Hello all! I've decided to create a series of unrelated oneshots about Blaise and Theo's exploits when it comes to Draco and Hermione. Current fics in the series:
1. Blaise Zabini and the Difficulty of Existing
2. The Pool
3. The Curse of Accidental Voyeurism
The other two fics are T rated, with implied sexual content and swearing, but this fic is getting an M, because Theo actually walks in on Draco/Hermione. It's not described explicitly, but it is there, alongside swearing.
Please enjoy :) I'm going to making oneshot Dramione 7th year AUs forever.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter
Theodore Nott thought that he was cursed.
He sat alone in the Slytherin common room, late in the night, long past when all the others had gone to bed. Staring into the fireplace, slowly nursing a bottle of Ogden's he had nicked from Blaise, he pondered his fate. He didn't feel guilty, it's not like Blaise would notice that the bottle was missing. He only drunk firewhiskey on special occasions.
Blaise was classy.
Theo had no such qualms.
He felt the liquor burn his throat as he glared at the flames, considering who he had wronged so grievously in a past life to warrant his current condition. Was this karma? For what? Why did he deserve the daily torture that he was being subjected to?
Theo did not consider himself a bad person. Of course, he had made some questionable decisions in his lifetime, what seventeen-year-old boy hadn't? But he wasn't evil, he could say that with absolute certainty. He was nothing like his father, the ardent bastard still locked away in Azkaban. Theohad avoided all the blood supremacy bullshit, even as he watched his friends get sucked into it in their younger years. He was nice to house-elves, he said hello to Lovegood in the corridors, and he had never used the m-word.
So what on Merlin's green earth had he done to deserve this?
Theodore Nott had to be cursed; a lifetime malediction designed just for him.
There was no other rational explanation for his situation.
Because there was no other reason for why he managed to catch his best mate, the bane of his existence, Draco Malfoy shagging Hermione Granger on a near daily basis.
But that wasn't the torturous part, though he felt the need to wash out his eye with Bubotuber pus whenever he found his best friend buried hilt deep in Hermione Granger – in abandoned classrooms, in broom closets, the Prefect's bathroom, that one time in the boathouse – as he usually screamed "for the love of GOD you two!" while he stumbled away.
No, the torment was much more complex.
The reason Theo was cursed was not because he had the utmost displeasure of acting as witness to Draco and Granger meeting each other on a carnal level.
It was because no one ever believed him when he said that he had.
No matter how many times he sat Blaise down to explain, "mate, you don't understand, Draco is shagging Granger," his favourite Italian would always laugh it off.
"Merlin, Theo, are you drunk? It's two o'clock in the afternoon."
No matter how many times he brought it up with Pansy, she would always shake her head dismissively.
"Theo, if you're angry with Draco, just duel each other. No reason to make up rumours."
Even that one time that he had yanked Harry Potter into a classroom, to the Chosen One's great annoyance, to demand if he knew about the secret relationship happening right under his nose, Potter had scoffed.
"Listen, Nott, I don't have time for Slytherin antics today. If you want to piss me off, try something more believable."
It was a curse, it had to be. Like the opposite of Veritaserum. No one ever believed him. Everyone always thought that he was lying.
Was this his own personal hell? Being subjected to having front row tickets to his best mate's sex life, without anyone trusting that he had actually seen the show.
It's not that he cared that Draco was shagging Granger – from the plethora of first-hand experience he had with it, it seemed like they both were enjoying themselves.
He just didn't want to see it.
It was like muggle magnetism, as he briefly remembered from the one year of Muggle Studies he had taken. No matter where he was, not matter what he was doing, he would attract Draco and Granger – his north pole (eyes) to their south poles (obviously). There had to be thousands of broom cupboards in Hogwarts, and he was fated to always open the one that contained their forbidden tryst.
It was nauseating. It was aggravating.
It was ruining his seventh year at Hogwarts.
He crushed the glass in his hand.
And no one understood his suffering.
Theo was making his way to Transfiguration, trying desperately to beat the rush of students in the morning, leaving the Great Hall early. He had slept badly the night prior, having spent the evening shooting the shit with Blaise. They were in the midst of a six-week chess battle. Blaise had won the game last night, evening their overall score. Theo had taken an angry walk, annoyed at losing his lead, and with his luck, had stumbled upon Draco and Granger shagging by the lake. And partially in the lake.
