Hello, my name is Roxas. Yea, like the video game character. My parents are really big fans of the Kingdom Hearts games but I've never actually played them. They said that I wasn't old enough to truly appreciate them so i've always had this vague idea of what they're like but nothing more. That was all gonna change today.
Today I turned 14, so as a gift my parents said I was finally old enough to try out kingdom hearts, because I was the same age as Sora. Who after booting up the game I found out was the main character. First there was this long extended dream sequence and some music, it was confusing but it was actually pretty cool. At least what I could make out, the sound kept messing up on the old box shaped tv my parents insisted I use to play it. To get the "true experience."
Eventually the game got started and it was pretty fun. It took me awhile to find all the items on destiny island because the tv was really small and grainy. The gameplay was clunky too. I about threw my controller when Riku beat me in the race and got to name the boat. Just because I barely missed one jump at the very end. agh! eventually I got the hang of the gameplay, and made it off the island. I was surprised to see Donald and Goofy in the next town, I had no idea this was a Disney game because my copy didn't have a case. I just thought it was an rpg. I can see why my parents like it so much now. Our house is full of old disney memorabilia and they've been protesting outside the orlando Disney world gates the last few months until recently when they opened back up, despite record high covid numbers in Florida. They told me "son, you can't get sick at disney. It's magic"
Since they were there again today, having won the protest. I had the whole day to myself to keep playing.
Hours later I was really getting into the game. Though I got stuck again on Tarzans level because the final boss fight was bullshit, i mean, how am I supposed to see the stupid lizard or tell what's going on, on this old tv. Clayton is just flailing around shooting me with an actual rifle.
I probably heard Tarzan say "ooh ooh ooh ooh ah, not clayton" a hundred times in the cutscene leading up to the fight.
Looking it up the ps3 port had the ability to skip cutscenes so I called my dad to see if we had that version laying around. I mean I was only a few hours in I could just start over. Dad was on the way home with mom and said something like "yes yes we have it, but no you can't play it! the final mix heartless designs are ugly and ruin the spirit of the original. I don't care if Nomura says they're canon. They're not. If I catch you asking that again it's your ass. And don't even get me started on the epic store deal I.." *the sound of oncoming traffic overtook the phone line and it went silent*. Oh well.
On the bright side, it was pretty cool that in Deep Jungle they let you swap out a side character for Tarzan. He was really strong and would wipe whole groups of enemies, he was especially good compared to donald who would only occasionally spit out some useful magic, but would mostly just flail around and ask to be healed.
Eventually I leveled enough to see health bars and it gave me the confidence to beat the big invisible lizard monster. As we entered the next world, Weirdly enough, Tarzan was still in my party. I mean he was pretty helpful and it was better than donald, but it seemed like I had more party members it just wouldn't let me select. I saw them in the party menu but I couldn't move the cursor around. My permanent party was Sora, Goofy, and Tarzan.
When we got to other worlds it didn't quite seem like Tarzan belonged. in Agrabah he just floated in an A pose where Genie was supposed to be, I think. The characters would talk to Genie as if he was there, and Tarzan would just shift in their direction and make ape noises until it was time for them to speak again.
Then In Atlantis he didn't transform like Sora who became a Dolphin, or Goofy who became a turtle. He just swam around as his normal self, he had one of those cheap dollar store diving masks and was basically holding his breath for the entire level. It was pretty funny, I mean there's no way he could hold his breath that long. Though I could have done without seeing his realistically textured dick and balls when you swim behind him. When we first saw Ariel he pitched a massive tent, but he didn't seem to care or try and cover up.
Overall the game was pretty fun and I was having a good time. But everything changed when we got to Halloween Town. To my chagrin, it was not the disney channel original movie Halloween town featuring Kimberly J Brown as Marney Piper. But, rather the nightmare before christmas movie world. That wasn't really THE issue per say, but it was an issue. No, the issue was Tarzan again.
