35They'd obviously done a piss poor job of hiding their feelings for one another, especially from his wife. The status quo of their partnership was maintained through the process of denial. No crying in baseball and all that. But in a job with such high emotional currency, getting attached to one's partner was an obvious inevitability.
Thankfully Bell hadn't taken long to show up. Olivia was relieved to see her and the tall, solid-looking friend who scooped up her former partner before he could make any more world-shattering admissions. After he'd collapsed onto the sofa, it became much easier to pry his hands off of her so she could make the call to Ayanna.
His hands.
God. Why did he have to touch her? Why did he have to come to her that night as if she doesn't have enough to deal with?
They used to be professionals at not saying things to one another. What she hadn't realized is how obvious they were to anyone outside their little bubble.
To Kathy.
She hadn't seen or talked to any of the Stabler clan in a fucking decade. Yet, not only didn't his wife believe that to be true, she was so insecure in their marriage that she had Elliot pen his name to a page of hurtful lies.
Olivia was never anything but nice to the woman.
Sent him home time and again with all ten fingers and toes. And other than a very rare hug between them, Olivia had managed to keep her hands and the rest of her body parts to herself.
"We were happy."
If that were true then his wife didn't trust that Elliot was. Because that letter, Kathy's letter, was meant to be given to Olivia after her award ceremony. It was supposed to be a big "fuck you and have a nice life," before they got their asses back on a plane to Rome.
Two months have gone by since that night. It's been over sixty days since she's seen his face or heard his voice, felt the ghost of his rough fingertips across the delicate skin of her face. Bell has kept her in the loop so she knows his UC is over and he barely made it out with his life. The sergeant didn't believe Elliot when he'd insisted he was fine after being checked out at the hospital, promising to see his shrink as soon as possible.
So, Bell had called Olivia the second she'd dropped Elliot off at his new apartment.
"He needs you," she'd said. "I know you're not the biggest fan of OC because of how things went down with Navarro and the FBI, but if anyone can ground him back into his life Captain Benson, it's you."
Olivia thinks Bell suspects, like everyone else whose ever been in the same room with them, that their former partnership was closer than most. More intimate than colleagues should've been.
"She means a lot to you…Captain Benson."
"Yeah well. Partners for a lot of years."
Bell doesn't know the half of it.
The codependency that ran so deep Cragen had them evaluated by a shrink. Olivia delivering Eli and saving Kathy's life. Urging Bernie to convince Kathleen to get help. Elliot putting a fed detail on Olivia to protect her. Following her as she searched for Simon. Giving Olivia the option of letting Vivian Arliss run so she could've had the chance at having custody of Calvin.
"…and look how great you turned out."
"I'd give you a kidney."
"I'm your partner, for better or worse."
"In a parallel universe, it will always be you and I."
And Ayanna certainly doesn't know what occurred before Olivia had called her that night.
"Liv."
"Hey," she rasped, catching him before he fell.
He'd reached up to touch her hair, skimmed her lower lip, almost putting his thumb into her mouth. She'd gasped from the unexpected contact. There was a moment between them as he eyed her from the position at her feet but she knew it had to be ignored like other similar moments in their past.
Instead, she'd leaned down, wrapping her arms around his back to help him stand.
"Let's get you up."
What Olivia hadn't anticipated, was him putting his mouth against hers once he'd found his footing. As drugged as he was, she was stunned not only by the act but his accuracy. Elliot's lips were warm and surprisingly soft. Her eyes closed from sheer instinct and what she felt in those few seconds, was the reason she'd been so careful not to touch him during their twelve-year partnership.
Instant desire and the need for more of him.
Olivia quickly pulled away as if she'd been burned. His glazed blue eyes told her it was the right decision. A sober Elliot wouldn't have reached for her let alone kissed her.
"Let's get you to the couch," Olivia had said, maneuvering his hips to lay him down. "I have to call Bell."
The second she stepped away he was reaching for her again.
"Please…don't leave me."
In that moment, it was a struggle not to hear the irony in his plea. The hypocrisy.
"I'm not leaving, El," she'd promised. "Just…rest. Okay?"
He gave a near imperceptible nod, surrendering the fight to keep his eyes open.
After that night, their status quo was obliterated and neither will be able to maintain the façade that their former partnership was ever strictly platonic.
She grabs two chicken gyros from a food cart on her way to his place at 12:45pm on a Tuesday, knowing Eli would be in school and Fin could hold down the fort for an hour. After she knocks twice and waits for several minutes, Olivia is stepping away when an out of breath, sweaty and shirtless Elliot flings the door open sans beard. He's in bare feet with gray sweat pants rolled at the knees.
Keeping her eyes from roaming is more than a challenge.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I was working out, had the music on and –
"If this is a bad time I can –
"—No, no," he says stepping to the side and leaving the door open for her. "I'm just gonna take a quick shower and then I'll be right out," he adds. "Make yourself at home."
Olivia tries not to stare as he rushes off but fails miserably. Thankfully, her stomach reminds her that she grabbed lunch for a reason. She tries several cabinets in his kitchen before finding a stack of napkins and some glasses for water.
Seven minutes later he's approaching the small dining table in well-worn jeans and a gray V-neck sweater with the sleeves pushed up.
"When you said quick…"
"Don't worry," he says, stopping to sniff an arm pit. "I was thorough."
"Charming," she tells him. "I think I miss the beard."
He smirks and joins her at the table, noticing her gyro's half gone.
"Glad you didn't wait on my account."
She shrugs and takes another bite before chasing it with her glass of water.
"I'm short on time and long on hunger," she explains. "Wasn't gonna stand on ceremony."
