Batman: Christmas with the Joker

Location: Arkham Asylum


Inmates: (Singing) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open slay, hey!

Clown Prince of Crime: The Joker.

Joker: Jingle Bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away!

(Joker Cackling)

Joker: Crashing through the roof in a one-horse open tree busting out I go laughing all the wheeeee! (Joker Laughs Maniacally)

The Joker escaped from Arkham Asylum.

Location: Wayne Manor & Batcave

Robin: Come on, Batman, it's Christmas Eve. Let's kick back and get into the spirit.

Batman: The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum, Robin.

The Dark Knight: Batman and his partner The First Boy Wonder: Robin.

Robin: And you really think he's gonna make his move on Christmas Eve? Even scum spend the holidays with their families.

Batman: He has no family.

Robin: Okay, I'll make a deal with you. If we go out on patrol, and Gotham is quiet with no sign of the Joker, we come back here, have Christmas dinner and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

Batman: You know, I've never seen that. I could never get past the title.

Robin: It's a deal, then?

Batman: Deal.

Batmobile going to Gotham City.

Location: Gotham City

(Jazzy Christmas Music Playing)

(Bell Ringing)

(Coins Clink)

Robin: Doesn't it warm your heart to see everyone in the spirit of Christmas? Bah Humbug to you, too. You just can't believe there's no use for us for one night.

Batman: There.

Man: Hey, lady, hold up. You dropped this package a couple blocks back.

Lady: Oh, it's for my grandson. Thanks so much. Merry Christmas.

Robin: Now can we go home? He could give lessons to Scrooge.

Location: Wayne Manor

The Billionaire: Bruce Wayne, his Ward: Dick Grayson & The Butler: Alfred Pennyworth

Alfred: The Christmas goose will be ready shortly.

Bruce: You know, we really should've done one more sweep of the city.

Dick: Now just relax, Bruce. You're gonna love It's a Wonderful Life. It's a great movie.

Bruce: It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?

Dick: No, it's about how much of a difference one man can make to a city. Sound familiar?

(Christmas Carol Playing)

Dick: Uh, wrong channel. Some kind of Christmas special.

Announcer: It's a Wonderful Life will not be seen this year. In its place is the following.

Joker: Joker here. Greetings, Gotham, and Merry Christmas. I hope you're watching, Batman. This one's for you. (Cackling)

(Pedestrians Screaming)

Joker: Live from Gotham City, the show that nobody wants to see but everyone will watch. Yes, it's Christmas with the Joker!


Joker: And now, let's welcome our host, the Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker!

(Audience Applauding)

Joker: Greetings from Gotham City. And welcome to the first annual Christmas with the Joker.

(Applauding Continues)

Joker: Oh, thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. (Joker Chuckles)

Cartboard Cutouts: Batman, Robin, Commissioner Gordon, Harvey Bullock, Renee Montoya, Harvey Dent, Summer Gleeson, Hamilton Hill & the others.

Joker: Have I got a show for you tonight. It's loaded with surprises and mystery guests and Christmas jeer.

Robin: Well, Batman, you were sure right about the Joker. Any leads?

Batman: I've accessed Gotham's electrical mainframe. And I'm zeroing in on the power surges to pinpoint the location of Joker's broadcast signal.


Batman: That's it.

Robin: I don't know, Batman, it seems too easy.

Batman: It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker: Oh, Batman, I hope you're watching 'cause I've got a very special surprise for you. Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

(Audience Cheering)

Joker: And since I don't have one of my own…

Audience: Aww!

Joker: I decided to steal one.

(Audience Cheering)

Joker: And here they are, the awful Lawful family. Aren't they just the cutest family you're ever seen?

Police Commissioner: James Gordon, Police Detective: Harvey Bullock, & Reporter in Gotham City: Summer Gleeson.

Batman: It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker: Meet Daddy Lawful.

Gordon: You diseased maniac! I'll- (Muffled Shouting)

Joker: Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful.

Summer: (Gasps) Help! Somebody please help us. We- (Muffled Screams)

Joker: Ho, ho, ho. Isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful. Coochie, coochie, coo.

Bullock: When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your- (Muffled Speaking)

Joker: I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally, I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them if he can find them by midnight.

(Audience Gasps)

Joker: Otherwise… (Imitates Throat Slitting) (Joker Cacking)

Batman: Hold tight, we're almost there.

Laffy: Hi, I'm Laffy, Joker's helpful little elf. I'm here to present Batman with a very special Christmas surprise.

Robin: Uh-oh, here it comes.

Laffy: Gee, Joker, it's sure nice of you to get Bat Breath a present.

Joker: Ho, ho, I'm just that kind of guy.

(Audience Laughing)

Laffy: It's an exact replica of Gotham City.

Joker: It has everything, even trains and bridges.

Laffy: Bridges? I just love blowing up bridges.

Joker: Well, in that case, let's go live to Donner and Blitzen at the President's Bridge. Greetings, Donner. How about singing us a merry tune while you blow up the bridge?