Sora and Goofy's costumes here were really cool, I especially liked sora's vampire bat wings and pumpkin mask. Goofy has a patchwork zombie look too that was a nice change of pace. However, Tarzan's only change was a black loincloth. As soon as he spawned in his eyes turned red and he ran screaming to the next area.
OK that was it, something was really really weird. I mean I didn't even HAVE a third party member anymore. Was this really the right version of the game?
I got up and went to my parents room. they were home now and wrestling loudly so I just banged on the door until someone came over to it. When dad opened the door dripping in sweat he was dressed as Axel, and mom as Saix. I know this because sometimes they also wear these outfits to dinner and tell me with great importance anytime I looked in their general direction. As if I was supposed to be able to tell the difference when they were both just wearing black cloaks and nothing else. Apparently these were kingdom hearts 2 characters who mom described as "very important to their healthy marriage after dad cheated on mom at megacon with a Larxene cosplayer." An event Dad told me in private was also very important to their marriage. To him
anyways I explained that Tarzan was the only assist character I could use in every world, and that in Halloween Town his costume was just a missing texture loincloth and red eyes. Dad explained that they provided me with a modded disc, where I could always use the best side character, and that Donald was only really any good in the late game anyways, and since goofy leveled faster he was more viable if I really think about it.
I just asked if he could let me use a regular copy so I could play with Jack Skelington. He seemed to mull this over, mumbling that jack skellington was also pretty cool. Then shook his head and said "no no no, maybe after you finish it the first time." then he shut the door. So I went back to my room. and resumed my saved game.
In the first cutscene as we entered Halloween town. Tarzan was running around killing enemies in the background, and when jack appeared Tarzan just started screaming over the dialogue. this was really distracting because I couldn't hear Jack talk, but I pressed on. Tarzan just wasn't in the level very much after that, he must have ran off somewhere. After we collected the items to make a heart, when we got to the cutscene with the doctor, Tarzan spawned in to the room and began to jump around on the bed yelling in the background.
The doctor didn't seemed phased, though he did cringe when Tarzan knocked all his equipment to the floor, covering it in broken glass. And started jumping on it and howling, both in excitement and excruciating pain. Having Hurt his feet Tarzan began running around the room trailing blood everywhere. Then jumped up to swing from the various machines and beat his chest, shitting on the bare countertops and yelling in vulgar half curse words, causing his nonsense monkey dialogue to overlap with the professors. making the professor's speech bubbles completely unreadable. The professor got so mad his head popped, and he fell to the floor. Tarzan hobbled over and began teabagging his body.
Eventually lock shock and barrel ran in to steal the artificial heart the professor had created, and Tarzan chased after them with wild eyes. Sora and the gang followed after them, but for the next few areas Tarzan was nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately he was still "technically" in my party so the next few battles were tough with only two party members. all the ranged enemies were pretty annoying because goofy kept jumping at them uselessly and falling off the ledge missing his mark.
Eventually we got to the fight with lock shock and barrel, but when we wlaked in, tarzan was just chasing them around really fast as they screamed in fear. Every time he'd get close enough to touch them their life bar depleted little by little. Eventually they collapsed and tarzan threw them off the tower. The heart was sitting on the floor so Sora picked it up and we proceeded upstairs to the boss battle.
The fight with boogie began. But as soon as he began to cackle, Tarzan wordlessly ran up with blood red eyes and stuck his hands in Boogies mouth, grabbing handfuls of bugs and eating bugs screamed in fear and scattered, Tarzan chasing after them.
Then the music stopped and Sora looked around. the keyhole opened in the sky. Sora jumped up and did the closing animation, and the world ended just like that. When we got back to the Gummi ship, Tarzan was gone. Sora breathed a sigh of relief, when just then Tarzan came crawling up to his seat on all fours. His eyes were no longer red and his loincloth was back to normal. Maybe that was just his look in that level.
I didn't really want to play anymore for now. this mod was really stupid. My parents had just stopped wrestling and I heard my dad collapse and yell "got it memorized."
I had no idea what that could possibly mean, but i'm sure i'd find out in kingdom hearts 2. the end.