As usual, Megumin and Yunyun both woke up early to cook breakfast. Theoretically, it was Megumin's responsibility to do all the cooking, cleaning, and other various chores around the house. The problem with that was that Megumin was "creative" when it came to the culinary arts, and her cooking was far more likely to give one severe indigestion with the amount of spices she added to her dishes.

With that in mind, and because she just genuinely enjoyed helping, Yunyun had taken over the meal preparation in the Dursley household. Unlike her cousin, she was not prone to adding cayenne pepper to toast "so that it burned with passion," and her cooking was always delicious to her parent's delight.

"Oh, this looks lovely dear," Ms. Dursely cooed, coming down stairs to kiss the top of Yunyun's head as she prepared omelets with plenty of vegetables, as well as some fresh fruits. "Megumin, get the mail."

"You will rue the day you forced me to engage in such labor. One day, when people ask you, 'do you know Megumin Potter,' you shall wail and gnash your teeth at the memory of-"

"Megumin, just get the mail," Vernon growled as he came into the kitchen. He smiled at Yunyun. "I don't suppose there's any bacon to go with that, Yunyun?"

"No dad, the doctor says you need to eat less fat and sodium. I've made a lovely omelet with cheese, leeks, and some mushrooms," Yunyun informed Vernon.

Vernon sighed and gave his wife a pleading look, but she simply shrugged and nodded at Yunyun, who was looking at her father with large eyes and a bright smile.

"Oh, very well. I suppose if you all insist," Vernon muttered.

Yunyun very much did, and thanks to her insistence, Vernon was at the far healthier weight of a beluga instead of a humpback whale. Not that people should weigh that much, but it was an improvement.

"I got a letter!" Megumin cried, dashing back into the kitchen and holding it aloft. "Finally, my day has come! I have been recognized for my incredible talents, and soon I shall write my legend in crimson across the skies!"

"Hmph. It's probably just a reminder for your dentist appointment," Vernon snorted, not impressed by Megumin's theatrics. At first, he and his wife had been very worried that she would attract the wrong sort of people with her antics, but after years of dark prophecies and foreboding proclamations at the drop of a hat, they were somewhat inured to such things. Even their niece talking to a snake at the zoo hadn't done much more than earn an exasperated roll of the eyes.

"Oh, I got a letter too! Maybe it's a friend wishing me happy birthday, and it's just late!" Yunyun said in delight as she took her own letter from Megumin's hands.

"Hmph. I am certain yours is not as interesting as mine," Megumin laughed. "They even know I live in the cupboard under the stairs!"

That got the Dursley's attention. "If it's social services, bloody well tell them that we tried to give you the smaller bedroom, and that you insisted on staying in that little hidey hole of yours!" Vernon growled.

"You could have the bigger bedroom if you want, I wouldn't mind," Yunyun said helpfully, carefully opening her own letter with a knife.

For her part, Megumin shredded the envelope and gleefully held out the thick parchment. "It says, 'Dear Miss Potter, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY!"

By the end of her sentence, Megumin had jumped up atop the table and was holding her letter aloft while she thundered the news as if it were a message from the goddesses themselves.

After a moment of shock, Vernon was on his feet as Petunia wept. He snatched the letter out of Megumin's hands after a brief struggle, then carefully read it, his eyes racing across the page.

"It's them," he hissed. "How did they know where to find her?"

"Them?!" Megumin nearly passed out from sheer delight. A mysterious letter from 'them?' This was EXACTLY the sort of thing that happened to main characters and portended the start of their journey of peril and adventure that led to them attaining great power and fame.

"Vernon, Vernon you don't think-" Petunia hiccuped, having gone so pale that she looked as though she were about to turn into a ghost.

"It's stuff and nonsense is what it is!" Vernon declared, and immediately took the letter over to the stove, where he turned on the gas and thrust the letter into the flames.

"NO! How dare you! It's mine! My destiny!" Megumin wailed, and attempted to seize the letter from Vernon. However, Megumin was a 10 year old girl who weighed as much as a sack of kittens, and while Vernon was not so rotund as he might have been, he was still a big powerful man, and he easily fended her off.

"We'll have none of that in this house!" Vernon roared, shoving Meguimn back. "We're a perfectly ordinary family, who do perfectly ordinary things! We'll have nothing to do with that sort!"

"But dad-" Yunyun began.

"But nothing! This is for the best!" Vernon declared. "We won't ever speak of it again!'

"Vernon," Petunia gasped. "Oh no. Vernon!"