Donner: Sure, boss.

(Singing) Jingle Bells, Batman smells Robin laid an egg


Laffy: That was great!

Joker: The fun has just begun. The 11:30 train will be along any minute.

(Tires Screeching)

Robin: We've gotta stop that train.

(Muffled Screaming)

Joker: Oh, look Laffy, Mommy Lawful has something to say. What's up, Mommy?

Summer: My mother's on that train.

Joker: Your mother? Well, that's different, then.

Laffy: Yeah, it'll be even more exciting when it crashes. (Laughs Mockingly)

Batmobile: AUTO PILOT

Batman: You uncouple the passenger cars. I'll get the engineer.

(Metal Creaking)

Batman: The bridge is out. Come on.


Laffy: Bah Humbug. I hate Batman and Robin.

Joker: Then let's get rid of them.

Cartboard Cutouts: Batman, Robin, Commissioner Gordon, Harvey Bullock, Renee Montoya, Harvey Dent, Summer Gleeson, Hamilton Hill & the others get bomb.


Laffy: Oh, boy, let's build a snowman.


Batman: We've isolated the Joker's broadcast signal. It's coming from the observatory on Mount Gotham.

Location: Mount Gotham

Batman: There, the radar antenna.

Robin: What's that?


Batman: Careful, Robin. I'm sure there's more to this than meets the eye.


The voice of Joker: Merry Christmas, Batman. I'm so glad you could join us.

Batman: What's your game, Joker?

The voice of Joker: Oh, just a little holiday entertainment, Batman.

Joker: I'm sure all the folks at home will enjoy sharing this special occasion. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, live from the top of Mount Gotham, the death of Batman. When you care enough to send the very blast. We'll return in just a moment, but first a word from our sponsor.

Batman: Robin, try and get inside the observatory. I'll draw its fire.

Joker: Whoops. Looks like we're experiencing technical difficulty. But don't worry, folks, we're still on the air. Oh, no! Our cannon seems to be out of control. Gotham City could be in serious danger.

(Tires Screeching)

(People Screaming)

(Joker Cacking)

Robin: Batman, Robin here.

Batman: Robin, Operation Cause and Effect.

Robin: Gotcha.


Robin: Batman?

Batman: I'm fine. But we're not any closer to finding Joker's hideout.

Robin: What's our next move?

Batman: To be quite honest, I don't know.

Robin: Batman, it's almost midnight. We have to do something.

Batman: It's up to the Joker now. Only a miracle can save the hostages.

Joker: Arrgh! Where's that Bat fella? And that Robin fella? Ooh, they're gonna spoil my Christmas. What's the matter? Can't they figure anything out? Time's up.I'm rubbing everybody out at midnight. But wait, we have another present to open. Let's not keep Mommy Lawful waiting. Too bad Batman is such a party pooper. Maybe he doesn't know how to get here. All dressed up with nowhere to go. Well, I wonder what Mommy Lawful is getting for Christmas. Ooh! The suspense is killing me. Is it? Can it be? Oh, yes! It's a Betty Blooper doll. And what do Better Blooper dolls do? Why, you just wind them up...And they wreak havoc on Gotham City. (Cackling)

Robin: I haven't seen one of those dolls in years.

Batman: They don't make dolls like that anymore, not since the Laffco toy factory went out of business 14 years ago.


Batman: Third and Main, downtown.

Location: Laffco

(Tires Screeching)

Batman: Look sharp, Robin.

(Joker Laughing)

(Classical Christmas Music Playing)

Robin: Where's that music coming from?

Batman: Good question.

(Joker Cacking)

Batman: Look out! Stand ready. More on the way. Stand clear, Robin.

Robin: They don't call you "Batman" for nothing.

(Gun Cocks)

Batman: Snipers!


Donner: Where'd he go?

Blitzen: There he is.


Blitzen: Huh?

Donner: What?

Donner: Look out!

Both: Whoa!

Teddy: I love you very much.

Batman: Keep your eyes open for the Joker.

Joker: I'll save you the trouble, Batman. Come and get your Christmas present, or the kiddies get it.

Batman: Let them go, Joker. It's me you want.

Joker: Merry Christmas, Batman.

Noticed Gifts: TO BATMAN

Joker: Well, go on, open it.

Robin: Don't do it, Batman!

Batman: Easy, Robin.

(Joker Cacking)

Joker: Oh, I can't stand it.

Batman: Robin, take care of 'em.

(Joker Groans & Laughs)

Joker: Run, run as fast as you can. You'll not catch me, I'm the Joker man.

(Joker Yelping & Gasps)

Batman: Merry Christmas, Joker.

Joker: Bah Humbug.

Location: Wayne Manor

Alfred: It was nice to Commissioner Gordon to give you that recording of It's a Wonderful Life.

Dick: And it is a wonderful life.

Bruce: It has its moments.

(Bell Tolling)

Location: Arkham Asylum

(Christmas Carol Playing)

Joker: (Singing) Don we now our gay apparel Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la (Cacking) Merry Christmas.

The End...