CR: Hello my dear readers. It's me again, after so many months, and for those that were expecting a future update of Game Time, fret not, it's coming soon, but for now, I fear to announce that it is currently in a hiatus, as all of my other fics are.
As for the existence of this fic, I am certain that many would curse my name or outright cut ties with me (If you're acquainted with me), but this fic is solely a way to have a mental break, and to have fun tormenting people. The title makes things very obvious as to what it is, so I won't bother explaining myself, and I can only say that it's best if you read it for yourselves... If you dare, that is.
This fic is pure Crack, so don't expect much seriousness from this as I fuck over the MHA world as the most despised character (Which, by the way, the hatred is grossly overrated). Either way, have fun reading.
On With The Show
For many, the idea of reincarnation is viewed in the same light as a fresh start; a great, new opportunity to replace the boring, day to day grind of the 'real world'. I, myself, used to be one of those people.
And now I stand corrected.
To add insult to injury, not only do I stand corrected on the very concept of reincarnation, but I also stand corrected on the facilitation of it. You know the trope; you're walking down the street minding your own business, perhaps on the way to your local convenience store, when a truck barrels through a red light and crashes into you.
For the weebs, this rather severe inconvenience is a chance to achieve their glorious dreams of becoming the protagonists of Anime-esque tales, morphing into the greatest badasses the world's ever seen, and/or their chance to become the Harem King of their wildest (and wettest) dreams.
That truck part at least, was true for me.
Unfortunately, my cause of death was probably, just maybe, entirely my fault because my dumbass thought waltzing around the streets with headphones in while I watched a video on my phone was a quote unquote, 'gOoD iDeA'.
Now in most Isekai stories, the protagonist gets smashed and wakes up in their chosen fantasyland no worse for wear. Me? I got launched about fifteen feet southwest, skidded across the asphalt for another five, and received compensation in the form of pain the likes of which I'd never felt before as my bones decided they didn't quite like God's given placement of them within my body.
If my parents had enough empathy to overcome my sheer idiocy, they'd probably be crying over the fact that I definitely wasn't going to have an open-casket funeral.
I know they said I shouldn't call myself an idiot because it wasn't true, but I believe it was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of Sherlock Holmes, who penned the immortal words: "When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
My dumbass watching Youtube in the middle of the street and getting killed because of it was pretty solid evidence in the 'idiot' category, I thought.
Now, you might be wondering how it is I'd come to the conclusion that I've been reincarnated. Am I checking out a new, interesting fantasy world with wide, disbelieving eyes? Have I spawned in the middle of an epic battle between the forces of good and evil?
To my chagrin, the answer is a solid 'no' for both options.
I know I reincarnated because I can feel my body sort of… suspended in a fluid I can move around in somewhat, my limited vision shows a very, very dark shade of pink, and kicking causes my foot to hit something firm yet stretchy, that particular action usually eliciting muffled noises from outside.
However, the biggest hint is perhaps the fleshy tube connecting to the spot where my belly button should be and the knowledge that my body was, somehow, incredibly small.
All signs pointed to that fleshy tube being an umbilical cord, and that meant I'd reincarnated as a fully self-aware baby.
Talk about winning the lottery, right?
That being said, I gotta say, being an unborn baby sucks. I missed the times where boredom could be solved by turning on my phone to read fanfiction, or watching, like, Netflix. I missed playing Fate/Grand Order and being a deadbeat gremlin dolphin that dumped a good portion of his salary into the Gacha.
Yes, I recognize I have (had?) a problem. I just couldn't bring myself to care.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I kicked, they wouldn't let me come out early. All I could do to stave off the boredom was sleep it away, and I was quite thankful I could at least do that because if I couldn't, I probably would've hung myself with this umbilical cord out of boredom.
Extreme and edgy? Yes. But I'd like to see you try and deal with the sheer boredom that was waiting to be born.
However, one night into my hellish new existence, just before I drifted off to sleep again I felt something draining from my prison, and I quickly realized my (new) mother's water had broken.
Which led me to right now, about to be born.
I was willing to count my blessings where I could. At least I wasn't stuck inside for very long, as I well could've been thrown into this process at the moment of my very conception.
I hated twenty-four hours of this. I couldn't even comprehend nine months.