Megumin turned to see her cousin holding up a letter that was nearly identical to the one that had just been burned. With a squeal of delight, she dashed forward, seizing the letter and pounding away with it tucked under one arm.

"YOU GET BACK HERE!" Vernon raged, but he was far too slow. Megumin slid down the hall and into her cupboard, where she slammed the door shut, locking it from the inside.

"It's mine!" Megumin cackled, turning on her light from the lamp Yunyun had given her and holding up the letter. "Since you have taken mine, I shall take Yunyun's and go to the school of magic and witches!"

Eagerly, Megumin read the letter, mentally making the appropriate substitutions for her own name. They wanted her to send an owl, did they? Well, clearly this was the first of many tests. She would have to find a way to capture an owl and force it to take her response back to this Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore. The enclosed list of equipment was simply amazing too! A wand!? A cauldron!? A FAMILIAR!? This was everything she had ever wanted and more!

For a time, Vernon had raged outside of Megumin's cupboard, but after a few minutes, he calmed down and there was a hurried conversation. Just as Megumin was finishing the list of things, there was a timid knock at her door.

"M-megumin? Um, we need to talk."

"Ha! I shall not be swayed by your honeyed words, Yunyun! I have rightfully stolen this letter, and now I shall-"

"Megumin...it was sent by the people who killed your parents," Yunyun interrupted, her voice at the verge of tears.

That got Megumin's attention. While she would gladly ignore Vernon's tirades or Petunia's wails, Yunyun had never had anything but Megumin's best interests at heart. Reluctantly, she opened the cupboard and glared out, finding her Aunt and Uncle glowering over her, while Yunyun crouched at the threshold and tears leaked down her cheeks.

"Ok. Talk."

This time, Vernon did not burn the letter, instead setting it on the table before them as Petunia wept, and began her tale through tears and sobs.

"Your mother, Lily, got a letter just like this when she was your age," Petunia explained. "She was so excited, as were your grandparents. A real witch! Oh, they thought she was so blessed. I knew it was a curse. At first, I hated that she got to go off and have these adventures and I didn't but…"

Megumin wanted to speak, but a glare from the normally happy Yunyun made her keep her mouth shut. After a gin and tonic and two tissues, Petunia continued.

"Then came the dark days. There was...a war of some sort. I don't know. There were murders. Disappearances. Strange weather. I knew it had something to do with Lily's witches and wizards. I had just married Vernon, and wanted nothing to do with it. But when I did see Lily...she was so frightened. Scared. Told me to leave the country for a while. Gave us money for a long honeymoon. So we did. We left. Your...your grandparents died while we were gone. They said it was a gas leak. But I knew. It was Them."

Despite herself, Megumin could not manage to hold back a manic grin.

"Oh you would smile, you little maniac," Petunia hissed. "But don't you understand? Your parents didn't die in a car crash. That's just what the police said. What we told you. But it's a lie. They found her. They MURDERED my baby sister and her husband, and tried to kill you too! I remember you when we found you on our doorstep. That scar was still bleeding. Some devilry, I know it. And now they want you AND they want my precious daughter! Well, they can't have you! Either of you!"

"We'll go on holiday!" Vernon vowed. "They didn't find us when we went on holiday the last time. I'll take a week off of work. We'll go to the sea, at Brighton. Let this all blow over."

"No! Don't you see? This is my destiny!" Megumin stood, her hand pressed to her heart. "You go. I shall stay here, and fight off this terrible foe. They shall not catch me unawares! I shall prepare diabolical traps, and barricade myself in, turning this home into a fortress! I shall-"

"Megumin! Aren't you listening? These people are DANGEROUS! They'll kill you!" Yunyun said, grabbing Megumin and shaking her. "Your mum was some sort of witch, she had these weird powers, and they killed her and your dad, and...and gran and grandpa and-"

Yunyun broke down in sobs, and all Megumin could do was hug her cousin. Dread entered her heart, and she swallowed. Petunia was pale, and Vernon was dour and quiet.

"I...I guess going to the sea wouldn't be so bad," Megumin admitted, just a hint of fear in her voice.

Still, Megumin did attempt to hide in the house once the car was loaded up. Vernon found her after a frantic search, and carried her off to the car, throwing her in the back with Yunyun.

"You're bloody well going to the sea, and that's final!" Vernon snarled, sticking his finger in his furious niece's face.

"But I should stay behind! I must discover who sent the letter, and avenge my parents!" Megumin shouted back.

"Excuse me, is everything quite alright?" their neighbor, Ms. Figg asked, coming forward holding one of her many, many cats in her arms.

