that, the three men were taken away.

...

"Oh, bother Baldrick! Why did say we were accomplices?" demanded Percy, as he paced the bottom of the ship.

"Because we can help Mr. Blackaddder escape." Said Baldrick "And it's half true. I accidentally lit the bird on fire with a match while trying to light a lantern at night."

"Well, it's lucky the General is a heavy sleeper."

"I'd like to hit him with something heavy." remarked Blackadder

"Why did you eat the bird, Sir?" asked Percy.

"Because I've had nothing to eat for a month on this ship but mouldy bread. You do realise, Baldrick, that if you had kept quiet, you could have snuck into here and unlocked the cell from the outside."

"It was part of a cunning plan. Now we're inside the cell, we can- ohhhhh..." Baldrick realised the flaw in his plan mid-sentence "Maybe we could tunnel out?"

"Baldrick, we're at the bottom of the ship. We'll drown."

'Our souls will escape, then."

"Quiet in there!" Snarled the guard from his chair.

A clever plan appeared in Blackadder's quick mind. He whispered something to his cellmates, and they all nodded.

"Remember, Don't say a word. Baldrick, that means you." Blackadder threw Baldrick a pointed look.

He called to the guard "Hey,, come here a moment, can you?"

The curious guard did as he was asked.

Blackadder made a motion that told the guard to come closer. The guard put his ear next to the bars.

Quick as a flash, the three prisoners grabbed the guard by the collar. The guard attempted to pull away, only for the prisoners to pull the guard towards the bars. His head hit them. Hard. He slumped onto the floor.

Within ten seconds, Edmund had grabbed the keys and unlocked the cell.

"Well, that was successful, wasn't it?" asked Blackadder.

The two remained silent.

"You can talk now." Sighed Blackadder, rolling his eyes.

"Indeed it was, sir." They said in unison and at once.

"To the ship's storage!" Cried Edmund, and with that they ran out of the brig.

...

They arrived at the ship's storage, and went over to the weapons.

"Good thing this isn't guarded." muttered Percy.

"That's because the security on this ship is as strong as a flower that has been crushed underfoot, burnt, and the then wilted with water." replied Blackadder.

"so, what's the plan sir?" Asked Baldrick.

"Trust me Baldrick, I know what I'm doing."

"I don't."

Blackadder picked up a pistol, and bopped Baldrick on the head with it.

"Understood, sir." said Baldrick, as Percy passed round Cutlasses, pistols, knives rifles, and ammo.

"Right, you are to follow my lead, understood."

"I didn't know we had a dog." Replied Baldrick.

Edmund looked nonplussed "What!?"

"You said to follow your dog lead."

Blackadder rolled his eyes "Just do as I say." he snapped, strapping the weapons to his person.

...

Melchett and Darling sat in The Captain's quarters, drinking wine.

"I say, Darling, what are we going to say to the higher-ups about Blackadder?" asked Melchett.

"Perhaps that they tried to mutiny, sir." Replied darling.

"How about a REAL Mutiny!?" Announced Edmund, bursting in with Baldrick and Percy, a pistol in each hand.

Melchett and Darling immediately put their hands in the air.

"Blackadder! You Scoundrel! You Hound! You parrot murderer! You-"

"Shut up." Growled Blackadder, as he pointed his pistol at Melchett's groin. "I'm in charge now. call the crew up. I want them to see this."

...

The crew was called up to see a bound Melchett and Darling at gunpoint by Blackadder, Percy, and Baldrick.

"Gentlemen, this ship is now mine. I am now captain, and Former Captain melchett and Former First Mate Darling will now walk the plank!" Announced blackadder.

The sailors let out a great cheer.

"Why do you betray us like this!?" Cried Melchett.

"let's see, they are poorly paid, and poorly treated by yourself." Blackadder told him.

"Let's become pirates!" Cried Percy.

"Percy, that is the first good idea you have had in your life." Blackadder told him.

The crew murmured in agreement. piracy appeared to have better pay than the British Navy.

Baldrick began nailing a long plank to to the side of the ship.

"Any last words?" Asked Blackadder.

"Very well." said Melchett "It is only now i see that it is not money that is worth-"

"Thank you Melchett." Blackadder interrupted, as Baldrick finished, and percy began frogmarching him to the plank.

"Hang on, I'm not finished! Hey! My curse is upon you, blackadder! My Curse is upon yooooooouuu!" Melchett said his last word just as he fell off the plank.

SPLASH!

"You're turn darling." said Baldrick.

"No." Said Blackadder, Suddenly, putting away one of his pistols.

"NO!?" shouted the crew.

"The sharks wouldn't want him." Edmund explained, drawing his sword and running darling through with it.

"HOORAY!" Cried the crew.

"Right, if you don't mind, I'll be in my new quarters, sorting out the new order of things. Trying out Melchett's finest clothes, getting a first mate, reorganising the pay...

He turned around and went back into his quarters.

He closed the door, and turned to find himself facing Melchett and darling's ghosts.

"Going to haunt me?" he asked.

They nodded.

"****!"

...

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