The audience of goblins, elves, wizards, and humans causes an uproar once the dragon destroys the studio's ceiling and blows fire on the back few rows setting them ablaze. He stops on the stage where the whole cast is assembled on the little tiered benches. The finalists are off to one side. Hermione's hair is flattened and in a cute bun as she's in a silk blue dress, whereas Lavender's is next to her in a black beanie with locs down her back, some ripped jeans, and a red t-shirt.

The dragon drops Randy onto the stage and zooms away.

Randy holds up the bag of money. "In this bag is one thousand shekels, the prize for the winner of this competition. The winner will also receive a lifetime supply of chocolate frogs. The time has come. You have both played a very long and exhausting game, but only one of you will leave with the title Sole Survivor."

Lavender is smiling, and Hermione has her eyes closed.

Randy continues. "Remember you want to see your name tonight, it takes five votes to win. Let's read these votes,"

The audience quickly grows silent in anticipation.

"First vote: [Lavender Brown.]"

The camera pans to her family of Encyclopedia Brown, Charlie Brown, and Cleveland Brown, all cheering.

"Next vote," [Hermione] Parvati claps excitedly being like "That's my handwriting!"

The audience begins to cheer louder once Randy reads the third vote: [Lavender]

Sweeping shot of the jury before another vote is revealed for,


"Both lovely ladies have two votes to win," Randy pulls another vote out of the goblet.


The audience screams in the background as Snape scowls as the camera zooms in on his big nose.

Hermione's white parents smile placidly as the camera settles on them, which cuts to Randy holding the next vote, [Hermione] "We're tied, three votes Hermione, three votes Lavender." Some ethnic screaming picks up in the audience from the minority elves.

Randy quickly flips over the next vote, [Lavender] Hermione is shown whispering into Lavender's ear, and she is looking gooped.

"One more vote for Lavender, and it's all over," Randy laughs like a douche when he reveals [Hermione].

Ginny audibly saying, "Naur…"

"It all comes down to this final vote, the winner of Survivor: Room of Requirement is…"

Randy smirks and pauses. Cho Chang gasps as he flips over the vote for [Lav]

Lavender jumps up and screams, "Oh my fucking god!" as she runs to the arms of her father, Cleveland. Veronica Crabtree sounds the weird horn sound effect as the intro music starts playing.

Wiping some tears away as Ron and Harry huddle around Hermione, she says, "It's okay, it's okay."

"What a crazy third season. Underdog Lavender Brown pulls it off and defeats Hermione Granger, and we have the whole cast back to answer questions like, what happened to Crookshanks? Is Cedric really a vampire? Did Hagrid go to jail for the murder of J.K. Rowling? Find that out and more once we come back from this commercial break. Don't change the channel nya!"

After a commercial for those nasty jelly beans plays, Lavender's winner package begins with "the fuck does he mean black of heart?" to dramatic music playing over her handshake with Draco when it rained on day three. "Oh my god, you're white as snow," Cho said while Lavender looked at her white hands pissed as hell. Shot of Parvati getting her torch snuffed and Lavender nervously smiling. To the final cut of Hermione and Lavender lying in their hospice cots smiling and shaking each other's hands.

Randy sits on a stump with some cards in his hands. "Lavender squeezed out the win five to four. For the audience at home, who voted for Hermione?" Harry, Parvati, Ron, and Cho raise their hands.

"Now, Hermione, do you regret your decisions this season?"

"I don't. The jury was just mad, and they're wrong." Minerva scowls fiercely from the upper left corner of the bleachers they're sitting on. "And Crookshanks is fine. He just passed his physical at the magical vet." Crookshanks runs out from backstage and sits on Hermione's lap.

"Our winner, Lavender Brown! You were at the bottom of the Slytherin tribe at the beginning of the game. Amazingly, you were able to turn it around."

"Yeah," she smiles.

"I want to get to the fan favorite this season. She struggled in the challenges and rallied the weak, Ginny Weasley!" Ginny waves as the trans people in the audience cheer for her. Ginny's now rocking some much larger boobs. "Now, you had a lot of harsh words for the final two. Did you ever forgive either of them?"

Ginny awkwardly chuckles. "Not particularly."

Randy shuffles his cards, "I want to talk to the elves, Dobby and Winky. I've heard you two got married after the season!"

Winky, hugely pregnant, begins to scream out in pain. "It happening Winky becoming mother! Ahhh!"

Dobby pushes Neville Longbottom over and pries Winky's legs open as wide as they can.

"Daddy Dobby is right here. Dobby can see the head!"