"Nothing, Arabella, just going on holiday," Vernon said, turning around and slamming the car door shut.

Megumin just rolled the window down, ready to continue her tirade.

"Oh, well, I saw the letters. Megumin getting ready for school? The letters looked very important. One for Yunyun as well?" Ms. Figg asked, sounding anxious.

"You KNOW!? She's one of THEM!" Megumin cried, and if it wasn't for Yunyun and her seatbelt, she would have launched herself at Ms. Figg. "I SHALL DESTROY YOU, YOU MISERABLE CREATURE! I SHALL VANQUISH YOU AND YOUR SHADOW CABAL OF WICKED WARLOCKS, GRINDING YOU INTO THE DUST, AND CASTING YOUR RUIN UPON THE MOUNTAINSIDE! I SHALL CARVE YOUR SKULLS INTO-"

That was as far as Megumin got, as a very frightened Vernon scrambled into the car, and they squealed off, the acrid stink of burned rubber filled the air.

"She...she was one of them," Petunia gasped, her hand clutching at her breast. "Vernon, I think she was-"

"We'll sell the house," Vernon vowed. "We'll find another neighborhood. One with perfectly ordinary people, and none of them." He turned in his seat, smiling at Yunyun. "Not to worry, my sweet. Daddy will protect you. I won't let one of Them get their hands on my daughter."

The drive to Brighton was long and boring, but it wasn't even noon when the Dursleys and Megumin arrived. They had to do a bit of searching to find a hotel with room, but once they had and had a bit of lunch, Vernon at least was calming down, and even Petunia was looking better. Megumin was still in a fine temper, however, muttering dark pronouncements at every opportunity and glaring from under her fringe of dark hair at the rest of her family.

"Megumin, don't be like that, you could have been killed!" Yunyun lectured.

"Better to die a free woman than live a slave!" Megumin muttered.

"You're not a slave. Now have some fish and chips, they're very good," Yunyun said, and shoved a basket along with some vinegar in Megumin's direction.

The next morning, Vernon made plans to go golfing, which Megumin happily pointed out was a complete waste of being at the sea. Petunia made plans to sit on the beach, and Yunyun desperately tried to make peace between her uncle and cousin who were having a row as usual.

Megumin had just insulted Vernon's favorite golf clubs, and Vernon had just threatened to tie Megumin up in the closet and gag her for good measure, when there was a tapping at the window. A moment later, it sprang open, and an owl fluttered into the room. Petunia began to scream in terror as Megumin cried out in delight.

"OH NO YOU BLOODY WELL DON'T!" Vernon bellowed as the owl alighted on Yunyun and Megumin's bedpost. Taking up his favorite driver, Vernon began to wildly swing at the owl.

Fortunately for the bird, Vernon's aim in the hotel room was nearly as bad as it was on the golf course, and he missed the owl, which hooted frantically and began to flap around the room, its wings silently beating at the air. Vernon continued to flail about with his golf club, smashing it into walls and furniture, as feathers from the owl spun through the air.

"Give it here, give it here!" Megumin cried, and the owl eagerly flung itself at her. She caught the bird, ducking Vernon's swing, which he pulled at the last moment, swearing and falling over as he desperately tried not to take his niece's head off. Megumin happily took the two letters, which were addressed to their hotel room. Then, to the owl's horror, she dropped it, scurrying off with the letters.

"Megumin, no!" Petunia cried. "Don't keep those, they might be cursed!"

"Excellent! I am prepared to weather any curse, no matter how foul! This is proof of my mystic might and importance!"

"Get back here you feathered menace!" Vernon raged, crawling after the owl as it hopped away from him frantically, hooting in panic. Chairs and tables were overturned, and Petunia and Yunyun shrieked in panic.

Thankfully, though Yunyun was frightened, she had a good head on her shoulders (unlike everyone else in the room besides the owl). Thinking quickly, she opened the door, and frantically waved at the owl. "Just go! Please!"

With a nod of thanks, the owl hopped out of the room, then took off before Vernon could stumble after it, missing his final swing with his now dented and bent driver.

"My best club," Vernon said mournfully, holding up the twisted hunk of metal.

"Megumin, don't read those, they're probably cursed!" Yunyun wailed.

"GIRL! GIVE ME THE DAMN LETTERS!" Vernon roared, charging back into the room.

After another scuffle which further destroyed the hotel room, Vernon took both the letters, ripped them to shreds, and threw them out of the window as Megumin shouted protests.

Before the family could figure out what to do next, the hotel manager appeared. "Right, what's all- Mother of God, what have you maniacs done to my hotel room?!"