It was disgusting.
As per usual, Blaise had not believed him when he returned to the common room. Apparently, Draco had been in the library.
At least come up with a better lie, Theo thought, rolling his eyes, as he rounded a corner towards Transfiguration. However, as if he had summoned them merely by thought, which is what it felt like at this point he stumbled upon Draco and Granger – snogging against the wall.
"For the love of Merlin," Theo exclaimed, as the two broke apart, Granger blushing a furious red and Draco shooting him a glare. "It's been less than twelve hours. Could you two not, I don't know, just wait?"
"No one asked you to attend, Theo," Draco drawled, not bothering to release his hold on Granger as she buried her face in his chest.
"The amount of times I run into you in the position, it feels like I was sent an invitation. If you two want a third, you could just ask…"
A voice shouted out from behind him.
"Theo! Wait up!"
He turned around to see Blaise rounding the corner, trailing after him. His couldn't help but grin – fucking finally – as he turned back to Granger and Draco in triumph.
His jaw dropped.
Where before had been two people obviously in the midst of passion – their uniforms crumpled, their skin flushed, and their bodies wrapped around each other in a way that even he considered indecent, now the two stood metres apart, faces indifferent, clothing perfect.
As if they hadn't just been about to fuck against the wall.
"You," Theo gasped, pointing between the two of them. "How… how did you do that?"
Draco raised an eyebrow, his face a perfect mask of indifference.
"Don't know what you mean, Theo."
Blaise had finally reached Theo's side, slapping him on the back.
"Merlin, mate, why you leave breakfast so quick? Do you really hate Daphne's daily dream explanations that much…"
Theo watched as his friend's eyes drift to Draco and Granger. He nodded at the both of them.
"Hey, Draco. Granger. What are you doing here?"
"Malfoy and I were going over the patrolling schedules," she answered smoothly, her voice neutral, as if she hadn't just had her tongue down the other man's throat less than a minute prior. "To make sure they don't interfere with Quidditch practice."
Blaise smiled, completely unaware of the sexual tension boiling over in the air. "You truly are the best Head Girl we've ever had, Granger."
"Yes," Theo fumed, disbelieving of the current situation. "It's amazing how you cater to the needs of the other students."
Granger looked him straight on, her brown eyes betraying nothing.
"I do try my best, Theodore. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
With that, she turned on her heel and walked away, Draco's eyes intensely focused on the sway of her skirt.
"You lot ready for class?" Blaise asked, still oblivious.
Theo raised a shaking finger at Draco. "He… he was snogging Granger."
"This again?" Blaise responded, rolling his eyes. "Will you just drop it, Theo? No one is ever going to believe that Draco and Granger are shagging."
"But they are!" Theo hissed, almost pulling out his hair. "All the time."
Draco smirked. "I didn't realize you were so obsessed with me, Theo."
He started stammering. "You… you piece of shit…"
Blaise wrapped his arm around Theo's shoulders and began leading him down the corridor.
"Have you been sleeping enough, Theo? Maybe we can talk to Pomfrey about getting you some Dreamless Draught…"
Theo was bent over a table in the library, frantically trying to finish his Transfiguration essay before Pince forced him to leave for the night. It was about the properties of Anamagi, a topic Theo found inarguably fascinating, but had no interest in delving into at this hour of the night.
He frowned at his parchment, nearly thirty inches in length. Pushing his chair back, he stood up to go over to the stacks, knowing that he needed a copy of Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration to finish the essay.
Turning a corner towards where the Transfiguration spell books were kept, he stopped dead in his tracks.
He should've bloody well known.
At the back of the library, between two secluded bookshelves were Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, going at it like rabbits, with the Head Girl hanging onto the stacks for dear life, Draco behind her, her skirt rucked up above her hips, railing her like he didn't want her to survive.
Theo slammed his hands over his eyes. "It burns! Oh my god, it fucking burns!"
He heard a growl, and he peeked through his fingers to see Draco looking over his shoulder at him, hiding Hermione from his view.
At least he was a gentleman.
"Is there something you would like, Nott?" Draco hissed.