Now, on the process of being born, goddamn, those screams were annoying.
Y'know what baby me loves? Shleep. You know what baby me wasn't getting because some doctor was screaming 'push' while the one birthing me screamed bloody murder at anything and everything nearby?
Shleep.
After a while, my legs were out, and I let out a (figurative) sigh of relief as I could finally stretch them a little bit.
Soon, it was my stomach, and the last thing that was left was my head. And so, with a final, aggravating, blood curdling scream from my mom, I was pushed out completely, and finally born.
'Now- FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! FUUUUUUUUUCK! NO GET THOSE LIGHTS OFF! OFF! IT'S TOO BRIGHT! TURN THEM OFF!'
Of course, that's what I would've said if I were still an adult. In baby-speak, that mostly translated to my lungs belching out as much noise as possible until I was picked up. It was at that moment that I toned down my crying to hear what the others were saying.
"Congratulations," a masculine tone cheered. "It's a boy!" Wait… Is it me, or was that Japanese? And how come I understood it perfectly, despite the fact that I most definitely didn't know Japanese?
…
Right, forgot for a moment that I'd been Isekai'd here. The answer was pretty obvious.
Cosmic bullshittery.
Oh well.
Okay, so, I was awake and aware, which meant the next logical step was to figure out exactly what world I was reincarnated in.
Looking around, I saw… a bunch of shapes.
'Goddamn eyes… STOP BEING BLURRY ALREADY! I WANNA SE— oh!'
Like a gift from above, I could magically see things now! As everything came into clarity, I was greeted by the sight of…
'Woah, momma…'
Now, I wasn't the most acquainted person with standard procedure after birth, but I was fairly certain the docs tended to hand the baby off to the mother once they were sure everything was A-OK with the kid.
To that end, the angelic, purple-haired beauty with sparkling amethyst eyes cradling me gently was likely my mother. I could immediately tell that this woman was drop-dead gorgeous in all senses of the world, and knew my (new) father was, without a shadow of a doubt, a lucky fucking bastard.
The hospital gown's light blues paired well with her fair, unblemished skin, and did very little to to hide her ample bosom.
Is it wrong for me to find the woman that birthed me sexy? You know what, I'm getting ahead of myself. Curse you, fetishes.
"So, what will you name him, Mineta-san?" Wait... did the doctor just say "Mineta-san"?
A sense of anticipation filled my being as I pieced together just what world I was reborn in, and my mother's response as she looked at me with an expression full of love and joy confirmed my suspicions.
"Minoru. Mineta Minoru will be his name."
Thus, I learned I'd been reborn into My Hero Academia, the show you either loved with a passion or hated with every fiber of your being, conveniently as the character both sides of the isle loved to hate.
This will be an… interesting new life indeed.
By now, nearly a full year has passed. And I got one thing to say about it: Being a baby sucks.
Not being able to go anywhere on your own, lacking the capability to communicate effectively, having a weak stomach that couldn't handle good stuff like solid food, and that wasn't even touching the childish garbage my mother put on the TV for me to watch.
The only real pro here was that I was being breastfed, which sounds wrong, but considering how I died a virgin…
Yeah, being reincarnated as Minoru might've been fairly accurate in more ways than one.
Speaking of my mother, whose name I learned to be Mineta Yorimitsu, I'd come to a rather startling realization. She bore a strong resemblance to Fate/Grand Order's Minamoto-no-Raikou, and much like the Yandere MILF herself, was very doting, strong, and self-assured. I didn't know many details beyond that, and I'd only gleaned that much by observing how she carried herself, but if I was asked to state a single attribute about her off the top of my head?
She's a slut. A massive slut.
Every night I could endure my tiny nature and will myself to stay awake long enough, without fail, I'd see her bring a different man home, and I'd be, uh, 'serenaded' by the sounds of her going to fucking town on whatever unlucky sap she'd brought home. Sometimes, she'd come back with multiple men, and, on some occasions, women.
For some reason, she brought home a lot of women in April. Why? I didn't know. I did know that those women left in the morning with a thousand-yard stare and lingering doubts about their sexuality.
Now, one would think a woman like her would never be able to handle the responsibility of properly raising a child, and would additionally be filled with every STD known to mankind.