He shakes his head and smiles, reaching for his own food.
"Thanks for this," he says. "I haven't had the time to hit a market yet."
"I get the feeling Eli is more used to take-out when he's here anyway," she points out, finishing her sandwich and reaching for a napkin. "So…you're back to being Elliot Stabler. How's that going?"
"If Bell sent you here to make sure I keep my promise to go to therapy…the appointment's at 3 o'clock."
"Good…that's, that's a step in the right direction."
"Wow."
"What?"
"The last time you said that to me I'd just signed my divorce papers," he reminds her. "Seems like a lifetime ago."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—
"It's okay," he tells her. "You tried harder than I did to keep my marriage together back then," he adds. "All of our lives would be so different if I had just…had the courage to tell you –
"— Don't. Eli wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have Noah," she interrupts. "Things are exactly as they're supposed to be, Elliot," she goes on. "Kathy got one thing right though. We got in each other's way. We were too complacent."
"You really believe that?"
"I have to," she says, standing to gather their trash. "Otherwise, my anger for you just grows and I'll never be able to forgive you…or Kathy."
"It's not her fault I didn't say goodbye, or talk to you for a decade or ghost you for three months while I was under with the Albanians or…let you believe that what we were to each other wasn't real," he asserts. "All of that is on me, Liv."
She rests her back against the counter as she looks over at him, arms crossed against her chest.
"Why would you let me think…I've only ever respected your marriage," she begins. "You signed that letter knowing you were going back to Rome as if…reading those contradictory statements were supposed to give me some type of closure."
"Liv I –
"— I'm not done," she says, cutting her eyes at him. "Kathy wasn't trying to be helpful, Elliot. It was obvious that she didn't trust you and was insecure in your marriage," she adds. "Why else would she have dictated those words?"
"I don't know," he admits. "I thought we were genuinely happy in Italy," he says, standing. "It was her idea to go to your award ceremony."
"Did you talk about me?" She asks, stepping out of the kitchen. "When you were in Rome?"
His eyes leave hers. Of course, he did.
"When we first got there, she saw…how restless I was in retirement," he informs her. "How miserable," he adds. "And she didn't believe it was just because I wasn't working anymore," he continues. "Kathy said I seemed…"
Olivia steps closer to him, the movement garnering his attention once again, meeting her eyes.
"Seemed, what Elliot?"
"Heartbroken."
"God. No wonder she didn't believe you never reached out."
"We'd gone to counseling the first six months after we got there," he tells her. "Became closer than we'd been in a long time. After a year it was like the honeymoon we never got to have," he goes on. "But when I returned to NYPD, worked International Sex Trafficking, I couldn't help but talk about you again…draw parallels to the cases we'd worked together," he continues. "For God's sake you and I were a continent apart, Liv. I don't know why she didn't trust me…or our vows."
"So that letter was supposed to give her closure…not me," she realizes. "By signing your name, it proved to Kathy that you agreed with the 'what we were to each other was never real' portion," she adds. "And you could go back to Rome to live happily ever after while I was left devastated…again…to believe that every memory I had of us was…all in my head?"
"We both know it wasn't."
"But you signed it, Elliot!" She screams as tears pool in her eyes. "You signed it," she repeats, calmly. "I said you were the single most important person in my life and you still signed that letter and gave it to me," she reminds him, swiping her tears away.
Olivia moves to the table to gather her things.
"I'm tired," she tells him. "If seeing my face would've prevented you from leaving ten years ago, you could've written your own damn letter then," she adds. "You just keep…hurting me…and my armor is a little too weak right now to do this with you. I'm done, Elliot."
Olivia moves towards the door but Elliot is quick behind her, grabbing her bicep. Wearily, she turns to face him.
"Liv, I give you my word I –
"—Your word means nothing to me anymore."
His hand drops away from her arm and he looks as if he's been slapped.
"You gave it to me before I stupidly let you interrogate the guy you thought caused Kathy's death," she reminds him. "And again, when we were after Navarro," she points out. "You've made it crystal clear that trusting you is not an option."
"You can, Liv," he asserts. "I promise you, you can."
She gives him a sad smile but turns to leave.
"You have your kids, you have your own shrink and you have a new squad," she says. "You don't need me for support, Elliot," she continues. "So…check in with your kids, with Bell. She's worried."
It confirms for him it's the reason she's there in the first place.
"I still need you, Liv."
"After you left, I gained people who became my family, got stronger, and as painful as it was…I figured out your abrupt departure from my life wasn't the end of the world," she says. "And at least you'll never have to worry about where or how I am," she adds. "Goodbye, Elliot."
"Liv, please."
"I have nothing else to say."
"But I do."
Elliot rushes towards her and before she can protest, his hands are cradling her face and his lips are descending onto hers. There is nothing tame about the kiss they've both fantasized about for over two decades. He nibbles her lower lip before dipping his tongue into her mouth, causing her to gasp as it deepens.
Of their own accord, her arms find their way around his waist. There is no light left between them as she finally and blissfully surrenders to temptation.
When he pulls back to let her breathe, her lips are swollen, her face is flushed and they're both nearly hyperventilating.
"Fuck a parallel universe, Olivia," he manages. "I want it to be you and me in this one."
She drops her arms from around his waist and steps back to create distance. Her intention in coming there was to check on him for Bell. Not to have a deep conversation. Not to permanently sever their personal connection. And certainly not to kiss him.
"I uh…I need to get back to the squad."
"Liv?"
And with that, she hurried out of his apartment, down the hall and into the elevator. Once she makes it to the ground floor, she places two calls. One to Fin, letting him know she's on her way back. The other…to Dr. Lindstrom.