"Bollocks, Draco. At least exit her when you talk to me."
From the opposite direction, he heard footsteps. Turning on his heel quickly, Theo felt his heart drop out of his chest at the sight of Madame Pince making her way towards him, fury in her eyes.
"Mr. Nott," she whispered furiously. "Why are you screaming in my library?"
"Madame Pince," Theo stammered, desperately. "I'm sorry, I was just… I was startled…"
"Startled?" she demanded. "Because of what?"
Theo glanced backwards briefly over his shoulder to where Draco and Granger had been just a moment before. Because Theo understood the nature of his own suffering, he was unsurprised to see that the two secret lovebirds had disappeared until the shadows.
He groaned. "Nothing, Madame Pince. I thought I heard something."
She crossed her arms, giving him a withering glare. "That'll be a week of detention, Mr. Nott. Some students actually attend Hogwarts to learn."
She stalked away.
Theo rubbed his eyes, hoping to disintegrate the image burned into his retinas.
"Don't worry, Pince. I have learned far more than I ever wanted to in this hellscape."
His detentions were quite simple, though tedious. He was tasked with knocking the dust out of all the fifth-floor tapestries. When he had told Blaise and Draco, the former had burst out laughing, convinced that Theo had seen his own shadow and screeched like a little girl.
Draco gave him a smirk that Theo would've killed to punch right off the smarmy git's face.
But if he did, he knew without a doubt that the Head Girl would happily extend his detention to a month.
So, here he was, on a Wednesday evening, angrily hitting tapestries with a broom as dust exploded into the air. At one such tapestry of Barry Wickle, Theo smacked the woven design, coughing as he breathed soot into his lungs, when he heard someone shout out from behind Wickle's annoyed expression.
Theo ripped back the tapestry to reveal a small alcove, where, certain as the sun rising in the east, were Draco and Granger, their bodies too closely entwined to be school appropriate.
"You're doing this on purpose," Theo hissed, tossing his broom to the ground. "I told you I was cleaning the fifth-floor tapestries every day this week."
Draco's jaw dropped. "I thought you said fourth floor tapestries."
"I could throttle you. Granger, can I throttle him?"
The Head Girl stifled a giggle, before taking Draco's hand and pulling him into the corridor. Theo slammed the tapestry back to cover the alcove, a cloud of fine particles erupting once again.
"Listen, friend and good acquaintance," Theo said, turning to the two twits taking up all his mental energy. "I don't care that you two are shagging. I really don't. I care that I have to see it all the damn time. Like, if this really is my curse, can't you send me a schedule or something?"
"Theodore Nott, we are not sending you a schedule of shag locations and time stamps."
"Do you like voyeurism, is that it, Draco?" Theo taunted. "Because nothing else makes sense at this time."
"Fuck off, Theo, I don't want you to catch me with my girlfriend, it seems more like you're an exhibitionist…"
Draco trailed off, as the weight of his words hit all three members of the unlikely throuple at the same time.
"Wait, hold up," Theo said, his eyes wide and flicking between the two, as Granger blushed beet red once again. "Did you say girlfriend?"
Draco's jaw dropped as he turned to the girl next to him, watching him with wide eyes, a radiant expression appearing on her face.
"Did you mean it?" she whispered, looking at Draco, seemingly forgetting that Theo was standing right next to them.
Draco swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I… I did."
Theo couldn't help but groan. "Okay, first you're forcing me to watch you lot shag, now I have to be here for the intimate moments, too? Why? Why do you hate me so much?"
Granger shot him a glare. "You're running the moment, Theo."
"The moment? How many of my moments have you lot ruined of mine by deciding to only shag in my immediate presence?"
Draco waved his hand dismissively. "Fuck off, Theo."
"I'm the one here in detention. You lot fuck off."
"I think we will," Granger said, wrapping her arm through Draco's elbow, and leaning her head on his shoulder. They sauntered down the hall and around a corner, leaving Theo with his jaw on the floor, stuttering like a mad man, in disbelief of his fate.
A portrait of Timothy the Timid on the opposite wall glanced at him, Tim raising an eyebrow.
"Are they always like that?"
Theo groaned, falling backwards into the tapestry, dust flaking onto his shoulder.
