90 Mad Titan

"We really shouldn't do this." I said, "It's going to burn bridges with people you care about and unless you are really dedicated to this working out long term, you are going to want those relationships intact. I am cool with being some fond memory of a wild youth, I've been that for lots of people. But if you introduce your literal demon giant space lizard lover to your practicing Catholic parents there is no way things go well."

"Grunt." Jean sighed, "We aren't doing this to get their approval." she shook her head, "We are doing this to give them the chance to be a part of what I want my future to be for however long they can be."

"Okay." I breathed out, then opened a portal to the front of Jean's childhood home, "You're sure that you really want to sign on for the lifestyle of an interdimensional gypsy? I know how intense the attraction is, but are you really going to be down for when we come too after the feeding frenzy, when you have to hold on to who you are so you don't get swept away by someone else's life, when we bite off more than we can chew?"

"I think we can chew a lot." Jean smirked as she walked through the portal to ruin her relationship with her parents.

"It's not always enough." I sighed while thinking about the names on my belt.

Holding Jean afterwards wasn't fun.

It was normal high school bullshit and X-chicanery until Logan and I took a motorcycle trip that got interrupted by Shield. I was fucking psyched until white Nick Fury stepped off the attack helicopter. Not that white Nick Fury wasn't still cool, just been a while since I last ran into Sam Jackson. He needed us to track down Magneto cause the guy stole a back up set up for the shit that made Captain America. Professor X nearly creamed his shorts when he found out that there existed a device capable of pumping out Captain Lookalikes. He stopped moaning long enough to use cerebro to accomplish jack shit in finding Magneto. I'd have slapped the stupid off of Logan if this wasn't required set up for Rogue to reveal that she knew the approximate location of Mags' secret base via prior contact stolen memories.

She and her pal Nightcrawler would have been able to talk their way onto the mission because of Magneto completely ensphereing his base in metal, but a quick application of demigod fire breath would get us through any metallic defenses.

We burned through Mags' defenses and found the guy inside the Captain America chamber. Sabretooth was there too, but the guy started running as soon as he saw me then Mags delivered his heartfelt plea to let him use the chamber to make himself young again.

I laughed before killing him with fire.

"This is why we don't take you on missions." Wolverine grumbled as we went home.

"Cause you guys don't like results." I chuckled, "The dude was a terrorist, and Uncle Sam will be thrilled that the dude is crispy enough to need a dental ID."

The payoff to participating in this bullshit was that I got to meet the Capsicle. Worth it.

"Grunt, I am afraid that I must inform you of a very troubling occurrence." Professor X interrupted Jean's trip to pound town to speak through my door, "May I come in?"

"I am very busy right now." I answered, "Ahh, polishing my hammer?"

"Was that a question or a statement?" Charles asked, "The tone made that quite confusing. Either way, I am coming in."

Jean managed to pull a blanket over her torso, but that left her legs exposed as they wrapped around my hips and I held her up with the strength of my erection.

"Ah, engaging in extracurricular activities." Charles graciously looked away, "How very High School. Unfortunately one of my patients, a girl who proved too unstable to allow into High School Therapy has escaped the asylum."

"And this is my problem, how?" I asked as I thrust my hips causing Jean to gasp in surprise and pleasure.

"She has developed a recent obsession with you after I informed her of Magneto's death at your hands." He sheepishly kicked his foot, "Anyway, unstable reality warper heading your way and I have an express flight to a conference on the other side of the world. Good luck, have fun!"

Charles can really book it for a man his age.

"Any plans for dealing with this?" Jean asked.

"Nut first. Crazy bitches later." I shrugged.

Everything was going great until Charles got back, had a panic attack about Wolverine going missing and invited the Brotherhood of Mutants to join the X-Men without telling me.

I made my way down to the kitchen for a midnight snack with pep in my step, a song in my heart, and the juices of sexual warfare shining on my cock. I assembled a sandwich of victory and as I raised it up for consumption a chill crawled up my spine.

"Hello beautiful." a feminine voice nearly moaned.

As I looked down to my sandwich I knew my work wasn't done. I turned to face the interloper, sword in hand and asked, "We doin this?"

"Fuck the hell yes." answered the Scarlet Witch, naked aside from her trench coat, "Now lightly choke me while you describe how you killed my father."

I sighed and impaled the crazy bitch on my cock.

The things I do for my country.

Turns out it was the right call to bring in the Brotherhood as Wolverine's disappearance was the start of the Sentinel Program. I had forgotten that and only found out on the news broadcast of the X-Men getting slapped around by a giant robot. It goes to show how little respect I get around here that Charles took the rambunctious terrorists trained by Magneto on the mission but left Team Eat'em on the bench. Or what was left of the bench after the damn mansion exploded.

The team showed back up after they beat the robot and Mystique revealed that it was her all along posing as Charles. She blew up my crib and she laughed in my face right up until an oversized blood red arm sprouted out of my back and swiped its oversized claws down her form, turning her into something resembling lasagna.

A lot of kids puked after that.

"You fucking monster!" Scott yelled, "Now we will never know where she took the Professor!"

"You win some, you lose some, kid." I chuckled as I pulled out a plasma auto cannon from the wreckage, "But nobody laughs in my face about pulling one over on me."

"There is no place for people like you with us!" Scott shouted and the sentiment was taken up by lots of other voices.

"Fine by me." I chuckled as I lifted rubble off of the Good Evening, "I was planning to hit the UK soon anyways to check up on some shit. Might as well make the move permanent.

After we loaded up all our shit in the family hover vehicle Jean and Wanda jumped in.

"Jean!" Scotts voice cracked, "Are you really going to go with this fucking murderer?"

"Does it look like I am planning something different?" She asked incredulously.

Never seen a dude look so crushed.