Medics jump onto the stage and Sybill looks terrified and shouts, "I'm not going back to the hospital!"

"Wow! Another life has been created from this amazing game. Let's cut to the commercials!"

The reunion resumes with Winky cuddling a swaddled elf in her arms. "Now, Winky, what are you naming your new baby girl."

Winky hums and then decides, "I'll name her Beth. After great-grandmama."

"Beautiful, maybe in a few years, we will cast Beth!" Randy laughs and then switches conversations, "Speaking of fucking, Harry, Ron, George, Draco, Albus, Neville, Hagrid, Snape you were all getting freaky with each other one way or another. Was that strategy for any of you?"

Most of them nod, with Albus saying, "No, that's just how I am."

"Also, let's look at this secret scene after George was voted out." Randy motions to the monitor as it begins playing.

George begins speaking, "So, before the game began, my twin Fred and I had the task to switch spots on the island every other day to make it to the merge. If we succeeded, without getting caught, we would both be eligible to play as individuals."

Cuts back to George and Fred sitting next to each other smiling, "We buggered that, didn't we did Georgie?" Fred pecks George on the cheek.

"Yep, there were twenty-one castaways! Now Hagrid, your trial for the murder of J.K. recently wrapped up."

"Yeah, it did! And the jury decided not guilty! Rawr!" Hagrid flexs his big arms and the crowd goes wild.

"Okay, and Minerva, your case against Crookshanks?" Randy asks in a shitty way.

"It was thrown out because there wasn't enough evidence," she scoffs.

Suddenly two people burst through the studio, and both float to the stage, one being carried by two short white dancers.

"Oh my God, It's Voldemort and Sia!" Randy exclaims.

"Yaur, yaur, I loved watching this season so much, and me and Voldy here are giving out some prizes."

"The death eaters favorite castaway was…Severus Snape." Snape looks shocked, and Voldemort goes over and plants a kiss on his old mouth.

"And my favorite castaway was…Draco Malfoy! You and Snape are both getting to feature on my next album. Now I have to go groom more dancers," She brings out a whip from under her bangs, "Now dash Maddie, now dash Mackenzie," She hits them, and they run away.

Voldemort twirls around the stage, "I am not done. Neville, what the fuck bitch? You didn't want to help me?"

Neville's having a panic attack in the top row. "No!"

"And that's why you lost, Ms. Brown. You did a great job, and when I kill the prime minister, I will have you in my cabinet."

She responds, "Yay!" Voldemort is then tackled by security.

"Okay, we're running out of time. Let's talk to everyone real quick, Cedric. How are you doing now that everyone knows you're a vampire?"

"It's fine, I moved to Washington."

"Sybill and Luna, I heard you two became great friends after spending some time at a mental asylum together."

"Yes, we did! I loved making macaroni pictures with Tree. She's so sweet." Luna says as she turns around and looks lovingly at Sybill.

"Why yes, I predict Luna will be super successful!"

"Now Parvati, it seems like the whole end game revolved around your ouster. Do you wish you spent your money more wisely at the auction?"

Parvati giggles, "I guess, but who cares!"

Randy frowns and moves on, "Harry, I hear you're single. You didn't want to shack up with Ron or Draco?"

Harry, annoyed at the question, says, "I'm single and ready to mingle."

Ron cries at Harry's dismissal as Draco mouths, 'Is this over yet?'

"Sadly, that's all the time we have. Before we go, we have to talk about next season! You'll be seeing familiar faces." Sharon Marsh walks out with envelopes clearly marked 'All-Stars invitations.'

"Survivor All-Stars - Chao World features 27 of the most memorable and competitive castaways, all of whom are eager to prove that they are the best of the best."

Dramatic shot of a girl with pink braids diving into the water.

"Against the stunning backdrop of the Chao World, these castaways will face an array of new and challenging obstacles that will test their physical and mental capabilities like never before."

Two twinks are shown making out in quick succession.

"As they battle for survival, alliances will be formed and broken, trust will be betrayed, and unexpected twists and turns will keep everyone on their toes."

A blonde girl and a big pink monster gasping in sky blue buffs.

"Who will have what it takes to outwit, outlast, and outplay the competition and be crowned the ultimate Survivor All-Star? Twenty-seven castaways, thirty days, only one Survivor, tune in 2024 to find out!" The promo rests on the tacky logo with golden stars all over it.

"Okay, that's our show, I'm Randy Marsh! Crabtree plays us out!" Veronica Crabtree goes ham on her keyboard and confetti rains down on the cast.