"Only when I'm around."
"Blaise, I don't understand why you just won't believe me," Theo complained, as the two friends leaned against the wall of the Slytherin Common Room, the whole dungeon filled with people at an inter-house party.
Blaise took a swig of butterbeer. "I don't believe you because it's patently absurd. Don't you think I would have noticed if Draco were shagging Granger by now? I mean, I do live with the guy."
"Am I the only one with access to my damn Mind's Eye or whatever Trelawney used to call it," Theo groaned. "It doesn't make sense. They sneak away all the time. They shag all the time. Everywhere. Fuck, he even described her as his girlfriend last week."
Blaise burst into ferocious laughter. "Gods, are you trying to make your story less believable? Shagging, not in this universe. Dating? Not in this universe or any other."
"But they are!" Theo whined, his eyes catching sight of the two lovebirds speaking on the opposite side of the common room. "Look at them, Blaise! When have you ever seen Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger speaking? Cordially? Look at their body language? You're telling me those are two sworn enemies?"
Blaise glanced over at the pair; his disinterest obvious. "Who said they're enemies anymore? We have all grown up; I'm just saying they're not screwing. Besides, Draco would have told us."
"He never needed to tell me when I receive nearly daily reminders in the form of them fucking. Blaise, come on. You're not this dense!"
"Why is Blaise dense?" the voice of Pansy Parkinson asked as her and Daphne joined them. Pansy's dark eyes turned to Theo. "What are you going on about?"
"Same as usual," Blaise replied, bored. "Draco fucking Granger."
"You're still on that?" Daphne asked, glancing over at where the two were talking, their bodies too close for anyone with an ounce of sanity to believe they were strictly platonic. "Wouldn't we know by now?"
"You would if you ever gave my words any credence," Theo scowled. "I thought we were friends."
"We are," Pansy replied, taking a sip of her cocktail. "I just think this is a part of some elaborate prank."
"It is! That Draco is pulling! He's been sleeping with Granger for months now, under everyone's nose!"
Blaise rolled his eyes. "There's only one thing that could happen for me to believe that this fantasy of yours is true, Theo."
"Finding them shagging?"
The other man shook his head. "I mean, probably, but that's not what I was going for."
"How could I convince you? Merlin almighty, how can I do it?"
Blaise pursed his lips. "If Potter and Weasley thought that Draco was shagging their Gryffindor princess, they would beat the living shit out of him. Draco's pointy face is unbruised, therefore, no hanky-panky between the houses."
Daphne burst into a fit of giggles. "Hanky-panky? What are we, Blaise? Third-years?"
Theo barely heard the comment, even as his friends starting chuckling around him. Because Blaise, unwittingly, had given him a spark of inspiration that may perhaps free him from his plight.
And he had just enough firewhiskey in his system to believe that this was a good idea.
He slammed the rest of his drink back, before forcing the empty glass into Daphne's hand, causing the witch to stumble back. On wobbly legs, he strutted across the common room to a different corner, where Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Ginny Weasley were all standing.
"Potter!" he barked, making his way to the group, the name only slightly slurred. The Chosen One glanced over at him raising an eyebrow above his stupid glasses. "I need to talk to you."
"Okay?" Potter replied, exchanging a confused glance with his girlfriend while the Weasel just stared. "Something we can help you with, Nott?"
"Absolutely," Theo replied. "I need you to listen to me. I have vital information to share."
Potter rolled his eyes. "If this is about your damn conspiracy theory, I don't care."
Weasley raised a ginger eyebrow. "What conspiracy theory?"
She-Weasel laughed, a full body affair that did not seem to match her small frame. "Nott here is convinced that Hermione's been secretly shagging Draco Malfoy."
And then Theo's dreams were shattered.
Because his one potential ally – the only man he could count on to believe him, to let jealousy outweigh the stated boundaries of the Hogwarts Houses, burst into ferocious guffaws, nearly doubling over as he did so.
"Merlin, Nott," Weasley exclaimed, wiping tears out of his eyes. "You should tell jokes more often. Have you ever considered stand-up comedy?"
"Are you kidding?" Theo hissed, as he heard footsteps behind him. He turned slightly to see Blaise, Pansy, and Daphne had followed him.