I would normally agree.
However, to my surprise (and relief), Yorimitsu was incredibly diligent in her care of me, even going so far as to threaten those who got close if they seemed hostile. Considering how some of the guys who happened to see my crib if they were poking around the house reacted, that wasn't an uncommon occurrence.
On the health side of things, if her calendar was any indication, she visited a doctor weekly and always came back with a smile, so I was fairly certain she was alright in that aspect.
The one thing I'd never been able to piece together in nearly one year of re-existence was the identity of my father. While a constant curiosity in the back of my mind, in truth, that wasn't particularly important. I was still just one year old with a lot of room to grow (physically speaking). Plus, it's not like I could do anything about my mom's preferences just yet.
Ding-Dong!
Speaking of her preferences, I saw the purplette hurry towards the door as the bell rang; I couldn't see anything else from my position in the crib but when she came back, I could hear her cheerfully talking to someone.
For a moment, my hopes rose.
As a baby, it's not like I could really say anything for or against my mother's preferences. Really, I'd taken to just hoping she stuck with attractive people since she very clearly had the looks herself to raise the bar high.
Thus, taking in the sight of the big, beefy man tottering behind her as she sauntered towards her room kinda ruined my night.
"Eh?" he made a noise of confusion upon sighting me, the door to my room having been left open a crack. "What's with the baby?"
If I could, I'd glare at him, but as it was I just stared at him curiously like all babies do. Mom stepped between us and put her hand on my shoulder.
"Oh, that's my son," she easily responded. "Don't worry about him, he's all taken care of for the night and won't bother us. Now… how 'bout we go to bed? I've been waiting for this all day long and now I need your big, throbbing stick inside me~"
At my mother's salacious tone, the confusion on the man's face morphed into a lecherous grin, falling into step behind her as she waltzed towards her room, one hand grabbing a fistful of her ass.
I felt a spark of anger flicker inside me at the sight, before I let out a bubbly little baby laugh.
In my head, it was more of an evil cackle. But, y'know, baby.
For I… I had a plan.
That night was filled with lustful moans and cries of delight, as well as… cries of another kind. One man left hours later with the firm belief that they were cockblocked by a baby, and as for me?
I had a self-satisfied smirk plastered on my face.
Mother dearest thought I was 'adorkable' and snapped a picture.
A few days later, I'd decided my vocal cords had developed enough to attempt speech.
And by that, I meant my daily ritual of trying to say 'I have come to devour your souls, mortals' finally came to fruition.
It came out more like "Ah hbf cujm t'dviur ur suul mrtls!" but that was good enough for me. I certainly couldn't spit out full sentences yet, but I recalled that 'first words' were generally a pretty big deal for parents of all sorts, so I wanted it to be memorable for my caretaker.
Of course, I was going to say something appropriate for my first words, despite my desire to screw the pooch and open with some sort of nightmare fuel.
I giggled, imagining the look on her face if I whispered out some shit like 'He watches over me while you sleep, mommy. The Eyeless man.'
But I wasn't that cruel.
No, my first words were going to be the classic 'momma'. I'd heard her telling me, in her usual baby speak that all adults talked to children with, that the general time for first words was ages one to two.
Currently, I was sitting under the table banging blocks together (and NOT because it was fun, I was just dutifully maintaining my cover as a baby thank you very much) while my mom cooked lunch.
She was humming some tune I couldn't recognize, swaying those godly hips left and right. In moments like these, I was entirely unsurprised by the sheer number of people she brought home to fuck.
I still felt like that creep in that one Isekai anime where the main character lusted after his own mom and for the children, but goddamn were those thighs mesmerizing.
Deciding now was as good a time as any, I made some small whining noises and succeeded in grabbing her attention.
Dutifully, she took the pot she was fussing over off the burner and turned to regard me, cooing at my (reportedly) cute face. "Aww, what's wrong Mino-chan?" she babbled, scooping down under the table to cradle me, rocking softly as she stood up.
"Don't worry, Kaa-chan is here to take care of you no matter what, okay? So calm down for Kaa-chan, okay? Can you do that baby? Can you do that for Kaa-chan? I think you can!" she cheered, punctuating every few words with a boop on my nose.
