"I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all."
Once again, he'd started small. Last time he'd tried he didn't have the resources - or the motivation - that he had now. He knew his own limits better, had people he could trust to help him. Imogen had been a glimpse into a future he could barely comprehend. Inejā¦.
Inej could be his future. If only he could reach out and take her.
He would rather have started with Nina but that was when she was a heartrender. Ever since she took Parem her powers were never the same and he didn't want to take those kinds of risks with himself. Anyway, she'd gone to Fjerda to bury Helvar.
In actuality he would have preferred to work on things with Inej, but that was impossible. She had also left Ketterdam.
Wylan was right out. There was no way he was revealing this kind of weakness to the merchling, his speech about shame be damned.
That left Jesper. The only other person he even remotely trusted enough to keep things to himself. He knew the consequences otherwise.
So Kaz told Jesper everything. Now that Rollins was out of the Barrel and he'd taken over the Dregs...he needed to heal. He could never be the man Inej deserved, but he could try to be someone she would choose. Someone without armor.
Or at least someone who could shed their armor at the end of the day.
It felt foolish to sit at a table and hold hands with Jesper, but that's what they did. For as long as Kaz could stand it. Sometimes longer. Jesper didn't think it actually helped but he held on longer each time, trying his best to help his best friend.
When they were in public - when Kaz had to keep his cool or else - Jesper reverted back to his old behavior, before he figured out that Kaz didn't like to be touched. He nudged, patted, and poked - through clothing, of course. It took real effort not to flinch and Kaz thought he might have to make a dentist appointment in case he clenched his teeth too hard and broke one. He managed to get used to it though.
Weeks of this. Months. Small steps. He still wore his gloves to meet with others, but if he was in his room at the Slat, or the Van Eck manor, he took them off. It startled Wylan the first time he saw Kaz's bare hands. He'd seen them before, of course, but they were such a part of Kaz's image that seeing bare skin where there was usually black leather was disconcerting. He knew better than to ask about it by now and just took it in stride.
There were good days and bad days, but the bad were slowly becoming fewer and farther between.
Eventually, he had started again to take his gloves off in public. Dealing bare handed first cards then beatings. Never in the rain, though. He still couldn't stand wet skin, washing aside. It was too cold, reminded him of the harbor. As long as his skin was dry he could focus on the warmth, the life. The difference between a healthy living person and a cold bloated corpse got easier to distinguish.
The first time Kaz shook Wylan's hand without a glove it was difficult to say who looked more uncomfortable. Wylan looked as though he was braced for an explosion. Kaz's teeth were clenched and his shoulders tense, but after months of small daily brushes and touches with strangers, and more prolonged contact with Jesper, Kaz knew it was time to branch out. He was safe with Jesper but what about others? He may never fully heal but he was trying to keep the waters down, keep them manageable.
Hopefully it would be enough.
A/N: I intended this to be longer but it's been sitting in my google docs for 3 months so you guys can just have it as is and if I ever decide to add to it I will. I doubt I will.