"So, like, as the door slowly creaks open, a massive, clawed hand grips the edge, causing it to crack along the grains… Everyone, like, roll me a Perception check?"

"Wait…why?" Nikki asked. She typically didn't join pick-up D&D games…or most TTRPG games for the matter- she was never able to really play the kinds of characters she wanted to, ironically- she much preferred the structure and fast pace of MMOs. That said, this was one of the rare times where none of the planets aligned with any of her normal raiding parties, and she was left wanting for cooperative, fantasy combat.

The flyer had said, "inclusive game, experienced DM".

It was clearly embellished in order to attract potential players.

"…why what?" The hot topic reject sitting behind the (defaced) DM screen wondered.

"We can clearly see the monster opening the door, right? So why do we need to roll Perception?"

The cry for attention scowled. "Like, just fucking do it? I'm building up to something here."

"Fine, whatever…!" Nikki picked up and rolled her d20 along with the other players, who all seemed to get results at or below 16. She waited until the others had stated their rolls before giving hers. "…I got a 22."

"OK. So…none of you notice anything else about the monster. Roll for Initi-"

"Bullshit! How does a 22 not get me anything?"

"Um, cuz it just fucking doesn't?" the faux-Goth girl explained, "Now fucking roll Initiative!" The sounds of clattering math rocks sound permeated the room for a few seconds.

"We're only level 5," Nikki complained, not joining in with her fellow players. "Why the hell is the damn DC so high? The only PC who has a reasonable chance of making that is the Rogue, and they dumped their Wisdom stat!"

Said player shrank in their seat a little bit.

"What the hell kind of Dark Souls game balance is this?"

"Look…" Miss "Goffik" leaned forward over her screen, "if you want to run this fucking adventure, be my guest. If not, then shut the fuck up and roll Initiative."

Nikki scowled, picked up her die, and let it drop to the table. "There. Happy now?"

"I'm never happy? But I'm satisfied. Any-fucking-way…"

Combat mostly proceeded without incident. In addition to the big monster, there were also several minions to grief the party enough that they couldn't just gang up on the Big Guy™️. And in fairness to the other players, they at least knew what they were doing enough so things didn't get dragged down with numerous "how does this work?" questions.

After beating the monster and saving the big tittied Princess (Nikki wasn't sure this Lillian chick hadn't played Dragon Quest, but there were too many similarities for this to be a coincidence) loot was handed out, which was where the next issue arose.

"So like, Celestia? You get a pair of Boots of Elvenkind for, like, saving Princess Dementia from the monster?"

"…I can't wear those."

Here we go…

Lillian sighed. "Fucking why not?"

"Because she's Tiefling; she has hooves, not mammalian feet. Those boots are useless to her!"

"…like, they're magic?"

"Yeah, and? Just because they're 'magic' doesn't mean it's any less insensitive! Would you give a dwarf something like this?"

"Um…YES, because it's a fucking useful item!"

The rest of the table wisely kept silent, lest the DM kill their characters out of spite, or the angry blue-haired girl bit them.

Also, they're not the real horror story here, let's be honest.

Needless to say, the argument between Nikki and Lillian was starting to get pretty heated.

"…and I bet you only picked up the game because you watched, like, 3 episodes of Critical Role and thought you were the next Matt Mercer, huh?"

"Like, so fucking what? Just because it's the most popular D&D live stream doesn't make it a fucking crime to like?"

"I bet you can't even name 4 other roles he played outside of McCree!"

"You wouldn't know how to pick a spell if it was, like, literally spelled out for you!"

It went on like that for the rest of the session time, with nothing else really being accomplished in the game. Eventually, everyone else packed up and left, leaving the two social outcasts to their bitching.

Nikki was eternally barred from any more games that Lillian ran…until she promised the goth girl a discount on all coffee whenever she came into the Nutmeg Cafe for the next month.

fin.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

I don't know where this idea came from...but when I got Lillian and Nikki for this prompt, the rest just seemed to fall into place.