I spit out some, well, spit, which she kindly wiped away with a finger and continued babbling little reassurances at me.
"K-Kaa-tan!" I blurted out, managing not to butcher it horribly.
The woman immediately froze, her amethyst irises widing considerably before a cheshire cat grin broke out on her face. Perhaps with a bit more force than what should've been applied to a human child, she squeezed me against her bountiful chest and jumped for joy, squealing in delight.
"EEE! Ah, my baby! Your first words! I-I'm so happy! Just wait here, Mino-chan! Kaa-chan needs to get the camera!" She exclaimed, setting me down in my booster seat at the table and prancing off to grab her phone.
While she did that, I mulled over both her reaction and the pang of guilt that surged through my being. I'd never seen her so happy before, about, well anything. It was times like this that really hammered home for me that this woman was not just a mother, but my mother, which was a… rather jarring transition from my perception of her as a very attractive, and very slutty woman.
Not that there was anything wrong with being promiscuous, especially since she was being safe, but… y'know.
It was just such a startling difference in personality that I resolved to figure out the 'why' of how she came to be like that one day.
I was snapped out of my musings when she returned with the camera. "I'm back, baby! Now come on, Mino-chan! Say it with me: 'Kaa-chan!'. Say 'Kaa-chan!', sweetie! You can do it!" She gushed, a megawatt smile on full display.
Putting my thoughts aside, I repeated those 'first' words for my beaming mother.
"Kaa-chan!"
Her past could wait until later.
After saying my first words, I started showing more of my intelligence. Spoke more, started enunciating things more clearly, solved the little toy puzzles she kept buying for me with incredible ease, etc.
Plus, as I started getting used to my new body mass and my muscle development finally started to kick in, it wasn't terribly difficult to start walking which impressed her greatly.
My mother's awe at my development slowly began to morph into shock, since she obviously didn't expect her child to be a probably soon-to-be-verified genius. My increasing vocabulary was apparently the most abnormal thing for her, as my ability to 'miraculously' string together basic sentences baffled her.
Of course, now that I could control my vocal cords, I could probably belch out an entire shakespearean play at this point, but I didn't want to push her buttons that much. Mostly, I stuck to walking in on her watching TV and repeating the words the people said.
Occasionally, I even pretended to mess up.
Y'know. For realism.
It wasn't incorrect to say that Canon Mineta was smart, especially since he was placing like, 9th or something in his class for the midterm exams, so I choose to believe I wasn't doing anything too unbelievable here.
The only problem Canon Mineta had was that he was so dead set on trying to score some pussy that he didn't shine anywhere else.
Also, Hori never did him any favors with the lack of character development.
But, hey. He wasn't the main character, and was probably just included for comic relief. Keeping him two-dimensional wasn't really an intentional part of his character, so much as it was just a lack of interest in expanding upon him.
I recalled the fans of My Hero, those that hated him or relentlessly bashed his character for no good reason other than to appease their own pettiness. Personally, I could never understand the bashing, given that many other characters were just as bad if not worse than him, yet he was the one everyone hated.
In some of the fics I read, people would redeem him and give his character, y'know, an actual character, which I appreciated, but then there were others who used him as nothing more than the butt of their jokes.
There was, however, a third category.
Mineta Self-Inserters.
Of that third category, I believed myself to be the club president of, and I crown myself this knowing full well that as a bonafide, real-life Mineta Self-Inserter, I was running unopposed.
All of the Mineta inserter fics I read shared one thing in common, and that was that they always tried to remedy his behavior by acting differently from how canon Mineta would.
By that, I meant they acted like a normal human being instead of a porn-bot given sentience.
Recently though, I've been pondering this reality. This concept, as it were. By acting normally… they were taking the one thing away from Mineta that made him Mineta. Removing the perversion just turned him into another background character like Ojiro.
Thus, I had an idea.
Why take away the core aspect, when you could just manage it correctly instead? I was a pervert even before I took over him, a very cursed one at that, as any of my former acquaintances (there's no way I can call them friends without having spent private time with them) would attest to. However, I was always one to hide my perviness unless I was around someone who tolerated my presence.
Why couldn't I just do the same now?
Currently, mom was taking me to the Quirk doctor, as my hair formed the infamous purple balls overnight, and I knew what was coming.