"Nah," Weasley responded, still laughing. "But you have to be. Because that's hilarious."
"Do you all have blinders on?" Theo screeched, finally losing it. "Are you trying to be morons? Because it must take effort to be this clueless!"
"Theo, are you done?" Blaise asked.
"No!" he screamed, as the burden of the only one with the knowledge that Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger were together finally knocked him down. "I'm not! Because no one else in this damn castle can seem to understand that Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger are IN LOVE!"
Theo's tenor had reached a climax, his scream filling the room as everyone went silent. From the opposite corner, Draco gave him a scathing look as Granger raised an eyebrow.
"News to me," she said simply.
Everyone burst out laughing as Theo gapped wordlessly. How could they… he had never met two people with better poker faces in his entire life.
He was being gaslit, he concluded, as the oil lamps in the corner flickered. Maybe this was all an alternate reality where everything was backwards and upside down. Because it seemed Hogwarts itself was now in on the joke.
He had to be cursed.
He stalked away from the group towards the dormitories in pure, fiery rage. Just before he went up the staircases, he turned back over his shoulder and shouted.
"At least fuck in the Room of Requirement like everyone else! At least that way I won't have to see it!"
Theo glared at The Daily Prophet the next morning, as his friends (traitors) all sat around him, chatting and telling stories from the party. It seemed that Theo losing his absolute shit in the middle of the common room had been a winner – at least in offering others amusement.
"Theo, I love you, mate," Blaise said, smacking him on the back. "Gods, you're funny. Is this some sort of method acting? Like you've really committed to the bit?"
He scowled, sipping his coffee as the others continued to relive the night prior. However, after a few moments, the din died down, and an uneasy silence descended on the group.
Theo looked up.
Standing by the Slytherin table, hand-in-hand and fulfilling all of his wildest dreams, were Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy, smiles wide and expressions radiant.
And obviously – together.
"Oi," Blaise asked, frowning and gesturing at their hands with his fork. "What's this, then?"
Pansy and Daphne were gaping.
Theo had a shit-eating grin on his face.
"Well," Hermione started, shooting Draco a loving look. "After last night and Theo's outburst, Draco and I had a conversation."
Theo slammed his fist on the table. "I told you so!"
Draco shot him a look. "We talked about it, and we figured out that maybe Theo was seeing something that we just couldn't."
Theo's grin disappeared. "Say what?"
"Yes," Hermione sighed, dramatically. "Theo could see a passion and chemistry between us that we just couldn't… all that history, you know? And after last night, we decided that maybe Theo was just future-casting, and maybe we should give dating a shot."
Theo stood on shaking legs, disbelief spreading through his veins. "You absolute twats."
"It's true," Draco said solemnly. "And we just really wanted to thank you, Theo, for your dedication. Because without you, we would never have realized we had feelings for each other. Which we have realized. For this first time."
"Last night," Hermione clarified. "After the party."
Theo stuttered incoherently, staring forward at them as Draco shot him a wink.
He was to be cursed for a lifetime.
Blaise clapped his hands together. "Well, I'm happy for you lot! Theo, you matchmaker. Do me next."
Theo couldn't help himself. He let out an unworldly scream – an inhuman noise, as he knocked over his coffee. Not giving the so-called new happy couple another glance, he stormed from the Great Hall to go drink firewhiskey until he had the nerve to punch Draco in the face.
As he stalked off, Blaise raised an eyebrow.
"What's his deal?"
Draco shrugged, sitting down on the bench with Hermione at his side – his face a perfect mask of indifference.
Draco walked to the centre of the ballroom, gently tapping a champagne flute, until he had the attention of all the guests in the room.
"Hello everyone," he drawled, looking around. "I just wanted to thank you all for making the time to attend our special day. I wanted to also take a moment to make a toast to my new wife – how I've longed to say those words. Hermione, the first time I knew I could love you, after that party in seventh year…"
A strangled voice interrupted the groom's monologue.
"That's not true!" Theo shouted, standing up from the high table. "They were seeing each other before that!"
"Ignore the best man!" A different voice called out from the bar. Blaise downed another glass of champagne and turned back to the wedding guests.
"He's just really dedicated to the bit."
A lifetime curse indeed.
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