Hiya! I originally intended to write a crack fic, but then I decided to write a Blackadder fic, then I decided to go back to a Crack fic. Does this count as crack fic? Please tell me in the reviews.

The Marauder's great train adventure

Fifteen-year-old James Potter exploded into the compartment where the rest of the Marauders sat, a wide grin on his face.

"Guys! I have a good idea!"

"It better not be trying to get off the train again..." Warned Remus, putting down his book.

"Merlin's hairy buttocks! After what the trolley lady did to us last time?" James shuddered, taking on a dramatic tone of voice "I plan to see the cab of the Hogwarts Express!"

The three of them stared of him.

Remus spoke first.

"You know, I'm curious, but-"

Sirius interrupted him "It's a great idea!"

Peter looked nervous "B-b-but-"

"Relax, Wormtail. It's not like the train's going to explode!"

They left the Compartment (Lupin trying to sway them to go back) and made their way to the front of the train. When they reached the end of the carriages, they stepped out of the door and, after climbing over the Tender, into the engine room of the train; The Cab.

No-one was there, unless you counted the floating shovels which casually put coal in the furnace. They stepped up to the controls. Above the fire was a green button which said; DO NOT TOUCH!

James stared at it.

"Don't-" Warned Remus.

He pressed it.

The Button glowed, and the Fire in the furnace turned blue. A voice came out of it. A charming, soothing voice.

"Dear presser of this button. Thank you for pressing the green Button. Prepare to die."

The Train shook.

They looked around them in fright.

James Potter, school bully, top student, and complete numpty, gulped.

Pettigrew slowly pointed a shaking finger to the left of the train. They looked out of the left entrance.

A translucent black train ran ten metres to the left of them. It looked like a ghostly copy of the Hogwarts express, except the carriages were without walls and roofs, and had what looked like animated white rocks all stacked together with fiery eyes. It ran on glowing purple rail that appeared out of thin air a few minutes in front of it, and disappeared as soon as it was no longer needed.

"Uh-oh." Muttered Lupin.

The rock people all began rudely chucking fireballs at the train. I mean, where are manners these days?

Pettigrew turned into a rat and tried to run away, but there was no hope. Jumping off the side entrances would have been suicide.

This went on for a few minutes, until some scuffling sounds were heard from the tender.

Just as he turned back, Lily Evans and Severus Snape jumped off the tender and into the cab.

They all stared at each other, and Lily spoke first.

"What in the name of Merlin's knickers is going on here!?" She demanded.

Remus spilled the beans "James wanted to get a look at the cab, and he pressed a button and now this is happening!"

"You let him!?" Snapped Severus.

"I told him not to!"

"Argue when we're not going to die!" Shouted James, grabbing a shovel and thrusting it into Pettigrew's hands "Start shoveling! Now!" He ordered.

As Pettigrew began doing as he was told, helped by Remus and Sirius with the other two Shovels, James, Lily, and Snape began sending spells at the Dark Train.

"What were you doing here, anyway?" Demanded James, as he sent a bat-bogey hex at the dark train.

"Terribly sorry if the train shaking doesn't make us suspicious!" snapped Snape.


Lily sent a knockback jinx at a rock monster which sent it flying off the train and breaking on the ground.

Snape used Levicorpus, which left one rock Monster dangling in the air, which knocked over a few more as they crashed into it.

James used bombarda, which blew up one of them.

However, they weren't able to get in hits that often, especially when they began targeting them, since they'd throw fireballs at them.

"They'll kill us if we don't do something!" Yelled Sirius, covered in sweat-streaked soot.

"Not to mention the other students!" Added James, who had received a shiny burn to his arm.

The Train was going faster with three people shovelling coal as quick as they could, but not fast enough to out-chug the the other train.

"If I die, I'll leave all my money to whoever survives." Muttered James "If it's you, Snape, It'll go to my mother."

"I'm tempted, Potter, to shove my wand up your-"

"Quiet, both of you!" Cried Remus, who had stopped shovelling.

A bright red button was right next to the green one. It read: 'TURBO'

"I have a plan!" Announced James, pressing it.

Instantly, the train shot forward at quite a few times faster than it was previously, the force of the speed knocking over the dark train. Ministry Wizards would later round up the rock people and send them to Belgium.

Meanwhile, the train was going at something approaching a few thousand miles per minute.

"I BLAME YOU FOR THIIIIIIS!" Screamed Snape at Potter as the train rocked about.


It took them ten more minutes to get in sight of the Castle. Unfortunately, it looked like they were going to crash into something if they didn't stop.

James looked out of the front window. The Castle was straight ahead, and a turn to get around the lake was seconds away.

Fortunately, Peter grabbed onto what happened to be the Brake, and The Hogwarts Express instantly stopped. unfortunately, the force of the sudden stopping sent the train flying...


The Hogwarts staff smiled as they looked at the great hall, everything ready.

"I can't wait til' the Express gets 'ere!" Grinned Hagrid.

"At that moment, the Hogwarts Express crashed through the enchanted ceiling, and dangled there for a few seconds, before beginning to fall again.

Dumbledore raised his wand "Immobulus!"

The Train stopped in midair.

Professor Dumbledore then Remarked; "You were saying, Hagrid?"


Once they had gotten everyone down, it didn't take them long to weed out the culprit. Because James immediately confessed.

"Detention until summer!" Screeched Professor McGonagall, her hair sticking out "What were you thinking!?"

Then Remus told them about the Dark train, and Albus Dumbledore chuckled.

"It appears Lord Voldemort left a few surprises behind when he left Hogwarts." Smiled Albus.

"You-know-who!?" All the students cried, except for those first-years who had been raised by muggles, who all said "Who?"

"Well, since you saved the students from the mess you got them into, you can just have detention until the first of December." Smiled Dumbledore.

"Now let's eat!"


Favourite and review!