"IT'S THEFT! HE'S KIDNAPPED ME AGAINST MY WILL!" Megumin screamed, pointing at Vernon.

The hotel manager gasped in horror, until Petunia spoke up.

"Oh do behave, child. Your uncle just saved your life! Sir, I demand a refund! A great menace of an owl just assaulted us, I nearly fainted in horror!" Petunia cried.

There was a great deal of shouting and swearing, with Megumin proclaiming she had been abducted, Vernon screaming about killing the next bloody bird he saw, Petunia demanding a refund, and the hotel manager screaming about his damaged property. In the end, the police were called.

"Right then, Mr. Dursley is your uncle and guardian. He can't abduct you, girl," the officer said in an exasperated tone to Megumin once he'd heard everyone's story.

"As for you, you destroyed this hotel room sir, and you'll have to pay for it. No, ma'am, no refunds. I don't care if a damned goblin showed up in this room, that's your husband's golf club that smashed the place. And thank you for the biscuits, Yunyun. They're quite lovely."

Yunyun beamed, but everyone else looked some variety of sullen and angry. Even the hotel manager. Dealing with Megumin was bad enough, but Petunia Dursley was a Karen before it was in vogue.

"If they found us here once, we'll just have to leave," Vernon snarled, and wrote out a cheque for the damages, but not before threatening to have his solicitor follow up.

This time, the Dursleys departed not for the seaside, but turned their car towards a place that would be truly miserable to live in. As they were already in England, they didn't have to go far.

After further consideration, Megumin decided that being on the lam and fleeing from a vague and menacing "them" who had mysterious powers and could kill people seemingly at will was sufficiently dark and terrible that she was now having a good time. While this improved Megumin and Yunyun's moods considerably, it did nothing for Vernon and Petunia.

They stopped at a fast food drive-in, ordering a meal full of grease and sodium that caused Yunyun to give her father worried looks.

"Don't start in on my health now, I'm going to die of a bloody apoplexy if we see one more of those damned owls, not some damned chips." Vernon growled around a mouthful of burger.

They made their way to the North of England, which according to the rest of England is the worst part, and according to the North everyone else can get stuffed. After a long and exhausting day, they found a tiny little inn and slept there for the night.

Early the next morning, Vernon awoke the family with loud swearing. "They're here! They've found us already!"

Outside along fences and telephone wires was a great flow of owls, all bearing letters. Megumin was thrilled and ran outside to angrily rant at and threaten the birds, much to their annoyance. One of them flew down to offer the mad girl a letter, only for her to strike a pose and intone,

"Darkness blacker than black, crimson redder than blood,
Rend now my soul and-"

Upon hearing those words, the owl dropped the letter in a panic and in a frantic flutter of wings beat a hasty retreat, hooting wildly. The rest of the owls dropped their own letters and abandoned their mission as well, all of them scattering throughout the countryside.

"HA! I win again!" Megumin crowed, flashing a "V" sign by her eye and grinning madly.

"How'd you do it?" Vernon demanded, stepping outside and squinting around at the fallen letters and floating feathers.

"They sensed my great mystic power, and when I threatened to unleash the dread of the curse held within my scar, the pitiful creatures fled, knowing they were outmatched!" Megumin proclaimed proudly.

"Hmm. Well, I think we'd best get something else, just in case. We are in the North. I'm sure I can get one somewhere," Vernon declared, and stomped off into the nearby village.

He returned chuckling and muttering to himself a few hours later with a long parcel under one arm.

"Vernon! You didn't!" Petunia gasped upon spying her husband. "What are we, Americans? I don't want one of those beastly things in the same house as our daughter. They kill people!"

"Guns don't kill people," Megumin said with a sniff.

"Well then what does?" Her aunt asked in exasperation.

"I do," Megumin said with a wide Cheshire grin.

"Bloody manic," Vernon muttered, but puffed out his chest. "Next time, I'll protect you, Love, and the girls. Now, everyone back in the car. They already know we're here. We'll have to find somewhere to lay low for a while. We're really going to the back of beyond this time."

After another exhausting drive, Megumin grinned and declared, "Yes, this is the perfect place to hide! Only barbarians who speak a black tongue that no mortal mind can comprehend reside here, and profane rituals are performed in every barnyard!"

"Megumin, they're just Welsh," Yunyun said in exasperation. "Ystradgynlais is a perfectly normal name."

"Sure, if you're secretly a demon from another world," Megumin agreed.

Somewhere, someone cackled madly in anticipation, at least until he was hushed and told to go back to taking inventory.