"Well, Mineta-san, it is clear that your son has a Quirk, a very interesting one at that." The doctor, an old man with balding hair and glasses, spoke. He kind of reminds me of All For One's doctor, Ujiko, if my memory serves me right.
I froze when I realized that tidbit. But I couldn't focus on that now.
"Oh? What would his Quirk entail, then? I was quite curious when I saw his hair transform." I was snapped out of my musings by my mom's query, which prompted the doctor to continue.
"From what the tests provided, your son's Quirk is a Mutation Type, manifesting as the spheres on his head." He pointed at my head, which was filled with balls. One thing I did appreciate was that the balls didn't form a row in the form of a mohawk, like Canon, but rather, they were more spread out, like a bush or a bundle of bubble foam wrapped into a ball, if that makes sense. It reminds me of my hair in my previous life.
"Those spheres have sticky properties that can adhere to anything that it touches, with the clear exception being himself; in fact, the spheres seem to have the consistency of rubber as long as he holds them. That is all we could gather from the tests. Any further developments would need to be revised with me, if you don't mind." The elder finished, the last part catching my attention.
I won't lie, the idea of having my progress monitored makes me feel a little bit iffy, mostly because it's something that I don't quite appreciate, but considering how we're dealing with Quirks, I was willing to swallow my hesitation.
Readily, Mom shook her head in agreement. "Not at all, doctor; I think it'd be the best option too, right, Mino-chan?" She responded, turning to me at the end and I nodded. The doctor smiled, bringing up his notepad.
"Very well then, that just leaves one thing." He said, then looked at me straight in the eye. "What do you want to call your Quirk, son?" The man inquired, and I smiled, not even needing to think of what I'd call my Quirk.
"Pop-Off! I wanna call it Pop-Off!" I beamed, making the two adults chuckle at my enthusiasm.
Things afterwards were not very interesting, so I'll just summarize it. After my Quirk was registered as [Pop-Off], the doctor bid us farewell, and now mom and I were going back home on the metro. Currently, the two of us were sitting down on a free seat, with her holding me on her lap and my head leaning on her two heavenly globes, which was earning glances from many dudes, and the occasional woman too. I attempted my scariest glare in a bid to ward them off, but they either didn't notice or didn't care.
Mom squeezed my hand, making me glance up at her smiling face. "Well, Mino-chan, now that your Quirk has appeared, what would you like to do?" She asked, and I looked down to think about it.
I never really thought about what I'd do once I got my Quirk, only about how I'd behave now that I was Mineta. On one hand, I could probably try to live a normal life, try to get a job when I became an adult, hook up with someone, the usual stuff. On the other hand, I could just as easily choose a life of action, indulging in insanity the likes of which only militants and criminals dared trek upon.
A life of Heroism, or Villainy.
I was well aware of both sides of the equation. On one hand, by serving the Heroes, I run the risk of being controlled by the Heroic Public Safety Commission, perhaps even being caught in the crossfire of the Ancient Scaffold (like two kids fighting, but with superpowers and the reluctance to accept help on both sides).
On the other, I could become a criminal, and if I remembered correctly, become labeled as a Villain through using my Quirk to assist in any criminal endeavors. I'd be the scum of the earth, and I'd most definitely be caught in the crossfire if I decide to join the most influential group (that being, eventually, the League of Villains).
However, a realization came to mind, and I couldn't keep the grin off my face.
I was a Self-Inserter, one with knowledge of the future and of the past, one with the creativity and capacity to think outside the box if needed, and the superpowers to give me the freedom to do as I please. Why should I care about sides? Why should I have to bind myself to a set of rules when I can just follow my moral code? Why settle for the sidelines when I can be at the front? A decision was made at that very moment, and I gave my mom a response.
"I wanna be someone the whole world remembers! I want greatness!" I proclaimed, entirely uncaring of the confused looks many of the oglers sent my way.
I'll befriend whoever I want, I'll make an enemy of whoever I want; you piss me off and I'll spite you unabashedly. For the Mineta haters, I do this to spite you, for the Mineta lovers, let's hope that you enjoy this trek.
I am Minoru Mineta, and this…
… Is my Self-Insert Clusterfuck in the world of My Hero Academia