We ended up funding our British invasion by taking missions for Shield. It was an easy sell to get us on the payroll. After all, what could Shield possibly want with four super soldiers with advanced tech, a telepath, and a reality warper. The answer is a lot of dead terrorists and supervillains.

In mid June it was time to check out Number 4 Privet drive. According to the calendar little Harry should be locked up in Durzkaban for the summer after his first year at Hogwarts. You can imagine my immense surprise when I rolled up at breakfast time Saturday morning and the door was answered by Vernon Dursley sporting a shiner and some missing teeth.

"Oh God, it's another one!" he shrieked and fell over, likely dying of heart attack.

"Another one?" I mouthed.

Little Harry Potter did not emerge next, instead it looks like this kid ate Harry Potter and used all the meat to build his body in a temple of iron.

"You lift, bro?" He asked.

Do I lift?


I tore my shirt off and FLEXed every glorious head of muscle in my body though a series of poses revealing a deific physique that rumbled like distant thunder with each muscular contraction.

"Nice. You might be as big as The Thick Daddy." he commented, "You guys should lift together."

Who is the Thick Daddy and why the fuck is Harry Potter so swoll? These are the questions, but I assume the answer is that this isn't a world crossed over with Harry Potter. This is a world crossed over with a fanfic.

I am pretty sure my life is a fanfic, so this means we are achieving Inception levels of fanficery here.

Fucking sweet.

I tried to withhold my existential terror when fuck mothering Thanos wracked the bar he was squatting and came over to us.

"Harry, you've brought a stranger to my gym." The purple behemoth looked me in the eyes, "I see you know of me."

This was not a fight I was ready for. Jack and I could theoretically wear this guy down with our speed and our weapons so long as the Mad Titan doesn't have a high resistance to magic, but the big purple bastard was many weight classes stronger than me. Could he out DPS my durability and healing prowess? Very likely despite him probably being the movie version from the look of him.

"We going to have a problem?" he hummed.

"I am out of this verse in six months to a year tops." I answered.

"Then we have no problem." The Mad Titan declared.

"Then let's lift!" Swoll Harry shouted.

Spending the summer lifting with Thanos and Harry Potter wasn't something that was ever on my bucket list, but it should have been. All these guys did was push iron, spar, and crush pussy. Except Harry with that last one. Guy had two girlfriends though so someday soon for the kid.

Sparing with Thanos was fucking brutal, but ultimately rewarding as few people could possibly push my skills as a warrior. The man was a perfectionist and a damn fine teacher.

Was it wrong of me to give a twelve year old a plasma pistol for his birthday? Most people would say yes and you know what I call them? Responsible adults. But those people will never feel the joy of a crisp high five after that twelve year old dead eyes all the targets at the range they set up for him.

I spent the rest of my time waiting for the Apocalypse fight doing missions and training with Thanos. Fury called the team in and briefed us on the situation with the old Egyptian super mutant and the pyramids he activated across the world to initiate his destructive forced mutation of the world's population. Each location had a mutant upgraded by Apocalypse defending the location: Professor X, Storm, Angel, and Caliban.

"I need each of you on a Pyramid Team." Fury indicated to me, Jack, Linda, and Kat, "The X-Men and their allies will provide the muscle, but we need people at each location who aren't afraid to pull the trigger."

"I call Cue Ball." Jack smirked.

"Please at least try to act like you aren't excited to kill the man who helped raise me." Jean muttered.

"I'd like to help." Wanda grinned, "All those years I spent in captivity and all I needed was a big ol' dick to set me right. Fuck that asshole."

"Lovely." Fury shook his head.

"I'm on the team going after Apocalypse." I stated.

"Then that means I'll clip fly boy and Kat will try to save your lover." Linda nodded.

"Going after a woman who can manipulate the weather?" Kat grumbled, "Sounds like an easy day at the office."

"You are a waste of the Mad Titan's teachings." I grumbled as I smashed Caliban's freaky Apocalypse enhanced head against the Celestial pyramid over and over until his brains leaked out of his splitting skull.

Scott radioed Fury after he finished puking to have Rogue come deliver us from the plot via copying Leech's X-Gene shutoff powers.

Three fucking years wasted. Going to High School, working for Shield, training under fuck mothering Thanos himself. All in the expectation of a knock down drag out cinematic as fuck battle against the X-Gene Papa Smurf, but apparently that asshole toggled God Mode, so we were going to beat him with the mutant equivalent of yanking the power cord out of the wall.

The worst part was… I couldn't figure out how to beat him. The dude was hax.

Rogue came along the cleared route and Apocalypse ended with a whimper… or at least he would have if I didn't toast him with Ormagoden's fire till the fucker was nothing more than ashes and slag.

Fuck that guy for being to OP and arrogant for a fist fight.

"Fuck this shit." I sighed, "I'm going home and leaving this disappointing universe."

"No you ain't." Logan growled.

"You going to pull another Apocalypse out of your ass?" I asked the manlet, "Cause you don't have the firepower to stop me."

"If you leave now…" Logan looked me in the eyes, "Who is going to play sick Metal at the afterparty."

I pointed my finger at him, then put it down in defeat, "I do need to spread Heavy Metal to all corners of existence."

"Hahaha," He chuckled, "Knew you'd see things my way."

You put me on base, Jack on guitar, Kat on drums, and Linda on the mic and you have a recipe for ascending a party to a level that makes the Titans jealous.

Afterwards I was just the right level of fueled up for interdimensional transport and Jack was giving the last chance speech.

"Alright people, you've all been briefed on the nature of existence and what we are about. This is the last chance to turn back, there is a chance that we will never see this version of reality again, so if there's anything tying you down, then you can back away judgement free." she looked around, "No takers? Good. Now lets fuck a hole through reality."